Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

[KitKat1985]

Right I'll try to write this impartially. DD1 is 4 and has autism. She is not really that interested in a lot of foods, and a very fussy eater, and subsequently is slim, almost bordering on the skinny side. Because she's not very interested in food, she tends to come to the table at meal times and eats for a bit and then wander off to the sofa or to her toys still nibbling food from her plate. Parent A keeps telling DD1 that she should eat at the table with us and her younger sister as it's polite and good manners, and also makes less mess. The problem is that DD1 tends to refuse to come back to the table and has a meltdown the more the issue is pushed, and then refuses to eat anymore at all either at the table or anywhere else. Parent B thinks in the grand scheme of things and wider context of DD1's autism the priority is for DD1 to eat and that it's better for her to eat on the sofa etc than not much at all, even though it's not ideal, and that parent A needs to relax about their 'only eating meals at the table' rule. Parent A thinks parent B is being soft and encouraging bad habits, and is fed up of cleaning food mess up from all over the house. Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

Pick your battles.

I never understand why parents try to treat autistic children like they are not autistic.

I agree with parent A with the caveat that I don't know much about autism and how that affects it at this age.

I think having a clear routine/set boundaries and rules is helpful for most children though.

Would it work for her to have a toy at the table so she can play with it sitting at the table but not walking around the house?

If the trigger for a meltdown is trying to get her back to the table then it seems to me the solution may be to find ways to keep her at the table longer so she can eat more.

When she goes to school she will be expected to sit at the table and eat her lunch and therefore learning techniques/strategies now to help her manage that will I'm sure be helpful for her

Given her young age I would agree with parent B.

As she gets older there will be a better understanding of social conforms such as sitting at the table.

I have a DS with ASD.

DH used to be parent A and I was parent B, DH has now relaxed and realises its a battle not worth fighting. Causing anxiety around food was something none of us needed!

Parent B. Cleaning up a bit of food mess can take a few minutes and can be frustrating but it's not much when set against the risk of ramping up anxiety issues around food. Calories and nutrition are the priority, the rest is for later.

I don't think we can fairly make a comment without really knowing your DD.

She's in the routine now of being allowed to move around and eat. Breaking that will be difficult.

The point which sways me is the food all over the house... that's not good. Even if she were to wander within the same room would be a good first step I think.

I agree more with parent A.

But I might consider allowing some toys at the table.

Or allowing Dd her own private little table apart from everyone else- I wouldn't necessarily get hung up on the all sitting together thing.
But I would have rules about where you can and can't eat.

I agree with Parent B. Pick your battles.

I think it depends on priorities and without more background it is hard to judge. However I would suggest that being less strict with dd1 will mean dd2 expects to do same. Maybe compromise on allowing dd1 to get down but food stays at the table, so if she continues to eat it is less messy. Why does parent B not clear up?

Mostly parent B but parent B should be clearing up any food mess around the house.

I agree with Parent B but I would have a little tray near/on the sofa and would ask her to eat the food on that, in order to avoid mess.

I would usually be parent A, but because she is very slim, I wouldn’t want to create issues around her eating.

My dd was like this. Had an ASD diagnosis but I’m not sure any more. My dd was also incredibly petite. Never took to being fed nor did she attach any social importance to food. Why would she with her ASD understand aged 4 the social importance of eating at the table?

When she is older she will. But not right now.

She’s interested in other things. She’s learning other stuff. Let her eat and wander. I’m glad I was relaxed like this with dd because she is quirky and feisty and brainy and was on her own developmental path.

She’s now 14 and shuns the dinner table because she’s a stroppy teen but that’s a different issue.

She can sit at a table!

Parent B all the way.

One of the conditions my dd has is autism, if she wanted to sit on an electric fence to eat I'd let her. We went through years of her in and out of hospital because of her weight. I listened to therapists and family and friends when they said she must sit at the table, she must eat this and that. I forced the issue so much that she stopped eating and is now only able to take prescription high calorie milk and very soft blended foods and her jaws never developed properly and she has constant problems with her teeth and gums. She has other conditions too, but in relation to the food, if I had of not been so adamant to listen to others and let her eat where she wants she wouldn't have half these problems now at 11 years of age.

Agree with Parent B. My autistic DS is exactly the same with food. I don’t see any reason to increase anxiety when there is no need.

I agree with parent B. Anything to avoid making eating more of a battleground.

Agree with the PP who suggested a tray, DS has one of these www.habitat.co.uk/tiffany-red-wooden-folding-breakfast-tray-1782394

Also a parent to a child with asd. Parent B initially but with a visual timer set for how long she currently sits for and a routine for table time. Good time to improve social skills , seeing her parents & sister eat etc. Praise for anything she eats- offer a tray of nibbles throughout the day for her to pick at as well. Then gradually build up time she will sit for.
Play with food as well at other times if she has sensory issues.

No I wouldn’t permit eating anywhere except at the table. Too much mess, dirty fingers ruining the sofa and making the walls and toys sticky. The sooner it becomes the norm to eat at the table, the better.

Surely this also depends on the child's ability. Often people associate autism with high functioning autism. But is this child high functioning? Some children with autism are non verbal, have a much younger developmental age and need help with all their personal care needs.

I would go with the stricter parent to an extent. All children need boundaries. This will be an asset to them in later life. But this would only be to an extent. I would relax some elements if needed. A balance of just the right difficulty for the given child is needed.

Can she sit in a junior chair up to the table so it is more difficult for her to just wander? Or like a PP mentioned, allow a tray but she must choose where she would like to sit down with it, not wander about? I think I agree with the points both parents are making.

I would go with Parent A based on actual experience with autistic kids with food issues. Routines and structure around food really help if you stick to them.

I'm guessing you're parent B. I was also parent B when my autistic child was that age. Now they're older, they are much bette at eating. Making food into conflict is a bloody disaster. The main thing is to get food - any food - into them.

Parent A.

Routine and structure.

It’s become routine now for your DD to wander off at mealtimes, that’s going to be difficult to change.

Oh and my child developed ARFID. Forcing him to sit until everyone else had finished eating and insisting he only ate in that situation triggered it.

By relaxing the rules, he has become much more relaxed and will now sit quietly (with a phone) throughout a family Sunday lunch which would have been unthinkable at 4

Parent B all the way. Food sensory issues are difficult for the child. Add in food phobia and the importance is to have the child enjoy what limited range they will eat and allow them to develop that way. The 'norm' for one doesn't fit all.