Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Why has my mother stopped talking to me practically overnight?

152 replies

Confused125 · 21/07/2019 10:34

My mother can be a tricky and very sensitive woman, but she is also kind, supportive, and we usually get on extremely well. She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)

For just over a week now she has not spoken to me. She called in to my house and I could tell right away she was in a funny mood. DD had a new dress on and my mum wanted to take a picture of her in it. DD is shy about getting her picture taken and said she didn't want to. Mum started pressurising her a bit, and I said that it was OK if she didn't want her photo taken and if I managed to catch a snap of her in the dress I'd send it to DM. DM started getting reaally cross and said "I just want a photo!" and I said well it's DD's choice. DM then shot me a look of pure rage and dislike and basically stormed out of my house. I'd never seen anything like it. The day before we had been out together and had a lovely day.
Since then she has not contacted or spoken to me, she has also missed an event of the DCs and will miss another one next week if this doesn't stop. My dad called in and I asked him what the problem with mum was, he said she was going to "have a chat" with me and apparently I can be "rude in the way I speak to her". I asked him for examples of this, but he just said DM would talk to me. He also went on about how sensitive DM is and how hard her childhood was?

I'm baffled. This has never happened before. DM can be tricky and has had depressive episodes in the past, but she's never been like this with me and I'm shocked she's taking it out on the DC, they were asking why she hadn't come to the event. It's honestly like she woke up one morning and decided she hated me. If she told me what it is I've done wrong I'd apologise but I haven't spoken to her since she stormed out.

What do I do? Contact her and pretend nothing has happened? Wait for her to contact me? The DC event next week is a big one and if she misses that or causes a scene around it, I don't think we'd be able to come back from it. I feel sick and can't sleep.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 21/07/2019 16:28

I think you'll be spending the rest of your life what you've done wrong now.

You stood up for your dd. Good for you.

The photo was no big deal. I'm not sure how your mother's unpleasant childhood would contribute to her response.

How was your childhood, op?

Spend your time hoping not to upset her? Making sure she was happy?

You sound scared in your posts. Her behaviour is affecting your life so negatively.

Has she always had such power over you?

Perhaps it's a good thing she's flounced off.

Gives you some time to think and evaluate things.

Have a read of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Cobblersandhogwash · 21/07/2019 16:29

And I wouldn't call her.

She's gone off in a strop. She sounds like a right madam.

I'd let her come to you and apologise for bratty behaviour.

Conflicted121 · 21/07/2019 16:36

My sister used to do this to me. For no known reason to me, she would go into silent treatment mode for weeks. I would have to call and find out if she was OK. She would either pretend everything was fine and make me feel silly or make out that she thought it was me with the problem and say she was giving me space. Either way I ended up apologising.

The last time that she did it, I confronted her straight up. She really did step up her game and accused me of all sorts. Ever the victim she relayed this to my adult niece and nephew. It was her big mistake as they refused to speak to me and she couldn’t come Clean with her lies. Instead she insisted that I apologise to them. I am NC with them all and have been for years. We reconnected briefly but she told a whopper of a lie to our parents and I went NC for the final time.

I often wonder if I could have done anything different. I don’t believe I could have. Sure, I was able to keep the peace but it played havoc with my own mental health constantly being told how wrong I was.

If I was you, I would not engage. I am not suggesting that you go NC but at least leave it until your mum gets over this episode. It sounds like she has a victim mentality too and so at the moment all she will know is that she is mad at you and that will be directed at the things that you are doing wrong and by the sound of it she is being enabled by your dad. Once she has calmed down, she will realise but unable to admit it so will likely claim that she thought you were upset with her.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NoisyNeighbour · 21/07/2019 16:44

She sounds like a spoilt child.

I would interpret your dad saying don't be one of these people who start saying oh it's all about my family and my children and the next thing you'll be saying we can't see the kids

As - Don't put your DDs feelings before your Mothers.

I would put my DD first, EVERY single time.

Balls to her. She can't play the 'Im sensitive' card when you stick up for yourself & DD.

She is causing you a great deal of anxiety. You are an adult now, but I dont think she will ever respect that.

Are you a child that should be seen & not heard?

NoSauce · 21/07/2019 16:46

Look, if this is unusual behaviour which you said it is there’s obviously something wrong.

Just go and see her.

JustHavinABreak · 21/07/2019 16:50

If this were a regular occurance then I would agree with the pp who are saying to let her stew. But you seem to have an otherwise good relationship so I really feel this needs to be tackled for BOTH of you, and no, not by phone. It's not a time to make light of anything. You're both too hurt.

JustHavinABreak · 21/07/2019 16:52

Sorry I should have been clearer. I mean not by phone because I think body language and other little nuances could be important, particularly if she does want to open up to you about her childhood

username678889 · 21/07/2019 16:59

She sounds exactly like my dad . I remember one time my dad turned up at my house. I had previously asked him to come and look at my washing machine but he turned up after I'd got home from work and was cooking for my quite young at the time dc . Anyway he ignored that and started to fix washing machine so I had to stop cooking but my dc was getting upset as was hungry ( kitchen was tiny so I couldn't get in with washing machine pulled out . I said eventually dad sorry can I just finish making dc his dinner he's hungry. It was like a switch had been flicked on and he looked at me with such venom and rage and said never ask me to do anything again and stormed off . My dh who witnessed this outburst couldn't believe it . I rang my dm and she said oh never mind . My dad didn't speak to me for 6 months he even walked away after I bumped into them in the supermarket.
I was after many many of these that I finally went NC . It just gets you down After a while and your left wondering what have I done .
I hope it's a one of op and you can sort it out but if your dad is condoning her behaviour rather than nipping it now she will think she's right .

willloman · 21/07/2019 17:00

Has she started on any new medication? If behaviour is uncharacteristic then don't assume it's just how she feels. I would talk more to family and see if any one else has noticed changes. Good luck!

