Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Tonight DD11 attacked me

146 replies

AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 22:52

I posted in behaviour and development but I does seem pretty quiet on the board.

I don't know what to do anymore I really don't.

DD11 has been prone to violent outbursts for as long as I can remember. Along with being verbally attacked she gets physical too. All this is only ever at me.

Tonight I asked her for her phone to check it. I don't check it every day as is recommended because she's a sensible kid and has always said she'd be open if anyone messages her out of the norm.

Anyway, she refused to hand it over and was quite vocal about not doing so, so I started to climb her bunk to get said phone. She started kicking me as I got to the top and managed to grab her phone so I jumped down as worried she'd end up kicking me in the stomach (I'm 6m pregnant).
This led her to jumping down off her bed and slapping me and screaming at me. As I tried to unlock her phone she found it quite funny that she had changed her pass code and refused to tell me it so I told her I was cancelling her contract and she can do without a phone at all. Told her she was being rediculous as I'm only trting to keep her safe and protect her.
Another rage ensured where she started throwing things at me (books, pillows, a plate) and started slapping me again (round the face pretty hard at one point)
I regrettably took a menacing step towards her to try and get her to back off and she threw herself onto the floor dramictally (sp) screaming.

I stepped away and went to sit on dd5's bed as she was getting rather upset, DD11 hit me again and said she was running away. I went to follow her and after her turning and throwing something else clipped her round her ear (I know, I actually feel terrible) I ran behind her downstairs to get all the keys out of the door to prevent her from leaving.
She carried on raging threatening to call social services on me and the police to have me put in jail for child abuse.

I told her she needed to take herself off to bed and calm down and I started upstairs to go sooth other DC.
She ran past me to the top and grabbed hold of me and said she was going to push me down the stairs. I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).
She gave me another hard slap around the face and sat in dd5's bed.

I stood at the bedroom door as was worried she'd attack her also. Kept getting told she hates me, neighbours will ring police as they will have heard me shouting etc saying "go on, keep crying and tell everyone how horrible I am and that it's all my fault".

I told her I was extremely disappointed in her behaviour, said how she has more freedom than most 11 year olds and that if she wanted to act like a baby she'd be treated as such. I left the room telling her to get into her own bed and said goodnight and dispite everything she believes I do love her.

She has come downstairs since and apologised saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her and we've had a good chat about how violence isn't definitely not the answer. Had a cuddle and she's gone to bed.

I'm not sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do now. He bloody slaps hurt and my face is throbbing.

I really don't know what to do. She's agreed that she needs some sort of anger management.

I hardly this badly tonight I know I did 😔

OP posts:
Bohonotbojo · 29/05/2019 22:56

I don't think you've done anything that bad from your description. However, having "been prone to violent outbursts" as long as you can remember is not normal or acceptable state of affairs. I think you need to get some family therapy asap. It is not just her problem it is a shared issue. Things likely only to become worse in teen years and with new baby on way.

Wildorchidz · 29/05/2019 23:03

It all sounds dreadful.
Is your 5 year old not hysterical??
Is your partner around ?
I think you need to maybe go to your GP and ask for help for all of you ...

Rtmhwales · 29/05/2019 23:07

Please take away her phone. Her shit behavior needs to have a very clear consequence. I wouldn't be giving it back any time soon either. She can earn it back after a couple months of good behavior.

BenWillbondsPants · 29/05/2019 23:11

No phone.

And you need to go to the GP to talk about how to help your daughter how to understand and control her anger. This is awful for you, but it's awful for her too.

Aus84 · 29/05/2019 23:16

Sounds awful OP but to be fair to her I don't think you handled it well either.

Telling her she is just like her dad, clipping her over the ear, telling her she's acting like a baby. As hard as it is, your the adult and need to be the one to pull back and not take the bait. 11 year olds have so much emotion, most will have outbursts around this age. They need love, not berating. Your arguments go in a tit for tat cycle, she says something negative, you say something negative in return etc etc. I think family counselling might help. At least to get some tips on how to communicate better.

namechanger0064 · 29/05/2019 23:16

My immediate thought was she was hiding something pretty big. I agree. Remove the phone - shocking way to behave and she needs consequences.

Rather than just smoothing things over, can you try and win her trust? Get her to open up about what might have been on the phone? Get her to understand why you're wanting to take a look.

The big issue is the violence. Proper consequence need to be put in place to manage this.

Original poster
AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 23:16

Dd5 is fine and asleep now but I do worry about how this affects her, especially long term.

Phone is indefinitely confiscated and she's not allowed to play out for the foreseeable.
She's been like this once in front of dp, although not as servere, and he went into her after I came to bed crying after she punched me in the face.

