Tonight DD11 attacked me

[AttackedAgain11]

I posted in behaviour and development but I does seem pretty quiet on the board.

I don't know what to do anymore I really don't.

DD11 has been prone to violent outbursts for as long as I can remember. Along with being verbally attacked she gets physical too. All this is only ever at me.

Tonight I asked her for her phone to check it. I don't check it every day as is recommended because she's a sensible kid and has always said she'd be open if anyone messages her out of the norm.

Anyway, she refused to hand it over and was quite vocal about not doing so, so I started to climb her bunk to get said phone. She started kicking me as I got to the top and managed to grab her phone so I jumped down as worried she'd end up kicking me in the stomach (I'm 6m pregnant).
This led her to jumping down off her bed and slapping me and screaming at me. As I tried to unlock her phone she found it quite funny that she had changed her pass code and refused to tell me it so I told her I was cancelling her contract and she can do without a phone at all. Told her she was being rediculous as I'm only trting to keep her safe and protect her.
Another rage ensured where she started throwing things at me (books, pillows, a plate) and started slapping me again (round the face pretty hard at one point)
I regrettably took a menacing step towards her to try and get her to back off and she threw herself onto the floor dramictally (sp) screaming.

I stepped away and went to sit on dd5's bed as she was getting rather upset, DD11 hit me again and said she was running away. I went to follow her and after her turning and throwing something else clipped her round her ear (I know, I actually feel terrible) I ran behind her downstairs to get all the keys out of the door to prevent her from leaving.
She carried on raging threatening to call social services on me and the police to have me put in jail for child abuse.

I told her she needed to take herself off to bed and calm down and I started upstairs to go sooth other DC.
She ran past me to the top and grabbed hold of me and said she was going to push me down the stairs. I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).
She gave me another hard slap around the face and sat in dd5's bed.

I stood at the bedroom door as was worried she'd attack her also. Kept getting told she hates me, neighbours will ring police as they will have heard me shouting etc saying "go on, keep crying and tell everyone how horrible I am and that it's all my fault".

I told her I was extremely disappointed in her behaviour, said how she has more freedom than most 11 year olds and that if she wanted to act like a baby she'd be treated as such. I left the room telling her to get into her own bed and said goodnight and dispite everything she believes I do love her.

She has come downstairs since and apologised saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her and we've had a good chat about how violence isn't definitely not the answer. Had a cuddle and she's gone to bed.

I'm not sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do now. He bloody slaps hurt and my face is throbbing.

I really don't know what to do. She's agreed that she needs some sort of anger management.

I hardly this badly tonight I know I did 😔

It takes practice to remain calm under the circumstances.

think through the triggers, how you could have handled it differently right at the beginning to try and stop it escalating next time?

no phones in bed?
clear consequences if the phone is not handed over?

certainly no phone for the foreseeable, thouhg letting her out to play if she is sensible might help to get rid of energy, though possibly only in the garden?

good luck at the GP.

OP I will say in your defence she is 11 yes however you do not deserve this behaviour towards you, your partner, daughter or unborn child.

As human beings we can only take so much. I have an 8 year old and she can push my buttons so can my 4 year old...

Who knows how they would react really when the have been hit round the face, kicked screamed at...

You definitely have to be able to check an 11yos phone. Don’t beat yourself up op, it sounds very stressful and if I were worried about being pushed down the stairs at 6mo preg I wouldn’t make my best decisions either. Keep phone and take her to the Gp. In the interim try and draw her out on what was on the phone / get her password.

Just want to reiterate I completely agree I was 100% in the wrong tonight, especially saying she was just like her dad and I have apologised and told her I really didn't mean it and that it was said in anger. Just like when she said something horrible to me the last time she was like this. I can't say it enough how wrong and ashamed of it I am.

She gets on OK with her dad, but she expresses less and less to go and see him.
She has a very good relationship with her step dad.

I check her phone because, well I am her mum and I pay her bill and she is 11 years old so I like to keep an eye on what apps she has, who's in contact with her etc...... I thought this was a pretty normal thing to do when a child has a phone, maybe that is something else I have wrong.

@Prtf1345 I don't check her phone as often as when she first got it because yes, apart from these outbursts she does present as pretty sensible.

I don't think checking a phone is great because if she's texting friends moaning about you then she's not going to want you to see that (or whatever it is) - but is it really essential for her to have a phone? 11 is young

I feel for your DD, sounds an emotionally turbulent time and you're pregnant now again and she may well be feeling really pushed out, something from the past that doesn't belong in your new family now, and really needs your time, affection, belief in her and trust and so on. I also feel for you and how awful it is to have a child that attacks you, and as much as we know not to say things they can slip out, we're human too. I think I'd try and sit down 1 on 1 with her and properly listen to how she's feeling at the moment, offer reassurance, hug, apologise for comparing her to her dad, but keep the phone.

OP, people will pile on here to blame you.

That's not always that helpful long term, and given the age of DD, derailing advice is a danger to everyone.

Psychiatrist referral from the GP soonest - if you can afford a baby, you can afford to go private for a couple of family therapy sessions.

DD may be apprehensive about the new arrival, but beating a pregnant woman up won't help - and it's not an excuse. Neither are 'hormones'.

No phone, and she sees a psych before she gets a new one. Be calm when you tell her this - don't be alone together.

Just been up to the loo and ds has poked his head round the door to ask if I'm OK. Bless him.

I feel for all 3 of them because obviously I'm doing something wrong.

No OP, monitoring your child's phone is perfectly normal and responsible. Please keep doing it if she keeps her phone privileges.

Don’t be ashamed OP shit happens.

What matters right now is how you deal with this. Obviously something has troubled her deeply.

I’d take the phone off her for a good while. And make sure you get the password or no phone ever. But I’d throw everything in to love bombing her and finding out why she lashes out. When she wakes up in the morning cuddle her tight.

Is she hiding something?
As something happened to her?
Is it down to your parenting style?
How did she get onwhen you split with ex?
Did she see violence?
How us she in school?

Lots of things to look at and try and find a path through this

She wants to go speak to someone because she has said she doesn't know why she does this and why she gets so angry.

We sit together often to chat about things and there's always an opportunity to chat about anything at all.

I'd this was just a recent thing then yes I would agree it being apprehension about new baby but it's been years and agre with someone that I could potentially stem from her unfortunately seeing ex being abusive.

No you didn't handle it brilliantly but neither would I have done, I doubt many people could have dealt with that in a perfect way. I have a child with autism who attacks me, sometimes in public and no matter how hard I try to be understanding sometimes the humiliation and anger comes very close to the surface. Are you sure she's NT, has there ever been any signs of anything else going on? Possible additional needs because she sound just like my dd when she gets going.

Get her booked in some where ASAP sounds like she is ready to talk about something

TinklyLittleLaugh I discovered a paedophile had contacted my vulnerable DD because I checked her phone each night.

Ive also nipped bullying in the bud and picked up in other issues.

Only an absolute moron would allow their child to have unsupervised access to the huge world of the internet.

Op, you reacted to the situation. No one can be expected to give a perfect response to being repeatedly hit in the face.

Be kind to yourself.........and ignore the posters trying to kick someone who's already down. It's done now, the important thing is that you move forward from it.

She has asked me what's going to happen tomorrow. I've told her I'll ring to get her booked into see the gp and she nodded and said OK. We've had another cuddle and I've told her how much I love her, and apologised again

I thought you were very patient and handled it well in the face of severe provocation. I would have lost my temper completely and that phone would have been toast. You really have to get control because the teenage years are fast approaching. Well done for getting her to agree to see the GP.

Anger management sounds like the right way forward for her, and also for you. I'm not excusing her bahviour, but taking a menancing step towards her, climbing up to her bunk, throwing stuff at her, blocking the door and telling her she's just like your (violent) ex is not going to calm an inflamed situation. I don't know where you can access this kind of support - school pastoral team?, GP? Children's centre? but I think that it's great that you're looking for a solution.
I hope things continue calmly and you manage to find out why she was so reluctant to let you check her phone. I certainly would confiscate it if that isn't cleared up.

Those who say the Op shouldn’t check the phone need to give their heads a wobble - dd is 11. I still check my 14-year-old’s.
And for those criticising the way Op reacted - she’s heavily pregnant and was being assaulted. No, it wasn’t ideal but as a pp said, who would have reacted in an ideal way in that situation?
Op, my dd, 17, has just been to court again for assaulting me by punching me on the arm and slapping me across the face.
As your dd is aged over ten, you can report her and she can be arrested and charged. Will it stop her going it again? It didn’t with my dd.
And social services will be notified and there is a risk your baby could be taken into care so think carefully.
There is another thread I’m on which has some useful advice about cases in which parents are assaulted by their children. I don’t know how to link, sorry, but if you search my username you should be able to find it that way.
for you because this is a shitty situation.
And I wouldn’t be giving the phone back anytime soon and not then until it had been thoroughly checked.

Full sympathy for you, OP.

No reason to beat yourself up. You’d have to be super-human not to react while you’re being hit and having you and your baby’s life threatened. Whoever it is. In those situations our survival can depend on finding something to say that will shut down the violence. Your brain did what it could to protect you.

Now that things have calmed down, you’re planning steps to get her the help she really needs. Now she can be your top priority. That’s as it should be.

No-where in parenting theory does it say ‘Make sure you leave yourself open to serious injury from your child, after all, you gave up your right to be human or try for self-preservation when you gave birth.’

I think you’re allowed to feel a bit sorry for yourself, it was a horrible incident on many levels, but don’t feel guilty. It won’t help with the next steps. Like being very firm about putting that phone off-site for a very long time. And getting the passcode cracked (making her pay for it). Either there’s something on that phone that has scared her into this overreaction, and/or she has serious emotional issues. Finding out which will allow you to help her better.

Be careful with her sudden change to cuddles and apologies. That worries me. And it will worry your other kids too.

Good luck, and get some ice on that cheek.

Oh Op you tried to deal with an impossibly difficult situation. Don’t doubt yourself about checking her phone it’s absolutely what you should be doing.

Being 6 months pregnant, with younger children in bed and sustaining a prolonged aggressive argument and physical attack you reacted to try to stop it. Of course you feel awful, it’s because you’re a caring mum.

Your dd needs help, she needs more effective behaviour strategies. There isn’t an easy solution or a perfect parenting book that’ll solve this. But if your dd wants to engage in getting help that’s a really positive sign.

Try and get some sleep.

@Tavannach I didn't throw anything at her, at all. It was her that was doing the throwing.

Maybe I’m cynical, but I suspect she was asking what her chances were of getting the phone back, not so much how was she going to enter therapy or make things up to you for her atrocious behaviour.

Sorry. I think her penitent mask will slip off once she realises the phone is off the table.

Don’t beat yourself up. Yes, you may choose to handle it differently with the benefit of hindsight but ignore the criticism from the oh so perfect parents on here. I would challenge any of these paragons of virtue who are sooooo calm and sooooo rational to act impeccably while being smacked repeatedly around the face and pushed down the stairs. Easy to be perfect from the comfort of your own armchair.

I would never ever contact the police regarding dd. Not because of social services, but because there's obviously an underlying reason as to why she behaves like this and I'm her mum and I'd bloody lay my life down for her to be happy.
😔😔

So sorry, I completely misread it. She sounds very troubled. Some kind of therapy to help her deal with turbulent emotions will help.