Tonight DD11 attacked me

[AttackedAgain11]

I posted in behaviour and development but I does seem pretty quiet on the board.

I don't know what to do anymore I really don't.

DD11 has been prone to violent outbursts for as long as I can remember. Along with being verbally attacked she gets physical too. All this is only ever at me.

Tonight I asked her for her phone to check it. I don't check it every day as is recommended because she's a sensible kid and has always said she'd be open if anyone messages her out of the norm.

Anyway, she refused to hand it over and was quite vocal about not doing so, so I started to climb her bunk to get said phone. She started kicking me as I got to the top and managed to grab her phone so I jumped down as worried she'd end up kicking me in the stomach (I'm 6m pregnant).
This led her to jumping down off her bed and slapping me and screaming at me. As I tried to unlock her phone she found it quite funny that she had changed her pass code and refused to tell me it so I told her I was cancelling her contract and she can do without a phone at all. Told her she was being rediculous as I'm only trting to keep her safe and protect her.
Another rage ensured where she started throwing things at me (books, pillows, a plate) and started slapping me again (round the face pretty hard at one point)
I regrettably took a menacing step towards her to try and get her to back off and she threw herself onto the floor dramictally (sp) screaming.

I stepped away and went to sit on dd5's bed as she was getting rather upset, DD11 hit me again and said she was running away. I went to follow her and after her turning and throwing something else clipped her round her ear (I know, I actually feel terrible) I ran behind her downstairs to get all the keys out of the door to prevent her from leaving.
She carried on raging threatening to call social services on me and the police to have me put in jail for child abuse.

I told her she needed to take herself off to bed and calm down and I started upstairs to go sooth other DC.
She ran past me to the top and grabbed hold of me and said she was going to push me down the stairs. I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).
She gave me another hard slap around the face and sat in dd5's bed.

I stood at the bedroom door as was worried she'd attack her also. Kept getting told she hates me, neighbours will ring police as they will have heard me shouting etc saying "go on, keep crying and tell everyone how horrible I am and that it's all my fault".

I told her I was extremely disappointed in her behaviour, said how she has more freedom than most 11 year olds and that if she wanted to act like a baby she'd be treated as such. I left the room telling her to get into her own bed and said goodnight and dispite everything she believes I do love her.

She has come downstairs since and apologised saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her and we've had a good chat about how violence isn't definitely not the answer. Had a cuddle and she's gone to bed.

I'm not sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do now. He bloody slaps hurt and my face is throbbing.

I really don't know what to do. She's agreed that she needs some sort of anger management.

I hardly this badly tonight I know I did 😔

She's been through an awful lot for an 11 year old. She may 'present' as sensible but her life sounds like it's been turbulent and I wouldn't underestimate witnessing her Dad being violent, a new step father and the effect that all that has had on her. Good that you are getting her some help.

Top tip, use the teenagers/preteen boards on here for issues with older kids. A few folk expressing horror on here are doing the equivalent of claiming their babies will not be allowed to have toddler tantrums and continue to eat avocado!

You are doing the right thing by seeing the gp😀

You can't continue to parent children through the power imbalance of being the adult. That just invites the child to push the boundaries and find out when they are old and powerful enough to ignore you. It's basically parenting your child through intimidation 'give it to me or I'll take it off you'.

It's much more helpful to achieve things through consensus. 'Remember we said I'd need to check your phone regularly to keep you safe?' 'How about we sit down together, you open it up and then we have a look.' 'Is there anything worrying you, I might be able to help with?'

That 'drawing the line' parenting usually works when they are toddlers, and for some children carries on working right the way through. For lots of children though, a cooperative approach is much more effective.

Don't worry about checking her phone. That is good practise and it is always recommended on safeguarding courses. You gradually reduce it as they get older and mature more. It's a very normal and a very sensible thing to be doing, especially as children get phones from younger ages - often from before reaching secondary. It really should be a condition of these younger children/young teens having a phone and having social media.

It's something we always retained the right to do with Dd. She's 17y now and we don't check her phone any more and haven't for a long long time. However she had a phone from being 11y and social media from a little after that, so as responsible parents we needed to retain the right to keep an eye on her and who she was talking to. We've also kept an open chat about online safety.

She's never given us any concerns where we need to, as an older teen. Though ultimately it is our contract and we pay for it - so still Dd knows we could if we were concerned about her. It's a mutual respect though.

