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Original poster

DH and ‘I thought it was obvious’. Is it?

109 replies

BiscuitDrama · 14/07/2019 18:07

DH does this all the time.

Tonight at dinner, eldest DD, 10 says she thinks DH doesn’t like her as much as the other children. (I have told DH recently that she thinks this as I overheard her telling sibling.) DH says in a slightly jokey way ‘that’s true. In fact the only reason I’m taking you to xx tonight is because you’re the only one technically allowed to go’ (this is true). DD puts head on table and hides in her arms.

I say to DH he needs to tell her he does care about her.

He then says he thought it was obvious he doesn’t not like her because he was joking.

So while I can see I shouldn’t undermine him in front of the children, and yes, was then only joking, but with something that’s a really big deal, it’s nice to hear the actual words. I mean it would have been good for him to actually say ‘I love you as much as the others’.

This happens all the time.
I might be massively over sensitive though?

Are we just totally mismatched?

OP posts:
MauisHouseOnMaui · 14/07/2019 18:10

Your DH was being a dick, kids can't always tell when someone is being sarcastic/joking so it was a horrible joke to make especially when you've already told him DD is worried about this and when he could see she was visibly upset.

I don't think it's undermining for you to challenge this behaviour there and then.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 14/07/2019 18:11

I had a jokey dad who would say stuff like that. It damaged our relationship for a really long time. It was only as an adult that he finally managed to say something sincere to me (whilst drunk), and he was really shocked to hear that I had no clue that he recognised any of my achievements. Even his wedding speech was a bunch of jokes at my expense, with nothing actually nice being said.

He’s going to push her away. Children need to hear things in black and white. They need to be told. He is letting her down

Hadalifeonce · 14/07/2019 18:15

I think he is being mean and should tell her that he loves her.

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Rtmhwales · 14/07/2019 18:15

Who says that to their child?
Especially after you'd already pointed out she was having concerns and sensitive to the issue.

YANBU and your DH should have a one to one talk with DD and apologise for acting like an arse.

Bunnybigears · 14/07/2019 18:16

My dad used to constantly 'joke' thay I was adopted because I didnt look like most of my family. I did not find it funny and it actually had quite a big impact on my behaviour as a teen.

PineappleSeahorse · 14/07/2019 18:17

He's a twat. Poor kid.

Soola · 14/07/2019 18:17

Children don’t always get jokes and are sensitive to thoughtless comments.

Your husband is being immature.

TheInvestigator · 14/07/2019 18:18

I had this dad. Our relationship just never got on track because he would never stop and if I ever got upset at his constant jibes, he would kick off and be really angry.
He is now doing it with my kids, and its the same pattern over again. They don't enjoy being alone with him because he won't stop his stupid jokes even when it's serious time or when one of them is tired or whatever. He just thinks it's funny.

Original poster
BiscuitDrama · 14/07/2019 18:19

Oh. Thanks for replying everyone. I thought I was being madly perfect parent in expecting this stuff.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 14/07/2019 18:20

Your poor daughter Sad

RandomMess · 14/07/2019 18:22

Ours are all teens now, at this age we can and do joke about x being my favourite.

At 10 no way and if we had ever heard a comment like your DD has said then both of us would have used lots of positive affirmation to overcome it.

Your poor DD Sad

Didiusfalco · 14/07/2019 18:24

It’s only a joke if it’s funny. Did she laugh? No. It’s not a joke. He’s being a dick.

user1493413286 · 14/07/2019 18:25

Seeing as he knows that she already feels that way it wasn’t a kind thing to say at all and quite stupid

Chloemol · 14/07/2019 18:29

You need to show him this post to see what’s likely to happen to their relationship when she’s older if he doesn’t start to grow up and act like the parent he is supposed to be, and reassure her that he dies live her as much as the others

PCohle · 14/07/2019 18:31

Ridiculing a child's insecurities isn't particularly constructive. It's only funny if everyone finds it funny.

LL83 · 14/07/2019 18:31

A joke like that may be ok for a very secure child. Not one who has just admitted she feels dad doesn't like her.

Dh probably thought it was light hearted but he has been stupid and needs to work on showing dh he likes her and making her believe it.

Now with hindsight what does he feel about comment?

Teddybear45 · 14/07/2019 18:33

He’s a bully. Maybe encourage your kids to ‘joke’ back at him and point out his flaws; lets see how he likes it

Absolutepowercorrupts · 14/07/2019 18:36

I hate it when a person makes a cruel comment and then says 'I was only joking' it's not funny at all to tell a 10 year old child that they're not liked.
Your poor daughter, in her eyes her Dad has confirmed that he doesn't like her. What an absolute insensitive twat.

Coyoacan · 14/07/2019 18:39

If he is taking her out tonight, ask him to talk the opportunity to say something lovely to her.

RedPandaFluff · 14/07/2019 18:43

Kids can be really sensitive - much more than we think. I remember my dad telling me that my bum looked big because the rest of me was so skinny.

Cue a lifelong hatred of my body with particular focus on my backside 😔

He probably wouldn't even remember saying it, and yet it devastated me.

AbbyHammond · 14/07/2019 18:48

Picking up a child's vulnerabilities, that he already knows about it, isn't 'joking' Hmm

When was his response to her clearly being devastated by his hilarious comments?

DinosApple · 14/07/2019 18:55

Your DH is being a dick.

I don't go with the united front in front of the DC thing. If we say something the other disagrees with, we resolve it there and then.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 14/07/2019 19:31

I think it should be pointed out to your DH that the relationship between a father and daughter forms part of the model for her future relationships. If her father treats her with respect, love and care then that’s what she’ll be looking for in her romantic relationships. What he’s doing now is training her to expect to be treated cruelly and carelessly, he’s setting her up to be an easy target for some abusive bastard because she won’t believe that she’s worth better.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2019 19:34

What sort of person keeps up the "joke" when they see their child so deflated ?

You are massively under reacting to this. I would be going nuclear.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 14/07/2019 19:39

Horrible thing to say to a child. She can't process badinage and peppy jokiness at that age. She needed her dad to say of course I love you.