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Original poster

Have I lost my best friend?

123 replies

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:40

S and I were very close for our 2 years in college. She was my best friend. We just got each other, we bantered with each other and no-one was closer than us in our friendship group of 4 girls. We went to separate universities. It has been 4 years since we left college.

I was invited to a meet up with this friendship group recently. (We have been meeting up approx twice a year since college). I wasn't invited by S, I was invited by another of the girls. It transpired that S initially was going to meet with just P (who she wasn't even close with at all?! It was literally just S and I who hung out together and were super close). S and P invited F and they had a group chat talking about the meet up with the 3 of them. So at this point, I was just forgotten about. F invited me on a separate chat between us 2, I wasn't added to the group chat. It honestly felt like I wasn't wanted at the meet up and F even said to another of our friends afterwards that she thinks that S and P don't like me which is why they didn't invite me.

This is a message from S in response to me asking what happened between us. "College was great and I completely agree, we were really close. I think for me, I’ve definitely changed in the four years since finishing college. Probably a lot of it comes from moving away from home and being at uni. I don’t know.. maybe that’s why things aren’t the same as college but we’re still friends though. With the last meet up, I think that might have come across way worse than it was meant to. I was just initially meeting up with P and then it just expanded from there. Tbh I didn’t think we had to meet up as a group all the time, I thought it was chill if it was just one on one. It was never anything malicious like not wanting people there. Just wanted to say I’m definitely not upset or anything with you - you haven’t done anything wrong. For me, we have definitely not fallen out I think it’s just a combination of busy lives and people changing that means it’s not the same as college but I don’t think that’s on bad terms or anything, it’s just different. hope you understand where I’m coming from xx"

This sounds so sad but I am on holiday and I haven't stopped thinking about S and our friendship. I don't know what to do now, I really want our friendship back and I don't know what happened. When we've met since college it's been awkward, we don't have the banter we used to have. S and I havent met individually since college. Should I ask her if she wants to go to lunch or something or should I just leave it? (The thought of just leaving it makes me so upset)

OP posts:

PotolBabu · 27/06/2019 13:38

OP people have been kind to you because you sound very vulnerable. By your own admission you have very few friends. Can I take from this that the ebbing and flowing of friendships is not something you are used to?
She has said what she wanted to say clearly. She has moved on, and I assume she assumed you had done the same. You can be best friends if that’s what both of you wanted but it sounds like she would like to be good friends but not best friends and that’s okay, isn’t it?
You seem really thrown by a change in friendship with someone whom you haven’t seen in four years.

PotolBabu · 27/06/2019 13:39

You can suggest lunch. But friendships are not a zero sum game. She can be close friends with P now (maybe they have more in common now) and still be good friends with you.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 13:43

S doesn't know how needy I'm being, I've literally only messaged her once recently to which she replied with the message in her opening. My message was (just the main bits):

"During college, we were close. At the time id have classed you as one of my best friends. You were definitely the person I was closest to in college.

After college, we drifted apart, which is to be expected with going to different unis in different cities. But we drifted more than I would have expected, I thought I'd made a lifelong close friend in you who even if we didn't speak much when we did it would be like nothing had changed"

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 13:47

@PotolBabu I've lost 2 extremely close friends before (there was a major fall out there though), so having it happen again where there is no clear reason is really affecting me badly.

I don't even think she wants to be good friends. We are just acquaintances at this point :(

I have seen S a couple of times a year every year since leaving college, but as a group

OP posts:

sneakypinky · 27/06/2019 13:51

Coming at it from a different perspective, I stepped away from one of my oldest and best friends a few years ago.

I didn't enjoy her company as much any more the way I used to, and we have both changed hugely, in very different directions. I still care about her and wish her well, nothing against her at all, but we just didn't have as much to say to each other anymore, and the links that we had had faded. I wanted to let go of my past, and she desperately wanted to cling to it and talk about it.

It just wasn't a positive friendship anymore, and I felt as though I couldn't talk about the things that were important to me in my life without upsetting or offending her, as we had gone in such opposing directions.

NauseousMum · 27/06/2019 14:06

It sounds like you both went your seperate ways and she's made more friends who she sees as closer. At least she was honest and told you that. Things change over time, you won't get back the closeness because she's a different person now and you probably seem that way to her too.

Focus on finding other friends. S is still friendly but no longer a close friend and there's not much you can fo about it. Neither of you owes the other anything but the honesty was good to have.

HypatiaCade · 27/06/2019 14:13

What do you mean, no clear reason? LIFE is the reason. You work, you meet new people, your character develops, your values change. This is what is supposed to happen when you leave university. Some friendships survive it, some don't. But they will, without fail, be altered, because the people themselves are altered.

You can't go back in time. If you don't give her the space she wants, you will lose her entirely. You need to focus on broadening your own friendship group, find new interests, and develop your own character. Something has gone terribly wrong somewhere, if you can't understand this.

HypatiaCade · 27/06/2019 14:15

Oh and the reason why S and P might have been planning on meeting up alone is that SINCE university, they have more shared interests, or just clicked that bit more. That can, and does, happen.

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 14:21

How can we go from being so close, to nothing at all?

Op you've answered this question yourself. She went to a different uni and you've met up in a group a few times since then. It's not possible to maintain a close relationship with someone who you don't see regularly.

This happens to everyone. People change jobs, move areas or have children and things just change. It's perfectly normal and you have to accept it. Also everybody's idea of friendship is different. Some people need close friends and others are ok with casual acquaintances, this changes too over time.

OneThreadOnly0101 · 27/06/2019 14:22

OP, the more you post...