It does concern me when some parents have no idea what their children are up to online. Some of it is shocking and some is chilling. The most recent online safety course I did was really eye opening as to the ages involved.

growing up.learning the beahviour from her dad,seeing what it did would have confused,upset and devastated her. also how should she act when in emotional states when all we do is copy our parents? that wih the other things going on right now.her age,the baby,seeing less of her dad its all compiling.and i do think this is an emotional mental health issue rathr than just a shitty kid being a violant horror.there is clearly explantions behind her outburst.that doesnt make it right but...
it does mean she can get help though.to seperate her thoughts from the actions and also get some advice on how to deal with what she is feeling.
but your doing to have to push.mental health care is shockingly shit.it takes the family and it take time and stregnth to get through and get help.
have you talked to her about what you might do 'together' when she feels the anger coming.this shows you understand its an outburst of her feelings but means you need to find new ways to deal with it but she is not alone.so could she say a buzz word.or go to a certain place in the house.if she is finding herself overhwlemed could she leave you a note with a symbol on it.these are all things we have had which helped.in the middle of the rage say if she suddenly screams at her loudest fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.and either you then know or even join in.(this one helped lots when everyone got on board) and things soon fizzzled and calmed.
have you ever talked to her about how seeing her dad hurt you made or feel.and then vice versa(age appropriate of course)
she will be really scared getting help.that first step is always the hardest.good luck.

growing up.learning the beahviour from her dad,seeing what it did would have confused,upset and devastated her. also how should she act when in emotional states when all we do is copy our parents? that wih the other things going on right now.her age,the baby,seeing less of her dad its all compiling.and i do think this is an emotional mental health issue rathr than just a shitty kid being a violant horror.there is clearly explantions behind her outburst.that doesnt make it right but...
it does mean she can get help though.to seperate her thoughts from the actions and also get some advice on how to deal with what she is feeling.
but your doing to have to push.mental health care is shockingly shit.it takes the family and it take time and stregnth to get through and get help.
have you talked to her about what you might do 'together' when she feels the anger coming.this shows you understand its an outburst of her feelings but means you need to find new ways to deal with it but she is not alone.so could she say a buzz word.or go to a certain place in the house.if she is finding herself overhwlemed could she leave you a note with a symbol on it.these are all things we have had which helped.in the middle of the rage say if she suddenly screams at her loudest fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.and either you then know or even join in.(this one helped lots when everyone got on board) and things soon fizzzled and calmed.
have you ever talked to her about how seeing her dad hurt you made or feel.and then vice versa(age appropriate of course)
she will be really scared getting help.that first step is always the hardest.good luck.

growing up.learning the beahviour from her dad,seeing what it did would have confused,upset and devastated her. also how should she act when in emotional states when all we do is copy our parents? that wih the other things going on right now.her age,the baby,seeing less of her dad its all compiling.and i do think this is an emotional mental health issue rathr than just a shitty kid being a violant horror.there is clearly explantions behind her outburst.that doesnt make it right but...
it does mean she can get help though.to seperate her thoughts from the actions and also get some advice on how to deal with what she is feeling.
but your doing to have to push.mental health care is shockingly shit.it takes the family and it take time and stregnth to get through and get help.
have you talked to her about what you might do 'together' when she feels the anger coming.this shows you understand its an outburst of her feelings but means you need to find new ways to deal with it but she is not alone.so could she say a buzz word.or go to a certain place in the house.if she is finding herself overhwlemed could she leave you a note with a symbol on it.these are all things we have had which helped.in the middle of the rage say if she suddenly screams at her loudest fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.and either you then know or even join in.(this one helped lots when everyone got on board) and things soon fizzzled and calmed.
have you ever talked to her about how seeing her dad hurt you made or feel.and then vice versa(age appropriate of course)
she will be really scared getting help.that first step is always the hardest.good luck.

growing up.learning the beahviour from her dad,seeing what it did would have confused,upset and devastated her. also how should she act when in emotional states when all we do is copy our parents? that wih the other things going on right now.her age,the baby,seeing less of her dad its all compiling.and i do think this is an emotional mental health issue rathr than just a shitty kid being a violant horror.there is clearly explantions behind her outburst.that doesnt make it right but...
it does mean she can get help though.to seperate her thoughts from the actions and also get some advice on how to deal with what she is feeling.
but your doing to have to push.mental health care is shockingly shit.it takes the family and it take time and stregnth to get through and get help.
have you talked to her about what you might do 'together' when she feels the anger coming.this shows you understand its an outburst of her feelings but means you need to find new ways to deal with it but she is not alone.so could she say a buzz word.or go to a certain place in the house.if she is finding herself overhwlemed could she leave you a note with a symbol on it.these are all things we have had which helped.in the middle of the rage say if she suddenly screams at her loudest fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.and either you then know or even join in.(this one helped lots when everyone got on board) and things soon fizzzled and calmed.
have you ever talked to her about how seeing her dad hurt you made or feel.and then vice versa(age appropriate of course)
she will be really scared getting help.that first step is always the hardest.good luck.

