Why request this at a wedding?

[Time40]

... that everyone absolutely HAS to be in their seats twenty minutes before the start of the ceremony? I just can't think why (and it's quite annoying - who wants to sit on a hard pew with nothing to do for a full twenty minutes? It's bad enough having to be there at all ... I hate weddings).

I'm going to bed now, but I'll be back in the morning, with hopes of finding some MN wisdom. TIA.

Why don’t you like weddings? Not being arsey, genuinely interested.

@Time40

Are you actually being serious?

I don't there is anything wrong with being 20 minutes early for a wedding. Indeed, I would say that is normal. As a few people have said, if your time is that precious, then just leave 20 minutes early.

And also, (as a pp said,) it's not uncommon for the photographer to take pics of the guests before everyone goes in. Every wedding I have been to, most people are there around half an hour before.

@Thegracefuloctopus

People being late makes me anxious and uncomfortable. I hated the idea of people being late to my wedding because i knew i would be ready early. Even if i try to be late i just end up being early somehow. DH bless him rang around everyone before the wedding without my knowledge to say please be early and explained why.

Then i was in doing the pre-wedding interview and (i didnt know at the time) a couple turned up and the woman was desperate for the loo. DH told her she could either "watch or wizz"... she chose to wizz and he told the venue not to let her back in or near me. She was his guest thankfully. Its the couples day and its 20 bloody minutes. If you dont care enough about them to respect the request then dont go.

Glad this is your husband and not mine.

To refuse a person entry to your wedding, because they needed the loo as soon as they got there is appalling behaviour. What a way to treat people. I would be so ashamed and embarrassed.

If these people are so awful, and sooooo annoying because they are always late, then why the hell did you invite them to your wedding?

Did you just want to make a point? Did you want to shame them? Did it make your husband feel like a big important man? And did he puff out his big old chest and beat it?

Whatever the case, treating those people that way was disgusting.

Yes he did and i bloody love him for it. They were his guests. Theyre always late for everything. He specifically asked them to be early. He knew i was around and that she would take ages faffing around as she always does so told her where to go. We got married in a building with a beautiful public park so my FIL (DH best man) gave her a fiver and told her to grab a coffee and we would be done soon.

WOW. Words fail me. 'Here's a fiver, now piss off and get a coffee and come back when the grown-ups are done, seeing as you can't hold your bladder for an hour til the ceremony has finished.'

After the wedding, she sincerely apologised saying she hadnt realised i would be "that on time". Also, she hadnt travelled, we got married in our home town and she walked to the venue!

Oh so this is a valid reason to treat people like crap then because she hadn't travelled and had walked to the venue (If that is actually true.)

And she probably 'apologised' because she was embarrassed and ashamed. It sounds like you and your husband are very happy that you made her feel that way.

How proud you both must be.

I hate people that are late. They almost invariably think their time is more important than other people's.

I'm military raised and so "5 mins early is late" is how I've always been.

I've read on here posters trying to defend being late to weddings, funerals, JOB INTERVIEWS ffs!

No! Shift your arse on time and be considerate of others.

If you're going somewhere unfamiliar or at a busy time you need to build in extra time for unforeseen delays anyway.

The number of people who don't allow time for parking etc is ridiculous. This is not information people should need to be told.

Yes they should be reasonable, responsible adults capable of getting to an event in time to allow for (in this case) parking, loo breaks, being seated, possibly photos etc unfortunately there's too many people who AREN'T like this and cause problems for others.

20 mins is NOTHING, it's a coffee break, a quick browse on FB! Op if this has irked you so much that rather suggests to me you're probably exactly the type of person who DOES need such a direction as you begrudge giving such a short amount of time to who is presumably a relative or quite close friend (or friend of your dp/dh - which you should be respectful of for their sake) on a special day to them. Get over yourself.

Drowningincustard - I would advise a bridal couple with guests they know are likely to be tardy to lie about the start time too. I used to work in the industry and the tardy people tended to fall into 2 groups - the always tardy and those late to the wedding because they felt they had a point to make (see the many difficult mil posts on here! And it's not just mil, it can be fathers, siblings etc too, some of whom have done that shitty thing of noisily arriving at the "does anyone know of any lawful impediment" part - disgusting behaviour that makes them look the petty attention seeking twats they are!)

On general tardiness my mother in particular is a NIGHTMARE, within the family we've long since taken the tack of telling her something starts 60-90 mins before it does and even then she'll only just make it! So annoying!

