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Original poster

Tonight DD11 attacked me

146 replies

AttackedAgain11 · 29/05/2019 22:52

I posted in behaviour and development but I does seem pretty quiet on the board.

I don't know what to do anymore I really don't.

DD11 has been prone to violent outbursts for as long as I can remember. Along with being verbally attacked she gets physical too. All this is only ever at me.

Tonight I asked her for her phone to check it. I don't check it every day as is recommended because she's a sensible kid and has always said she'd be open if anyone messages her out of the norm.

Anyway, she refused to hand it over and was quite vocal about not doing so, so I started to climb her bunk to get said phone. She started kicking me as I got to the top and managed to grab her phone so I jumped down as worried she'd end up kicking me in the stomach (I'm 6m pregnant).
This led her to jumping down off her bed and slapping me and screaming at me. As I tried to unlock her phone she found it quite funny that she had changed her pass code and refused to tell me it so I told her I was cancelling her contract and she can do without a phone at all. Told her she was being rediculous as I'm only trting to keep her safe and protect her.
Another rage ensured where she started throwing things at me (books, pillows, a plate) and started slapping me again (round the face pretty hard at one point)
I regrettably took a menacing step towards her to try and get her to back off and she threw herself onto the floor dramictally (sp) screaming.

I stepped away and went to sit on dd5's bed as she was getting rather upset, DD11 hit me again and said she was running away. I went to follow her and after her turning and throwing something else clipped her round her ear (I know, I actually feel terrible) I ran behind her downstairs to get all the keys out of the door to prevent her from leaving.
She carried on raging threatening to call social services on me and the police to have me put in jail for child abuse.

I told her she needed to take herself off to bed and calm down and I started upstairs to go sooth other DC.
She ran past me to the top and grabbed hold of me and said she was going to push me down the stairs. I replied with "go on, acting just like your dad" (he's my ex and once pushed me down the stairs when pregnant).
She gave me another hard slap around the face and sat in dd5's bed.

I stood at the bedroom door as was worried she'd attack her also. Kept getting told she hates me, neighbours will ring police as they will have heard me shouting etc saying "go on, keep crying and tell everyone how horrible I am and that it's all my fault".

I told her I was extremely disappointed in her behaviour, said how she has more freedom than most 11 year olds and that if she wanted to act like a baby she'd be treated as such. I left the room telling her to get into her own bed and said goodnight and dispite everything she believes I do love her.

She has come downstairs since and apologised saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her and we've had a good chat about how violence isn't definitely not the answer. Had a cuddle and she's gone to bed.

I'm not sat on the sofa sobbing my heart out not knowing what to do now. He bloody slaps hurt and my face is throbbing.

I really don't know what to do. She's agreed that she needs some sort of anger management.

I hardly this badly tonight I know I did 😔

OP posts:

IWantMyHatBack · 30/05/2019 00:03

If my 11yo behaved like this I'd put them on the floor (safe hold, don't worry)

Don't feel too bad, you did what you could at the time.
No phone for her for a while though!

Papergirl1968 · 30/05/2019 00:03

Oh, that other thread is called Children Abusing Parents, posted in the relationships section on 19th May.
Well done for giving her a hug, by the way. She’s probably frightened of her anger and worried about what’s going to happen.
But do get some help because this needs sorting before she gets bigger and stronger.
Just how to sort it is the issue and there are no easy answers.

Original poster

AttackedAgain11 · 30/05/2019 00:05

Papergirl, thank you. I will make sure to give that thread a read tomorrow.

OP posts:

IWantMyHatBack · 30/05/2019 00:06

OK, read the more recent posts.. Being worried etc doesn't excuse

When I say 'put on the floor' I just mean safely restrain/stop, to prevent injury of anybody present, to be clear

Tippexy · 30/05/2019 00:08

Am I missing something? Why is she the one who needs to go to the GP? Why is her behaviour being pathologised?

Her behaviour is a reaction to her environment.

You are the one who needs the support from the GP.

Original poster

AttackedAgain11 · 30/05/2019 00:08

Iwantmyhatback I get what you meant, but if I'd have done that I feel that may have opened me up to more physical assault.

OP posts:

Soola · 30/05/2019 00:09

Hope you’re ok op, confrontation like that is very stressful. It’s no point dwelling on it as it’s over now and you cannot change what happened.

Everyone has a breaking point and unfortunately our children know how to push the right buttons.

I think getting your daughter to speak about her feelings to a counsellor or childbirth psychiatrist will help and also for you both to have some family therapy together to help sort your issues out.

Problem is this kind of help can often be difficult to get it there are long waiting times or only a limited amount of sessions.

Soola · 30/05/2019 00:09

Childbirth? I meant children’s!

cheesemongery · 30/05/2019 00:10

Get help now. From the school, from CS - from anywhere you can get it. I speak from experience the violence escalated over the years and my bones were broken. Speak up - shout loud! You have a baby on the way. This is nothing to be ashamed of and brushing under carpet solves nothing. Shout from the rooftops and don't stop until somebody listens and helps.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/05/2019 00:10

Well not checking their phones has worked for me. If they have had issues they have confided in me or their dad so I haven’t had any need to spy on them.

Mine were all in high school and sensible before they got phones though.

Do you all read their diaries too and bug their rooms?

