Why request this at a wedding?

[Time40]

... that everyone absolutely HAS to be in their seats twenty minutes before the start of the ceremony? I just can't think why (and it's quite annoying - who wants to sit on a hard pew with nothing to do for a full twenty minutes? It's bad enough having to be there at all ... I hate weddings).

I'm going to bed now, but I'll be back in the morning, with hopes of finding some MN wisdom. TIA.

I really do understand and I really haven't deserved the vitriol you've thrown my way. I haven't really said much different to many others on the thread.

It's only 20 mins, you could have declined the invite, it's really not that troublesome a situation.

Only time I ever had such an instruction (it wasn't a wedding BTW) the Queen was attending. How posh is this wedding OP?

I am a photographer, do a lot of weddings. How will I get a shot of the bride coming up the aisle if there are latecomers coming in too?

Not only that, it is disruptive. People might be late for many reasons which are not their fault but who in their right mind, having paid a lot of money for the venue and ceremony would want people coming at times noisily in when the ceremony is happening?

Apart from both these things it is just RUDE.

Some weddings are great some not so much. Half an hour isn't that bad though I think you're beinga bit picky.

It’s probably the vicar who has requested it. Our vicar said if I (the bride) was more than 10 minutes late he could and would refuse to marry us. So suggested we ask guests to arrive 20 minutes early. Also the church was close to a pub and I think they were used to people lingering in the pub and staggering into church late.

Having read your post and updates I think you should actually decline. You don't knlw one party, know the other slightly and are a plus one. Save them the money its costing or the place they would rather give to someone else who might actually love to be there. Not being goady but it really sounds like its not your thing.

Definitely for people who are chronically late.

My sister, who is infamous for lateness, put 1pm on her invites when the wedding was at 1.30. Everyone (normal, non-late people) arrived at 12.30-12.40. She arrived 20 minutes late, literally being dragged in by the wedding co-ordinator as the registrar was about to leave. So we had to wait nearly 90 minutes beforehand. It wasn't a church wedding so the chairs were comfortable enough, at least.

If it's a civil the probably so the bride can enter and go and have her interview with the registrar beforehand, that's what I did.

I don't get why you've accepted the invitation, honestly. You're only a plus one, you've never met one of the couple and barely know the other, and you hate weddings. They can be so expensive and a hassle if you don't know the people in question, absolutely, so I sympathise on that score. I just don't get why you didn't politely decline.

And I think it's normal to be seated 20 mins before the bride arrives, no? I suspect, if it's worded aggressively, that they have relations who have disrupted another recentish wedding by arriving late! That's often what underlies apparently odd instructions such as this, in my experience: backstory you aren't party to.

@Thatstoast that sounds miserable! Poor guests. Hope the meal was good enough to compensate!

Maybe they just want people on time! We had a registry office wedding and it was sort of assembly line - in the front door, 30 min slot and out the back as the next wedding arrived. We spoke to all our guests personally to explain that kick off would be bang on time and everyone was punctual except a friend of dh who rocked up late with wife and two kids and completely ruined my entrance as they arrived in with me!

To me this is not a unreasonable or uncommon request and I have been to many weddings where guests are asked to start taking their seats 30 mins before including my own. Also I was told in no uncertain terms I was not to be late as a bride (I wouldn't have been anyway as I think lateness is very rude) this was because the registrar has other weddings to do on the day not just that one which is completely unstanderable. However I do like weddings and always feel very honoured if someone feels that they want to invite me and that includes to the reception only.

Although all my guests arrived early to the church, I was slightly surprised to see everyone outside waiting for me to arrive rather than sitting inside! I can see the point of arriving early it's the bit about being in your seats that is a bit odd to me.

Went to a wedding a few years ago. Arrived 45 mins early as we were helping transport pushchairs and equipment needed by other guests arriving 15 mins later. Church gates were padlocked. Waited, no sign of anyone. Went to nearest house to ask if any info. Turned out organists house..Didn't know about the wedding but agreed to contact all concerned. Caretaker eventually arrived to unlock gates and church. Organist took up her place. Other guests arrived organist playing a selection from every musical you could imagine. Parent of bride arrived and requested if anyone could go back with the chauffeur as he didn't know the way back to collect bride and father. Meanwhike groom hadn't arrived either. Chauffeurs had muddled up who was going where. Eventually two hours later bride arrived but no minister. He had been held up at a funeral. Huge cheer when he eventually appeared and wedding took place. Of course the hotel reception had to put meal on hold, they did a marvellous job actually. The one person I felt sorry for was the organist. On leaving the church I looked back and there was a huge pile of music scattered on the floor around her. Think she had been through her whole repertoire at least twice. Couple are still together, thankfully after all that.

