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Original poster

If you're an atheist, would you have a relationship with someone with a faith?

256 replies

IWantToBeLizzieNotCharlotte · 29/06/2019 16:53

I've just started using Bumble and there's an option to show if you're atheist/Christian/Jewish/agnostic.

A lot of men are atheist so I've assumed that it's a no-go. But it's really quite a lot of men. Am I being too picky? I wouldn't know if I met them in a bar if they were atheist Confused

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 17:12

“but wouldn't look down on someone for what they believe.“
Really? Whatever it is?

Toodleoopuddle · 01/07/2019 17:29

I like having friends from all backgrounds but I would draw the line with a partner. You just wouldn't be seeing life from the same perspective, surely?

Peachesandcream14 · 01/07/2019 17:31

I would say I'm spiritual rather than atheist but dislike organised patriarchal religion, and as a knee jerk reaction to the question I would say no, I wouldn't date someone religious - but I have friends who are Catholic, Protestant, Quaker, Muslim, Sikh and Hari Krishna and I love them all despite our differing views. As long as people aren't totally obsessed with their religion and it's more of a cultural heritage thing I think a relationship with a non believer could work, otherwise I think it's too fundamental a difference to overcome.

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BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 17:49

Yes- I have friends from many different faiths. But I think I would find it as difficult to be in an intimate relationship with someone of faith as I would with someone who had very different political views to mine, or very different views on child rearing.

H2OH20Everywhere · 01/07/2019 17:50

It depends on the person, and how open they are to compromise. DP and I are both atheist, but poles apart politically. He recently said that he deliberately doesn't discuss politics with me (which is fine with me, I have little interest in discussing it with anyone) and has never tried to sway my opinion. (I'd never have a hope in hell in changing his thoughts anyway!)

Despite being so strongly one way, he did offer to vote the other way for the Brexit vote if his son (who was out of the country at the time and DP wasn't sure if he'd thus get a vote) would vote that way, because, as DP said, his son's the next generation and his opinions in this are more important that his own.

I think the same is true for religion. If both parties are happy enough to have their own beliefs, and strong enough in them not to feel threatened, are willing not to try to force them on each other, or their children, and are happy to compromise where necessary than it can work. Saying that, I think I would be wary of dating someone with religious beliefs unless I knew them VERY well and was convinced they'd be happy to leave me in my atheism.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 18:05

Actually, I think it would be heartbreaking for a lot of people of faith to fall in love with an atheist. How awful it must be to have something you think of as wonderful and not be able to share it with some one you love. And imagine thinking all your life that they are going to hell and you’d spend eternity apart [disclaimer- I know not all PofF think like this]

dancingcamper · 01/07/2019 18:09

a great job of turning people away from atheism with your displays of kindness and tolerance

I find this a really interesting comment. I can be kind and tolerant to most members of society but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them.

I know some people can be in a relationship with someone of a different or no faith, but I would need those beliefs to align with mine. As I would with broad political opinions too.

dancingcamper · 01/07/2019 18:12

Going back to the OP, if you're looking for a partner I would suggest focusing in on the few people who would be really good matches for you is a better approach than trying to appeal broadly to lots of people.

Madhairday · 01/07/2019 18:31

BertrandRussell yes, I think it can be really hard for people with a very vibrant faith who have partners who are atheists - I have friends in this situation. Yet they make it work, because they love that person so much. But for me I would find it hard not to share that worldview - my dh is as passionate about faith as me and it does help. But I don't think that means it can never work.

I'd struggle to be in a relationship with someone who is Tory, or who isn't GC, or who doesn't respect my vegetarianism. Any big worldview clash would be difficult to deal with - I can also imagine it would be incredibly difficult for an atheist who suddenly embraces faith - it must feel like a betrayal in some senses. So I understand why atheists would not want to be with people of faith.

But it can and does work, sometimes - when the partners are prepared to be respectful of one another's views and not force theirs. When children are involved it must be particularly difficult, especially if one partner wants to take them to church and the other really hates the idea. But I know people who have made it work because of their commitment to one another and decision to honour one another.