IWantMyHatBack · 30/05/2019 00:12

Sorry I didn't mean in a critical way, more in a self protective way.

Sorry you're going through this

Papergirl1968 · 30/05/2019 00:14

Thinking about it, I used to contain my dd, when she was in a rage at that age. Contain rather than restrain worked better for us. If I could get her on the floor at the end of her bed, with the wall to one side and me sitting on the bed blocking her in with my legs, there was no way out and she’d usually calm down. Again though, it didn’t work long term and after a year of leaving home and returning several times, I think this time I won’t be having her back.
She’s nearly 18 and I’ve been her punchbag for years.

justilou1 · 30/05/2019 00:14

Have you got her passcode yet? I’m interested in what she’s hiding? Perhaps she’s had some kind of contact from her father that she doesn’t want you to know about, or a boy, etc... definitely worth checking everything. Her reaction was extreme.

Original poster

AttackedAgain11 · 30/05/2019 00:16

He friend let slip a couple of weeks back that dd had a boyfriend but they weren't together anymore, could be that I guess.

Could just be the fact that she deserves privacy.

I'm definitely going to seek help for myself also to try and parent better in future.

OP posts:

Original poster

AttackedAgain11 · 30/05/2019 00:18

I don't have her pass code yet, I felt best to just let it drop for tonight now it has all calmed down

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 30/05/2019 00:19

Of course you check a CHILDS phone- their privacy does not come before their safety.
When she gets her phone back I would be setting stricter rules, that it stays downstairs after a certain time - it forces a break from it before sleep but also makes it easier for regular checks.

You are taking the first step by calling the GP which is great. Do be prepared for an outburst as the appointment nears and the anxiety increases.
She is losing control and your reaction is not going to calm the situation. It is difficult though, even more so as a parent I'm sure because if the emotions involved. You can't reason with her until she comes down from it, she can't listen to you while she's raging.
I wish I was at work this week, I work in a school where several children struggle with anger related to trauma (such as witnesses domestic violence) and our SENCO has talked about strategies I can't remember the name of now!
A quick Google came up with this though, there's some ideas at the end
www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/managing-feelings/anger-frustration/is-my-childs-anger-normal-or-should-i-be-concerned

There will be advice on how to help children not to hit that crisis point in the first place too, although your daughter seemed to escalate incredibly quickly tonight which makes me wonder if the cause is as simple as she was looking at something she thinks you won't like on her phone on this occasion!

Papergirl1968 · 30/05/2019 00:20

Good for you, Tinkly but most people see checking their children’s phones as parenting, not spying.
Off the top of my head I’ve seen bullying both of and by my dds, photos in various stages of undress, mining and dancing in a sexualised way to bloody TikTok, and talk about self harm and suicide on my dds’ phones.

magicBrenda · 30/05/2019 00:22

Well not checking their phones has worked for me - or just made life easier.

However ever in the real world of responsible parenting - responsible parents do check what their children are doing on line because they are vulnerable. If you can’t see this then honestly your a blind fool.

Raggerty54 · 30/05/2019 00:23

I actually think you did very well considering you are pregnant and were probably feeling extremely vulnerable. Pregnancy in its self makes it harder to control your emotions so don’t put yourself down. I think most people would struggle greatly in your position.

Raggerty54 · 30/05/2019 00:25

Also, I wouldn’t bother ever giving her phone back until she can afford one herself. It’s not a child’s human right to have a phone and I don’t know why so many parents indulge the obsession- they cause so many issues.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/05/2019 00:33

Surely if you are that concerned about your kids going crazy with the internet then you just don’t give them a phone? I’m happy that mine were sensible. And I have a very open and trusting relationship with them now that they are mostly young adults.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 30/05/2019 00:34

I personally don't think you did anything wrong. I defy anyone to act llke Mr Tumble when they're getting kicked in the stomach at 6 months pregnant. I'm afraid the real world just isn't like that, and I'm sorry but She was abusive. Let's not dress it up or pussy foot around it. Shes over the age of criminal responsibility. If she did this outside. She'd be in trouble.
I can't believe some posters are saying you handled it badly.

isamonster · 30/05/2019 00:37

First off, you're not alone. My dd started attacking me at 18 months. Lashing out really. Turns out she has ADHD.

These days at 8, she still does it occasionally and I know that horrible feeling of shame and that you are failing them by not handling it better but also real fear of what awful things could happen. I cant imagine how I'd have felt if I was pregnant. That is such a hard situation.

I have been to some classes at our CDC which have helped me. Our situation has improved a little but they said to me - it is like turning around a super tanker, it takes a lot of time. Hopefully your GP can help you both get support. I found meeting other people with the same problems helped me feel better about myself.

Kokeshi123 · 30/05/2019 00:39

Well not checking their phones has worked for me

How do you know it is working for them? They could be up to all sorts on their phones--the whole point is that now you DON'T KNOW what they are doing on there.

BenWillbondsPants · 30/05/2019 00:41

@TinklyLittleLaugh that's great for you.

I am involved a lot in safeguarding with my job, including training, and also youth mental health. Hell would freeze over before I wouldn't check the phone of an 11 year old child. Children are vulnerable by the very fact that they're children and to have unfettered access to the internet is crazy, (in my view, I know you have a different view and that's fine) it exposes them to so much and I firmly believe that what they see online has a massive effect on their social and emotional health.

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