Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

[KitKat1985]

Right I'll try to write this impartially. DD1 is 4 and has autism. She is not really that interested in a lot of foods, and a very fussy eater, and subsequently is slim, almost bordering on the skinny side. Because she's not very interested in food, she tends to come to the table at meal times and eats for a bit and then wander off to the sofa or to her toys still nibbling food from her plate. Parent A keeps telling DD1 that she should eat at the table with us and her younger sister as it's polite and good manners, and also makes less mess. The problem is that DD1 tends to refuse to come back to the table and has a meltdown the more the issue is pushed, and then refuses to eat anymore at all either at the table or anywhere else. Parent B thinks in the grand scheme of things and wider context of DD1's autism the priority is for DD1 to eat and that it's better for her to eat on the sofa etc than not much at all, even though it's not ideal, and that parent A needs to relax about their 'only eating meals at the table' rule. Parent A thinks parent B is being soft and encouraging bad habits, and is fed up of cleaning food mess up from all over the house. Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

I agree with Parent B

@TastingTheRainbow - of course. Every child is different and all these things should be done in liaison with the parents. I'm sorry you seem to have had a poor experience.

I’ve just done an autism awareness course for parents.
They would say pick your battles and it’s more important the child eats than where she eats

Mine didn't like sitting at the table when they were small. It all changed gradually and now they're at the table nicely every evening.

Parent B all the way. But we did have a secondhand sofa that we allowed to get crumby / sticky! We have a nice new sofa now.

I'm another one who has a child with autism, albeit a now giant 6ft 15yo one. I actually think there is a middle ground.

It's socially inclusive to be able to sit at the table together for mealtimes.

It's beneficial if you want to go out together as a family, if you're in a less tolerant environment, for your DC at school etc, etc. Yes I know that it's hard and exhausting for autistic children to conform etc but actually life can't just be about their needs it's important to think about compromise to meet the whole families needs.

However, the stimulation of all sitting together can make eating difficult if not impossible. For a bordering underweight child this is quite a pressure (mine was 90th on height and from memory around 10th on weight, I get the worry).

I encouraged everyone at the table until most had cleared their plates. No pressure at all on the amount DS1 ate - if any. At the end of the general eating time DS1 could eat his meal in peace at the table or in one place (not wondering around i.e. at a coffee table).

Eating out I found feeding DS1 at home first and letting him choose a starter/ pudding or side with no pressure to eat which ment we could, at quiet times, in known quiet restaurants get through a quick meal.

We have allowed some use of tech at the table to establish sitting at the table for meal times and take tech out with us.

At 15, mostly DS1 now manages a good meal albeit slowly, with the rest of us, mostly precut bite size food. We are able to eat out and wider family accept DS1 may order just an ice cream/ pate or naan bread - but he's happiest that way. Sometimes he goes for a whole three courses and sides locks on to it and ploughs through it without lifting his head. His weight is just into acceptable (if he'd stop growing taller that might help).

My experience is of one child and every child is going to be different. I do know that the pressure of parenting an autistic child breaks down many, many relationships. My son's dad left when he was 3. I've been remarried for ten years but with current DH, we've had some serious wobbles over parenting DS1. There is no right path or instruction manual so you have to somehow find common ground and agree a united front.

I am like parent B.

I have no experience of autism, but did have one child who at that age was significantly underweight and often wouldn't eat st mealtimes.

however, He would sit on the sofa watching tv while being spoon fed. if immersed in the tv he would allow this and the priority was always to get calories into him.

ten years later he eats at the table nearly all of the time!

but you need some help with a programme to deal with [...... ] the increasing tolerance of different tastes and textures.

Do I laugh or cry and that? There is no help, none whatsoever, the only 'help' is when, like a pp's child, they become desperately ill, till then you are on your own, with a few books to help.

