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Original poster

Why has my mother stopped talking to me practically overnight?

152 replies

Confused125 · 21/07/2019 10:34

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

OP posts:
CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/10/2021 06:43

I am taking a different read - she is telling you something here, and maybe you should listen? Not - give me examples and then let me explain them away. Actually listen.

You have two days of free childcare a week, and many other child related activities from what you describe, including support by coming to child events.

If you speak sharply to her (or more sharply than she would like) on the back of the help she gives you she may well feel undervalued.

Or she may feel that your relationship with her is mainly centered on the children, and therefore quite selfish?

It would be shame to turn this into a tit for tat "when I was young you did x so...." Deal with this issue, and if you need to apologise, woman up and do so. Then seperately, at a different time deal with childhood things.

Seems like, for all her (human) flaws, she gives you a lot. Are you sure you want to throw it away?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/10/2021 06:47

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/10/2021 06:56

Aggghhhhh!! Grin.

Bugger!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Polkadots2021 · 15/10/2021 07:02

@Confused125

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

OP this sounds very familar, she's a controlling narcissist who gets filled with rage if you instil boundaries for you or your DD. Do NOT give in, your DDs and your boundaries should be respected. Let her miss whatever she misses, it's her problem.

Im betting you hold your tongue and have given in most times 'on small things' and to 'keep the peace' most of your relationship and that's why it's been ok until now.

Except now you're being labelled the rude one and believe me your DD will be labelled if she doesn't fall into line too. It's bloody ridiculous stupid drama all fuelled by a narcissistic woman that needs to get over herself. I have this in my family so I know it well. It's bloody ridiculous and doesn't deserve your time or attention.

Keep telling yourself, boundaries aren't 'rude', and normal people respect them.

MamsellMarie · 15/10/2021 07:03

Maybe MN HQ should have a zombie controller in their software so they can check whether someone is coming back with a follow up to a past thread or that it's yet another ZOMBIE

SpindleWharl · 15/10/2021 07:15

I've reported the ridiculous zombie resurrection post but it's probably too late to stop it all now, as dawn approaches and the crows start to stir from their roosts ...

Gilly12345 · 15/10/2021 07:17

Your Dad just wants a quiet life and it sounds like your Mum is quite a tricky person.

Contact your Mum if you like but personally I wouldn’t, if she misses your Child’s school events or whatever they are then it is her loss.

JohnGetHomeNow · 15/10/2021 07:17

A ZOMBIE banner has been asked for over and over and over on site stuff because of shit like this, we are still waiting MNHQ.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/10/2021 07:27

They do have a zombie alert if you are the first person to post on a zombie thread - but it disappears for subsequent posters.

However, there are some "zombie" threads that aren't - they're the OP coming back to update what happened, even a few weeks later - so a banner on one of those wouldn't be helpful.

Silverswirl · 15/10/2021 07:35

Zombie but I really want to know how the OP and her mother are doing now!

Briony123 · 15/10/2021 07:37

@Confused125

She's usually a very caring grandmother and we usually get on well though.

I'm also suprised at how my dad has basically taken her side. He has often told me how difficult she can be, especially when they were first married. But when I was talking to him it was all, I'm staying out of it, you have a sharp tongue, your mother isn't happy with how you speak to her, don't you know how easily upset she is...

I'd follow your dad's lead and stay out of it too. Running around after "sensitive" types doesn't make things better, is frustrating for the person chasing around and, most of all, doesn't let the "sensitive" person see how ridiculous they are being. She needs to grow up and stop being a huffy little madam.
Wheresthebeach · 15/10/2021 07:42

@Deemail

Your mum tried to cross a boundary your dd wasn't happy with, you backed your daughter and your mother is not happy. She is now trying to punish you for your choice and make sure you won't do the same in future. Your choices are allow your mum to railroad you into feeling bad and in future think twice before standing up to her or stay firm in your initial stance in a polite manner that you were in your mother's role been an advocate for your young child and no matter what you will continue to do so.

It's important to remember you cannot change or control your mother and you should not allow her to do the same to you.
Choose how you react to this situation and leave your mother to do the same.
Re the event next week, the invitation has been issued if your mother wants to go she can if she chooses not to that's her choice, you haven't revoked the invitation she herself will be choosing not to go. Do not allow her into manipulating you so you'll beg her to go. How you react now will set the tone for how she behaves with you and your dc in future.

This - absolutely. Your DM needs a proper diagnosis if she’s going to get help - reading self help books isn’t necessarily helpful. Her childhood sounds awful but that doesn’t mean she can behave this way. I hate the way girls are bullied into smiling for the camera so I think you are quite right to support your DD. You had a choice - support your dd or let your Mum’s desire for a photo over rule your daughters discomfort. You made the right choice - your mum should have behaved like a grownup.
Wheresthebeach · 15/10/2021 07:44

Oh damn it. I hate zombie threads!

jeanne16 · 15/10/2021 07:50

Just send her a message asking if she is alright. Don’t let this fester.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 15/10/2021 07:55

I do feel for you, OP, since although I loved my mother and generally got on well with her, she was hyper-sensitive and would take offence at the most minute thing, and have a ‘face’ on for days, plus a ‘face’ on in her voice, IYKWIM.

It took me many years to realise that we had tiptoed around her on eggshells for ever when she was like this, waiting for it to wear off, as it eventually would. She had done it ever since I could remember, and it’d make a horrible atmosphere in the house.

I did just once completely lose my rag after she’d done it for the nth time over something so trivial - I positively screamed at her, had a massive go and told her how upsetting it had always been. TBH I don’t think it had ever occurred to her that it upset other people - as a pp said, sensitive people can be sensitive to their own feelings, rather than other people’s - certainly true in her case.
And after that, she did actually stop doing it for some years.

My advice would be to act perfectly normally, as if you’re oblivious to her tantrum, because that’s what it is, and don’t let her see that she’s upset you - until it wears off, as I’m sure it will. Hard though I know that will be - I know all too well how upsetting this kind of thing can be.

SpiceRat · 15/10/2021 07:55

The MN survey is going on right now. People should respond to it and in the anything else section request that ridiculous zombie threads like this be stopped. It’s a joke on this website.

FelicityPike · 15/10/2021 08:17

2019 people!

TinnedPotatoesRock · 15/10/2021 08:17

How the actual fuck did this thread get resurrected?

Luckytattie · 15/10/2021 08:32

Something didn't go her way and she couldn't handle it.

Look out for that in the future.
My mum can be like this and when it clicked I see it loads now and not just with me.
It's quite pathetic

Luckytattie · 15/10/2021 08:32

Oh fuck sake

Lunificent · 15/10/2021 08:33

@TinnedPotatoesRock

How the actual fuck did this thread get resurrected?
I think people Google a topic, there’s a Mumsnet thread on it, they click on, get absorbed then add to the thread without having thinking of the date.
Luckytattie · 15/10/2021 08:33

@JohnGetHomeNow

A ZOMBIE banner has been asked for over and over and over on site stuff because of shit like this, we are still waiting MNHQ.
They DO have a warning when you post on a zombie thread.
crimsonlake · 15/10/2021 09:32

Some mothers....
It appears she got upset about nothing, this has blown all out of proportion, hardly your fault and now she is the victim and all the guilt is on you because you dared upset her. Sounds so familiar and manipulative to me.
If she is anything like my mother she will not phone, meanwhile you will continue to feel like a bad daughter and your guilt will drive you to call her.

FatBettyintheCoop · 15/10/2021 10:03

@Luckytattie

They DO have a warning when you post on a zombie thread.

The warning only appears for the numpty Poster who has resurrected the ZOMBIE thread.

There is no warning at all for the subsequent posters piling on and THAT’S WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/10/2021 10:07

“She and my dad have in the last six months or so decided (after reading certain books and listening to radio shows) that her childhood was abusive and that she has PTSD as a result.“

You sound doubtful?

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