Did you change your surname after marriage?

[user1489792710]

The other thread in AIBU got me thinking about changing surnames after marriage.

I didn't change mine. DH would have liked me to and sometimes would ask in mock anger why I haven't. For professional reasons it made sense to stick to my maiden name as most of my qualifications and certification are in that name. So for work I use my maiden name. It's completely unpronounceable and would make sense to change to the easier married name. However I feel it's "my" name my identity and would really hate to change it.

I'm from an Asian country with predominantly Buddhist culture and married women do change their name to take on their husbands although it's not a must. It's 50/50 among my friends back home.

Just curious as to what the UK is doing?

As usual on these threads, it's only women who have names which they don't like/are too difficult/have negative connotations etc. Men always have wonderful, easy to spell names with good vibes, which is why men give up their names and adopt a woman's instead.

That, of course, is not the reason. The reason women change their names and men pretty much never do is due to a sexist tradition whereby women become the property of their husbands upon marriage. Dress it up as you will with 'Oh I couldn't wait to get rid of my name", that is the truth of it.

BeautyQueen yes of course you must do what is best for you.

And no-one is judging anyone for their own choice, just questioning the system and the arguments that keep it in place.

As was said earlier, you can be a feminist and choose to change your name. But that doesn’t make it a feminist choice. It doesn’t have to be: the important thing is that it is your choice.

But like it or not while different expectations apply to men and women in this respect, it is a feminist issue.

We have seen on this thread women who didn’t get their preference because of resistance from men in changing the tradition.

Yes, twice. Second time was because I hadn't changed my name back after divorcing XH so I didn't want to still have 'his' surname, especially as we had DD by them, who had DH's surname.

I kind of wish I hadn't, either time. It's not a feminist thing to do - there's no way DH thought about changing his name for a nanosecond, though he didn't care what I did.

Interestingly, while I know plenty of women who haven't changed their name on marriage, their DC have their DH's name. I can only think of one couple who double-barrelled for the DC, and one couple who gave their DC the mother's surname. All the rest have dad's surname. So mum with her surname, DC and DH with theirs.

I think we should do it like Icelanders.

As usual on these threads, it's only women who have names which they don't like/are too difficult/have negative connotations etc.

This.

I always think on the threads about bad names / surnames - e.g. “My husband’s surname is Wheel and because I’m Catherine that made me Catherine Wheel when I got married!” - that those names are the exact names that a woman would be thrilled to get rid of but because it’s the other way round it’s not a question of the man getting rid of his problematic surname.

As it happens I actually don’t like my surname but I will not be changing it when we get married in the next year because it’s my name. I’m also conscious that the males in my family probably never considered whether our surname is nice sounding or not.

I also know women who gave their children their father's name, even though they weren't married to him.

Not a single justification for that other than adhering to a deeply sexist tradition.

It’s not even tradition for the child of an unmarried mother to have the fathers surname, is it? I wonder why it’s become a thing to do.

Well, I guess it's not 'tradition' for children to be born outside of marriage at all!

I guess women do it for the same reason they change their own names and have their children take only the father's name. They believe, at some level, that men and their names are simply more important than women and their names.

I did.
My life turned a bit of a corner when I met DH. I was happy to leave my old surname behind and start a new "chapter" (sounds twee i know) with a new surname.

I kept my name, my DH kept his, our DD is double-barrelled because we both wanted her to have our surname. I'd have considered double-barrelling our surnames for us, and so would he, but we were both happy to keep our own names so it didn't seem worth the hassle.

I saw someone mention they changed their surname to their husband's for ease and they used joint bank accounts as an example of something this makes easier. We have a joint bank account, which we had prior to marriage (as well as having our own bank accounts). Our different surnames weren't an issue or inconvenience in the slightest. We also have a joint mortgage, again no issues. Three of us under one roof, all with a different surname and we haven't had any problems at all actually. (Well besides annoyance on my part that his parents address letters to me as Mrs His Surname instead of Ms My Surname, and to DD as DD His Surname, instead of using her double-barrelled surname.)

