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Original poster

Have I lost my best friend?

123 replies

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:40

S and I were very close for our 2 years in college. She was my best friend. We just got each other, we bantered with each other and no-one was closer than us in our friendship group of 4 girls. We went to separate universities. It has been 4 years since we left college.

I was invited to a meet up with this friendship group recently. (We have been meeting up approx twice a year since college). I wasn't invited by S, I was invited by another of the girls. It transpired that S initially was going to meet with just P (who she wasn't even close with at all?! It was literally just S and I who hung out together and were super close). S and P invited F and they had a group chat talking about the meet up with the 3 of them. So at this point, I was just forgotten about. F invited me on a separate chat between us 2, I wasn't added to the group chat. It honestly felt like I wasn't wanted at the meet up and F even said to another of our friends afterwards that she thinks that S and P don't like me which is why they didn't invite me.

This is a message from S in response to me asking what happened between us. "College was great and I completely agree, we were really close. I think for me, I’ve definitely changed in the four years since finishing college. Probably a lot of it comes from moving away from home and being at uni. I don’t know.. maybe that’s why things aren’t the same as college but we’re still friends though. With the last meet up, I think that might have come across way worse than it was meant to. I was just initially meeting up with P and then it just expanded from there. Tbh I didn’t think we had to meet up as a group all the time, I thought it was chill if it was just one on one. It was never anything malicious like not wanting people there. Just wanted to say I’m definitely not upset or anything with you - you haven’t done anything wrong. For me, we have definitely not fallen out I think it’s just a combination of busy lives and people changing that means it’s not the same as college but I don’t think that’s on bad terms or anything, it’s just different. hope you understand where I’m coming from xx"

This sounds so sad but I am on holiday and I haven't stopped thinking about S and our friendship. I don't know what to do now, I really want our friendship back and I don't know what happened. When we've met since college it's been awkward, we don't have the banter we used to have. S and I havent met individually since college. Should I ask her if she wants to go to lunch or something or should I just leave it? (The thought of just leaving it makes me so upset)

OP posts:

sonjadog · 27/06/2019 18:04

Tbh, if you thought someone who you knew for two years was like your sister, it sounds exactly like it was a teen friendship. Teen friendships are often very quickly started and very intense while they last. They also rarely last longer than a few years. Adult friendships I think usually take time to build and don't have the same intensity. The feeling of someone being like a sister comes after knowing each other through thick and thin for years and years.

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 18:06

sprouts21 She was basically my sister rather than just a teen friendship

Just stop it op. You sound quite ridiculous.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 18:12

@sprouts21 There's no need to be rude! Just because you haven't experienced a friendship where you become that close does not mean it can never happen.

OP posts:

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 18:16

Just because you haven't experienced a friendship where you become that close does not mean it can never happen

You say you're 22 ?

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 27/06/2019 18:20

Friendship works both ways. If you've not seen each other individually or even messages individually for four years, that's both of you stepping back from it, not just her. I'm really sorry OP. At least she's not saying you're no longer friends at all, I think she's gently trying to tell you that she thought the friendship had moved on from that intense closeness people have at uni.

NotAgainKen · 27/06/2019 18:24

OP, this sentence of yours really leaped out at me: I'm trying to salvage my old friendships so I'm not completely alone

It comes across as if you're clinging to these old friendships because you're scared you won't meet new people or make any new friends. You will. You'll meet new people through work, just as you met S at college, and unlike at uni you won't have DP at your side constantly taking your attention.

Posters are trying to be kind because you sound so upset but you really need to take a step back and look at this from S's point of view. You've been away at university for four years and the whole world's opened up to you both - but you seem determined to drag her back to your sixth form college. If you want the friendship to flourish again, you need to share some current experiences, even if that's just having a long lunch and chatting about what's going on in your life.

pictish · 27/06/2019 18:31

OP she has moved on. Whether you promised to be best friends forever and she felt like a sister, or not...she has moved on. She hasn’t ditched you and she bears you no ill will. She feels more connected to P at this stage in her life possibly...and that’s ok. The intensity she shared with you has waned. It was a two year friendship, four years ago.
Please try to stop mooning over her.

sneakypinky · 27/06/2019 18:32

Come on OP, you're 22. You'll get over it.

Things change and move on. Maybe she's grown up a lot. Make an effort to make new friends. This one has run its course and she obviously doesn't want to go back to what it was.

QforCucumber · 27/06/2019 18:40

People are talking from experience OP not with malicious intentions. Throughout 6th form and 1st year uni I had a friend, we spoke every single day, went out every weekend - our boyfriends were best friends. That filtered out when we went separate ways, we just grew apart - I know a lot about her and she about I, but christ that was 15 years ago now. We still see each other sometimes and chat about fun things we did, that's about it.