She is allowed to move on and make new friends. You don't have the same things in common any more and that's OK. It doesn't make her a bad person, even if it is sad for you.

You can't force the bond to return purely by spending time with each other. I had fantastic friends in my childhood who I'm no longer in touch with. We had some great times together but if we met up now, we probably wouldn't click in the same way at all.

I'd concentrate on creating opportunities to meet new people rather than clinging to the past.

Her message to you was very reasonable and very polite. I'm not sure what else you want from her.

Soola · 27/06/2019 14:27

Sorry but I think she is put off my your neediness and feels awkward that she doesn’t like you as much as you like her.

sneakypinky · 27/06/2019 14:31

but we promised we'd be best friends for life

That's not how friendship works i'm afraid. That's the kind of agreement you make when you're off your tits at a uni club night.

Soola · 27/06/2019 14:35

but we promised we'd be best friends for life

She has matured into a woman with different friends, different interests etc.

You seem to be stuck in an immature fantasy where friendships do not evolve and/or move on.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 14:37

I'm giving her plenty of space, we've not messaged individually since the new year.

Do you think I should just leave it and totally not message? Wouldn't that be completely eradicating our friendship

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 14:39

Yes I'm showing my true feelings here, but how have I been needy to her?

OP posts:

Soola · 27/06/2019 14:39

You are also coming across as sounding possessive of her.

She might not have minded when you were young but she’s an adult she can pick and choose who she spends her time with and clearly you do no longer hold the same high interest.

I think she’s being terribly polite and understanding in her message but also feels that you could be quite stalkerish with your affections for her so has worded it so as not to upset you too much.

Frownette · 27/06/2019 14:42

You sound quite intense...definitely try to arrange lunch/coffee but don't emotionally bombard her and try to relax and enjoy it

RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 14:43

Pinkarmchair I've never really experienced this before and I can't understand WHY we can't be close friends again. Yes, we both went off to uni but we promised we'd be best friends for life and it's just completely not like that anymore. I'd be fine not meeting up as much if she still wanted to try and get our closeness back which I'm sure it would

This sums up your problem, you had known each other for two years and were young and immature hence the 'best friends for life' trope. One of you has grown up and moved on with life and it's not you. Your friend has been honest with you she does not want or need the same kind of relationship she had with you in college, she still wishes to be friends but not at that level.

Your closeness didn't go without warning, you went to separate universities and lived different lives for four years. Your insecurity and neediness will destroy any vestiges of friendship if you carry on like this.

Accept that your relationship is now different and it is likely to further develop and change as time passes.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/06/2019 14:49

You presumably said something to F which was related to S and P, and if they have a group chat it may have been discussed. Prompting S to send a polite acknowledging how you felt excluded but you’ll have also most likely come across as slightly needy when talking to F.

Honestly, people change and unless both of you want to maintain friendships then it can stagnate. I honestly only speak regularly to 3 friends from College, I’ll meet up with others but they’ve all stayed in the same town and not travelled or had much similar career aspirations as me. The 3 I’m close with have shared my ambitions to travel and enjoy life rather than staying in one place for my entire life. I do like them still, but conversation becomes stilted and I feel like anything I say could be bragging.... so I don’t meet up individually anymore with the wider group.

She hasn’t suggested lunch, and I don’t think she minds meeting you in a group but she probably doesn’t want that close relationship you seem to crave. Can you focus on developing better friends? Work or hobby are usually the best opportunities.

NauseousMum · 27/06/2019 14:49

You were close before because your situations promoted it. Saying you'll be friends for life means nothing as you never know how you or life will change.

I would reply just to say 'i understand. I agree we don't all have to meet up together. If you fancy a catch up let me know.'

Keep it simple. You can't really say anything else. You can ignore it but then in a group setting you may feel awkward. A short reply allows for that not to happen.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 27/06/2019 14:50

Aw, I'm sorry OP

I think too much time has passed now. It seems you met DP and have been busy at uni, and so has she, but you thought things would be the same when you met again. In the meantime, a long time has passed and you've grown apart.

Her response to your message is explaining that you are still friends but you're not as close as you were; you've grown apart and she doesn't want to become that close again. She's grown up and changed a lot.

Some friendships can take long periods apart or not talking much, and still feel the same, but most can't. Most take regular effort to keep the bond alive. It's just been too long.

Do you have a way of meeting new people? Can DP introduce you to people? I'd focus your attentions on making new friends, and not trying to fix this one, it sounds like it has settled into being loose friends and I'd leave it there.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 14:57

I completely understand what people are saying but I'm just finding it so hard. Physically, my life has changed a lot- I'm a young professional now. I have a DP of 3 years. Emotionally, I've always been the type of person to have a few close friends and I'm still the same now. It's very rare that I become close to someone and when I lose that, I mourn it.

I do need to try and make new friendships. It just hurts. The first place mumsnet generally tells you to look is reconnecting with old friends that that's what I've tried to do, but failed.

I just feel so so low.

OP posts:

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 14:58

I would reply just to say 'i understand. I agree we don't all have to meet up together. If you fancy a catch up let me know.'

The ball is then in her court.

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 15:01

Of course it hurts. But like romantic relationships, you'll eventually move on and forget her. That doesn't help at the moment though. Allow yourself to wallow for a while and mourn then pick yourself, dust yourself down and get out there. You never know you might find an even closer person who is on your wavelength now.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 15:02

@katewhinesalot it's so hard to forget her when she's still in my life just as a casual friend/acquaintance rather than the best friends we once were...

OP posts:

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