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Original poster

Have I lost my best friend?

123 replies

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:40

S and I were very close for our 2 years in college. She was my best friend. We just got each other, we bantered with each other and no-one was closer than us in our friendship group of 4 girls. We went to separate universities. It has been 4 years since we left college.

I was invited to a meet up with this friendship group recently. (We have been meeting up approx twice a year since college). I wasn't invited by S, I was invited by another of the girls. It transpired that S initially was going to meet with just P (who she wasn't even close with at all?! It was literally just S and I who hung out together and were super close). S and P invited F and they had a group chat talking about the meet up with the 3 of them. So at this point, I was just forgotten about. F invited me on a separate chat between us 2, I wasn't added to the group chat. It honestly felt like I wasn't wanted at the meet up and F even said to another of our friends afterwards that she thinks that S and P don't like me which is why they didn't invite me.

This is a message from S in response to me asking what happened between us. "College was great and I completely agree, we were really close. I think for me, I’ve definitely changed in the four years since finishing college. Probably a lot of it comes from moving away from home and being at uni. I don’t know.. maybe that’s why things aren’t the same as college but we’re still friends though. With the last meet up, I think that might have come across way worse than it was meant to. I was just initially meeting up with P and then it just expanded from there. Tbh I didn’t think we had to meet up as a group all the time, I thought it was chill if it was just one on one. It was never anything malicious like not wanting people there. Just wanted to say I’m definitely not upset or anything with you - you haven’t done anything wrong. For me, we have definitely not fallen out I think it’s just a combination of busy lives and people changing that means it’s not the same as college but I don’t think that’s on bad terms or anything, it’s just different. hope you understand where I’m coming from xx"

This sounds so sad but I am on holiday and I haven't stopped thinking about S and our friendship. I don't know what to do now, I really want our friendship back and I don't know what happened. When we've met since college it's been awkward, we don't have the banter we used to have. S and I havent met individually since college. Should I ask her if she wants to go to lunch or something or should I just leave it? (The thought of just leaving it makes me so upset)

OP posts:
notacooldad · 27/06/2019 15:04

But I just don't understand what happened? How can we go from being so close, to nothing at all?
Life, that's what's happened!!
Priorities change, life takes us in different directions, new opportunities arise and so on.
You are young, make new friends, have adventures, look forward, occasionally glance back at the past and smile about it but don't live there.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/06/2019 15:04

You never know, in a few years you may reconnect but you’re not exactly old yet (kindly meant) so once you’ve been through the mill a bit more you may have more similar experiences.

It definitely hurts, we’ve all (mostly) mourned the loss of a good friend / friendship x

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 15:07

Yep, been on both the receiving and the giving end. It's sad but common. Don't take it personally. It doesn't reflect on you as a person, just that you want different things out of life now.

RavenLG · 27/06/2019 15:14

Some of the things you're saying about her, I'd be a Hmm if someone I knew for 2 years, several years ago said about me. You were friends for a short time, while you we're close, you both went your separate ways to university. Quite formative years. You've said yourself you we're a homebody, you now have a long term DP and settling down. Perhaps she found her 'real' self at university and realised your personalities don't match anymore. It's not about someone changing and dropping their old friends, but if you realise after several years you no longer have things in common, it's hard to keep a close friendship when you can't connect anymore.

I'd focus on making new friends and yourself and NauseousMum's text keeping the relationship going but not as intense and close as you once we're would be the best option imo.

sneakypinky · 27/06/2019 15:16

It sounds like you should attempt to make some new friends in your current life.

People change and move on. It will likely happen several times in your life, and it is not healthy to fixate on one friendship that might have evolved or fizzled out.

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 15:20

Op something else must be going on here. You've only met up with her a handful of times in four years. It doesn't sound like you've visited each other, chatted on the phone or even kept any minimal contact going. Have you really spent 4 years thinking that you are bestest close friends with her?

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 15:33

@sprouts21 no, of course I haven't thought she's still my best friend! She was a best friend at the time, and I'm just wondering what went wrong/whether it's possible to be close again. Have I officially "lost" her.

OP posts:
QforCucumber · 27/06/2019 15:37

by saying you've lost her, you sound so attached - it sounds as though you're talking about someone you were in love with not friends with. In 4 years have you not focused on yourself? your DP? making university friends? i have groups of friends form college/uni etc as said before, some I was close with at different times but you move on. Nothing 'went wrong' your lives just went in different directions.

notacooldad · 27/06/2019 15:39

Have I officially "lost" her?
She is not yours to loose.
You are being ridiculous now and have been given good advice.
Concentration on having a happy and fulfilling life.

katewhinesalot · 27/06/2019 15:48

I think you were delighted that she moved back and hoped that you would pick up where you left off - but that's impossible as you are both different people.
You have also perhaps scared her off a bit. I know you say you haven't portrayed your neediness but I bet there were subtle signs - and your text was an obvious sign.
You are disappointed but please don't fixate on this. You were ok when she lived away weren't you? Or were you hoping she'd fill a void? Was she supposed to be the thing that fixed your life?

