Did you change your surname after marriage?

[user1489792710]

The other thread in AIBU got me thinking about changing surnames after marriage.

I didn't change mine. DH would have liked me to and sometimes would ask in mock anger why I haven't. For professional reasons it made sense to stick to my maiden name as most of my qualifications and certification are in that name. So for work I use my maiden name. It's completely unpronounceable and would make sense to change to the easier married name. However I feel it's "my" name my identity and would really hate to change it.

I'm from an Asian country with predominantly Buddhist culture and married women do change their name to take on their husbands although it's not a must. It's 50/50 among my friends back home.

Just curious as to what the UK is doing?

I did but still use my maiden name professionally, this is quite common in my field. Best of both worlds.

I did, I'm not a chattel and I chose to marry my DH, I wasn't sold to him. Had no great affinity for my maiden name, I was never made to feel welcome so why should I keep the name of a marriage I destroyed? Couldn't wait to get rid and build an identity of my choosing.

I didnt second time around. Occasionally we double barrel it. We are bizarrely flexible about it. DH's family are well known where we live so sometimes it's useful to throw it into the mix.

No because we don't live in Gilead.

Wether you change your name, don't change your name, hyphenate both your names together or choose a whole new one - it is a CHOICE.

However nothing pisses me off more than being told that any of those choices makes me more or less of a feminist. Who the fuck died and made you the feminist rule maker. ?

Surely a feminist is someone who seeks to achieve equal political, economic, cultural, personal, and social rights for women. None of which is affected one iota by what we choose to call ourselves.

The inability of some self proclaimed feminists, to understand that time moves on and patriarchal practices from yesteryear - usually enforced by the law, can overtime simply turn into a benign tradition long after those particular laws are changed. At which point it becomes pure choice.

To my mind - that is the true victory of feminism. The right to CHOOSE . Not to be told. (By anyone -including other feminists)

Smallereveryday

I didn't. The historical connotations are unacceptable to me, and I am mildly disappointed every time one of my late 20s/ early 30s friends rushes to change her name, perpetuating this 'tradition' and contributing to the next generation just assuming it's what you do.

My children have both names. It hasn't caused an issue. Except for my husband's grandma.

“ Even the registrar at our wedding commented that it was the last time I would be signing my old name”

They need to be told not to make presumptions and to stop with this irritating shit.

My husband wanted me to change mine too, but I convieny ( never got young to it) Now divorcing and do glad I didn't change it. He would constantly refer to me as Mrs A He would always note whether or not my letters were address in my mAiden name or not.
If I'm honest if felt a bit like an ownership thing.

I feel it affects the social rights of women as it suggests that a woman's name does not have the same value as a man's.

No, it was my first marriage at nearly 40. Far too old to rebrand. His second so he already has a v present ex and kids... my name is quite unusual and I like it. His is the local equivalent of Smith. There’s a lot of them.

Also, yes it’s my dad’s name, but if I had a daughter she’d have my name, so her mother’s name...so at some point that cycle breaks.

I did and kept his name for quite a few years after the divorce, but one final bit of fuckwittery on his part towards our youngest DD made me see red and I set about changing my name at once. DD2 had already changed her name to something else so that she had no connection to XH. She is saving to get married in a couple of years and they have decided to double-barrel their names.

I did. My maiden name wasn't my birth name and I felt no attachment to it. My mum split with my dad and changed my birth surname to the one of my step-dad when Dsis & Dbro came along. My mum then remarried again and siblings changed their name to new step-dad's (he's a wonderful man) as their dad was so useless. I was 18 and about to start nurse training, I explained why I didn't want to change it and it was absolutely fine. When I met DH and got married there was no question over changing it, I love my surname now and really feel it's mine.

It's annoying though. I recently tried to find some of my old primary school friends
I only found one. All the rest presumably had changed their surnames and were lost forever.

@smallereveryday I strongly disagree with you. Saying that something is feminist just because a woman is making a choice doesn't make sense. It's like saying eating meat is supporting animal welfare just because you say so.

Marriage is a patriarchal institution. There's no point in pretending getting married is a feminist act. I avoided marriage to my dp for many years because of this. I eventually decided it was a sensible thing to do from a legal perspective.

We did everything we could to get away from the sexist aspects of the wedding ceremony. Eg I didn't wear white, wasn't given away, I didn't wear make up or heels, no father of the bride speeches. But I can't pretend that getting married is a feminist act due to the history behind it.

I changed my surname both personally and professionally but it was entirely my choice; professionally I didn’t want to continue to be associated with my mother who works in the same field - the years of being accused of my success being due to nepotism rather than merit had worn pretty thin at this point, and I relished the opportunity to get away from it.

We jointly decided to get married, there was no asking of permission or fannying about with hen parties, stag do’s, bridal showers or such nonsense.

We didn’t get involved in any of what I class as the patriarchal aspects of a “wedding”, no religious ceremony as we both have differing religions, I certainly wasn’t given away - we walked in together, we specifically wrote our vows to reflect our equality in our marriage, and whilst I wore an extravagantly expensive dress it was not white, and we both gave a speech to our very small number of guests.

I agree with a PP saying you can still be a feminist if you take your husbands name, but doing so is not a feminist act. But then again marriage itself surely is not a feminist act either, if you look back on the history of it.

I didn’t. Couldn’t be bothered to do all the paperwork, and I liked my surname.

It is not a neutral choice & it perpetuates the idea of women as secondary & as possessions of men.

Whereas perpetuating the idea of them being the possession of their fathers is better?

“Whereas perpetuating the idea of them being the possession of their fathers is better?l

So why do men keep their fathers’ names and women don’t?

Or are men’s names their own once they are given them but a woman’s remains her father’s?

What makes this a feminist issue is not where the woman’s name cane from but the fact that it is more expected that a woman will change her name to the man’s, that men and their families frequently make a fuss about a woman not changing their name and that men frequently refuse to change their own name in the way that women do. Often They don’t even add their wife’s name to theirs when a woman double barrels hers to his.

It is this one sided tradition that makes it a feminist issue.

I did. I didn't even consider not taking his name. I'm quite happy to have done so. I think everyone is entitled to make their own choice in the matter, without being judged by people who have different opinions.

Yes I changed my name. DH was happy to change his to mine but it didn't bother me.

I have 3 young female relatives who have married in the last 8 months (ages 22, 27 and 28) and they have all changed their name.

I went double barrelled as our son was already registered with the same when he was born 6 years before we married. However I use a mix of my married name, maiden name and just my husbands surname. And I still have one credit card in my previous married name. Just to add to the mix! 😆

Whereas perpetuating the idea of them being the possession of their fathers is better?

This is the same for boys and girls. The only way it is going to change is if more women keep their own surname and give it to their children.