I think your daughter may need some counselling to help her learn to cope with her emotions safely. Children who have witnessed domestic abuse often need help in this area.

Barnardos might be a good place to start.

www.barnardos.org.uk/what-we-do/helping-families/domestic-abuse

Some schools can access counselling too. Has she started secondary this year?

Well done for seeking help
Do follow thru.
CAMHS and a
Family therapist can be really helpful.for her and for you and new partner as well to have strategies. But do try and tell gp how urgent it is. New baby may cause new anxieties.

And the book "how to talk so teens will listen "
Is good

Thank you for all your replies. I think it's pretty well established that I handled the whole situation badly, I've held my hands up to that right from the start.

DD is still in her room and I'm awaiting a call back from the gp to set things in motion for the both of us.

Thank you again.

Do push your GP for a counselling selling referral OP, in fact in my area I believe it's accessed via self referral so you may be able to get the ball rolling yourself. Clearly your DD needs urgent assessment; you are pregnant and she was unable to control herself which is a dangerous thing for both you and for herself. You are doing the right thing for her to support her in getting external help for this .

Do you think she may be addicted to her mobile phone hence the extreme reaction? Or hiding something specific on it perhaps. I do think at 11 the phone should be regularly checked and it agreed that you are able to get access. If she cannot comply I'd not let her have one, she's very young and clearly vulnerable. for you both.

I don't think you handled it badly considering the circumstances. Anyone who says they would just stand there calmly whilst being slapped around the face multiple times is lying tbh.
Good luck OP, hopefully this is a turning point for you all

Could it be hormones or puberty? It can bring massive rage along with it

I wouldn't expect too much from the GP. CAMHS are overrun and may well have no resources to offer. Talk to her school pastoral team, and try Barnardos.

OP, when you feel guilty for what you said to her, remember that you were protecting your unborn baby, and that your daughter would be feeling a lot worse today and for the rest of her life if you hadn't stopped her from seriously injuring (or worse) you and your baby.

You've acknowledged it's wrong and apologised now, which is more than I ever got when my mum used to say I was just like my dad and his family! Different circumstances, but it's not an uncommon thing for parents to say. Chin up.

Bless you op this sounds really hard. Well done for seeing your own faults and seeking help. You could definitley do with some support in place before your baby is born

Oh and i have an 11 year old, i check his phone a couple of times a week. He knew this was the deal before he got it and yes if he wouldnt allow me to check it he would have it confiscated

Geeze - you're a human being and you're doing the best you can! Don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like a really caring mum! None of us are perfect - despite what some would like you to think about them on Mumsnet. None of us! It's just not possible. Life is not instagram. Give yourself a break! You are getting some help for your daughter! GOOD FOR YOU!!! I'll bet you're not getting any for yourself, while your'e at it!!! God knows, you've been through the wringer, too. Big hugs!!!

Wtf? You were slapping the 11 year old about in front of the 5 year old? It all sounds very chaotic

Things will get better, OP. The fact that you are concerned and giving serious thought to all this sets you apart from many. Take heart and don't be dragged down by the negatives comments.

Wtf? You were slapping the 11 year old about in front of the 5 year old?

I think you’ll find it was the 11 year old slapping the OP.

OP, you must really stop blaming yourself for this hideous incident.

Your 11 yo sounds utterly vile, how dare she strike you and threaten to push you down the stairs? A PP skittlesandbeer called it right when she said you don't give your children the right to assault you just because you gave birth to them.

All the hot air about the phone isn't relevant, in my view, if her instinct is to physically strike HER MOTHER when you make a reasonable request, that instinct will be there on many other occasions as well.

Yes she needs therapy. She may also need intervention by other agencies, both to protect you and your other children.

She sounds highly manipulative also, all the hugging and I love you just sounds like a ruse to get her phone back.

I'm really sorry you've experienced this, even more sorry that this could dog you for years. Many posters above have talked about even more harrowing assaults as years go by and children get older and stronger.

You absolutely should not take this on as your fault, she will take advantage of that and next time it will be worse. Could she go and live with her other parent? Does she have any relationship with him?

Send violent child to live with violent father?
Umm no.
Get some therapy for her.
Psychologists and behaviour support.
They can help unpick what s going on. And how to move forward.