Why has my mother stopped talking to me practically overnight?

[Confused125]

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

I'd offer an olive twig. Call and say "mum will you be at Event? We missed you at Last Event." Give her a chance to move on. If she says no, she can explain why not. If she says yes and moves forward, let this one go for The Greater Good.

OP I had a very similar scenario happen with my mum around 7 years ago. Completely out of the blue, previous great relationship. Unfortunately for us, it was the first time of many. We are still close, she’s still a loving grandmother, but we have fallen into a dynamic in which, in her mind, I often do things ‘wrong’ and she is the injured party who must be appeased.
The first few times I reacted exactly as you are now. I was so hurt and confused, and it would ruin weeks of my life until she decided she was talking to me again.
About 2 years ago we had a big chat about it, and I explained how awful I found it all and asked how we could move on from it. She told me it was due to issues from her past and that she knew she needed counselling to get over it (which she sought). Things have improved a bit since then but she still has outbursts and I am still often on edge.

OP I would go visit her by yourself.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be.

My mum died a year ago and I would love to have her back for one minute.
I know you where looking out for your dd you just need to chat to your mum and sort it out.

Just phone her or text her. I bet she's feeling as sad as you and has backed herself into a corner x

I would let her stew. If she wants to contact you, let her do it in her own time. If you ring her she will think she has "won" and her behaviour will not improve - it will get worse. You stood up for your DD, your DM didn't like it because she sees herself as the most important person in everyone's lives and so you must all do as you are told. Very controlling.

I'd text her making it clear she wanted at the next event shes invited to and leave it at that. If she doesn't come make alternative arrangements for september and harden your attitude up.

Maybe it triggered her a bit to see you back up your dd rather then back up your mum into pressuring for a photo?

Letting your uncle bully you like that was really wrong. Maybe she feels it's saying she was wrong or is wrong to think it's ok? Does she need you to agree with her opinions a lot? Sone people see a lack of validation or support for their opinions as personal slights.

You should call her, see what she says and go from there. Some people will tell their spouses if they think they are doing wrong of being shirty, but many wont- even privately.

So my mum finally spoke to me today's, despite my dad telling me she was going to "give me a call" every day since I last posted. She dropped by my house with my dad.

Long story short she said she had been "deliberately distant" from me as she feels we spend too much time together and I have been sharp with her on numerous occasions. I said that any sharpness on my part was certainly not intentional and asked her for examples. She said about the photo incident and I pointed out I had only been sharp as a reaction to her own tone of voice when she told me that she would decide if she took a photo or not. She said "your dad says you wouldn't mean to be sharp so I suppose I'll have to believe him". I asked her to tell me about other times when I had been sharp and she just said "lots of other times", I pushed her for specifics again and she basically made up an incident, that's the only way I can put it. Without boring you all with the details she said I said something which I absolutely, categorically didn't, as in I simply didn't say it, the words never passed my lips, it didn't happen. I told her as much and she just kept saying "yes you did, that's exactly what you said, yes you did" and she was beginning to get worked up so I just said "ok, well like I said, I wasn't aware I was speaking to you sharply, it wasn't intentional and I didn't mean to give offence

So then she repeated that we were spending too much time together and I said OK, then she said we'll draw a line under it.

She was so cold and looking at me with such dislike

For context, we see each other a few times a week in passing when popping in to each other's houses to drop off DC etc and maybe twice a month we'll do something like go for Sunday lunch, go shopping or to one of the DC events, it really depends on what's happening and it has certainly not being all instigated by me. Regardless, if that's how she feels then that's how she feels and I'll respect that.

In hindsight she's probably sick of me, I probably do seek her approval too much, for example I am thinking of getting a specific item for one of the DC birthday and I nearly wasn't going to as in the back of my head I could hear DM criticising it, saying it was a waste of money, a fool and his money are easy parted etc, but then I realised, hang in, it's none of her business and she's hardly likely to ever find out how much it was and its our choice as working adults and parents what to spend money on.

I can't be she outright lied though. DH pointed out that all the times I've allegedly been sharp with her are when there's been no other adult around

It makes no sense to you because there’s no sense to be made.
Did you look at the outofthefog website? Please do.
My DM is like yours and I’ve spent all my life changing my behaviour (nicer, kinder, more positive, more grateful, more focused on her) but it’s never been enough.
You can’t solve it, give yourself the night off from thinking about it, please. X

For what it’s worth the flash point of the new dress/photo/DD incident is quite important. Your DD is moving into the time of becoming a young adult and developing her own life. Your DM will find that very hard to take, which is why she’s brought the focus back to her.

I think you probably know in the back of your head (and in your heart) that your DM is a difficult woman, and your DF placates for a quiet life. He would (and already has) attempted to put the blame on you for this situation. I do feel for you OP, it's awful to see your own Mum looking at you with contempt. I've been on the receiving end of it from my own DM a few times.

What she wants is for you to apologise so that she can dignify you with her presence. I'd take her at her word and spend less time with her. She'll be knocking on your door before you knock on hers, I'd wager.

Thank you all.

Yes, unfortunately I can foresee the situation arising where I give her the space she has requested, only to be accused of neglecting her/only contacting her when it suits me, or something of the sort.

