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Original poster

Have I lost my best friend?

123 replies

Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 10:40

S and I were very close for our 2 years in college. She was my best friend. We just got each other, we bantered with each other and no-one was closer than us in our friendship group of 4 girls. We went to separate universities. It has been 4 years since we left college.

I was invited to a meet up with this friendship group recently. (We have been meeting up approx twice a year since college). I wasn't invited by S, I was invited by another of the girls. It transpired that S initially was going to meet with just P (who she wasn't even close with at all?! It was literally just S and I who hung out together and were super close). S and P invited F and they had a group chat talking about the meet up with the 3 of them. So at this point, I was just forgotten about. F invited me on a separate chat between us 2, I wasn't added to the group chat. It honestly felt like I wasn't wanted at the meet up and F even said to another of our friends afterwards that she thinks that S and P don't like me which is why they didn't invite me.

This is a message from S in response to me asking what happened between us. "College was great and I completely agree, we were really close. I think for me, I’ve definitely changed in the four years since finishing college. Probably a lot of it comes from moving away from home and being at uni. I don’t know.. maybe that’s why things aren’t the same as college but we’re still friends though. With the last meet up, I think that might have come across way worse than it was meant to. I was just initially meeting up with P and then it just expanded from there. Tbh I didn’t think we had to meet up as a group all the time, I thought it was chill if it was just one on one. It was never anything malicious like not wanting people there. Just wanted to say I’m definitely not upset or anything with you - you haven’t done anything wrong. For me, we have definitely not fallen out I think it’s just a combination of busy lives and people changing that means it’s not the same as college but I don’t think that’s on bad terms or anything, it’s just different. hope you understand where I’m coming from xx"

This sounds so sad but I am on holiday and I haven't stopped thinking about S and our friendship. I don't know what to do now, I really want our friendship back and I don't know what happened. When we've met since college it's been awkward, we don't have the banter we used to have. S and I havent met individually since college. Should I ask her if she wants to go to lunch or something or should I just leave it? (The thought of just leaving it makes me so upset)

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 16:20

As people keep trying to explain to you Pinkarmchair you have not been close or best friends for the last 4 years.

I think you have romanticised this friendship in your mind and applied meaning and a dimension to it that was never there in the first place, you are looking back with very heavily rose-tinted glasses. You admit you are/were young and this is half the problem it reads as if it comes out of a teenage magazine, your friend has grown and matured whilst apart from you, you seem to have remained stuck in this young mindset.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 16:20

@CarrieBlu I'm listening, and I'm trying to change my opinion on the matter but it's hard to do a complete 180. I accept that the friendship isn't the same anymore. I just don't know where to go from here. Is it crossing the line to suggest a coffee/lunch meet up?

OP posts:
Soola · 27/06/2019 16:20

If you are not telling her about your emotions then Mable she is picking up vibes about you’re being a cling-on and is trying to shake you off?

Soola · 27/06/2019 16:20

Mable means maybe

GinasGirl · 27/06/2019 16:24

You can certainly offer to meet up, but keep it cool! I don't understand why you wouldn't, her message was really nice I thought, she's made it clear she still wants to be friends just not have the intense friendship you had years ago.
I can't remember who said it above but there was a good message about it being nice to see her and how about a coffee/lunch sometime? Send that and take it from there.

CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 16:25

Of course it’s not crossing the line to suggest coffee. Just sounds like you’re desperate to make this a drama OP. Suggest coffee, meet up, have coffee, have a chat and catch up, then leave and think “oh that was nice, I’ll look forward to the next time” and then go home and get on with your life.

Oblomov19 · 27/06/2019 16:26

You are reading far too much into this.
"completely go with no warning? ". It hasn't. It has naturally drifted apart, over 4 years. You say you want the closeness of college. But you can't have that.

And her message was very nice. Explained everything very clearly.

She clearly doesn't want that kind of closeness with you anymore.

There is nothing, literally nothing you can do but accept this.

Ohyesiam · 27/06/2019 16:30

Op, in the message I think she still sounds quite warm and engaged. I hear you when you say she means a lot to you.
Yes ask her for lunch, keep it light fun and friendly.

CarrieBlu · 27/06/2019 16:34

The thing is, you may think you’re not letting on how obsessive/dramatic you’re being, but generally people have form for this type of behaviour. It probably isn’t the first time and if you were that close she’ll know what you’re like. I speak from experience of once having a friend like you.

If the friendship was that amazing and close on both sides, it probably would have endured. But it didn’t. She’s just not that into you.

Time to move on and accept the friendship as it stands now.

FriarTuck · 27/06/2019 16:37

The first place mumsnet generally tells you to look is reconnecting with old friends that that's what I've tried to do, but failed.
It's not failed, she just doesn't want to be your best friend. She's happy to be friends though so accept that and move on. Yes it'll hurt for a short while but if you keep busy you'll suddenly realise that you feel okay about it after all. Personally I'd hold off any lunch invites for a while. Give yourself a chance to regroup and get your head back in kilter, otherwise you're going to end up sounding needy. Give it a couple of months then suggest lunch or a drink.

OverseasWorker · 27/06/2019 16:46

This is a lot of angst over a 2 years friendship 4 years ago.
Friendships come and go, I've had many best friends over the years (old gimmer now) but people's lives change, husbands, jobs, kids or whatever.
I moved abroad and while I am still friends with my old best friends, it's not like before. It can't ever be.

Even if I was still in UK I'm sure more friendships would have evolved and changed over the years.

I have one needy friend right now and it's exhausting trying to manage her expectations of our friendship. I don't need or want a best friend now.