Soola · 27/06/2019 18:40

She’s not that in to you.

She sounds like your first crush rather than platonic friend the way you’re gushing over her.

You feel lonely and in your mind you’re remembering a time when you were close with someone but that ship has now long sailed.

You’re putting all your emotions into something that has dwindled ages ago but are desperate to recreate it again that you refuse to believe it can’t happen again.

Let go.

HypatiaCade · 27/06/2019 18:49

I'm guessing the whole time through University, when you weren't making friends, in you mind she was your friend, and that you didn't need more friends as you already had them. But meanwhile, she was there making friends, socialising, growing, developing.

So now you have to catch up. It's not wrong to feel hurt and lost. What would be wrong is to spend too much time feeling this. Mourn the loss of that close friendship. It's a part of your childhood, and you're never going to get it back. But, (and this is a big but) celebrate those happy years. So many people look back at secondary school with sadness, you don't have to do that. You can look back at it with joy.

Now, set yourself a target. You need to make new friends, so decide to do that. Stop and give other people time to get to know you. Be approachable and responsive to other people who are looking to make friends.

Do you have hobbies? Are there any larger groups you could join? Community gardens, choirs, sports teams, theatre groups, book clubs, or just getting to know people at your local pub.

Good luck op.

Original poster

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 19:03

@Soola and @HypatiaCade

You've both hit the nail on the head. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear.

I am lonely and desperate for friendships. S created many new friendships at uni while I was with DP.

I need to make some. I don't have any hobbies which makes things tough but hopefully I will get there.

OP posts:

Happierlife · 27/06/2019 19:10

Love how OP responds to a few post but not others. Did i hit on some truth that you don't want to acknowledge?

Milkn0sugar · 27/06/2019 19:12

Has the meet up been and gone? If not, maybe go along if you can find it in yourself to be light-hearted and positive without dragging this matter up again. End the meet up on a very good note and see what happens next. If it's not meant to be, then you can say to yourself that you gave it a good go. I don't think that meeting up just one on one would be the best solution as you will both feel the need to address this in greater depth. You really don't need to; she has already given you a perfectly rational/ normal explanation and it would be far better to go out and have some fun to see if you can breathe fresh life into this historical friendship. If you do go, I'd message her first to say: 'thanks for your text - that all makes a lot of sense actually. Change is the only constant thing in life that we can count on. No hard feelings - it will be nice to see you on x date and hear about what you've been up to.'

Milkn0sugar · 27/06/2019 19:15

Totally agree with everyone saying that your focus should be on making some new friends though. Just thought that you might want to give it one last shot as it doesn't sound like you fell out; you just drifted apart. It happens all the time to lots of people.

KatherineJaneway · 27/06/2019 19:19

It sounds not like 'Have I lost my best friend' but more 'I've just noticed we are not close anymore, I hadn't realised and that has made me sad.'

Soola · 27/06/2019 19:27

I’ve spoken to you on here exactly as I would to my adult children and stepchildren. I might have sounded a bit harsh but I wanted you to let this go and move on as stagnating over this is causing you misery.

Ginger1982 · 27/06/2019 19:50

You said earlier that the closeness had gone without warning but you also said that she hasn't made any effort to stay close friends. That's a bit contradictory.

In any event, take the advice given and get yourself out there!

midsomermurderess · 27/06/2019 19:56

I think her explanation to you sounds perfectly reasonable. She seems to have expanded her friendship group and likes to meet people one to one not sometimes and not in big group, even if the meeting you refer to did expand a bit. As she said, people change over the years, particularly since leaving college. What they need from people changes too.

notacooldad · 28/06/2019 07:49

Both in v good professional jobs now (we are only 22) and even at 18 we were above normal maturity by far.
You're kidding right?
There used to be a teen magazine called Jackie.
Your posts sound like something from the Cathy and Claire problem page!

omione · 28/06/2019 08:33

You are not at school anymore

MrsJackman1 · 28/06/2019 11:27

OP, the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.

OriginofSpecies · 29/06/2019 08:28

@Pinkarmchair

There was a series of articles about friendship in the Guardian years ago. It makes the point that friendships are seen in a different category than sexual partnerships or relationships we have with our family. I've managed to find the first of three articles. You might find it useful to have a read.

From the article:

"There is no agreement about what friendship involves, or what to do if it goes sour. No one would dream of suggesting to a friend that they start seeing a friends' guidance counsellor to talk about the dynamics of their failing relationship. When things go wrong, we very rarely challenge our friends. That's because friendship is often a delicate affair and we don't want to tax it with too many demands. It's more common to absorb the hurt, and retreat. After all, there is no contract. The terms are unwritten, and nobody ever makes them explicit."

www.theguardian.com/theguardian/2005/jan/24/features11.g2

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