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Original poster

Horrible man has left me feeling discombobulated

113 replies

Pinkarsedfly · 16/06/2019 07:08

I think I’m over-reacting, but this happened yesterday and I’m still thinking about it so I thought I’d ask you lot what you’d have said/done.

Basically, I’d had a lovely day at the races with my sister and niece. I wouldn’t normally go (not my scene) but it was a charity day and my niece had got us free tickets, so I put a frock on and pitched up.

At the end of the day, it started raining. On the way back to the car, out of nowhere, a pissed guy got under my umbrella with me, and said,

‘You’ve come out in something today that doesn’t suit you, haven’t you? Those little boots...still, you’re rocking it, you’re rocking it...and with those blue eyes, you can get away with anything...’

This is the thing. I just froze. I couldn’t think of a damn thing to say. I’m known for being witty, words are my thing, and in the past I could be a bit nasty with my tongue (grown up now). But it all left me.

Instead I stepped away to avoid him, ended up in a puddle, thus humiliating myself further as he and his friends pissed themselves laughing at me.

It ruined the day for me - why can’t I just think ‘Pissed arsehole’?

Instead I’m feeling cross with myself that I didn’t give as good as I got, and that I let it upset me. How fragile is my self esteem?

What should I have said? If I’d read this on here I’d be all ‘You should have told him to fuck off’, but when it came down to it, in the moment I froze.

What would you have done?

OP posts:
Mumoftwoyoungkids · 16/06/2019 09:53

His mates weren’t laughing at you. They were laughing at him and the fact that a woman was so keen to get away from him that she walked in a puddle! I suspect “at least she didn’t throw herself in a puddle to get away from me” will be used for months on end by his mates now!

Original poster
Pinkarsedfly · 16/06/2019 09:57

The dress is blue, so black wouldn’t have worked. Anyway, that’s immaterial. As a pp said, I should have been able to wear moon boots and a bin liner without comment.

I like that spin on it mumoftwo Smile

OP posts:
Waytooearly · 16/06/2019 09:57

I'm sorry that happened. Of course you're disturbed. The fact is he harassed you in an effort to distress and humiliate you, because he's a misogynist shit. And no one around thought to stick up for you, shame on them.

Don't victim blame further by giving yourself a hard time for your perfectly natural response!

MumHowDoYouSpell · 16/06/2019 09:58

@Pinkarsedfly

You look fabulous Smile

2weeksholiday · 16/06/2019 09:58

You look fantastic, your boots definitely suit you. I really hope he hasn't put you off wearing them

Waytooearly · 16/06/2019 10:02

Really the people on here saying 'Well I'd have had a snappy comeback' are being dicks.

Instincts kick in. Your instinct at the moment told you that he was dangerously out of control and backed up by his little mob, so the safest thing for you to do was get away, not engage in bants!

RosaWaiting · 16/06/2019 10:02

“I hate this, why do some men think we need/want their comments on our appearance?”

They think women exist for decoration and for their enjoyment.

insancerre · 16/06/2019 10:08

Love the boots
Hope they survived the puddle

origamiunicorn · 16/06/2019 10:09

Something similar happened to me. Some guy said "hmm that colour is just not working for you is it" (meaning my Auburn hair) but then tried complimenting me on my eyes. I was hurt, of course, but I managed to call him out on his negging and that it didn't work on me, I didn't care what he thought etc. and he went away.

I think we need to start calling men out on it more.

Doobigetta · 16/06/2019 10:27

Euw, what a creepy little weirdo. You were right to walk away, engaging with low-lifes like that never does you any good. They get off on knowing they’ve got to you, and you just feel dirty. Just pretend they don’t exist.

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 10:32

Says more about him OP.He's a bitter little shit who has issues with women.

redspider1 · 16/06/2019 10:35

Just seen your photo. I'd think 'cool, chic lady', he has no style, taste or manners.

bumblenbean · 16/06/2019 10:42

Um I think you look amazing! He probably realised he wasn’t in with a Chance so decided to try to bring you down to compensate for his inadequacy. Honestly don’t give it any more head space (easier said than done I know!)

fromthefloorboardsup · 16/06/2019 10:52

I'm sorry this happened to you, it's so easy for stupid men you don't even know to make you feel awful and ruin your good time. For what it's worth, it's totally about them and nothing about you and I think yellow boots sound great! You probably looked great and he wanted to ruin that because of his own insecurities.