Why don’t you like weddings? Not being arsey, genuinely interested

I don't like any big gatherings. The conversations they tend to produce are the lightweight, chit-chat and small-talk kind, and I hate that - I find it a massive, massive strain. And weddings are worse than any other large gathering because of the added Boring Bits. Wedding ceremonies are really, really DULL. I'm sure, to many people, they are lovely and beautiful and moving, but unfortunately they make me lose the will to live - especially if, as so often happens, the ceremony starts late, so you have all been sitting there waiting for ages. And then there are The Speeches, which I also find terribly dull. And on top of that, weddings always seem to be miles away, and a real pain to get to - hours spent stressed out on motorways while wearing formal clothes ... and the clothes are another nuisance. Wedding days tend to be long, and if you're wearing formal clothes, it gets very uncomfortable by the evening ... and then you probably have to get home again. And if they are happening miles away, it can mean an overnight stay - which isn't great, as I hate hotels, too. And an overnight stay on top of the cost of travelling and the present means that the blasted things end up costing a fortune. And my capacity to be with other people lasts for four hours at the most, before I just really, really, desperately want to be on my own again ... I could go on. I'm sure I could think of even more reasons why I hate weddings. (Oh yes - finding something to wear, which is another massive nuisance and expense ... I've nothing for this one, and I think I'm going to have to get down to it next week and start sewing.)

20 mins is NOTHING ....Get over yourself

There's no need to be rude. I was wondering why, and it started an interesting thread. There's nothing wrong with posting an question to MN that starts an interesting thread. I don't need to "get over myself", thank you very much.

I do sympathise. My own mother was almost late to my wedding as she never leaves enough time to get ready. Her partner left without her as he was so cross Two couples were late to the wedding and weren't allowed in as the registrar had closed the doors. I don't think 20 mins is unreasonable really

That's just rude to bring a baby to someone wedding if you couldn't attend you should have declined. Why on earth would you be out and bleeding within a week yuck.

I honestly wish I'd added this in some invitations to my wedding. I was 20 minutes late walking up the aisle (my sister made me late and the interview with the registrars took a while as one was in the loo) and I had to be stopped before entering because a group of friends were literally just walking in as the procession march played.

At my brothers wedding my Nana was so late she walked up the aisle behind my sister in law like an aged bridesmaid

Not rude at all. You're making this all about you and your issues with weddings. The world does not revolve around your needs, 20 mins IS nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. If you can't spare a mere 20 mins for someone you're supposed to like and respect doesn't say much for your effort in friendships.

Well it’s clearly so that it starts on time, most likely because there’s another wedding straight after.

TBH though I think you should decline. You may think that will be causing offence, but if you sit there all tense and bothered by everything people around you will notice and it will become a bother for them.

Just tell the couple you can’t go and ask if you can take them out for dinner at a later date instead.

@bingbongnoise
You forgot this charmer; I can demand they suit my plans... IT WAS MY WEDDING!!
@Thegracefuloctopus
You and your DH are rude and crass, anxious my arse; controlling madam more like, your attitude is awful.

I’ve been to a number of weddings where the B&G have said it’s a 2.30 wedding but it’s actually 3pm to prevent this entire situation.

Me too, except it was a longer time period, with the ceremony being 45 minutes later than what was on the invitation. Very irritating to people like my husband and I who are always early and we arrived at the venue half an hour before the time on the invite.

Then the bride was late! She got ready at the venue as well, so no excuses. We were starving (early breakfast to allow for travelling time) before the ceremony had even begun.

Having said all that a polite "please be seated 20 minutes before the ceremony starts at 2pm" (as long as the ceremony actually is at 2pm, not 2.45) is fine and is what most people would do as standard at a wedding anyway. It's some people needing to be reminded that it's for.

While I'm all for punctuality, the behaviour of thegracefuloctopus and her DH has made my jaw drop, that is one of the most unreasonable bits of behaviour by a bride or groom I've ever heard of.

Weddings seem to have become very complicated and frankly unpleasent over the last few years. They used to be fun family friendly events. Now they seem to be an excuse for a very expensive party where everyone has to do everything the Bride and Groom want as though they are very spoiled children. Also if you think it's not for you and turn the invite down you are being selfish. I know not all weddings are like this but I do think it is a shame that many are.

OriginofSpecies
Were you at the same wedding I was at upthread?

How hard is it to tell people the time the wedding starts? Then people are seated before the wedding starts?

@bingbongnoise yep, most people walked there, including DH! I only pointed this out because someone else asked if they had travelled far.
She totally understood and we're still all friends now. I cannot stand people being late. All it says is they think their time is more important than yours. Lateness is rude, especially to someone elses wedding. Everyone else could be ontime, why not her... and after prewarning too!!! You dont know me from adam. No, he didnt want to 'puff out his chest and beat it', he just knew i was in the prewedding interview and knew she would walk in just as i started up the aisle. They didnt tell her in front of people, they didnt let her into the ceremony room at all.
My wedding was actually very relaxed, i just wanted people there on time. The ceremony venue was in the grounds of a public park. The reception was in our local pub, we had a band, a hog roast and people still tell me its the best wedding theyve ever been to.
@bookworm4 if im paying for you to have a meal, drinks and a night out, the least you can do is turn up on time. And if not, slip in the back and keep quiet. Dont turn up late then say "ooo can you all wait, i need a wee". The ceremony was 15 mins.
My point is, a lot of people hate lateness and want to do all they can to avoid this. A 20minute sit is nothing!

