Why has my mother stopped talking to me practically overnight?

[Confused125]

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

The problem is with her emotions which she has chosen to act upon in a negative manner

She can’t keep on making excuses for her tantrums and taking umbrage saying it was her bad childhood as she is now in charge of her destiny and as such can control her emotions and behaviour.

She wants to be indulged and if she isn’t then she stamps her door and keeps away expecting you to come knocking begging her forgiveness.

Let her stew. She’s cut off her nose to spite her face. If she wants to chat then stand firm in your decision regarding the photo of your daughter.

People become less resilient as they age. Perhaps her mental health is suffering and is getting the better of her.

I shouldn't contact her then?

I feel as though it's my fault, though I don't know what I've done apart from the photo incident, and I don't think my reaction was wrong. I asked her not to take the photo in a light, jokey way, I didn't get all snappy.

This is honestly upsetting me so much. She picks up my youngest from nursery on two days a week, I'm actually at the point of wondering if I need to make alternative arrangements for that in September because this whole situation feels so not right. I never in a million years thought I'd say that.

It's sounds difficult. She is very much into herself and only sees her own needs. My mother is like that and I have pulled away a lot. I often used to feel sick because of her moods and drama. If your father said your mother wants a word let her contact you.

She is a bully imo.
Leave her to it.
My dm did similar. Flounced off one day. I realised life was less stressful without her around and didn't contact her.
For 10 years!!
Let her back into our lives for a year then went nc again. She behaved like a spoilt brat and I wasn't having that around my dc.
You would be wise to leave her to sort her own tantrum out.

Leave her too it , once she realises she's missing out she will come crawling back .
When she does I would have serious words with her and tell her that she need to respect your child's feelings and yours as the parent

She's usually a very caring grandmother and we usually get on well though.

I'm also suprised at how my dad has basically taken her side. He has often told me how difficult she can be, especially when they were first married. But when I was talking to him it was all, I'm staying out of it, you have a sharp tongue, your mother isn't happy with how you speak to her, don't you know how easily upset she is...

I honestly don't know what I'll do if she doesn't turn up to the next DC event she is invited to next week. I can't believe I'm even worried about it. I'm going to have to sort out alternative arrangements for September too aren't I? But then if I do, WW3 will break out. Dad said something weird to me too. I said "I know DM can be sensitive but at the end of the day I was only looking out for DD and I am cross that DM acted like that in front of the children" and dad got very upright and started going "don't be one of these people who start saying oh it's all about my family and my children and the next thing you'll be saying we can't see the kids"

I was just sitting there like wtf, I would never dream of doing something like that, that's not what I'm saying? I swear not once have I said or done anything that would indicate I'm that sort of person.

Wtf is going on here?

I'm so upset. I honestly thought everything was fine, only the other day I was telling my friend how close I am to my parents and what fab grandparents they are

@yellowweatherwarning what sort of things did your mum do? Was the flouncing out of the blue?

Your dad is sticking up for her for the easy life. Is your mother usually so attention seeking in general? My father once told me to apply for a uni as far away as possible and also said in the past that look what he has to put up with. But now it's all dm this and dm that and I'm in the wrong. I'm convinced that it is because he has to live with her whereas I have moved on and do my own thing. So it's understandable. My bother says she has mental health issues but again if anything happens it's me in the wrong.

Try and mind yourself and your own smaller family unit.

I'm also suprised at how my dad has basically taken her side.

When this happened to me I wasn't surprised because your Dad's first loyalty has to be to your mother, no matter what she's done. I maintained some contact with him but went NC with her. However she'd been difficult for a very long time.

My married DD is sometimes snappy with me and reminded me even yesterday that she is nearly 40 and an adult. I said I understood but however old she is she will always be my 'child' - so perhaps she will be more patient when I butt in (which is rare tbh as I'm always aware for instance that anything to do with my DGSs is her responsibility not mine)

My advice would be to take the initiative with your Mum and have a face to face with her and listen to what she says. Keep your cool and then try and put your own feelings to her, hopefully you will both learn something and this disagreement can be put to bed and you can resume your previously close relationship.