I have serious food issues, I get very anxious around food that is not familiar, I will try things, but on my terms - if someone tries to get me to try things I will immediately put a barrier up.

oh and fwiw in now yr1, I did a 'blind taste test' (that would never happen now) and got given a jam sandwich. Will not eat that stuff to this day. Oh and every single parent knows that their child will eat food at nursery/school that they will not even entertain at home, it isn't really an achievement if you get my ds to eat a lump of bread that he never eats again - because, most likely, what ever I offer is not exactly the same as what school offered.

I taught these children for 20 years. And never had a single child (however challenged) who didn't learn to sit at the table for class snack and school dinner within a few weeks of arriving at our school

Im so angry at this comment I can't even compose a reasonable response.

Who the fuck do you think you are?

For the record, you haven't taught 'these' children at all.

My own dd has autism and when she was little I did try to put rules in place. Some worked some didn't . I'd go with parent b. In the grand scheme of things, if it makes your life easier, does it really matter?

My son sits at the table at home but has really struggled to do this at school- sensory overload etc. Perhaps I should blame the teachers for not being good enough Sara.

Yes although both of mine eat at the table at home, my eldest won't eat in the canteen at school

When she goes to school she will be expected to sit at the table and eat her lunch and therefore learning techniques/strategies now to help her manage that will I'm sure be helpful for her

Only if the school ignores the fact she is autistic, in which case they need to find a new school that doesn’t force SN kids to conform.

B. I have an autistic son. Sensory issues are relevant here. Cooking smells, echoing noises, clattering dishes, noisy eating, messy tables I could go on. Our son is allowed to take his food to a quiet place away from the kitchen table, he eats. Job done. His needs are not not the same as mine!

I'm really saddened to see a senco suggesting different behaviours at home and school are due to parental expectations.

Yep. All this “we do this, aren’t we brilliant, these children can do so much” Uh-huh, then melt down the minute they get home to release the pressure.

As a parent of a skinny picky eater with autism, food matters much more than rules. We now allow all sorts of eating habits that I never imagined possible or remotely reasonable. Just get the food into the child any way you can that doesn’t result in a meltdown.

Fuck me, some of these comments "pandering" and expecting "special rules".

"Do you have a ramp I can use for my wheelchair?"
"Sorry, we don't pander to people with special rules like that"

"I am deaf and can't use the telephone. Please can I text you instead?"
"Sorry you will just have to fit in with social norms like everyone else"

"Please can I use a blue badge space so my child can get out of the car on their crutches?"
"Sorry but they need to make the effort here. Yes it might cause them pain to walk without crutches but I've never taught a single child who didn't learn to do this within a few weeks"

Oh and by the way, re: "special rules" the words you are actually looking for is "reasonable adjustments". Have a look at the Equality Act if you have difficulty with this concept. Especially if you're a SENCO

PS I don't actually even have a DC with autism (I have disabilities myself though) but I have some fucking common sense!

A

MindfulBear well I think, and hope, most people here (and hopefully MNHQ) will find your post offensive and ignorant, let alone "unPC"

PS you're not polite. Your post makes you sound like a dick. HTH

Everything that @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles says!

Don't make issues with food. my DS has ASD and he mainly sits at the table, sometimes wanders about. As long as he eats and isn't making loads of mess then I'm happy.

@WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles

YES!!

Shocking isn't it

I have a child with autism. My feeling is that you need to be working on getting her to stay at the table longer but not turn it into a huge issue. The best advice I received was that children with ASD form habbits that can be very difficult to change so if it's something you don't want them doing when they are older, the earlier you tackle it the better.
What motivates her? Use that, set very small goals and build up very very slowly
Both parents need to agree on an approach and be consistent, I think you both need to compromise.

Ds is autistic and 9.

He has major issues with food, to the extent that he is now tube fed.

Trying to force or cajole into eating won’t work for many autistic people. They will starve before eating something that isn’t a safe food.

Making it into a battle ground will simply stress everyone out and reduce the chances of any food being eaten