DH and ‘I thought it was obvious’. Is it?

[BiscuitDrama]

DH does this all the time.

Tonight at dinner, eldest DD, 10 says she thinks DH doesn’t like her as much as the other children. (I have told DH recently that she thinks this as I overheard her telling sibling.) DH says in a slightly jokey way ‘that’s true. In fact the only reason I’m taking you to xx tonight is because you’re the only one technically allowed to go’ (this is true). DD puts head on table and hides in her arms.

I say to DH he needs to tell her he does care about her.

He then says he thought it was obvious he doesn’t not like her because he was joking.

So while I can see I shouldn’t undermine him in front of the children, and yes, was then only joking, but with something that’s a really big deal, it’s nice to hear the actual words. I mean it would have been good for him to actually say ‘I love you as much as the others’.

This happens all the time.
I might be massively over sensitive though?

Are we just totally mismatched?

That's horrible of him. Imagine being 10 and saying this to your father only to have him confirm it. That's what she will have heard, even though he said it's a joke. It's not a joke when no one is laughing. He needs to fix this with his daughter.

It’s not obvious at all
He’s being a right dick. I’d be having a massive go at him.

Is he her Dad or step Dad?
He should be trying to reassure your insecurities , not take the piss out of them

He’s her dad.

I bet he would hate it if you all did the equivalent to him.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar Exactly. Can't add to this.

Wow that was really sad to read. Your DH sounds very repressed and emotionally illiterate. Poor girl :(

He sounds like he's uncomfortable with being authentic about his feelings and is using 'banter' to mask it which is really immature and not good enough for your daughter. That would really annoy me.

This was my dad. I rarely speak to him now unless I have to, and I'm still too sensitive apparently 🙄

He was extremely hurtful and he has some connections missing in his brain not to see that.
He needs to stop ‘joking’ NOW.

Sounds like an emotionally stunted fuckwit.

Your poor DD. Your twat of a DH was being cruel.

DH does this all the time.

So did my father. He said things like this to me all the time. He said things like this to my much younger DSis all the time. Last year, he finally admitted he could have been a better father to us and he regretted the things he said. Too late. The damage is done and it can't be undone.

Your DD is ten, for heaven's sake. Your DH is not. For the sake of your lovely lovely daughter, please tell your DH to grow up.

I have explained to my DH that if he doesn’t stop putting one before the other then she will do exactly what I did. I moved out at 16 and never looked back. It was actually my mother that I cut contact with, but I don’t know when or how she died, or where she is buried because it’s not important.

Ask your DH if he will want her to keep in touch after she moves out, and why the fuck he thinks she would bother.

BlackAmericanNoSugar that should be printed out and handed to every new father as they leave the maternity ward.

Very tactless and cruel of him. I expect he though he was being hilarious.
It will make your DD dependent on his goodwill too, and overeager to please. And that could affect her future relationships. Make sure he realises this.

@viques seconded

Your husband seems to be emotionally defunct. Is he one of those types unable to read a situation? Is he emotionally stunted? Lacking in empathy?

I would call him out on this publicly in front of the dcs - my dh can be sarcastic and deadpan which goes over the kids heads. So I pull him up on it every time.

while I can see I shouldn’t undermine him in front of the children, and yes, was then only joking, but with something that’s a really big deal, it’s nice to hear the actual words

Actually you're wrong here. It would be perfectly fine to speak up in this instance. "Don't be so mean, DH. DD, of course your dad loves you, he's just trying and failing to be funny."

This is one of those instances where "undermining" someone is the right thing to do

Unless you are wary of incurring his displeasure ?

I'm not sure; this sort of banter was common in my family when we were growing up. I don't think I am damaged by it.

Loads of abusive people say, "I love you, I love you," words are cheap; its actions that count.

I frequently tell my lot they are a millstone and I only like their dad. I do occasionally tell them I love them too, but in our family we are more about deeds than words.

I frequently tell my lot they are a millstone and I only like their dad. I do occasionally tell them I love them too, but in our family we are more about deeds than words

Ask your children what they think!

Some kids can take banter, others can’t. However, as did said she felt less loved, then dh shouldn’t have jokily re-I forced this view.

My stbxh did this a lot, especially as the DC got into teen years. Damaged their self esteem, and when I started really putting my foot down it all culminated in him attacking me.

His "jokes" were part of a pattern of behaviour of coercive control. I'm not saying you have the same issues at play here, but I personally wish I'd been able to recognise the signs sooner.