Madhairday · 01/07/2019 18:33

That should say incredibly difficult for an atheist whose atheist partner suddenly embraces faith

ApricotExpat · 01/07/2019 18:35

A huge 'no'.

ErrolTheDragon · 01/07/2019 18:40

It's the 'bringing the child up in my faith' bit which is the crux for me. It can apply between people of different faiths (even different sects within the same faith) as much or even more vehemently than between a believer and an atheist. Personally I don't think I'd be very happy with someone who wanted to 'bring the child up as an atheist' either - I suppose some such exist but I've only actually ever come across atheists who are on the page of, provide children with education about religions, encourage them to think about things - and let them make up their own minds.

IWouldPreferNotTo · 01/07/2019 18:41

I'm an atheist married to a Catholic and I'm fine with our child being exposed to religion. I went to church and Sunday school for 15 years and it didn't do me any harm. It provided me with some useful trivia for pub quizes

Loopytiles · 01/07/2019 18:44

We don’t encourage DC to make up their own minds about dental hygiene, safety, food choices, how to treat other people, attending education. R

DC encounter religion presented as fact at school and even extra curriculars like brownie, in most schools in the the UK at least, so saying nothing and leaving the DC to “make up their own minds” isn’t a neutral option.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 19:10

“I'm an atheist married to a Catholic and I'm fine with our child being exposed to religion“

Presumably he’s not a very committed Catholic?

ZenNudist · 01/07/2019 19:13

Dh and I have different beliefs and I don't spend my life thinking hes going to hell. Then again I'm very ambivalent on hell. I think we will find out what happens when we die when we die. I choose to believe there is something not nothing.

Id like dh to have faith, but I'd also like him to get more sleep, eat better and exercise. I can't change him. He might like a wife who wants to do bog all on a Sunday and is a bit bemused by all the going to church. He isn't trying to change me either. It works ok.

Id still advise OP to choose a partner with faith if she believes. Easier to grow in faith and raise children that way.

ErrolTheDragon · 01/07/2019 19:16

I certainly don't advocate 'saying nothing', loopy - on the contrary, say quite a lot. It's talking essentially only about one religion or worldview which is objectionable imo.

53rdWay · 01/07/2019 19:26

Presumably he’s not a very committed Catholic?

Committed Catholics are still allowed to marry atheists, it's fine. As long as we enter into a secret pact to win their souls for Rome when they're not looking of course.

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 19:28

Of course Catholics are allowed to marry atheists! But, u less things have changed, both parties have to agree to bring the children up in the faith. Which seems to me to be more than them being “exposed” to religion.

Original poster
IWantToBeLizzieNotCharlotte · 01/07/2019 19:29

Thank you everyone for posting. Some really interesting points made.

I don't find this dating thing easy at all.

OP posts:
53rdWay · 01/07/2019 19:33

The Catholic parent agrees to bring the children up as Catholic, unless doing so might jeopardise the marriage, in which case the marriage is the priority. There's also a lot of room for variation in what being brought up Catholic means past baptism, and a lot of room for variation in what being 'exposed to religion' might mean; I could conceive of quite an overlap there.

lylole · 01/07/2019 21:07

It's the 'bringing the child up in my faith' bit which is the crux for me I immediately thought yeah - you're right and then I thought of the rest of it - dh and I both come from very different religious backgrounds - but we both rejected religion - he felt less traumatised by it than I did but when pushed he can resist very politely. I have one religious friend, we no longer discuss religion - I don't understand her belief system - she seems to follow the bits that suit her - surely if you believe you believe - I don't get the part-time pick and choose rules approach - it feel like there is no point..

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 01/07/2019 21:22

Presumably he’s not a very committed Catholic

What a presumption!

BertrandRussell · 01/07/2019 21:25

“What a presumption!“
A reasonable presumption- considering the poster said she didn’t mind her children being “exposed” to religion, rather than not minding them being baptised and brought up as Catholics...

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 01/07/2019 21:38

A very unreasonable presumption

It would have made a lot more sense clarifying what the poster meant rather than jumping to ‘ not a committed catholic’

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