Why has my mother stopped talking to me practically overnight?

[Confused125]

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

I think you need to give her her space.

It sounds like she's going through a very difficult period in her life as she is coming to terms with a hard upbringing.

From what you've said I'd think your dd was being a bit precious over the photo and you were a bit disrespectful in the way you spoke to your dm. But nothing major. She probably overreacted because of what's going on in the background in her head and is stressed as a result.

Just let her come to you in her own time. If she misses your dc events that might be because she can't cope with that at the moment. If you love her you'll understand and not have the attitude that she's a naughty toddler that should be punished like so many of the posters on here. Frankly if that were my family's attitude towards me I wouldn't regret they were NC!

My Mum used to be nasty to DD and get cross with me when I stuck up for her. It was envy. She saw DD having a much nicer childhood than she did and being thoughtfully treated, and it made her feel sorry for herself. I kept sticking up for DD and she gradually got better. It was worst when DD was around 9-14, so an age when Mum could remember herself at that age.

She and my dad have in the last six months or so decided (after reading certain books and listening to radio shows) that her childhood was abusive and that she has PTSD as a result

That comes across as though you’re in two minds about the PTSD. What happened to your mum? Don’t say it don’t want OP.

It sounds like there’s something fundamentally bothering her, if she’s usually a good mum and Grandma. I would leave it a day or so and then go and see her personally.

I don't think I do have a sharp tongue, it's certainly not intentional if I do, and I've racked my brains and can't think of anything I've said that could be misconstrued. I don't know why she wouldn't just tell me anyway, she's usually not hesitant to point out something she doesn't like.

I don't think I was wrong to defend DD, DM was badgering her to pose more, smile more, and that is excruciating for DD

There may be something in the age thing. She was at her most depressive and shouty from I was 9-14 and DD now falls in that bracket

She had a very harsh childhood with a weak mother and a father who belted the children and was controlling.

She sounds a bit childish imo and someone who wants her own way. You were totally in the right to support your daughter's decision to not have her photo taken and you even compromised and offered to attempt to get a photo taken for her. I wouldn't reach out to her personally and just let her come to you when she's ready.

You’ve said that this has never happened before so bearing that in my I would guess there is something bothering her. You usually get on and have a good relationship so this behaviour is something to be concerned about. Just go and see her and try and find out what it is.

It is quite possible she’s suffering from PTSD tbf OP.

And I think she could well have ptsd but it's like when she was depressed. She would call family meetings where she would announce that she was depressed and we all had to do xyz to help her overcome her depression. As a teenager I felt, perhaps wrongly, that she was being over dramatic as she always seemed to make these announcements when something else big was happening, eg a week after sister came out of hospital after an operation, when my paternal grandmother was on her deathbed. She has never been to the doctor's or a counsellor about any of this. I know this probably makes her sound a bit bonkers, and she was, but it was only for a couple of years and we put it down to menopause, she's not been like that for years now

It sounds to me as it is connected to whatever she is dredging up from her childhood. I would just let her get on with it and wait for her to come back.

You did absolutely the right thing to stick up for your daughter, the rest of it is out of your control, so don't second guess yourself or run around in circles trying to make it better.

I would just carry on as normal, she's got to work through her feelings, not take them out on you.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if your Mum has abused and that if she is reliving something right now then she needs you and your love and understanding all the more, despite the fact that she's acting like a tantruming toddler.

Let me be clear: You did nothing wrong. But sometimes it's worth just being the bigger person and understanding that it's entirely possible that she's pushing all boundaries right now. Several things jump out...you normally have a good relationship with her, she's a loving grandmother, she's going through her own personal hell and this isn't typical. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd leave DD with DH for a while, get my coat and go round to Mum. Put your arms around her and tell her how much you love her, that you understand she's hurting and that if you played a role in that it wasn't intentional. It might just help to hear she's loved. Ask her if she'd like to talk about her childhood so that you could better understand what she's going through. Going there to give her your undivided attention could be seen as a huge act of love to someone in her position and because you are hurting so much too right now, it be could be very healing.

I think maybe your mother is like mine and think that children shouldn't be given the choice (of whether to have photo taken). When I was a kid I'd have my pic taken in a dress whether i damned well wanted to or not. Perhaps your mum thinks you are giving too much choice to the child.

I think you should speak to your Dad again then. A diagnosis like that should be made by a doctor, and the correct treatment obtained. She needs to see someone and it’s up to your Dad to help her.

She sounds a PITA. I'd either confront her about it or totally ignore it until she's stops her strop. My mum can be a little like this. Most of us can dredge up some reason for behaving like a dick, doesn't mean we should behave like a dick though.

I have a very similar relationship with my mother. All is we until there comes a point where she decides it isn't. She can say whatever she likes to me but if I question/challenge her, it's all "how dare you speak to me that way!" My Dad has told me a couple of times that "your mother is very sensitive" but as another poster said, she's sensitive about her own feelings but not about anyone else's.

