Senior “career” women - what did you do/how did you do it?

[2yearoldbattler]

Looking for experiences of both mothers who are in the thick of it and those whose babies are long grown up.

Am a very senior exec, currently on mat leave from a COO role in a very high growth, high profile business with my second baby. Have fun a number of mediums big (£500m+) businesses in the past as either CEO or divisional MD. Will be back to work in a couple of weeks. Also sit on 2 boards, one a charity non profit, the other a FTSE 100 coy.

My husband is also a career person (professional services) and we are having some discussions at the moment about how we make our lives work. Tbh the period in between me returning from mat leave with no 1 and leaving on mat leave with number 2 was not a success - we felt so stretched and it was primarily our relationship with each other that suffered.

So, what did you do and how did you do it? Both stayed full time and ground through it? One dropped to part time? How much help did you have? Would love to hear what worked and didn’t.

Have NCed so only have one post under this name, but am a longtime MNer - defo not a journalist. I just don’t have that many friends who are operating like I do (that sounds arrogant and wanky, but you know what I mean) to be able to have a wide pool of experiences.

“Frankly all childcare is obscenely expensive ”

I can’t help feeling that there are plenty of people on here who are doing work of significantly less
value than looking after children, but are still able to pay a child carer’s wages. Not sure where the “obscene” descriptor should go, really.

I still think flexible weekly boarding is a good solution for secondary school aged children. And a live in nanny or relation for younger ones.

I had a nanny lined up for mine when I thought I was going to go straight back to work. Then I realised that I was feeling more jealous of her than of the person doing my job. But as I said, I was old. Had I had my children younger, my attitude would have been completely different.

Wow your household income must be insane to be able to afford that! 😁

For me it was thinking about the nanny’s wages that changed my mindset (I repeat- I was nearly 40 when this thinking happened) different if i’d been younger.

Honestly, small, our household income is well into 7 figures annually. I know that is not the normal MN profile and a bit disgusting, but that’s the reality. The flip side is that we sing for our supper! But buying in help is not an issue.

That’s why I was asking for experiences for other seniors - I totally get that this is a bit of an obnoxious ask if you’re slaving your butt off as a paramedic or nurse etc. But this is my life and my reality and I’d love to hear from others.

And of course just as I start this thread I have had another offer to join a board as a NED. Wondering whether it’s time to start winding down as an exec and start a Board career properly - any perspectives?

Good for you @2yearoldbattler 👏😊

PCohle that still means with a combined salary you would have £1k spare a week to pay a nanny, many couples don't have that. Plus the money for cleaners, gardeners, private school. And I assume there must be money left over after that, otherwise it wouldn't be worth it.

One of the issues I’ve found is sustaining both careers. We’ve sort of failed at that. I’m also on my second period of mat leave. My husband is very senior. I went part time but everyone else at my organisation at my level has a sahm at home. By dropping I have gone onto the mummy track and have really stagnated. All the men have thrived and will be the ones to be promoted, get the interesting work etc.

I think it is far easier to sustain one career going full pelt or two middle management. Realistically, two very senior careers means some very significant compromises re children. We know that if I take a step up, it means full time nanny, possibly even two, losing weekend time to emails etc. At the moment, that is a step too far for us. We’re already struggling to make time as a couple because my husband isn’t around much in the evenings. We’ve reached a point where the extra money isn’t worth the additional stress.

I can’t help feeling that there are plenty of people on here who are doing work of significantly less
value than looking after children

Funnily enough no one has ever questioned by DH about the "value" of his job compared to being at home with the kids. My job is valuable, both to me and to society.

Childcare in this country is hugely expensive and that plays a significant role in keeping women out of the workforce or in less senior roles - something this thread illustrates.

User88888 that is my sort of thinking, where senior careers are concerned and salaries that most people can only dream about, hence my point earlier in this thread for parents in this situation to compare their working hours and their hours of quality time with their children (and I don't mean fancy holidays or activities). And their partners too.

Another thing to possibly factor in, which is the stage our family has now reached, is that DH and I are now what I think is called the sandwich generation, DC still at home and needing some parental input and elderly parents now needing help too. Can't imagine trying to factor that into the equation of high powered careers, although again I suppose money could be thrown at the problem. But money isn't everything.

This thread is so interesting on many different levels and it's inspiring to see so many successful women at all stages sharing their experiences.

It's been mentioned before but the variation in salaries is vast. I know many couples who work long hours, always-on, significant responsibility but the salary does not support outsourcing life admin / life. I have wondered if life actually flips and becomes easier in many ways when there is an option to throw money at a solution? There are probably aspects that I haven't considered simply because I haven't been in that position but it seems a simpler life from the outset.

Well yes it does. Money buys you options. I think in my experience, the more senior you are the more flexibility in the role you have. We work in software and for us, flexibility on hours and location of work is crucial to sustaining two high powered careers. . Our household income combined is £400k with potential to get to half million excluding company stock options. But there is a ceiling at our level as commissions are called. I'm in interested to learn how you make that leap to C level and entering the 7 figure bracket especially as a woman. The female C levels I've met in the past tended not to have children and were extremely data driven. Although I did know one not C level but in the millions bracket in Hedge Fund with 5 children but she was an exception.

