Horrible man has left me feeling discombobulated

[Pinkarsedfly]

I think I’m over-reacting, but this happened yesterday and I’m still thinking about it so I thought I’d ask you lot what you’d have said/done.

Basically, I’d had a lovely day at the races with my sister and niece. I wouldn’t normally go (not my scene) but it was a charity day and my niece had got us free tickets, so I put a frock on and pitched up.

At the end of the day, it started raining. On the way back to the car, out of nowhere, a pissed guy got under my umbrella with me, and said,

‘You’ve come out in something today that doesn’t suit you, haven’t you? Those little boots...still, you’re rocking it, you’re rocking it...and with those blue eyes, you can get away with anything...’

This is the thing. I just froze. I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say. I’m known for being witty, words are my thing, and in the past I could be a bit nasty with my tongue (grown up now). But it all left me.

Instead I stepped away to avoid him, ended up in a puddle, thus humiliating myself further as he and his friends pissed themselves laughing at me.

It ruined the day for me - why can’t I just think ‘Pissed arsehole’?

Instead I’m feeling cross with myself that I didn’t give as good as I got, and that I let it upset me. How fragile is my self esteem?

What should I have said? If I’d read this on here I’d be all ‘You should have told him to fuck off’, but when it came down to it, in the moment I froze.

What would you have done?

He was negging you. It was about him, not you. For some men that’s how they get their kicks. I bet you looked great.

Pissed arsehole with his mates could get aggressive, and as much as I would love to say I’d have given a witty putdown, the sensible thing would be to move away from him and ignore. He would have loved any kind of reaction. You did the right thing

Yes, he was negging you. Trying to put you down so you'd feel grateful for his attention. The only emotion you need to feel about that is distain for the twat and pity for any woman who ends up with him.
And they were probably pissing themselves laughing at his drunken attempt to pull you, not at you. But if they were laughing at having bullied a woman into a puddle...do they deserve a nanosecond of your attention? They'll be like this with all women, you weren't singled out. Don't let it spoil your memories of the day.

I wondered about negging. Twat.

I think the fear of aggression was what made me freeze. It was just a shame that bastard puddle ruined my exit. I ended up feeling like he’d had one over on me.

Why do (some) men do this?

growlingbear I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with ‘bullied’.

I was bullied at school and I thought I’d left it all behind me. It didn’t take much to send me back there. I think that’s what I’m so pissed off about.

I'd have said, "Shoo. Off you go" as if he were an annoying dog.
And if he carried on negging, I'd just have blanked him and walked calmly away as if he didn't exist. Give men like that nothing, nothing at all.

'the fear of aggression' is what really pisses me off with men like this. because we know instinctively at a primal level that men can and do rape and murder women and have the strength to overpower us if they choose.

I suppose you could have turned that on its head and played the frail maiden and shouted out, 'Please leave me alone. I don't know you,' in a voice far more frightened than you felt, so people would come to your aid and shame him. It's an option. Why not? If he plays ape man you can play damsel in distress.

Is this what women have to put up with?

No wonder I’m happiest pottering about on my allotment, if that’s what it’s like out there.

growlingbear that’s just it. You know deep down that if the fancy took the twat you could come off very badly indeed.

Ugh

This is when it would be good to be a Buddhist, think of all the bad karma building up over that arsehole’s head!

You could consider martial arts training, OP. It gives you great confidence to know you could take the bastard in a fight.
DD did Krav Maga. She doesn’t get pestered by creepy men now - I think they can sense the vibe she gives out of “Don’t mess with me - you’ll regret it”!
She steps in when she sees other women getting hassled on a night out, and helps provide security for women’s rights events.

Your daughter sounds brilliant, Babdoc

Thing is, I used to give off a ‘scary’ vibe, or so I’ve been told. I had a fairly good arsehole immunity.

Maybe that’s why it bothered me so much. He got under the radar and I’m not used to
it.

Annoyingly, he’s put me off my little yellow boots. I now think of them as arsehole magnets.

He was ‘negging’ you.

It’s a thing, look it up.

I know about negging, but I don’t really think I’m a candidate. I’m forty five, ffs!

I’d have said, “Go way you grotty little man, your breath absolutely stinks!”

I find men to be nothing but nice to me but I do sometimes see a drink one giving females a hard time by behaving like a prat.

Your boots sound great! And you handled the situation in a way that it didn't escalate, well done.

Soola I should have. I just froze.

Being forty five doesn't disqualify you from negging. I'm fifty five and fat but when I dress up I still get wolfish stares from far too many men on the tube. I've even had men try and chat me up with DH sitting right beside me. Drunk men on the pull will just launch in.

Ugh horrid man. That would have got under my skin too. Hope he doesn’t have a wife he’s horrible too every day.

op. I bet you looked fab. You need to reclaim your yellow boots!

It ruined the day for me - why can’t I just think ‘Pissed arsehole’?

Because he deliberately targeted you to bully. When that happens, people wonder why they were picked to be the target with all the other people that were around them.

Sorry this happened to you.

I've had this done to me in the past. I think what's so disconcerting is the detail and judgement in the insult: they've obviously noticed closely and that's, to me, what's so skin-crawling. It's like, for a fraction of a second, you should listen because they've had a really intense look.

What is 'negging'?

Negging happens whatever your age.

Guys are twats.

I’m sorry that happened. I’ve been there and it’s an awful feeling, pissed off at him and yourself and wishing you’d had the perfect comeback. But as others have said, you did the right thing.

Your boots sound amazing, in my (recent) experience men don’t seem to ‘get’ the ankle boot thing, I bet you looked great! Reclaim them and don’t let the stupid drunk bastard spoil them for you.

You met someone horrible. You don’t need to change anything about yourself.