I realized that the power is with me. I can choose to engage - or not. So when she's in one of her "moods" I leave her to it. I refuse to participate in this nonsense where I have to grovel to a grown adult when I have no idea what it is that I've done wrong.

Oh please phone her. Let her know how sad you are and that you love her. Then come back and let us know what happened. She was in the wrong but it seems the way you spoke, given she is sensitive, upset her. I try not to be sensitive, so if something upsets me I talk through to try and rationalise things with my husband toavoid issues with my children and their partners.Emotions are not logical. Your mum loves you.

I’m in justhavingabreak’s camp

As we all know..life is bloody tough and no one handed us the rule book.

I’m sure we’ve all made loads of mistakes with everything including parenting. I know I have .

Just give her a hug. Let her get her tears out .
She’s done her best with the cards she was handed..as have you..and she managed to raise a lovely daughter.

You’re suffer. She’s most likely suffering..go and sort it out adult to adult if you’re into TA

Or you might have to do P-C till she regains her equilibrium.

None of us are perfect.

I do think your mum has behaved badly though

She's punishing you for not jumping to her wishes. So now she's sulking in order to make you feel guilty. So next time you will know your place and do as you're told so as not to upset her again.

It's working, because here you are worrying about it.

My mum used to behave like this and I always used to try and make amends. One time I just stop bothering. She flounced out the house after a similar, minor incident which didn't go her way. And this time I didn't ring her up and say sorry.

That was six years ago and I haven't heard from her or seen her since. I guess she's still waiting for me to contact her. The peace has been amazing.

I'm also suprised at how my dad has basically taken her side. He has often told me how difficult she can be, especially when they were first married. But when I was talking to him it was all, I'm staying out of it, you have a sharp tongue, your mother isn't happy with how you speak to her, don't you know how easily upset she is...

My DPs have exactly this dynamic. What your DF wants is an easy life and what your mother wants is her own way. She will have had years of people complying to avoid “upsetting” her and the accusation that you have “sharp tongue” will be because you disagreed with her and she will have been angry not to get her own way. Your daughter has every right not to be photographed and you were right to stand up for her.

My DM was a nightmare when DB and I were younger; however, I have trained my DM over the last few years. Every time she steps over my boundaries, I call her out and, if she flounces, I leave her to it. I make no effort to contact her once she has flounced, but am happy to go back to normal without bringing up the subject when she makes contact again - sometimes it’s a week, sometimes it’s several months. Occasionally, DF will call and tell me how unkind I have been, but that is more about the fact that he is having a hard time at home.

My DM is a very unhappy woman who had a terrible childhood too, but that does not give her (or your mother) the right to spread her misery and recreate a dysfunctional dynamic. It took me to my 40s to stop pandering to her - I wouldn’t leave it until then if I were you. Concentrate on having a healthy mother/daughter relationship with your own child,

My DM is very similar. She has these enormous sulks and tantrums, says terrible things to everyone and flounces off, and we're the ones who have to apologise afterwards because we're told by other family members "you know what she's like, just ignore it". It's enabling her to behave like a brat.

I realise my opinion of your experience is based on my own, so I don't want to give you advice but what I want to say is, you absolutely did the right thing defending your DD. She was uncomfortable and you stuck up for her. Your DM was wrong to push that. You know, I think a PP has said this - perhaps she sees the closeness of your relationship with your DD and envies it?

As for your DF, he sounds like a flying monkey, enabling your DM's bad behaviour.

Your mum tried to cross a boundary your dd wasn't happy with, you backed your daughter and your mother is not happy. She is now trying to punish you for your choice and make sure you won't do the same in future. Your choices are allow your mum to railroad you into feeling bad and in future think twice before standing up to her or stay firm in your initial stance in a polite manner that you were in your mother's role been an advocate for your young child and no matter what you will continue to do so.

It's important to remember you cannot change or control your mother and you should not allow her to do the same to you.
Choose how you react to this situation and leave your mother to do the same.
Re the event next week, the invitation has been issued if your mother wants to go she can if she chooses not to that's her choice, you haven't revoked the invitation she herself will be choosing not to go. Do not allow her into manipulating you so you'll beg her to go. How you react now will set the tone for how she behaves with you and your dc in future.

I wonder did the OP head off to talk her Mum...

I don't think I do have a sharp tongue, it's certainly not intentional if I do

If that is the case. I would be telling your Dad that his comment was hurtful, and both your parents that you do not agree you have a sharp tongue, that you felt your mother was unnecessarily pressurising your DD and that made her feel upset and that it is up to them to decide if they are going to continue to try to shame you into complying with them or if they are going to move past this.

I haven't headed off to talk to her, no. I think she'll probably be out today anyway.

Spoke to DH and he pointed out that she may be waiting for him to go back to work before coming round to talk to me- he's been off this week.

I might speak to my dad again first. I'm not sure. I'm going to read all your replies again and sleep on it for tonight.

Should I phone her up later this evening and sort of... Lightly say "well are you talking to me again"