“I have wondered if life actually flips and becomes easier in many ways when there is an option to throw money at a solution?“
Absolutely. Doesn’t this apply at all levels though? From being able to buy convenience meals right up to being able to pay a chef to cook for you. Money buys you brain space. But as people have said, it’s brain space that most men have automatically because there are women - paid or unpaid-providing it. A hobby horse of mine is wanting men to openly acknowledge the freedom that women’s work gives them-and to make sure their children are aware of it. It’s very easy for women’s work to be rendered invisible.
I’m sorry- that’s not what this thread is about. But I am still prepared to bet that very few high flying men would be having this sort of conversation.

Childcare in this country is hugely expensive and that plays a significant role in keeping women out of the workforce or in less senior roles - something this thread illustrates.

Actually, I think this thread illustrates that caring for children and managing a home are both vital and time consuming tasks that are still taken on primarily by women, often in a low or unpaid capacity. I don't think there will be any real parity in the workplace until men are taking on these roles in greater numbers, and that won't happen until they are valued more highly by society at large. Then the OPs problems will be solved; her DH can become a (well-respected) SAHP - he'll have to work like the clappers for a few years while the kids are tiny, but then they'll go to school and he'll get his 4 hours a day to himself, 5 days a week! And OP gets to focus on her career knowing that everything else is being taken care of, just as men have for decades.

Back in the real world, I sadly haven't got any useful advice for you OP, other than to ensure that you aren't the only one doing the juggling.

X post with Bertrand!

BertrandRussell I think you’re absolutely right. What I have noticed in my mat leave this time is my husband is really pushing on and he can do that because I am at home at the moment. His brain has totally switched off to family stuff because he knows I’ll sort it first. The challenge for us will be whether we can reset when I go back. If not, we’ll be one of the cliche couples where because the man’s career has moved on so much in becomes impossible or economically unviable for the woman to try and keep up.

After we had DS2 my DH and I both went part time (though I am more part time than him). He works the equivalent of 4 days a week stretched across 5 so he does 2 days of school runs, cooking tea etc. I work 0.5 stretched over 3 days.

We are lucky that we have been able to achieve this with our jobs allowing us both to earn a wage but have some time with the kids. My DH absolutely hated it for the first 6 months.

I agree that a nanny is a great option but we wouldn't be able to afford one.

Childcare in this country is hugely expensive and that plays a significant role in keeping women out of the workforce or in less senior roles - something this thread illustrates.

bortusesmoustache got there first and said it better, but I think the bigger issue is the ongoing assumption that childcare is women's responsibility. There's this well-meaning narrative around career women "having it all" by working flexibly, using childcare, outsourcing domestic responsibilities. Meanwhile men aren't even mentioned as part of the equation, apparently they can just carry on as before. And why should they worry about childcare? That's for "working mothers" to sort out.

I also disagree that childcare is too expensive. Don't get me wrong, it takes up a huge proportion of our joint salary each month, but the people caring for my DC are doing a hugely important job. It should cost money. I'd sooner see businesses offering nore genuine flexible working opportunities (for all parents, not just mothers) and SAHDs before cheaper childcare.

Yes- I am very uneasy about complaints about the cost of childcare. Particularly as it’s usually women who do it......

There is an option to set up a meet up via Meet Up - Professional Single Parents in London is available and suggests there are 20 people interested in a group like that but it doesn't exist at the moment. I was tempted to give it a go but started this thread instead.

Sorry wrong thread

I have the wifi password at my hairdresser's, it's great for clearing through inbox! I also try and exercise, I take my running gear whenever I travel and make sure I either get an early morning or late afternoon run in. I also book social time in with friends, often in the lead up to an event I consider cancelling if I'm stressed/tired but I very rarely do and always feel better afterwards and glad we kept the date. I send calendar invites to my husband for the kids activities as well as when I'm travelling for work (although it always seems to be a surprise anyway?!).

Yes- I am very uneasy about complaints about the cost of childcare. Particularly as it’s usually women who do it......
We are lucky to have reasonably cheap care except for the specialist carer that we use for respite but...
it's more the clash between salaries and the cost, rather than the actual cost, in those of us with "professional but not CEO" type salaries.

I agree it's the clash between salaries and childcare that is the issue rather than childcare being too expensive per se.

When I first used childcare 15 years ago we had a combined income of about £150k and a nanny was well beyond our means and nurseries for two in central London took pretty much my entire salary. It was brutal for a couple of years.

I don't know what the answer is there - TC breaks on childcare would alleviate some of the pain.

I think it's very much possible to recognise the value of childcare providers and expect them to be well remunerated, whilst also appreciating that the cost of childcare is prohibitive for many women and an important factor of keeping women out of the workplace.

I agree that a societal shift in the assumption that childcare is a woman's responsibility is necessary, but subsidised childcare is something we can do to effect that shift practically. We've been talking about gender diversity for decades - personally, I think it's clear that more active solutions are required.