I'm glad on one hand that we're talking again, but feel very wary of her now, like I'm going to constantly have to watch what I say and do around her. I will be telling her very little of mine and the children's lives beyond the superficial stuff in future

I just cannot believe she told an outright lie like that.

She must really dislike me

She sounds very like my mother. The sulking, the blaming you for stuff which is all in her head, the outright lies.

Just remember it's not your fault.

I don't think she dislikes you OP, I think she just doesn't like the fact you exerted your authority over her behaviour re: your DD, and is trying to bully you back into toeing the line. You haven't done anything wrong. You had your DD's back and your daughter will remember that, I'm sure, for a long time.

Wow, your mum sounds so like mine. It's incredible. I've been estranged from her for five years now. I'm fairly sure she has a personality disorder.

I'm so sorry. I've been on the receiving end of similar from my mum and it is awful. Being accused of saying or doing that you didn't is absolutely awful, it makes you feel like you're going mad. I've come to realise with my mum that she isn't lying though, she genuinely believes that it happened the way she says. Please just believe that it's not about you, it's her. Protect yourself and your dd

Thank you.

I just feel so shocked at all this. And I have a horrible feeling it'll not be the last time.

If you go back and read your initial post is there anything you would say has changed, now you’ve thought about how things have been the last few days?

With my mother I actually think she's delusional enough to start believing the lies she tells. She's always convinced she's right and I think believes it.

Similar happened with my mother a while back. She too had quite an abusive upbringing, and there was a lot of cowing to her moods when we were younger. She cut me and my children off suddenly a couple of years ago over me not agreeing with something she said, in a very polite manner but stating I don't want my dc to hear that. I'm largely sure it was the tipping point for her, I'd stood up for my dc when she was never able to and her own guilt caused it. That said for my only mental health I decided it was easier to take her at her word and haven't played in to her hands, I get the lies about things I definitely haven't said too - though now I look back I realise that was always a common theme. I thought we'd had a good relationship too until she realised I was going to break the cycle.

My father backed my mother all the way. He tried the 'blood is thicker than water line' so I asked him why he chose his wife so ignored his gc for a while. He's shut up about that now and realises his family is fractured as hell and it's up to him to facilitate his own relationships, whilst still cowing to my mother. It's his choice.

I've found the best way to win the game is to not play it at all.

Good luck op, whichever path you chose to take because it's a hard road whichever way you go.

The trouble is madame that if the only person that matters in the story will be your mother, all the details are only there to reflect her sense of self. Everyone else is irrelevant. And because everyone is usually anxious to keep the peace that version of the story is just accepted as being the one that sticks. Even if you know full well it’s rubbish.

So sorry op. I've had encounters similar with DM. Shocking for you to have felt that the relationship was something, and it is apparently not. From experience you may well go through some grief phases due to this, so talk to a professional if you struggle to get over it.

I really hope you can happily move on, or can be eventually reconciled. It is very hard once you've been told what someone thinks of you.

Before you arrange alternative childcare I would ask your dad about it, so she can't claim you are being horrible and cutting her out, hopefully it can come across as you trying to comply with her wishes but being unsure where the new boundaries lie. I would also be really clear to your dad how hurt and devastated you are.

Could you try joint therapy with DM? A therapist may be enabling her to think only from her pov. Joint sessions could help gain perspective on both sides.

Good luck xx

, OP.

The loneliest I've ever felt was when I started to suspect that my mother doesn't actually like me. She makes a lot of noise about her great love for me but, deep down, I'm frightened that it's her own image of herself as the perfect mother that she loves, and that she doesn't particularly know me or like what she does know of me. She does a lot for me but it's invariably stuff that I've politely declined and don't actually want or need, like grandparent childcare. However, she'll fly into a rage and call me a bad parent or bad daughter or whatever and sulk with me until I give in. Then she'll beat me round the head with everything that she's sacrificed for me. I've heard the "everything I've done for you" speech so many times, I have it by heart.

Sometimes I think I can see little flickers of actual dislike for me. E.g. recently she was talking in front of my preschool-age DD about a family member's illness, which I haven't told DD about yet as it might be something or nothing. She was actually saying very loudly with DD sitting right next to her that she was being very careful not to say anything in front of DD because she didn't want her to worry. So I just whispered to her that DD was listening in to our conversation - without sarcasm or irritation, just to give her a heads-up. She just looked at me as though she didn't like me at all and snapped something at me, then she sulked. I don't know why. Because I'd laid down a boundary in relation to DD? Because, in a small way, I'd challenged her image of herself as the perfect grandmother? I don't know. It's a lonely place anyway, so .

My mother is very good at rewriting events in her favour, it’s infuriating, she’s never wrong ever and highly belligerent if challenged. My father can be just as difficult, silent treatment etc..The furious silences over the years have been horrendous and damaging.

I think it’s about control, wanting attention or influence. You basically told her no don’t do that and she’s now in a massive sulk at not getting her way, not only with her daughter (surely a given in her book) but her granddaughter too. Ego well and truly dented. You won’t be forgiven and not going along with her flattering version of past events also doesn’t go down well. She’s your mother and therefore right.

It won’t be the last time op. I’ve ended up up just managing it and having rather a superficial relationship now as a result. I simply don’t trust her not to become difficult and am always mentally alert and tread on eggshells for signs of the next episode.