That's just rude to bring a baby to someone wedding if you couldn't attend you should have declined. Why on earth would you be out and bleeding within a week yuck.

You can't be serious Wareagle42 ??!!

I assume wareagle24 is referring to my post where I mentioned I took a baby just over a week old to the wedding of a close family member. Easy birth, no stitches, felt fine.

Not rude to take an invited baby to a wedding. The 18 mo (also invited) was far more trouble than a tiny newborn.

Also, this might blow your mind but every time you go out in public women are bleeding all around you . Perhaps you should stay in your cellar away from people?

RoomR0613 I assumed it was about your post too, I honestly can't believe anyone really thinks that Fucking women. Having the audacity to bleed covertly in public!

You're making this all about you and your issues with weddings. The world does not revolve around your needs, 20 mins IS nothing at all in the grand scheme of things. If you can't spare a mere 20 mins for someone you're supposed to like and respect doesn't say much for your effort in friendships

@Graphista, if you had actually READ AND UNDERSTOOD my original post, you wouldn't say something that was so very, very far off the mark, so bloody rude, and so aggressive and unpleasant into the bargain.

I DID NOT SAY that I wasn't willing to be at the wedding 20 minutes early. I DID NOT SAY that I thought it was unreasonable to arrive at a wedding a little bit early. For what it's worth, I actually WILL be trying to arrive at this wedding a little before the stated time of the ceremony. My question was WHY ARE THEY ORDERING US TO SIT IN OUR SEATS SO EARLY? That doesn't show that I'm not prepared to make the effort to be on time - all I was doing was wondering about the (to me) mysterious requirement to be seated so long in advance of the ceremony. I think I have my answer now: it will be because of the photography.

And by the way, about this: If you can't spare a mere 20 mins for someone you're supposed to like and respect doesn't say much for your effort in friendships - I've never met one half of this couple, and I don't know the other half at all well. I'm just the plus-one for this event, so please keep your comments about my talents as a friend to yourself.

I don't appreciate being insulted by someone because that someone has failed at basic reading and comprehension.

My ex-in laws were half an hour late for my wedding. It was a horrible feeling waiting outside, a few stragglers came in as well and I ended up shaking their hands at the door like I was an usher. Had to make the decision to start eventually and they snuck in after it started. They never apologised and were full of excuses about the traffic. Wish I had just got back in the car and gone home, I certainly felt like doing that which I guess was a bad omen

Op just because I have disagreed with you, criticised you, does NOT mean I haven't thoroughly read and understood what you have said.

YOU wrote:

"it's quite annoying - who wants to sit on a hard pew with nothing to do for a full twenty minutes? It's bad enough having to be there at all ... I hate weddings"

"and "request" is the wrong word. It's an order!" (I very much doubt this is the case, I'd love to know the exact wording of the instruction which you have at no point given)

You also gave a long reply as to why you haven't declined this invitation IMPLYING that the wedding was that of a close friend or relative, where declining could easily cause offence (though as per mn "wedding rules" it's never compulsory to attend) - yet now you say you only know one half of the couple and barely know them and are only a "plus one" - absolutely no reason why a plus one declining would cause any issues.

Then another post going on about all the reasons you don't like weddings.

So really - why haven't you simply declined the invite?

The whole premise of the thread is how irked you are at being expected to behave in a perfectly normal, reasonable way at a common event many of us attend.

Even as "only" a plus one, you are to a degree "representing" your partner/spouse or whoever you're "plus one" for, so your care and respect for THEM is shown in your approach to the matter, your behaviour in response to the invite and on the day.

And quite honestly if you think my replies were rude, aggressive and unpleasant perhaps you need to consider if you're not resilient enough to post in a fairly aggressive and argumentative way yourself.

As for "keep your comments to yourself" do you even understand how online forums work? You don't get to dictate how people respond.

I haven't said anything out of order, I've given my opinion - which is what you invite when you post - just because you didn't LIKE that opinion doesn't give you the right to "tell people off"!

20 mins in a seat for such an event (and as pps have pointed out it may be a perfectly comfortable seat OR you could take a cushion to ensure comfort if not - I'm disabled and struggle with certain seating and I'd take a cushion or other items to ensure better comfort) I really don't consider a particular hardship, and most respondents to the thread seem to agree.

Op just because I have disagreed with you, criticised you, does NOT mean I haven't thoroughly read and understood what you have said

You didn't understand it at all, and now you seem to understand it even less. You're just making assumptions and twisting what I said. I actually think you are deliberately spoiling for a fight - which you won't get from me. I'm not even going to tag your name for this reply - read it or not; I don't care.