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Original poster

Hand hold: DH missing after "accident"

976 replies

Stickywhitelovepiss · 07/06/2019 19:20

I know it's not been long, but this is really out of character and not sure what to do next.

Rang my DH on his mobile to let him know what time I'd get in and he didn't answer - often happens so then call him on work line. His work said he'd called in on way back in after lunch saying he'd been in a car accident but was fine, and neither hide nor hair heard since. That's all I know - no indication of the severity of the accident or where he or my car (which he drives) have got to.

I've been trying him on his mobile countless times, called 101 to see if they've got him somewhere, also A&E - but no joy.

He's been off grid for about 5 hours now, when he'd normally have picked me up, got the Tesco and we'd be sitting starting our weekend. But not even a text to let me know he's not dead in a ditch, and I don't have that phone tracker either on this latest handset.

Starting to panic slightly - if anyone is around for a hand hold or some pointers as to how I can track him down that's would be much appreciated....

OP posts:
LauraMipsum · 11/12/2019 12:33

I'm a lawyer and used to represent at police stations, and this did sound odd OP, I didn't think you needed anyone else telling you that though.

Sorry to hear it's come back positive. Do you know how far over the limit he was? A real bender from the night before can still leave people over the limit the next day.

managedmis · 11/12/2019 12:35

Wtaf

I remember this thread from ages ago! He did lie then!

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 12:35

Well yes, he can’t hide the fact that he was over the limit at the time. Being very charitable, he was in such a state at the time I don’t know whether he really knew at the time or not whether he’d drunk or not, he was so adamant at the time.

In the meantime, he has come clean to having a drink problem and is seeking help.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 12:35

It was 90mg

OP posts:
namina · 11/12/2019 12:38

Bet your livid

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 12:42

No, just incredibly disappointed, sad and utterly torn as to whether to end a 12 year relationship over this.

OP posts:
managedmis · 11/12/2019 12:42

How do you feel, sticky?

lunar1 · 11/12/2019 12:51

So sorry that this was the outcome, what a nightmare.

ohwheniknow · 11/12/2019 12:53

You don't need to make big decisions like that just now. Give yourself time to process things Flowers

Ramdogs · 11/12/2019 12:56

Why do you feel you need to consider ending the relationship? If he has a drink problem and came clean pretty early on surely your help, love and support is more warranted? It's a mess I know but if it came out of his illness and he was honest relatively quick why do you feel you should end things?

SarahH12 · 11/12/2019 13:01

Oh gosh OP so sorry to read this. I didn't see this originally but it came up in active. My DH has a drink problem and needs a lot of support to overcome it. It's really not great he didn't come clean but it sounds like he really needs your support? Any idea what being charged actually means?

CactusAndCacti · 11/12/2019 13:04

Don't make decisions about the future whilst you are still in a state of shock, however you probably do need support for yourself especially if you still don't have a lot around you.

This is a good place to start. www.al-anonuk.org.uk

ReyGal · 11/12/2019 13:05

Sorry to hear this! If he had owned up at the time I guess you would have been able to get him the help he needs sooner rather than finding out now and only because the results have shown he was lying.

I read your thread and it made me think of my ex P who went missing and I was told the same thing by 101 - we know where he is/he is safe. He'd also been arrested but told me he had just been in for questioning/helping enquiries. I only found out much later after splitting this wasn't the truth and it did make me question a lot of what had been said at the time.

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 13:07

Oh god I remember your thread - I'm so sorry Flowers

Can you explain a bit more about when you say he was in such a state he might not have known if he had drunk or not? I mean for an average man to get 80mg that's 4 units, so 90mg must have been more than that.

LauraMipsum · 11/12/2019 13:07

90mg isn't miles over the limit, which is 80mg. He has probably been crossing his fingers that he was just beneath rather than just above, if that makes a difference to how you view him lying about it (was it a lie or sheer optimism).

On a guilty plea he's looking at a Band B fine and a 12 month disqualification, which he can reduce by doing the drink drive rehabilitation course.

Obviously it's you who needs to consider what happens next but if it were my partner I wouldn't end the relationship over it.

Ffsnosexallowed · 11/12/2019 13:08

Sorry to hear this outcome. 90mg isn't much over the limit and could well be from the night before, doesn't excuse it though.

Ffsnosexallowed · 11/12/2019 13:09

And I wouldn't end a long term otherwise healthy relationship over this.

MamaWeGotThis · 11/12/2019 13:10

So sorry op but what a plonker he was he must've known the truth would come out eventually

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2019 13:19

Well it's the classic about the cover-up and the lying making it worse. If he had come clean straight away he could have sought help in June. He's been lying about it for 6 months. Hindsight is 20/20 of course.

You process alcohol at the rate of about 1 unit/hour so I can't see how you could still have 5 units in your system at 3pm the next day unless he was truly drunk the night before, not just a glass or two of wine in front of the TV. But I remember you saying he definitely hadn't been on a bender.

Really sorry OP Flowers

Lunde · 11/12/2019 13:25

Was wondering what happened in your case just a few days ago

I feel sorry for you OP that everything he told you turned out to be a total pack of lies and minimization of what he had done

  • claiming that he was the victim of road rage - when he was driving drunk
  • claiming he was not arrested and that the police were joking that it was a waste of time for him to be at the police station - when all the time he was under arrest on suspicion of drink driving
  • the breath testing machine "not working" 3 times - more likely that he wasn't blowing properly in an attempt to waste time and game the system so that his alcohol levels would drop and he hoped would be under by the time they had organised the blood test. If his level was 90mg after "hours" of waiting around at the Police station - it must have been a hell of a lot higher when the accident occurred. (I think it drops by about 20mg per hour)
  • He even continued to stick to his story until you called the police who told you about the drink driving paperwork. But still he managed to sort of convince you that he hadn't been drinking and the results would come back clear.

I'm not sure that I could continue to trust someone who lied and continued to lie so comprehensively even when questioned about what he was saying.

Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 13:36

Exactly Lunde. This is the tough one to get past.

I’m now looking back over the last 5 or 6 years - when he first started experiencing mental health issues - through a very different lens.

Were these issues the cause or consequence of drink dependence? What were symptoms of one and what the others? I have supported him through so much over the years, and now feel like a total fucking mug.

This won’t be the first or last time he has lied, clearly. Just the first he got caught.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stickywhitelovepiss · 11/12/2019 13:41

Either way I will need to get through Christmas as a first step, before I take the plunge in any one direction

OP posts:
OneForTheRoadThen · 11/12/2019 13:56

I'm so sorry OP.

So has he been going home for lunch and a drink and just miscalculated what would put him over the limit? Or was it left over from the previous night?

Lunde · 11/12/2019 13:59

Take some time over the next few weeks to think through what you really want out of a relationship and whether you think it will be possible to regain the trust.

I think you are right to question the relationship between his MH issues and alcoholism. How is he reacting? You say that he admitted to alcohol issues - has he been proactive about seeking/maintaining treatment/AA/medication etc?

I think you also need to re-evaluate his habit of coming home for lunch to "feed the cat" - it sounds as though he may have been using the opportunity to top up his alcohol levels (I worked with someone with alcohol problems who used "going home for lunch" as an opportunity to have a few drinks)

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 11/12/2019 13:59

OP, I'm sorry it's turned out like this.

I wonder if some counselling, for you, on your own, to help you unravel whether to end the relationship or not would help.