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Original poster

DH and ‘I thought it was obvious’. Is it?

109 replies

BiscuitDrama · 14/07/2019 18:07

DH does this all the time.

Tonight at dinner, eldest DD, 10 says she thinks DH doesn’t like her as much as the other children. (I have told DH recently that she thinks this as I overheard her telling sibling.) DH says in a slightly jokey way ‘that’s true. In fact the only reason I’m taking you to xx tonight is because you’re the only one technically allowed to go’ (this is true). DD puts head on table and hides in her arms.

I say to DH he needs to tell her he does care about her.

He then says he thought it was obvious he doesn’t not like her because he was joking.

So while I can see I shouldn’t undermine him in front of the children, and yes, was then only joking, but with something that’s a really big deal, it’s nice to hear the actual words. I mean it would have been good for him to actually say ‘I love you as much as the others’.

This happens all the time.
I might be massively over sensitive though?

Are we just totally mismatched?

OP posts:
Justsaynonow · 15/07/2019 01:37

*oops, that first dd should have been dd1. wish there was an edit function

Topseyt · 15/07/2019 02:04

Why shouldn't you undermine him if he thinks such damaging behaviour towards a child is a joke?

Why do people think that putting on a united front to the children must happen come what may, even when the other party is totally in the wrong? I've never subscribed to that way of thinking.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/07/2019 02:13

It’s only a joke if everyone is laughing. Otherwise it’s cruel teasing

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/07/2019 02:15

He is a total dick.
Kids who only hear "jokes" all the time like that without any positive input to offset it are NOT able to understand that it's a "joke" (sick one, mind) - they just believe it.

Hope he learns the error of his ways before it's too late.

Ihuntmonsters · 15/07/2019 02:24

My dh and dd tease/josh with each other all the time and I sometimes do worry a bit that one of them might go too far and they might hurt each other's feelings. However they are very close, I think that the bantering developed quite a way into dd's teens and dd very definitely has the upper hand in their exchanges. You have to be very careful with this type of interaction, it's not a game to play unless you are very sure that there is a really strong emotional security where the love is pretty much unconditional. Plus comments should only ever be on the silly side - picking on people's insecurities isn't fun it's nasty.

ThereAreNoDiamondsInTheMine · 15/07/2019 02:29

It's really important, OP, that you take these responses seriously. My upbringing was cruel in many ways but my dad used to do this.

The result? I didn't ever really have a relationship with him. He didn't feel a safe person that I could go to or trust with my feelings. And I haven't been able to trust anyone else with them either. People don't feel safe to me.

My dad didn't tell me that he loved me and used to make dismissive jokes like this.

My mother used to mock me and 'joke' as part of a pattern of emotional abuse generally.

The result it that I have cripplingly low self esteem when it comes to my relationships with others. I've never had a successful relationship and, in my mid 40s, have decided to remain single. I can't afford the type of therapy I would need, for the duration that I'd need it, in order to repair the damage that my parents chose to do to me. The damage my parents caused to me is very deep.

Children don't work in the same way as adults - they learn about themselves from the feedback they receive about themselves from their parents. Their sense of self is determined by that feedback.

Your daughter is learning that her parents don't care about her feelings or her emotional well being. She is learning that she doesn't count. She is learning that she is unloveable. The relationship she has with her parents is her relationship blueprint for the rest of her life. Her blueprint is currently very, very wrong. And you are complicit in this.

UniversalAunt · 15/07/2019 03:04

You are not undermining him, you are challenging his poor & corrosive behaviours towards your DD.

This is something your DC need to see you their mother do so that they see trust & respect for themselves in their own home.

This happens all the time?
Er, why when it is upsetting yr DC?

Yes, perhaps there is a mismatch here & it is your DC’s father.

ThereAreNoDiamondsInTheMine · 15/07/2019 03:22

The bottom line is that, whether your husband intends it to be or not, your daughter is experiencing an emotionally neglectful childhood.

And, if you want to see what her future life has in store for her, there is plenty out there if you google it.

You see the problem as being your husband. She experiences the problem as being both of you. He might be the one saying the things but she will interpret your silence on it as agreement. She needs you to challenge this and put it right for her.

Her life will be miserable otherwise.

SummerSix · 15/07/2019 07:20

Tell him he is being am ass and if he loves his daughter, bloody show her. She also needs you to stick up for her or soon she will think the same of you. 10 is a complicated age now and full of hormones

SolitudeAtAltitude · 15/07/2019 07:25

Pulling up a partner on an unfunny joke is not "undermining"

It is actually really important to say things like "well, if this is a joke it's not a good one, as nobody is laughing!"

