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Original poster

Have I lost my best friend?

123 replies

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:40

S and I were very close for our 2 years in college. She was my best friend. We just got each other, we bantered with each other and no-one was closer than us in our friendship group of 4 girls. We went to separate universities. It has been 4 years since we left college.

I was invited to a meet up with this friendship group recently. (We have been meeting up approx twice a year since college). I wasn't invited by S, I was invited by another of the girls. It transpired that S initially was going to meet with just P (who she wasn't even close with at all?! It was literally just S and I who hung out together and were super close). S and P invited F and they had a group chat talking about the meet up with the 3 of them. So at this point, I was just forgotten about. F invited me on a separate chat between us 2, I wasn't added to the group chat. It honestly felt like I wasn't wanted at the meet up and F even said to another of our friends afterwards that she thinks that S and P don't like me which is why they didn't invite me.

This is a message from S in response to me asking what happened between us. "College was great and I completely agree, we were really close. I think for me, I’ve definitely changed in the four years since finishing college. Probably a lot of it comes from moving away from home and being at uni. I don’t know.. maybe that’s why things aren’t the same as college but we’re still friends though. With the last meet up, I think that might have come across way worse than it was meant to. I was just initially meeting up with P and then it just expanded from there. Tbh I didn’t think we had to meet up as a group all the time, I thought it was chill if it was just one on one. It was never anything malicious like not wanting people there. Just wanted to say I’m definitely not upset or anything with you - you haven’t done anything wrong. For me, we have definitely not fallen out I think it’s just a combination of busy lives and people changing that means it’s not the same as college but I don’t think that’s on bad terms or anything, it’s just different. hope you understand where I’m coming from xx"

This sounds so sad but I am on holiday and I haven't stopped thinking about S and our friendship. I don't know what to do now, I really want our friendship back and I don't know what happened. When we've met since college it's been awkward, we don't have the banter we used to have. S and I havent met individually since college. Should I ask her if she wants to go to lunch or something or should I just leave it? (The thought of just leaving it makes me so upset)

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 10:45

If it’s been 4 years since you last spent time together one-on-one and it’s been awkward when you have been together, I wouldn’t really say she’s your best friend anymore OP. I think her message was perfectly reasonable and pleasant, she seems to look at the situation in a sensible way - that sometimes things just move on.

Laurajjj · 27/06/2019 10:47

Times change and with that people change, I'm a massive believer of that.

I think from the length of the message and that she even did message you suggests that there is no major big deal issue going on. She still likes you. Yes suggest a meet up over lunch I say.

Personally I don't really see much of my best friend. Once or twice a year. We both gone in different directions. We've not fallen out. We still text and comment on each others fb so the bond is still there, and we get on famously and click instantly when we do meet up.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:48

@CarrieBlu I get that, she isn't anymore which is why I feel like I've lost my best friend. But I just don't understand what happened? How can we go from being so close, to nothing at all?

OP posts:
bringthethunder · 27/06/2019 10:49

I agree with @CarrieBlu - I can't understand why you would still consider this person to be your best friend if you haven't spent significant time with each other in 4 years. I admit that I would find it odd and perhaps a little stifling if they still had that view after so long. I think her response is very nice and perfectly reasonable. I think you should invest your energy in forming lasting friendships with people who are more local or on your wavelength x

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:57

@bringthethunder I don't consider her my best friend anymore which is why I'm saying I feel like I've lost my best friend. Do you think from her message she still wants to be friends, or not? Do you think the entire friendship is over now?

I feel like if we met up one on one as opposed to in a group it might be a lot better in terms of there not being any awkwardness after a while

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newmomof1 · 27/06/2019 10:59

She clearly does still want to be friends but she's got her own life now - it's not going to be like it was.
You do sound a bit needy though OP, if I'm completely honest.
Do you have other friends aside from the people you went to college with?

bringthethunder · 27/06/2019 11:00

@pinkarmchair I definitely don't see anything in her message to suggest she doesn't want to be friends anymore, but I would assume it will be something that has more relevance in a group setting as opposed to the two of you arranging things together alone as she has mentioned that the friendship is now "different"

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 11:02

She hasn't suggested meeting up. I think you need to let things lie, be pleasant when you meet up with others, but really accept that things have changed. Sorry op. This is pretty common I think. Don't take it personally.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 11:05

@newmomof1 I only made 2 friends at uni as I met DP there.. so my friend circle is tiny really. Probably why I am so desperate to keep the friends I have/had.

OP posts:
LinoleumBlownapart · 27/06/2019 11:10

She's moved on, she sounds like she wants to step away from her past and you're part of that. It's very sad and it often happens. Some people are not as happy as they seem in the outside, sometimes they just want to forget parts of their lives of close chapters that they feel are not part of them or that they want to forget.
It's sad, many people mourn the loss of friendship. But it happens and I don't think it's you. The others (F and P) are more autonomous. You are a m massive part of something that for one reason or another she needs to move away from.

separatebeds · 27/06/2019 11:10

I think she has moved on, possibly got a wider group of friends and is not hanging on this previous friendship as much as you are.