Taichipandas · 21/07/2019 17:16

Playing devil's advocate, maybe in her eyes she thought " I've tried my best to be a supportive gm and DD wouldn't even ask her my gdd to try and stand for a measly photo for me"

I'm not saying you were wrong to do what you did op if your DD is shy, but from the pov of your gm, maybe she felt put out? You say that "She is a fab loving grandmother and we talk/see each other a couple of times a week (not always for long, we don't live in each other's pockets)* and and then you say she picks up your DC from nursery X 2 a week. She obviously normally attends other events too. Does that mean you only really see her when she is doing something for the dc?

I'm not saying it is justified but maybe she feels a bit unappreciated or taken for granted?

Aquamarine1029 · 21/07/2019 17:20

How old is your mother? Do you think she might be going through menopause?

Original poster
Confused125 · 21/07/2019 17:52

We see each other minus the children, and maybe she does feel unappreciated, but I have tried to show my gratitude - I always make sure to thank her when she does anything for the DC, and in fact the day before this, I had been discussing with her how I was going to buy her and my dad tickets to see a show & dinner as a thank you for picking up dc from nursery this year, I had also ordered a coat she wanted as a suprise- it's been delivered to her house already, I got the notification. She had asked me to look online for the coat and tell her how much it was, but I just bought it for her as a thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Confused125 · 21/07/2019 17:53

She's been through menopause.

OP posts:
Cobblersandhogwash · 21/07/2019 18:03

Stop trying so hard to please her.

It sounds like you're desperate for her approval.

Are you leaving your child with her whilst you go out to work?

Bloodybridget · 21/07/2019 18:05

Confused, as this seems to be the first time your mum has reacted so unreasonably, I think you should make contact with her, tell her you want to sort it out, and make a time to sit down with her, just the two of you if possible (i.e. no children around). Give her time to talk, interrupt as little as you can, then tell her your side of it. Hopefully this will help. If she is just angry and unreasonable, she's spoiling things for herself, with you and with her DGCs. Good luck.

NoSauce · 21/07/2019 18:08

OP I don’t think this thread is helping you. People will project their own relationships and feelings in their responses to you and give advice that might not be helpful.

Only you know your mum, only you can say whether you should ignore her and let her come round or go and see her.

Sleep on it and have a think tomorrow.

WomanLikeMeLM · 21/07/2019 18:24

Your dad has already told you whats wrong, its the way you speak to her.

JustHavinABreak · 21/07/2019 18:24

I think @NoSauce is making a really good point. At this stage we've been all around the houses as we say around these parts. There isn't a view that hasn't been covered and the one thing we all seem to agree on is that you OP sound lovely and we all want you to be ok. Whatever you do, check back in and let us know how it went coz there'll be a few of us thinking of you.

JustHavinABreak · 21/07/2019 18:28

@WomanLikeMeLM are you the OP's mum?

Ilovetolurk · 21/07/2019 18:39

There’s posters on this thread who won’t be happy until OPs like you are NC like them

Just bear that in mind

It sounds like normally have a good relationship with her so just speak to her

Nanny0gg · 21/07/2019 18:41

I think maybe your mother is like mine and think that children shouldn't be given the choice (of whether to have photo taken). When I was a kid I'd have my pic taken in a dress whether i damned well wanted to or not. Perhaps your mum thinks you are giving too much choice to the child.

I wondered that. With the addition of you let your DD have her way and undermined your mum (in her eyes)

Original poster
Confused125 · 21/07/2019 18:58

Possibly. I could see how she'd see it that way, I think part of why she struggled to parent teenage me is because she wasn't allowed to have choices/a say in things concerning herself and her autonomy into adulthood actually, and a kneejerk reaction to that is to think that a child asserting the self in that way is bad and wrong. I've noticed it before - for example when I was a kid, my weird uncle would pin us down and twist our arms/tickle us to the point of tears and she'd get cross at us for being rude if we complained/yelled at him to get off. That's a link back to her childhood I suppose.

Thank you all again. Lots to think of. I will come back to this thread at some point, hopefully with a pleasant resolution, though I couldn't say when.

OP posts:
Taichipandas · 21/07/2019 19:07

Good luck op. You sound lovely (and appreciative!) so maybe it is the perceived undermining thing and possibly a generational difference. Hope things work out ok for you and your mum Flowers

Socksontheradiator · 21/07/2019 19:09

I'm sorry this has happened OP.
I'd leave her to contact you, tbh, as your father has said she's intending to.
Did she just not turn up at planned events after her flounce?
I feel for you as my mother behaves similarly sometimes!

Reallybadidea · 21/07/2019 19:31

You said in your OP that she seemed to be in a funny mood when she arrived. Any idea what that was about? Has that happened before?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.