You're right, it is awful for her because she doesn't want to behave like this, and she's so remorseful after the event. I will be ringing the gp tomorrow because she has actually agreed to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 23:19

AUS84 I completely agree I handled it badly and I am deeply ashamed of how I do so... And this is mainly the reason for my upset right now.

Saying she is just like her dad shocked me as soon as I said it but I was literally clinging onto the bannister so she couldn't push me down and it was more to try and shock her into realising what she was doing.

As soon as I said it I knew I was in the wrong.

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/05/2019 23:20

I think you were pretty goody to be honest. And once you get into stuff physically with your kids ( like grabbing their phone off them) it can only go downhill.

I’ve got 4 kids and I’ve never ever checked any of their phones. But if that’s what you feel you need to do, then all you have to do is state calmly that it is a condition of them having a phone otherwise you will cancel it, and really mean it, follow through if necessary.

I don’t think you should be telling her she’s like her abusive Addams either.

Really not having a go here OP: I had a shit time when my lot were teens and handled most of it really badly. Just getting to grips with it now with DC4.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/05/2019 23:20

Abusive Dad.

BenWillbondsPants · 29/05/2019 23:20

I will be ringing the gp tomorrow because she has actually agreed to go.

That's great, that's the first step. She might feel so much better when she sees that there is help out there for her and can be given some strategies to use when she starts to feel angry.

It's easy to say you didn't handle it well, but I think we all have times when a situation erupts and afterwards you think 'shit, that wasn't how I wanted that to go'. I certainly have.

Wildorchidz · 29/05/2019 23:21

How long have you been separated from her dad?

Original poster
AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 23:22

A condition of her having a phone was I could have access to it when I asked. That has always been the case.

Please believe me when I say I deeply regret my actions this evening 😔

OP posts:
BenWillbondsPants · 29/05/2019 23:24

I’ve got 4 kids and I’ve never ever checked any of their phones.

I always do and they know I will ask them for their phone at any time. I pay for them.

It's also how I found out that my then 13 year old DS was being threatened by someone in his year group and was too scared to say anything about it.

Original poster
AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 23:25

Myself and her dad have been separated for over 7 years.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 29/05/2019 23:27

You need to seek professional help.

It is totally wrong what you said.i.e
I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).

So she is 11
You have a violent ex
You are pregnant with new? Partner's baby?

Has you dd had My counselling it support?
Have you spoken to a family therapist about her behaviours and sought some advice?
How awful it must be for her to be told she is "Just like your dad"
Please seek k some family therapy to move forward. There seem to be bad dynamics and while your dd may need consequences you need to get to the root of he rd behaviour...seeing her dad push you down stairs will have an impact... it s not her fault her dad is abusive. But get help.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/05/2019 23:28

Aw chin up OP: if you keep trying to make things better then they will get better. I had awful rucks with my lot. Looking back lots of it was about my need to be in control (anxiety related I suspect) and learning to pick my battles helped.

What are you scared about with the phone?

returnofthecat · 29/05/2019 23:29

What's her relationship like with her dad and stepdad?

Fedoratheexploreer · 29/05/2019 23:29

Good on you for getting her the support she needs. How long have you been separated from her dad? Have you checked her phone to see what might have caused this outburst?

Isatis · 29/05/2019 23:29

Sounds awful OP but to be fair to her I don't think you handled it well either.

For goodness sake, OP was under sustained attack and being shouted and screamed at. How many of us would come up with the perfect way of handling that? OP, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews · 29/05/2019 23:32

She is worried about the new baby most likely and her place in the family. Sounds like she thinks she is the family black sheep. Comparing her to abusive ex just adds to her sense she is irreparably 'bad'.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/05/2019 23:32

I think it would be pretty awful to have someone check your phone to be honest, but that’s just my personal view. At what age do you decide to stop checking it? Because frankly, they’re a lot naughtier and crazier at 15/16/17/18 than they are at 11.

cindersrella · 29/05/2019 23:32

I am reading this a really mad and upset for you and you other child/children.

You really do need to take her to see the GP to see if they can give some intervention for this... I hope she isn't been all nicey nicey to get her phone back...

If she has witnessed outburst and violence within your relationship with ex she may need some kind of therapy to help her.... sooner rather than later.

If she is doing this now think what she will do as she gets older 😏

Prtf1345 · 29/05/2019 23:36

You don’t check her phone because she’s a sensible kid?? Really, after the kicking/slapping and punching she doesn’t sound sensible to me.

She doesn’t need a phone at 11. I’ve never known or even heard of this behaviour from an 11 year old

Ohyesiam · 29/05/2019 23:37

O think you did well op.
You both need Support and help here from professionals .