I saw someone mention they changed their surname to their husband's for ease and they used joint bank accounts as an example of something this makes easier.

I don't get the 'ease' argument. Surely it's a pain having to change your name on your passport, your personal bank accounts, your medical records, social media etc?

Not to mention that, if changing your name is so convenient, the same would apply to men. Yet almost none of them seem eager to reap all these benefits of name changing.

I can't wait to take my fiancé's surname. I want to share the same surname as him as well as our son.

firstimemamma he could take yours, same result

I agree with a PP saying you can still be a feminist if you take your husbands name, but doing so is not a feminist act. But then again marriage itself surely is not a feminist act either, if you look back on the history of it.

Hmm. Marriage does obviously have a horrible patriarchal history until uncomfortably recently, but the fact is that it can also confer some significant legal and financial advantages that can't be obtained any other way, and that place many women in a better position than they'd be if they were to cohabit instead. Not always, and not as many as some people think, and in some cases it can be a disadvantage. But overall, on a societal level. That has to be factored in.

The same is not true of changing your surname. You don't get a potentially bigger claim on the joint assets on splitting if you've changed your name, whereas marriage obviously can make a very significant difference here. And obviously, one thing feminism is very concerned with is women being poorer. A woman having to sell the home to pay IHT after her partner dies is not feminist.

So I think if you want a comparison with women engaging in other institutions and traditions that have historically fucked us over, a better one would be women attending universities that historically barred us. There is the argument that we should not engage and should forge new institutions instead, and also that the older institutions should be changed to work more in our favour. But equally, there's often an economic premium to be had from eg an Oxbridge degree, even if the colleges did mostly exclude women until very recently, fellowships are still male majority and the former all women colleges are usually the poorest. I'm not comparing snagging a man to an Oxbridge degree in terms of achievement btw!

I changed mine. Before we got married we were deciding what country we were going to live in. Both of our surnames are very country specific, originally we were going to live in the UK so my husband was going to change his name as his surname has characters that don't actually exist in the English language and we could see the nightmare that would be spelling it. As it was we ended up moving to my husbands home country so I took his as in England I was constantly spelling and pronouncing it so I knew it would be an absolute nightmare in my husbands home country whereas his name is relatively common/easy to say in his native language.

@firstimemamma - why do you want your DH’s surname? Could he and your DS not take your surname?

I am also ‘not a chattel,’ so I ditched the name of the absolute twat who fathered me and took the name of the man I CHOSE.

I fail to see how choice is a bad thing. Nobody forced this name on me. It doesn’t make me lesser or a worse feminist than somebody who retains the (generally man’s) name they gained at birth.

@Parker231 I come from a difficult and abusive family background and as a result don't have a relationship with anyone who has my current surname. Not one person. Maybe now you can understand why I want to share the same surname as my future husband, my son and my future in-laws. It'll make me happy and I'm not hurting anyone. I respect people who don't change their surnames but some people like me do want to change theirs. Everyone should be free to do what they like.

I am also ‘not a chattel,’ so I ditched the name of the absolute twat who fathered me and took the name of the man I CHOSE.

So you chose your FIL?

Because by your logic, since your name is actually your father's, your husband's name must also not be his, but his father's.

I think the only even remotely sensible reason for changing your name is because you want to. There are no other reasons which make any sense at all. Own your Barbara Cartland daydreams!

Yes, we see this time and time again. My name wasn't my own but my husband's was. No. Either you both had your own names or neither of you did.

By all means feel the need to get rid of a name because of some of the people you share it with, each of whom own the name as much or little as you do. I could quite see why someone with an abusive parent would want rid of the shared name as soon as they were legally able to change it, let alone after several more years of putting up with it.

And if you hate your name and it’s associations, you don’t have to get married to change it. It’s a simple online process which I have linked to several times.

Plus, do no men hate their names? Do none of these women with difficult to spell/ugly/bad vibes names have any brothers?