It doesn't seem as if your expectations were realistic and now you've got to adjust those expectations. You can do it op. Flowers

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 27/06/2019 15:51

It's a bit twee and folksy, but true nevertheless -- some friends you have for a season, some for a reason, and some for life.

There are some people you are friends with even very close friends with for a period in your life when you're in the same place (physically or in life stage terms) and then you drift apart because you just aren't any more. There are some people you become friends with because you have children the same age, or you play netball together, or you're in the same book club and then you drift apart when your children go to different schools, or you give up on netball, or can't spare the time to go to book club. And then there are friends who may have started in the "for a season" or "for a reason" groups who stay friends throughout your life.

You can't normally tell which is which except a few years down the line, when the factors of proximity or common activities that threw you into the friendship to begin with no longer apply.

Your friendship with S was a "for a season" friendship -- it doesn't mean that none of it was real or important at the time, but you're not lifelong best buddies. Find some more season and reason friends, have a good time with them, and some of them will probably transition into friends for life.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2019 15:52

Her message was clear you haven’t done anything wrong
You will ruin what remains of the friendship by being needy and intense just be cheerful and breezy, send a text after group meet up saying how much you enjoyed seeing her and let’s do it again but leave her to make contact
Make new friends and don’t obsess

RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 15:56

OP, stop getting so hung up on this best friend and closeness malarkey, accept that your friendship has changed as friendships do. If you don't adapt to the way in which your relationship has moved on you will have no friendship with S at all.

CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 16:00

She’s not your possession OP. You may think you’re not displaying that possessive, controlling nature to her, but she’ll know, she will have picked up on it. Nobody wants to be controlled and the way you’re talking about her is coming across as very needy, immature and unwilling to see it from a balanced, normal point of view. She was kind in her response, you’ve had many kind responses on here. So perhaps take some of the advice you’ve been offered and relax about the whole situation.

Soola · 27/06/2019 16:01

Op, you give off the impression on here that you are unconfident, feel low and needy.

Everyone has their own problems nowadays and whilst it may sound selfish many want to spend their leisure time with people that are uplifting and they can have fun and a laugh.

You sound very serious and that might be offputting to her as it is to me.

Build on your confidence and boost your self esteem. Confident and happy people attract other confident and happy people.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 16:07

@QforCucumber by saying you've lost her, you sound so attached - it sounds as though you're talking about someone you were in love with not friends with It feels like that, though. When you have a connection with someone it doesn't matter if they're a friend or a lover - it still hurts when they no longer have the same place in your life - or indeed a place at all as S has all but disappeared from my life

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 16:09

Yes, but it was 4 years ago OP. And it was a 2 year friendship. It just wouldn’t be a big deal to most people by now.

Soola · 27/06/2019 16:10

When you have a connection with someone it doesn't matter if they're a friend or a lover - it still hurts when they no longer have the same place in your life -

That is very intense and I would run a mile if I thought a friend felt like that about me.

People may feel uncomfortable about someone so intense about them.

QforCucumber · 27/06/2019 16:11

@Pinkarmchair I appreciate that, and if this were her cutting you off with no reasoning or a fall out I'd understand, but it's been 4 years in the making - double the amount of time you were actually friends for.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 16:11

@CarrieBlu why is it that a 3 year relationship is considered long term but a 2 year extremely close friendship is not? We are very young, it's not as if it's 2 years of our lives at say 40 or even 30.

OP posts:
pinkstar01 · 27/06/2019 16:14

OP you can't force people to be your close friends just because you want them to be. That's not how it works, you guys have drifted apart over the 4 years and she's moved on and you just need to let it go.

CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 16:14

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to anyone on this thread that you’re very young. We can tell.

You clearly don’t want to listen to anyone’s advice, so you crack on torturing yourself. But you’ll lose more friends along the way if this is how you behave/obsess.

PotolBabu · 27/06/2019 16:15

But if after a 3 year relationship you didn’t see each other for 4 years it wouldn’t be a relationship would it?

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 16:15

I just want to say, I'm not like this at all to her. I'm letting my true feelings out on here. The message I sent her is the extent of it. I promise that I don't display any signs of neediness or anything around her - we always meet up in a group and we just chat generally about our lives. I don't message her otherwise so no bombarding, nothing that appears needy - I know you will have perceptions that this is how I am in person but this is not the case. I'm just revealing my innermost feelings here, she has no idea.

OP posts: