Tonight DD11 attacked me

[AttackedAgain11]

I posted in behaviour and development but I does seem pretty quiet on the board.

I don't know what to do anymore I really don't.

DD11 has been prone to violent outbursts for as long as I can remember. Along with being verbally attacked she gets physical too. All this is only ever at me.

Tonight I asked her for her phone to check it. I don't check it every day as is recommended because she's a sensible kid and has always said she'd be open if anyone messages her out of the norm.

Anyway, she refused to hand it over and was quite vocal about not doing so, so I started to climb her bunk to get said phone. She started kicking me as I got to the top and managed to grab her phone so I jumped down as worried she'd end up kicking me in the stomach (I'm 6m pregnant).
This led her to jumping down off her bed and slapping me and screaming at me. As I tried to unlock her phone she found it quite funny that she had changed her pass code and refused to tell me it so I told her I was cancelling her contract and she can do without a phone at all. Told her she was being rediculous as I'm only trting to keep her safe and protect her.
Another rage ensured where she started throwing things at me (books, pillows, a plate) and started slapping me again (round the face pretty hard at one point)
I regrettably took a menacing step towards her to try and get her to back off and she threw herself onto the floor dramictally (sp) screaming.

I stepped away and went to sit on dd5's bed as she was getting rather upset, DD11 hit me again and said she was running away. I went to follow her and after her turning and throwing something else clipped her round her ear (I know, I actually feel terrible) I ran behind her downstairs to get all the keys out of the door to prevent her from leaving.
She carried on raging threatening to call social services on me and the police to have me put in jail for child abuse.

I told her she needed to take herself off to bed and calm down and I started upstairs to go sooth other DC.
She ran past me to the top and grabbed hold of me and said she was going to push me down the stairs. I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).
She gave me another hard slap around the face and sat in dd5's bed.

I stood at the bedroom door as was worried she'd attack her also. Kept getting told she hates me, neighbours will ring police as they will have heard me shouting etc saying "go on, keep crying and tell everyone how horrible I am and that it's all my fault".

I told her I was extremely disappointed in her behaviour, said how she has more freedom than most 11 year olds and that if she wanted to act like a baby she'd be treated as such. I left the room telling her to get into her own bed and said goodnight and dispite everything she believes I do love her.

She has come downstairs since and apologised saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her and we've had a good chat about how violence isn't definitely not the answer. Had a cuddle and she's gone to bed.

I'm not sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do now. He bloody slaps hurt and my face is throbbing.

I really don't know what to do. She's agreed that she needs some sort of anger management.

I hardly this badly tonight I know I did 😔

You have every right to check her phone, imagine if this whole thing was because she's speaking to someone who is making her feel good about herself but is a lot older and inappropriate, the tantrum, because that's what it was maybe to stop you discovering that??

I think it would be wise to sit down with her and explain to her that even if lots of things have happened in her life that have caused her to feel sad or mixed up there are other, socially acceptable, ways of expressing her feelings. Anger and violence are not acceptable regardless of how she feels as you may be willing to turn a blind eye to it but if anything had happened to the baby you are carrying then I'm afraid the consequences of her actions would have been taken out of your hands.

And that's the thing, it's all well and good saying you'd never involve the authorities but at some point, especially if it's happening in front of your other children, this decision might not be yours to make. If your younger child described to a teacher what you've described on here the teacher would have to report it to the relevant authority.

So make her understand this. It's all well and good blaming children's behaviour on broken relationships and things that have happened in the past but society won't take that into account and at some point she may, if things don't change end up being prosecuted fir lashing out like she did.

I’ve got 4 kids and I’ve never ever checked any of their phones

Well more fool you then.

The op checking her dds phone is not the issue. It's a standard thing many parents do.

The op may also have consequences for lashing out at a child...

If you follow this logic

"If things don't change end up being prosecuted fir lashing out like she did."

Parents adults need to seek help behaviour strategies CAMHS if child is violent. Threat of prosecution isn't going to change behaviour...

And don't forget this is a child who witnessed domestic abuse and violence

www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/domestic-violence-and-abuse-effects-on-children

Hey OP hugs from me as the mum of a 10 year old DD who is frequently violent (due to SN). It is VERY difficult dealing with violence from someone you love and want to protect so absolutely no judgement here. Yay for sorting out the GP and do focus on counselling/anger management/CAHMS and grab everything offered. TBH I know you said you didn't want to get SS involved but they may well be a useful route to get more help.

You say your DD has always been a bit violent - is this post your ex, or before? Just thinking about if it is a result of his behaviour or any SN.

Meantime while you are waiting for GP help I recommend this book.

Good luck OP, keep posting and if you want to chat let me know xx

@attackedagain11 when you checked the phone was it really worth all the hassle. If you check it every other day and haven't found anything why do it at bed time wait until she is sleeping and take the phone to avoid the conflict the next time. If she has code changed tell her she can have it back when she gives you the code as agreed.

These conflicts at bed time are no good for anyone.

There is another thread Holding onto the rope in the teenager section you might find some help in there and it is good to have a rant on that page. You are not alone with these tantrums and well done to both of you for agreeing to go to gp hope you get her some help.

I find when I handle an issue more calm things go easier.

All those suggesting therapy- I don't know if you mean CAMHS, but if you do, unfortunately, this situation is very unlikely to meet threshold. It may not feel like it to the OP, but they will say DD's behaviour is within the realms of normal, especially as DD shows remorse and recognises that it is wrong.

OP, I'd recommend reading Non-Violent Resistance. I think the method could be helpful for your DD, and for you as it would put you back in control.

OP the minute people get physical it always escalates. I would never have climbed up onto the bunk to start with. I would have calmly told her that the phone is a privilege she has under an agreement that you can look at it. I’d explain why you needed to look at it that it was for her own safety etc and advise her that if it was not downstairs within the hour the contract would be terminated. Then walk away. Stick to terminating contract if she doesn’t comply with the rules.

When she’s calmer you need to have a conversation about mutual respect and how you’re trying to keep her safe etc.

However at the same time kids do know how to push buttons and when you’re being subjected to a physical attack and pregnant it’s is not going to be easy to stay calm so you need to stop beating yourself up about that. It’s understandable. Not condoneable but understandable.

You both need to talk and see if you can come up with a contract of mutual respect. It sounds a bit lefty clap trap but does seem to work.

Hand her the phone and tell her to phone childline herself and tell them her mum said to call them and that you're standing right beside her .

Honestly do it. Then phone the police and tell them your daughter has attached you and that you are pregnant.

Cancel the phone. She has lost your trust. She needs some serious therapy. This kind of rage and violence will get her into severe trouble at some point.

Now why was my comment removed? It was not abusive, offensive or racist, it was the truth coming from a parent who has had to deal with rotten spilt behaviour in the past.

Spoilt not spilt

I didn't see your comment that was removed morally.

To the person who said I was repeated slapping my child, please take time to read my post, I clipped her round the ear, and actually missed, she was the one doing to slapping!

An update, we have been to the gp this morning and some things have come to light (some minor self harming) but dd doesn't understand why she has done it or why she has been behaving like she has. We have been referred to family and children's wellness services so hopefully we'll all be getting the support we need.

I know I definitely need support in how to manage her behaviour because yes, I have been struggling with it.

Thank you again to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

OP, much sympathy sometimes parenting is so hard.
i hope you do get some support.

In the meantime, have a think about phone boundaries.
All phones have to be downstairs on charge overnight here. My dds secondary school actually asks all parents to do that, as they say most social media issues seem to escalate late at night.
Make it a condition of having a phone that you have her password, if she changes the password, phone is removed for 1 month (for example) and that it is downstairs (or in your room) overnight.
Then you can check it when you want too.
It is important to get the phone boundaries in when they are 11, as it gets harder with phones!

In terms of her being violent. In my experience, the best thing is to remove yourself from the situation and refuse to discuss or comment until they have calmed down. That may mean that (in this case) the issue with phone is postponed, but you can deal with that tomorrow.
Once violence starts, remove you, and if necessary dd2 from the scene and refuse to engage. Once she has calmed down, impose sanctions for her violence, and also sanctions for original offence, eg not handing phone over.

I’m glad you’ve been referred, Op, and I hope things start to improve.

Well done for reaching out for support.
It seems clear she needs a space to speak to a professional and you can ask for strategies too

I'd have smacked her too tbh. I don't condone physical punishment... but when being physically attacked by a nearly adult sized person it gives them a lot of power thinking you can't hit back or defend yourself. She'd have gotten a sharp slap after the first slap she gave me.

She needs to realise you're a human with just as important an interior self as her.

Def take her to counselling. I'd let her play out though - it's good for her to be outside rather than watching Tv or on the computer.

Sorry just seen this has progressed

Self defence yes learn some techniques
Restraint if you learnt the techniques
Fighting back? Tit for tat? No.

As said above
Once violence starts, remove you, and if necessary dd2 from the scene and refuse to engage.

I have Foster DD(9) who is prone to violent outbursts. I have handled the situations badly too. What you describe is similar to the type of approach I might have taken, but I try not to.
Here are some things I try.
Don't go in to grab something off her as it will often provoke this type of response. Use your brain. You have more power than her. Give her an ultimatum as to what will happen if she doesn't do as you say.
Take your time to think about how best to get the upper hand without provoking her.
If you end up in this type of situation (as it will still happen), back off. Do not persue her or back her into a corner. Let her walk out of the house. She'll come back soon anyway. The fresh air and space will do her good.

You are doing exactly the right thing by talking afterwards and reminding her you love her.