LadyBumclock · 16/06/2019 10:53

You look great OP but you know what, it's not just about the outfit. You look confident, happy and assertive too. That's probably what really messed with his poor little misogynist head!

fromthefloorboardsup · 16/06/2019 10:56

Just seen the pic and you do look great! I agree entirety with @LadyBumclock

Arealhumanbeing · 16/06/2019 11:17

Having seen the picture I think this:

Your clothes are all about you and not the leering misogynists at the races (been once, hell hole, never again).

You look happy and confident and as though you like yourself. You didn’t dress for him and his vile mates. Men like that can’t stand it and they notice, especially in an environment (the races) where most women comply with expectations.

I went to the races in flat shoes without displaying my tits and got pushed down the stairs and elbowed in the face. Two separate incidents, two different groups of men.

Fucking reptiles.

Soola · 16/06/2019 11:20

Your dress is lovely as are you.

The bloke was a buffoon who’s silly behaviour is not worth one second of your beautiful mind contemplating.

DuMondeB · 16/06/2019 11:24

I love your style! Dress hanging up behind you is lovely too!

catsmother · 16/06/2019 11:26

I had to look up 'negging' as I'd never heard the term. Apparently, it's 'Negging is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and increase their need of the manipulator's approval.'

But boy oh boy do I recognise the experience. I'm older than you OP and have still encountered it recently from nasty little men with no respect for boundaries, full of entitlement, a very warped sense of their own allure, and misogynistic to the core. Why do they do it? .... god knows, maybe they see an attractive, confident woman and can't bear the idea that a woman is able to be those things and have a good time without the involvement of a man. They try to make you feel bad about yourself because in their sad little world women are 'supposed' to be subservient to them and grateful for any crumbs of attention they deign to throw. They basically feel threatened by women who signal that they don't need them. Do 'we' feel threatened in a similar way by a man minding his own business and causing no offence to anyone? No, of course we don't. It wouldn't even register. What a sad piece of scum he sounds.

Please don't beat yourself up about your non reaction. Most of us know how it feels to freeze when encountered by something unexpected and unpleasant. It shouldn't be the case but it's sensible to protect yourself from further verbal, or even potential physical attack ... especially combined with the unpredictability of a pissed up arsehole.

You looked lovely btw. This is nothing about you, other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time unfortunately.

Original poster
Pinkarsedfly · 16/06/2019 11:32

Arealhumanbeing I’m sorry you’ve been through that. I do wonder if some men don’t like women who don’t fit in with what they think a woman should look like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkarsedfly · 16/06/2019 11:34

Thank you all, you’re all so fantastic and supportive.

It’s wonderful how women will take time out of their day to buoy each other up.

Flowers for all of you.

OP posts:
RestingBitchFaced · 16/06/2019 11:39

He wanted a reaction, you didn't give him one so I think that was a good result. If you had told him to fuck off, he would have probably taken it further with the insults thinking that he now had a reason to retaliate. You look lovely in the outfit, and I love the boots

KettlePolly · 16/06/2019 11:43

You look glorious and I love the boots.

RevealTheLegend · 16/06/2019 11:55

Instincts kick in. Your instinct at the moment told you that he was dangerously out of control and backed up by his little mob, so the safest thing for you to do was get away, not engage in bants!

Yes.

This 1000x

Don’t beat yourself up OP. I’m a gobshite and can be quick on the draw with a sharp comment. And I also sometimes instinctively shut up and melt away. You made the right call. Some primeval part of your brain knew how to keep you safe and overrode everything else to do it.

Just jeep smiling at the thought of that hapless nob, tried to chat some gorgeous woman up, and she was so desperate to get away she threw herself in a puddle