If this comes across as an order, you can be sure that the ones who are usually late will make sure that they are definitely late.

How posh is this wedding OP?

Quite posh, Rod. Not royally posh, though!

I don't get why you've accepted the invitation, honestly. You're only a plus one, you've never met one of the couple and barely know the other, and you hate weddings

Because it's a family wedding, perfectstorm. I don't know the younger generation all that well, but I do know the parents ... so, thinking about it a bit more, I'm probably more significant than a plus one, really. I don't honestly know if they would have invited me out of totally free choice. There will be a lot of people there that I know well, so I wouldn't be able to get out of it without causing hurt. It's as I said before - you can cry of these things once or twice, but if you keep doing it with family events, the reasons won't be believed and you'll be rumbled. I did actually cry off a family wedding about twenty-five years ago. I said I was ill and it wasn't forgotten for a long, long time. They were all suspicious!

Manicmij, that wedding sounds really chaotic and crazy!

I have actually been to a couple of weddings that turned out to be fun. For one, the evening party was on a boat going down a river, and when we got off at the other end, we had a barbeque - and, just for once, I met someone new who was incredibly nice interesting. Another one that was good was in Cornwall, which was followed by country dancing in the garden, and in the evening we all met up at the pub and then went swimming ... I think I liked those because they were much more relaxed than the usual formal wedding.

"nice and interesting", that should say. I wish we could edit posts - I never see the typos until it's too late.

Your partner who is taking you as a plus one clearly doesn’t know you very well.
These “dull” conversations- you are one half of them you know, why is it up to the other people to be interesting enough to come up to your exacting standards? Why din’t You steer the conversation to something more interesting?
And anyone with an ounce of empathy can be moved by a couple making their vows, father of the Bride speeches are poignant, best man speeches can be funny (if hit and miss) and all the speeches give an insight into the individuals involved. Sorry, but you just sound like a bit of a misery and I think it’s a shame that the couple are spending money to entertain you when you will hate it all so much.

This was exactly what happened to a wedding we went to. Bride didn’t want anyone to see her dress until she walked in church ,not even the bridesmaids and to the point where she wanted all the bridesmaids to get ready at my house as our DD was a bridesmaid.
I said No it’s not happening. She’d even arranged the car, for the bridesmaids, to go from my house, without even asking. I soon told her what I thought of that and it wasn’t going to happen. On the morning of the wedding I had to take DD to the hairdressers of brides choice , wait while DD had her her done , drive back home to do my own hair and makeup. Not once did the bride see any of the alterations done on the bridesmaids dresses and on the day of the wedding in her mother’s house she wasn’t even bothered what they looked like.
Absolute nightmare.
I think you’ll find people will just go into the Church 10 to 15 minutes before bride arrives.
The Bride will arrive then have photos of her in the car and whoever is giving her away . Timings will all go out the window and if it rains , hope it doesn’t, I’m sure everyone will want to be in church, in the dry.

They may be charged if things run late, don't find it unreasonable at all.

I think to issue it as an order is odd and verges on rude and certainly takind yourselves very seriously.
But reasonable and polite people would go in 10 mins before.
Though I was at a lovely wedding once where the ceremony had started and we all heard a car razzing up the road to the church handbrake turn and stop, then 3 guests came running in flustered. We all laughed, nobody minded.

@Time40 oh Lord, then I sympathise. Family weddings you don't want to go to, but can't get out of, are hellish.

Most invites we’ve received just have the ceremony start time and most people arrive 5-10 mins early naturally, to be on the safe side. One friend put the start time 30 mins earlier than it actually was to make sure no one was late, which meant most of us spent 40 mins waiting, I was so annoyed!!

If it a civil ceremony in my area, then the groom and guests are expected to make their way to the ceremony room 15 minutes before the ceremony time. There they wait for the bride to make her entrance and for the ceremony to start on time.

I imagine a couple asking people to be seated 20 minutes before the ceremony are trying to avoid all the people who faff about and have one last drink, one last toilet visit etc. etc. which could leave the schedule very tight. You don't want guests wandering in after the bride has made her entrance.

@cantfindname - that sounds terrible and hilarious at the same time!!!

I’ve never been to a wedding (at the ripe old age of 43) so couldn’t tell you if it’s normal etiquette or not, only that I would be one of the people who would end up squeezing in just before the bride, so would appreciate an half-hour seating warning!!