Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

[KitKat1985]

Right I'll try to write this impartially. DD1 is 4 and has autism. She is not really that interested in a lot of foods, and a very fussy eater, and subsequently is slim, almost bordering on the skinny side. Because she's not very interested in food, she tends to come to the table at meal times and eats for a bit and then wander off to the sofa or to her toys still nibbling food from her plate. Parent A keeps telling DD1 that she should eat at the table with us and her younger sister as it's polite and good manners, and also makes less mess. The problem is that DD1 tends to refuse to come back to the table and has a meltdown the more the issue is pushed, and then refuses to eat anymore at all either at the table or anywhere else. Parent B thinks in the grand scheme of things and wider context of DD1's autism the priority is for DD1 to eat and that it's better for her to eat on the sofa etc than not much at all, even though it's not ideal, and that parent A needs to relax about their 'only eating meals at the table' rule. Parent A thinks parent B is being soft and encouraging bad habits, and is fed up of cleaning food mess up from all over the house. Do you agree with parent A or parent B?

Parent B, but put mat on floor and washable cover on the sofa ?

I would want to understand more than I do about her autism and food issues and get some professional input before deciding. My feel is B but it could be A is actually the best way (once/if possible) to bring about better eating for her.
TLDR - don’t know enough.

This may be useful -

www.autism.org.uk/about/health/eating.aspx

Parent A.
Is she going to go through school and life in general wandering around restaurants etc eating and generally doing as she pleases.
Easier to learn social norms and have structure now. May seem hard work and not vital now but I think it will make things easier for her in the future

Parent A , but I have no experience of parenting an autistic child.

Do you know what it is about sitting at the table that causes an issue? Im fresh of my 21 hour autism parents course and it reminded me that its not ways the obvious thing. My son will sit better at a round table than a square one as he isnt directly opposite someone for instance.

Thank you for all of your replies. Seem to be a pretty balanced set of replies so looks like we both have a point. For those wondering, I am parent B. DD1 can talk a bit but is developmentally very behind (still assessed at 2-3 years competency for many things even though she's nearing 5).

Every dinner recently seems to have become a battleground between DH and DD1 over this, and it's making mealtimes stressful for all of us. Ultimately DD1 only likes very plain, dry food anyway (think sandwiches, chips, chicken nuggets, plain pasta with no sauce) so her not eating at the table isn't horrendously messy, just not ideal, and I do the majority of the cleaning up anyway. I just feel that arguments every mealtime over something so minor isn't doing any of us any good. And I do want her to eat as she's about 75th centile for height, and 25th centile for weight, so she's on the borderline for being under-weight, so I feely ultimately that any way that she will eat is good with me.

Am more than happy to look at some ways to encourage her to stay at the table (small favourite toys etc - but not her tablet as she just gets so engrossed in this she then won't eat at all), or gentle praise etc. Just feel that an argument about this every evening is unhelpful.

I have 2 with ASD and I only let them eat meals at the table.

1 also has dyspraxia so v clumsy when eating, and the other likes to play with his food. So the mess is horrendous and I prefer it to be confined to the table - for my sanity, and so we're not living in a pigsty.

However, I will admit that I let DS watch his tablet at the table when he was the same age as your DD, because it was the only way to get him to sit still long enough to eat!

I don't need to do this now he's 5.5 years as he is better (but still not brilliant).

Definitely B - you're right, and at her stage I'd think it was more important to work on regular eating than table manners.
DS1 is autistic and we've had phases of this, and making the table a negative place associated with nagging and rules is exactly the wrong way to go about it.
We have a pretty firm 'no food or drink upstairs' rule, and plates/trays if they're at the sofa, but it's counterproductive to be so rigid when you just need them to eat.
We have one of those little folding tables for eating in the sofa if it's something spillable.

@fairylea I think it is important for any individual to know the social norms otherwise it is not good for them long term; it is not a matter of society being more understanding.

I think this website refers to what I was intending to say www.verywellhealth.com/why-children-with-autism-deserve-rules-and-discipline-260156

I do agree that arguements at mealtimes are not good, and will increase your DD's anxiety around food.

Mealtimes, however or wherever you decide to have them need to be as stressfree as possible.

Is she going to go through school and life in general wandering around restaurants etc eating and generally doing as she pleases.

Surely observing communication between family members whilst knowing the rules for sitting at the table can only help an autistic child in the long term. I feel this is only a short term battle once she knows the expectations of her; then the eating properly will follow this.

Sitting at the table to eat food. Just like she will be expected to do in school and out in public.
If she leaves the table, she doesn't eat.

No I wouldn’t permit eating anywhere except at the table.

Just a few examples of how absolutely staggering the ignorance regarding Autism is.

This makes me so sad for my 2 Autistic children.

I don't even know how to respond to most of these comments.

Every dinner recently seems to have become a battleground between DH and DD1

I think the fact that DH & DD have any battle ground at all is an issue really.....a decade on I wish I had actually understood earlier that DH would ALWAYS have a battle ground with DC, once one was over there was always another. Always something he thinks is unacceptable because he just cannot comprehend or understand DC- I can so, I make constant adjustments in our life, DH is always raging because I make adjustments BUT when DH refuses to makes any adjustments and force DC it is always WW3 and meltdowns which could have been avoided if DH wasnt such an unbending arse

Autistic children need to be able to fit it 'normal' life in order to live an ordinary life as there will not be special rules for her when she is older. The earlier she knows this the better.

And this wee gem

Never ever post about autism in the main boards. The ignorance is staggering

That Verywell health article is the biggest load of shit I've read on here in some time and that's saying something

@ItsReallyOnlyMe You are making huge assumptions about how much a child with autism understands - there are vast differences between children with autism and how they function / how much they are able to communicate/ understand / have the ability to mask / etc etc.

You do realise that for a lot of children with autism they will never “know the social norms” ? Some children will, and will be able to mask well enough to cope (albeit often unhappily) but some won’t even be aware there is such a thing as social norms as their autism is such it will never make sense to them or be achievable for them.

I think every child is individual and every child with autism is individual but in the end flexibility, positivity and calm is essential when it comes to food.

Unfortunately we live in an 'ignorant' world and we have to negotiate our way through it.

@MAXnot73 I feel exactly the same!

Not sure why the 'ignorant' comment?

If people have no knowledge (therefore ignorant) they shouldn't make ridiculous judgements about what autistic children should be doing.

Max - the ignorant comment was not directed at you! It was directed at all the people you quoted

Sorry I should have said I was meaning the comment by blue!

Ex teacher of kids with severe autism here.

We worked really hard at getting kids to sit at the table for snacks and meals (5-7 year olds, some completely non-verbal and most with food issues). They could all do it pretty quickly. But our strategies for achieving that varied, depending on the child.

So yes, I think you should be working at keeping her at the table. It might take a bit of time, but if you decide you're going to let her eat anywhere at this point, it's going to be wary harder to deal with later.

Don't underestimate what even the most severely autistic child can do, providing the emotion is taken out of the whole eating thing, and calm behaviour management employed.

I don't know if she has specialist schooling or what input you have from autism groups, but you need some help with a programme to deal with both the sitting at the table and the increasing tolerance of different tastes and textures.

I’m parent b and also have a child with asd

He’s a few years older and now sits at the table fine. Also manages fine at school and going out for meals

At 4 there would have been no chance though

You're the parent you know what your child needs & having a autistic child is much harder than with a child without autism.