DH smashed DS's phone

[thiscountryfan]

So yesterday I walked in to the mother of all rows between DH and DS (14).

DS was screaming and raging at DH for stamping on his phone and more than likely fatally damaging it. According to DH, he had discovered DS had been stealing his beers (not for the 1st time), then lied about it, then smirked in DH's face when busted. DH just lost his shit at that point and grabbed the phone (possibly the only item that DS cares about).

DH has since apologised to DS and accepts
It wasn't his finest hour but point blank refuses to pay for replacement/repair - saying he is sick of DS's selfish rude attitude of late and that he needs to learn a lesson.

I'm torn. I certainly don't agree with what DH did (and he knows it) but quite frankly DS has been so utterly horrendous and perhaps needs to
Understand that parents are human too.

Actually considering the replies, I see now the solution to my dd taking my clothes was to not have any clothes in the house so as to remove temptation.

According to mum they have told him not to take things and he doesn't care and just takes it.

So yes they have tried talking to him...

It was the equivalent of food, not personal items like clothes.

Not necessarily. I've had alcohol bought as a gift, or even nice chocolates. I would consider those mine (I would share them of course but I would be upset if I went to eat or drink them and there was none left).

I still want to know what should have happened, instead of a phone being thrown..

It was stamped on. Stop trying to fucking minimise.

Enlighten me. ..

I don't think that's possible.

No come on.

You must know how to make moody teen behave .
Or is it that you are no better equipped to manage than the OP.

@mummmy2017

Goady Fucker.

So yes they have tried talking to him...

Talk to him again. And again. And again. And again. Keep calm. Treat him like a human being who is part of their family rather than some pest who has to be squashed at any sign of rebellion. Be on his team!

OP says he plays the game till he gets his phone back then reverts, so it is not that he can't, but that he doesn't want to.

I still want to know what should have happened, instead of a phone being thrown..
Enlighten me. ..

Also you’re still treating this as the husbands intended outcome. It wasn’t. He lost his temper and he became violent. He wasn’t rationally thinking ‘this will work’ he was thinking ‘I will destroy something he loves to hurt him’.

Pumperthepumper I am asking what you think the husband should do next time he catches his son taking something and lying about it to his face and smirking at him.

I really do think there will be a next time and want to know what can be done differently....

I suppose he could say your grounded for a week go to your room, but how do you enforce that if both parents are out and it is the summer holidays.

Is there a time machine available to go back and start again building a mutually respectful and loving relationship?

Treat him like a human being who is part of their family rather than some pest who has to be squashed at any sign of rebellion.

He's not really acting like a member of their family though is he?

Also, talking and talking and talking is all well and good but in the real world at some point he will meet a brick wall. He won't be given endless chances and endless amounts of talking. He will be expected to do as he is told and if he doesn't the consequences might be severe.

My son is a teacher. He asked a 16 year old to stop doing something the other day. The 16 year old squared up to him, stood toe to toe with him and offered him out! It didn't end well for the boy because the school became that brick wall that wouldn't be argued with.

Is there a time machine available to go back and start again building a mutually respectful and loving relationship?

But how do you know what the relationship was like prior to this one incident? Sometimes kids from the best family setup get involved with the wrong crowd and it all goes horribly wrong. Not all off the rail kids come from unloving abusive families. Thus can't might have been loving and respectful until the son decided that he would become disrespectful.

My son is a teacher. He asked a 16 year old to stop doing something the other day. The 16 year old squared up to him, stood toe to toe with him and offered him out! It didn't end well for the boy because the school became that brick wall that wouldn't be argued with

So what are you saying? The school killed him? Beat him to a pulp? Or are you actually saying they talked a lot more and decided on an appropriate punishment like a temporary exclusion where no one got hurt?

Yes the school became a brick wall because they have to. A parent must become that same brick wall. No violence, no irrational behaviour , just fair and firm, honest and respectful.

No the school didn't do more talking. He was excluded.

And yes, the school weren't violent or irrational but maybe, had the boy had a parent who took a hard line earlier he wouldn't have learnt the lesson in such a harsh way.

Surely that's the point? As parents we try to teach our children and instill in them to follow rules and laws and to know right from wrong so that they don't make mistakes with huge consequences out in the real world?

Surely that's the point? As parents we try to teach our children and instill in them to follow rules and laws and to know right from wrong so that they don't make mistakes with huge consequences out in the real world?

Well yes; that's exactly it.

What part of smashing someones phone in anger does that?

And yes, the school weren't violent or irrational but maybe, had the boy had a parent who took a hard line earlier he wouldn't have learnt the lesson in such a harsh way

Or maybe he actually had a parent who did yake a harsh line, so has no idea how to resolve a conflict without squaring up. It is incredibly well documented that students with dysfunctional home lives are more likely to be excluded.

None of those things happened. He didn't punch the wall or kick the cat.

He did the exact equivalent.

You don't call it violence but it was done in anger, it involved physical force, it resulted in destruction and it was a display of physical power whose intention was to cause submission.

It was not a physical assault but it was an act of violence.

Decomposing

I have lost my temper.

I have never taken someone else's property or an item that I had given them and destroyed it while losing my temper.

This wasn't because no such items were available to me at the time.

You keep on trying to shove the violence aside and call this incident something else.

Shouting at the lad would have been loss of temper. Cursing, yelling, calling names - all loss of temper.

Taking the phone and smashing it - violence intended to show the boy who was the man.

mummmy2017 Wed 03-Jul-19 19:34:30

I think the people who have little people not teenagers have no idea what is heading your way.
These sweet easy to explain to little people turn over night into room monsters who peek out for food ...never let them take food upstairs by the way....with demands for things you can't afford and views that you ruined their life by not paying £2,500 for a week to New York...

Hahaha.

Mine are now aged 17, 21, 24, 26, and 29.
So plenty of experience under my belt, and plenty of evidence that establishing connections with your children instead of the model you propose works really well.

Decomposing
The OP said that they've removed it in the past but the boy kicks off until he gets it back.

If this is a one off in an otherwise loving, nurturing relationship then I think it's much better than a child raised in a family where no one cares enough to get upset about them going off the rails

Is this what you call a "loving, nurturing" parenting style then, Decomposing?
Being inconsistent wimps?

Put it together with the administering of beer and I get a picture of parents who have no idea how to parent, who instead of trying to be fair and consistent (it's hard work you know) let resentment fester until the DH exploded.

The OP and her H have indulged this child and are now angry that he has no respect for them.

Instead of a little reflection about what they might have done wrong and a plan to pull up their socks and parent properly they are now nicely dug in for a few years of trench warfare.

Shouting at the lad would have been loss of temper. Cursing, yelling, calling names - all loss of temper.

Why do you think these are less harmful? I actually think they can be more harmful, especially if they are repeated. I would rather be on the receiving end of a one of breaking of a phone than constant shouting, cursing, yelling and name calling.

Is that what you do when you lose your temper? I think that is abusive.

Being inconsistent wimps?

What are you talking about?

Maybe they should call him names, yell, shout and curse as you seem to think that's ok.