DH and ‘I thought it was obvious’. Is it?

[BiscuitDrama]

DH does this all the time.

Tonight at dinner, eldest DD, 10 says she thinks DH doesn’t like her as much as the other children. (I have told DH recently that she thinks this as I overheard her telling sibling.) DH says in a slightly jokey way ‘that’s true. In fact the only reason I’m taking you to xx tonight is because you’re the only one technically allowed to go’ (this is true). DD puts head on table and hides in her arms.

I say to DH he needs to tell her he does care about her.

He then says he thought it was obvious he doesn’t not like her because he was joking.

So while I can see I shouldn’t undermine him in front of the children, and yes, was then only joking, but with something that’s a really big deal, it’s nice to hear the actual words. I mean it would have been good for him to actually say ‘I love you as much as the others’.

This happens all the time.
I might be massively over sensitive though?

Are we just totally mismatched?

Good point, SGB. Glad you said it. I was trying to think of a way to say similar.

It was a joke and not cruelty. Being dramatic and calling it cruelty does not make it so. The father was teasing his daughter. His motive is clearly not about being cruel.

It is cruel when he has already been told that his daughter feels that she is unloved.

Calling it teasing, Lifeandjoy, doesn’t “make it so.”

^teasing
/ˈtiːzɪŋ/
Learn to pronounce
adjective
intended to provoke or make fun of someone in a playful way.^

intended to provoke or make fun of...

Doesn’t matter whether it was playful or not.

His motive is clearly not about being cruel.
Maybe not, but the impact it has on the child is negative. She was clearly upset.
She has stated she feels unloved,she needs to feel her fathers love, not that her feelings are irrelevant.

I think it should be pointed out to your DH that the relationship between a father and daughter forms part of the model for her future relationships. If her father treats her with respect, love and care then that’s what she’ll be looking for in her romantic relationships. What he’s doing now is training her to expect to be treated cruelly and carelessly, he’s setting her up to be an easy target for some abusive bastard because she won’t believe that she’s worth better.

Perfectly put

Your DH isn't dear at all. He is an absolute tool. I couldn't be in the same room as someone so unkind and insensitive, let alone be married to him

If he never tells her he loves her , that his feels are the same for her as the other children then it is cruel and very damaging.

If he does tell her he loves her and shows she is equal then the odd tease but aimed at all your children equally is fine.

My H would say to ours things like 'I dislike you all equally' if one said another was a favourite. But it was said in a very obvious jokey way. he would joke like this to all of them as a group not individually. So they would all tease him back as group and have a laugh about it.

Or his other favourite line is 'your my favourite son/daughter'. We have one of each. Again this was said very obviously at what he meant and would end up as a jokey banter.

They still refer to his silly lines as adults in a fond way.

There's a fine line between getting it right and getting it very wrong.

Did you speak to him OP?