Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

[KitKat1985]

Right I'll try to write this impartially. DD1 is 4 and has autism. She is not really that interested in a lot of foods, and a very fussy eater, and subsequently is slim, almost bordering on the skinny side. Because she's not very interested in food, she tends to come to the table at meal times and eats for a bit and then wander off to the sofa or to her toys still nibbling food from her plate. Parent A keeps telling DD1 that she should eat at the table with us and her younger sister as it's polite and good manners, and also makes less mess. The problem is that DD1 tends to refuse to come back to the table and has a meltdown the more the issue is pushed, and then refuses to eat anymore at all either at the table or anywhere else. Parent B thinks in the grand scheme of things and wider context of DD1's autism the priority is for DD1 to eat and that it's better for her to eat on the sofa etc than not much at all, even though it's not ideal, and that parent A needs to relax about their 'only eating meals at the table' rule. Parent A thinks parent B is being soft and encouraging bad habits, and is fed up of cleaning food mess up from all over the house. Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

Parent A. It doesn't hurt to see that sitting at the table is not just for the purposes of putting food in one's mouth, it is for talking, being together and eating if you feel like it. And it's a lot easier to have a second bite if the food hasn't disappeared down the back of the sofa cushions or acquired a coating of fluff.

DB1 was autistic. Always ate at the table - far easier than trying to balance a plate, fork, knife and everything else on the lap. And it meant he could use cutlery rather than get his fingers messy or spill anything over himself.

I think you might be better off posting this in SEN OP. What works for neurotypical children may be inappropriate for neurodiverse ones.

Parent B
I agree with the above. If you don't have SN children it is impossible to imagine the challenges

Encourage some eating at the table, eg with a toy, but given the amount of sensory stress eating at the table with family can cause, I would agree with parent B - let them eat in the living room or kitchen. But no food upstairs.

Ds and dss will sit through Sunday lunch and a meal out, and ds eats breakfast with us at the table with a cuddly toy and book, but otherwise usually eats in a quiet, separate room. Otherwise he restricts his foods further and he's only just off diagnosis of ARFID currently.

I think it's so hard to say without really knowing your daughter. Maybe the routine and structure would help or maybe you'd be creating an unnecessary argument and making food a battle ground.

I think both are perfectly "reasonable" perspectives and all I think is important is that you and your partner are able to discuss the issue calmly and parent consistently.

Parent B. Get her relaxed around food and happily eating first and then create an atmosphere around the table that she wants to be part of. Draw her in slowly. The more stress you create the more of an uphill battle you’ll have.

I agree with Parent B. When my DC were younger, they were allowed to eat on the living room floor but we had a big picnic blanket sized piece of lino down so they could eat on that

Is there a way for a middle ground e.g. she can come and go but food stays at the table, or food is allowed in a certain place only?

DS is on a waiting list for ASD assessment and has a dyspraxia diagnosis and conventional table manners are a trigger in our house and were one of the list for considering that SNs were a factor. Being too rigid about things like using a knife and fork in an age-appropriate manner just resulted in meltdowns- now we know why!

It doesn't mean living without boundaries, just adapting them to a place where they are more acceptable to the child and parents.

I've become "softer" in the last 12 months since seriously considering SNs and I have a happier child for it and a better chance of rationally talking through issues rather than triggering a rapid escalation to meltdown. Not perfect, but better.

Parent A.

Parent A.

Somewhere in the middle. Forcing at the table is likely to be counter-productive, but walking around dropping everything isn't great either. So as others have said maybe a tray or maybe non messy food.

My DS sits at the table on his own (he only eats cereal) but forcing him to sit would never have worked.

Path of least resistance. My neurotypical children eat at the table. My autistic child wanders around and currently eats most successfully by grabbing two things off her plate, bolting to the other end of the house and then shoving one in her mouth and one in the dog.

When he did eat we got him adapted cutlery, being able to use it made meals a lot better. He still uses baby spoons (metal with a slight curve) for breakfast.

www.nrshealthcare.co.uk/eating-drinking-aids/cutlery-aids/kura-care-childrens-cutlery-set

Parent A - Routine and structure

Sitting at the table to eat food. Just like she will be expected to do in school and out in public.
If she leaves the table, she doesn't eat. No wandering and grazing.
That said, I would not suggest a big shout out about it -- just a low voice reminding her that food is for eating at the table.

My DS is not quite this bad but he does eat better if it's just him and DD or sometimes if a) he's had a cracker or breadstick so he isn't starving or b) we let him eat at the table but after us. He has ADHD.
Could you have her own table or her own time to eat?

Ds1 is autistic and I have always made him eat at the table but he gets to eat the dinner he chooses as long as it’s not junk food. He is also very slim and has been under paediatrician care for it.

I wouldn’t let my kids walk about the house eating food. Ds1 knows this now and his routine is to sit and eat dinner at the table then go wash his hands before going through the rest of the house.

I'd compromise. Hot meals eaten at the table, cold foods on laps on the sofa. For both dc.

I wonderd about asking her to stay at the table whether she eats or not, but it's family time she can learn to respect spending together. Keep the expected time short. 20 minutes is long enough for a 4yo.

We had a no-eating in the 90 minutes before meal time rule which increased odds DC were hungry & would eat when the freshly cooked food was put on plate in front of them.

Banning eating in places which are akward to clean afterwards is also reasonable.

Without a shadow of a doubt, Parent B.

I think I'm with parent B.
My kids eat at the table and only at the table, but they don't have any food issues and no autism. If they had an underlying condition which turned every meal at the table into a battle, then my rule would go out the window very quickly. It's more important that they eat, and that they are comfortable eating. If eating becomes something they associate with anxiety and arguments, then they will end up with some serious food issues.

She needs to be allowed the eat where she is comfortable. Have you asked her if she would like a little chair and table in a corner with her toys, and she can put her plate on that little table and then play and eat without anyone telling her off?

Parent B.

My son has autism and spent the first few years of his life surviving on crisps, tuna sandwiches and bread as that is literally all he would eat. Ever. Literally tuna sandwich for breakfast, lunch and dinner some days. The dietician said to just let him do whatever he liked and make sure eating is a positive experience with no pressure and no fuss. We let him eat on the sofa with his iPad watching you tube if that was what he wanted.

He is now 7 and eats a lot of different things now and we can even manage the odd meal out as a family which is something I never thought would happen.

Everything with autism should be about reducing anxiety and meltdowns. Nothing can ever be achieved or learnt during a meltdown or when a child is super anxious.

Parent A. Surely observing communication between family members whilst knowing the rules for sitting at the table can only help an autistic child in the long term. I feel this is only a short term battle once she knows the expectations of her; then the eating properly will follow this. Autistic children need to be able to fit it 'normal' life in order to live an ordinary life as there will not be special rules for her when she is older. The earlier she knows this the better.

I have a dd with asd. I agree with parent A. Routine routine routine. I would set a timer start with 5 minutes then she can go. Increase time over a few weeks. I think once she gets in to the idea of sitting at the table her eating might improve too.

@ItsReallyOnlyMe ermmm no, children with autism do not and often cannot “fit in” just to please others. Society should be more understanding.

I'm with parent B. I have a food refuser. The path of least resistance and stress so they actually eat is far more important than societal norms.