Please don't let it fester, or be too proud to make the first move. Your father has said she wants to talk to you so go ahead, don't wait for her.

Good luck for you both

I meant to write 'I maintained some contact with MY Dad...'

Hmmm as a mate says sensitive people are usually only sensitive about their own feelings. A bad childhood is not an excuse for bad behavior. I’d ignore the bad behavior, otherwise you’re rewarding it.

Continue as you are bright & breezy

My eldest sister behaves like this, takes offense & doesn’t speak to people for imagined slights. Her husband absolutely enables it. If he’d told her to cop on years ago she might be a happier person.

If your dad has said it, is there any possible remote chance that your might have had a sharper tongue than you realised? Did he mean generally (from his own experience) or did he just mean regarding that occasion (basing his statement on what your mum had said)?

She's guilt tripping you OP with silent treaymenr6and is expecting you'll react by asking what you've done wrong. That's horrible and an unhealthy relationship.

My mom used to do the same. I learnt about Transactional Analysis when we go back into our traditional roles ie mom and child and refused to act like a child

She's an adult you are an adult. She needs to treat you like an adult.

Stay detached, carry on as normal and she'll come around once she realises you aren't going to play her little games anymore.

Thanks all. This has honestly upset me so much. We've had some nice things planned this weekend and I haven't enjoyed anything because this is constantly in the back of my mind. It's rarely that happens, usually things don't niggle at me.

He meant in general re the sharp tongue. The thing is my mum has absolutely no hesitation in speaking her mind when she wants to, she's been quite harsh in things she's said to me in the past and was difficult to live with when I was a teenager, she had an extremely bad temper. This version of her as sensitive and fragile is not one I recognise.

She and my dad have in the last six months or so decided (after reading certain books and listening to radio shows) that her childhood was abusive and that she has PTSD as a result. This may be so, but I feel like I am now being set up in the role of someone who has upset DM

People like this are so boring! They don't realise that the power of it wears off and you just stop giving a shit but by then the relationship is usually irretrievable and if you do give them another chance they gradually just build up to doing it again because they can't help themselves. Yes my mother is like this - right down to the difficult childhood excuse.

Well you need to know what’s going on so ring and ask her. She sounds awful.

Could it be possible that your DM has had some bad news that your DF knows about but that she's not ready to share with you yet? Which is why she reacted the way she did and why your DF is sticking up for her? Just a suggestion.

@kettkeison - I'm reading about transactional analysis now- what sort of things did you do differently after this?

Honestly I'm not even sure if her behaviour is awful or if it's genuinely my fault, but how can I tell when she hasn't talked to me? It seems totally out of the blue. I thought we were getting on well, we haven't argued in years

I wouldn't even know what to say if I did ring her. For the first time in my life I don't know what I'd say to my own mother.

I know it probably sounds like I'm overreacting, maybe I am, but this just doesn't feel right. It's the fact she has missed out on things to do with the DC. Usually she's always asking for pictures, texting to see how they all. And since the other day, nothing.

I can bet your mom knows you'll be worrying about this. That's horrible

The main thing I did the next time she reacted was calmly explain I can see she's upset and do want to talk to her about what happened because I value our relationship. I also said I want the dds to be around healthy communication and manners and could see dd was upset by her grandma's reaction. She called and we had a chat and things gradually improved thereafter.

Just act as normal OP. Maybe send photos etc after any event and do what you'll normally do. She shouldn't always have to ask for photos etc btw. You should send them too.

Do you normally go along with her wishes? Feel you’re treading on eggshells around her? Do you plan things around her feelings?
Do other people think you’ve got a ‘sharp tongue’?
The terrible part of this is that she’s behaving badly and you’re the one who’s upset. How do you feel when you imagine speaking to her? Will you put your viewpoint, or will you just apologise to make it better?

This is a genuine question, do you have a sharp tongue? Is there something in what your father said?

If not then just plough on and let things calm down, if maybe you are prone to being a bit unintentionally barbish then maybe there is something in it for you to consider. I don’t know so I hope I don’t sound accusatory, that is not my intention.