Are you afraid to go against your DH? How would he have reacted if you'd spoken up?

MsDogLady · 15/07/2019 07:26

DD was brave enough to share her feelings. Her father then reinforced her fear that she is less than to him. He knew that she was vulnerable, yet he twisted the knife with his totally inappropriate ‘joking.’ It’s no wonder she felt rejected.

DD needs overt reassurance that she is valued by both of you. You need to protect her and challenge your husband in no uncertain terms. When he rejects her and dismisses her feelings, he is sabotaging her self-esteem and future relationships. Do not tolerate it.

Your concern about ‘undermining’ your husband makes me wonder if you avoid conflict with him. Does he react inappropriately when you have issues?

QueenBeee · 15/07/2019 07:32

Does he have a sister who was the favoured one in his childhood. And replaying the banter?
Does he have a parent who put him down jokingly?
Is DD going through puberty and he is scared about her future or unsure how to treat her as she is no longer a small child?

ReanimatedSGB · 15/07/2019 08:20

And annother vote for never being afraid to undermine another adult. Publicly smacking down an adult who is being unkind to DC is far better for the DC and shows them that adults can be trusted to back them up, and that adults who make mistakes can be corrected.

CellularBlanket · 15/07/2019 08:35

I don't disagree with PPs about their view of your family situation but the joking and teasing is not always a negative thing in every family. My dad and my uncles relentlessly teased me about everything and I knew it was a sign that they loved me and enjoyed my company. I felt real - not patronised - by the banter.

It was the same with my brothers and we have all carried that style on with our own kids who give as good as they get, (all now teens and young adults).

My kids know that they are loved, (they have said it), and my actions show it. It is never one size fits all.

But yes in OP's case her DD needs reassurance and a different approach. It might also be helpful to explain to her about the difference between words and actions as this is the crux of it. Does her dad spend time with her, support her, spend money on her, help her achieve what she wants to, listen to her etc?

Rhubarbisevil · 15/07/2019 08:39

How is your DD today?

howdyalikemenow · 15/07/2019 08:50

My family used to pull this shit with me too. I've ended up having to leave two abusive relationships. It has an effect.

My mum said, when FaceTiming me, 'ooh who's this ugly thing coming to talk to me?' When my 7 year old daughter came to join in the conversation. She was joking but I was furious with her and told her, in front of my daughter, never to speak to her like that again. It skewed my perception of myself growing up and I'm damned sure she's not going to do it to my daughter.

I hope your dd is ok Thanks

ohdearmymistake · 15/07/2019 10:56

Wow that's so sad that at 10 years old she has picked up that her dad doesn't like her that much and your fuckwit husband confirmed it to her, as she sees it.

Stupid stupid man.

Mmmmdanone · 15/07/2019 10:56

You absolutely should undermine him if he's being a dick. My dh is similar and it's dreadful to deal with but the children's feelings matter more than undermining him.

Lifeandjoy · 15/07/2019 11:11

I agree Cellularblanket. The OP will need to gauge what's best in this situation but teasing is not always a bad thing. There is room here to help your daughter build some resilience. Being over sensitive and not being able to laugh at ourselves or enjoy a friendly joke can undermine our ability to cope as adults. I'd be more worried about why your daughter thinks her father loves her less when in fact that isn't true. What has led her to develop this belief? It may not be anything you or your husband.

Wrapping kids in cotton wool isn't always the best approach.

I hope your husband reassures your daughter of his love but I do believe that this is just a plaster over a much deeper problem. Your daughter needs to build resilience.

Pinktinker · 15/07/2019 11:14

Sounds like a bully. Really mean and unnecessary, will only further perpetuate the belief she is the least popular child.

GabsAlot · 15/07/2019 11:57

Please speak up next time its not obvious to a ten yea year old they dont understand that sort of humour yet-youre not undermining him to tell him nt to say such things

BlueSkiesLies · 15/07/2019 12:08

That is NOT a fully joke. You can only joke about things like that when both parties are super secure in their relationship and happy!

Lifeandjoy · 15/07/2019 12:26

One can only joke if they believe the other is super secure in their relationship and happy?

Weezol · 15/07/2019 12:29

BlackAmericanoNoSugar is absolutely right.

Please back your daughter - 'undermining' is not the right word for this situation. He sounds like a bully. I'd lay money on this being a regular occurance in his interactions with you but you have become trained to accept it.

He sounds deeply patonising, arrogant and selfish.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/07/2019 14:00

Handy hint: you don't 'build resilience' by stepping up the cruelty to a child who is already anxious and unhappy. FFS.