Ohrobin · 27/06/2019 16:48

I've been where you are and I can honestly say I felt similar with some friends that I didn't feel as close to after college/uni. I'm not sure how things felt better but giving it time I realised I was actually quite dependent on the emotional connection some of my friends gave me. Over time, and seeing a counsellor helped me to talk this. I now appreciate the varying friendships I have including those from college/uni that we just meet up for dinner and catch up which is lovely and other friends I use more for emotional support.

It doesn't sound like your friend is trying not to be friends anymore. I would agree with pp say "I appreciate you being honest with me, understand where your coming from, let me know if you fancy a coffee anytime soon" and leave at that.

Ginger1982 · 27/06/2019 16:59

You do sound quite fixated on this. Promising to be best friends for life makes you sound about 12 not someone, I assume, in her 20s. She has clearly moved on and doesn't want to be beholden to being your 'bestie' or indeed always including you (or others) when she sees other people. Unless the pair of you have been literally texting every day since you left college I don't see how you can get so upset. You say you only meet up twice a year. Friendships change. I would send a breezy message just saying that you hope you can meet up sometime soon and leave it at that.

But F sounds like a shit stirrer!

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 17:05

I just want to say, I'm not like this at all to her. I'm letting my true feelings out on here. The message I sent her is the extent of it. I promise that I don't display any signs of neediness or anything around her

That message was needy, inappropriate and actually a bit accusatory.You just don't message someone after 4 years saying stuff like this.During college, we were close.At the time id have classed you as one of my best friends.You were definitely the person I was closest to in college.After college, we drifted apart, which is to be expected with going to different unis in different cities.But we drifted more than I would have expected, I thought I'd made a lifelong close friend in you who even if we didn't speak much when we did it would be like nothing had changed

I would actually be a bit cross to get a message like that from someone I'd known four years prior.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 17:07

When I say promising to be best friends for life I don't mean we literally made a promise! It was implied by us saying we'd be each others bridesmaids etc.. now I'm a close to getting married it's hitting a raw nerve.

I'm actually posting this quite some time after S sent her reply. So I can't just reply to it now, it would be a new convo.

2 years of seeing each other every day, sharing absolutely everything, is pretty intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 17:08

@sprouts21 i sent this a couple of days after meeting up with S and our friends. I didn't just randomly message her after 4 years

OP posts:
dodgeballchamp · 27/06/2019 17:13

You do sound very needy. People change and people drift apart, that's life. It's not personal and there doesn't have to be a specific reason for it. I'm definitely not the same person I was while I was in college – I don't think many people are! If someone I was close friends with in school/college messaged me and suggested 'trying to get our closeness back' after years of not really seeing each other I'd be frankly weirded out. She was pleasant and polite in her message and clearly doesn't want to cut you off, but doesn't feel like you have anything in common anymore. Also meeting your partner at uni shouldn't preclude you from making friends, unless you literally spent all your time with him/her? That's not very healthy imo. You should have a life outside the relationship

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 17:17

@dodgeballchamp one of my regrets is spending all my time with DP at uni (it was the honeymoon period). I made 2 close friends there though. I can't really go back and change that though, so I'm trying to salvage my old friendships so I'm not completely alone

OP posts:
RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 17:17

2 years of seeing each other every day, sharing absolutely everything, is pretty intense.

and you've had 4 years of NOT doing that, why are you so hung up on those 2 years?

If you still class/want S as a friend why can she not still be a bridesmaid at your wedding, is it that you only want bridesmaids who will absolutely, definitely, cross my heart hope to die, reciprocate by having you as a bridesmaid at their wedding? Once again, this is a very young, immature promise to make, life changes some people never marry you really are clinging on to a very idealised version of your friendship.

sprouts21 · 27/06/2019 17:23

It doesn't matter when you sent it, it was inappropriate and manipulative in my view. You are not entitled to an ongoing relationship with her. There is nothing to ponder or worry about apart from your own sense of entitlement.

2 years of seeing each other every day, sharing absolutely everything, is pretty intense

Here is the problem op. It shouldn't be intense, it should be fun and lighthearted. I don't think it's normal to describe a teen friendship like this.

Ginger1982 · 27/06/2019 17:23

Why don't you try and make some new friends rather then fixating on old ones? I have 3 year old DS and have made good friends since he was born. I don't see my 'old' friends nearly as much apart from ones who have kids themselves.

RedDogsBeg · 27/06/2019 17:27

Pinkarmchair putting these two statements together says it all:

About S when at College - 2 years of seeing each other every day, sharing absolutely everything, is pretty intense.

About your DP at Uni - one of my regrets is spending all my time with DP at uni

It sounds like you throw everything into and at a relationship to the exclusion of everything and anyone else and in your mind that equals closeness.

sonjadog · 27/06/2019 17:38

I suggest you leave this for a couple of months and ask her if she would like to meet for lunch in the autumn. Firstly, it sounds like you need some time to process the feelings and by the autumn you will hopefully feel calmer about it. Secondly, focus on making new friends so that you aren't so dependent on a couple of people.

Original poster
Pinkarmchair · 27/06/2019 17:55

@sprouts21 She was basically my sister rather than just a teen friendship. I'm not exaggerating this. We were/are (although it may not seem like it right now, but bare in mind this this is an exception to my personality overall) very mature for our age. Both in v good professional jobs now (we are only 22) and even at 18 we were above normal maturity by far.

I do need to make new friends but it takes a long time to build up closeness with people generally. With S and I, it was instant.

OP posts:
Happierlife · 27/06/2019 17:59

So how much contact did you have with her whilst you were at uni? Why would you want someone in your life that doesn't want to be in your life in that capacity?

I do understand the hurt of losing a friend but guess what i have made new friends and in reality have a better"best friend" than the person i used to consider my best friend (who i thought would be there for me always).