You have made your feelings clear, she has responded in a kind way. You need to back off now and leave the ball in her court. If she wants to meet up with you she will contact you.

Get busy with other people. You may find that in another 4 years your friendship gets stronger again.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 11:12

She still wants to be friends with our friendship group as she recently initiated asking how we all were on our group chat

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Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 11:13

It's very sad, we were both studious, homely girls and she seems to want to become a 'popular' person and go into those kind of friendships

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 27/06/2019 11:21

we were both studious, homely girls and she seems to want to become a 'popular' person and go into those kind of friendships

You're trying to keep her as she was. She's not that person anymore. She has changed. Whether you think that's for the better or worse is immaterial. She doesn't WANT to be the person she was anymore. I can see why she has let the friendship go.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 11:34

@HypatiaCade wanting to be popular doesn't mean you just get rid of your old friends... then come running back to us when she moved back home (she started messaging our group when she came home)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 12:17

Bump for more advice

OP posts:
alt168 · 27/06/2019 12:34

then come running back to us when she moved back home

That's totally in line with what she's saying though. She feels you're friends but not best/close friends. She hasn't moved home and expected a really close friendship, picking up right where you left off four years ago, has she? You're casual friends she likes to see once in a while for a catch up when it suits and messaging for a catch up when she was living nearby again is totally in line with that.

MindyStClaire · 27/06/2019 12:42

I think it's normal for a friendship to change when you go from seeing each other every day to being in different locations. And I know 2 years is a long time at the time, but it's not always long enough to bed in a proper, for life, regardless of anything else best friendship. If that makes any sense.

I thought her message was lovely - she still likes you and doesn't want you feeling down about it, but for her the friendship has drifted a bit. She still wants to stay in touch and have the odd meet up, but for her you're just not that closest friend any more.

Be very careful of judging her - your post about her wanting to be popular and have "those kinds of friendships" is edging on being a bit nasty. It's ok if she's not completely the same as you.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 12:59

I've never really experienced this before and I can't understand WHY we can't be close friends again. Yes, we both went off to uni but we promised we'd be best friends for life and it's just completely not like that anymore. I'd be fine not meeting up as much if she still wanted to try and get our closeness back which I'm sure it would

OP posts:
saraclara · 27/06/2019 13:07

Friendship promises made at uni are never going to last. Uni brings people together in a fairly artificial way. You live together, play together, study together...it's like having a temporary family. And you're all way too young and inexperienced to be awre of what's ahead.

Of course you make new friends when you leave and move away/home. And there's no way that closeness can continue, or best friends remain 'best' (or at least not for 99% of people)

I get that you're sad, but you can't reasonably expect that she's spent those years not making new friends and a new 'best' friend. It sounds like she's blossomed a bit and become more social. That's a good thing. Don't go judging her for that.

I think her reply to you is lovely. So just continue catching up with her occasionally, but don't expect too much from her or be too needy. Otherwise you'll lose her from your life completely.

Also maybe join a meetup group and get to know some more people?

QforCucumber · 27/06/2019 13:14

No offence but you should rather needy, you're holding on to this thing which is already 4 years past - she has moved on and probably expects you would have created your own life too. I have different groups of friends from different parts of life - school, Uni, old jobs, it's fine. I think her message to you was worded perfectly - shes saying she has no issue but has also created a life outside of just you and her, that is a good thing.

QforCucumber · 27/06/2019 13:14

*sound

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 13:16

@saraclara completely expect each other to have made new friends (I have made a couple) but not for our closeness to completely go with no warning? She's not making/hasn't made any effort over these years to at least be good friends. She was happy to meet up with P alone but didn't ask me which no-one has touched on - S and I were 100% closer - P and S barely spoke - and anyone can tell you that. So that makes me think there's more to the situation than she's letting on?

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saraclara · 27/06/2019 13:35

You're overthinking this. You really are. She doesn't have to think less of you, to have other friends that she's become closer to.

The very real danger here is that you come across as needy, and she starts to avoid you. I'm going to come clean here and say that when I was young, I did the same thing you're doing now. Convincing myself that I'd done something wrong and could somehow get back to 'best friend' status with someone who had found another friend who I convinced myself she liked better. But of course it ended up with the friend resenting my neediness, and instead of continuing to be good friends with both of us, she started avoiding me and DID become closer to the oter friend. I was totally the architect of what I feared most, which was really stupid of me. Really, don't do that.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 13:36

I feel needy to be honest. I do have a need for friends, not including the college girls I have 4 friends (at a push. 3 I talk to reasonably regularly).

I was relying on our college friendships continuing and I wish it was possible to have them all in my life again.

Is suggesting lunch such a bad idea?

OP posts: