Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Childless couples

470 replies

letsgohooray · 20/05/2019 20:24

I came to the realisation that 90% of our family life involves or revolves around the dc. Either driving them somewhere or organising something for them or getting stuff for them etc. I genuinely want to know what childless couples do when they are not working? I want a breakdown!!! Weekday evenings and weekends. What do you do with your time? DO you spend it with your dp or away on activities? What do you talk about with each other. It is a whole world I can not imagine.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 22/05/2019 10:44

Do you find yourself drawn to the exact same type of person over and over?

I’ve never known anyone to come into contact with so many unfortunate parents and grandparents. Very odd.

For balance; my parents have loads of grandchildren (big Irish family). We’re obviously all adults and most of the children are young adults/late teens.

No drugs, no prison, no drama, no catastrophes...

as I said, you know some very unfortunate people.

Underthegreenwood · 22/05/2019 10:56

I've found this so interesting, I think ultimately there is a bit of a divide between those with children and those without and there is often some sensitivity on both sides, those who can't have children and wish they could, those who chose not to but still feel the sting when a parent says what do you do with all that free time, or don't you get bored, etc., those not enjoying parenting and to an extent regretting it, and all of the above is complicated by individual circumstances and not to mention your feelings on it probably change throughout different stages of life.

I have one DC but have struggled with the loss of freedom, I don't want my life to be all about DC, I am really striving for balance and to retain the 'couple' relationship we had before and see the 'parent' one as a lovely, albeit sometimes stressful, addition.

I think if we set up society a bit better everyone could play a role in raising the next generation of adults and choosing to be a parent wouldn't feel like such an all consuming decision, likewise being without children wouldn't feel like living a totally different existence?! No need for judgement or defensiveness on either side

Underthegreenwood · 22/05/2019 10:59

My last point is based on seeing child free couples/individuals play such an amazing valuable role in children's lives without being a parent, and actually can really help parents cope better. It's nice for children to have broader relationships and input from other adults with different experiences. And nice for parents to have a bit of time off!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

SystolicSyster · 22/05/2019 10:59

I've also lived in several places both in the UK and two other countries, and known lots of people. In all of this, I only know of one person who's openly told me she regrets having her one child (hence has no more, and the child mostly lives with the other parents).

A few other parents have made comments about it not being all birdsong and roses, but who would assume that, anyway? Of course it's hard, especially as several people I know have children with additional needs of some kind. But mostly from these people I get a vibe that they'd not trade their lives away, and they love their kids fiercely. The vast majority of people with kids who I know seem slightly frazzled when their kids are small, but on the whole happy.

Baskerville · 22/05/2019 11:35

Do you find yourself drawn to the exact same type of person over and over?

I’ve never known anyone to come into contact with so many unfortunate parents and grandparents. Very odd

Yes, it sounds to me as if mydogithebest is, consciously or unconsciously, cultivating people with deeply troubled families.

PurpleGlitter1983 · 22/05/2019 12:15

Whatever they want, whenever they want.

Me, envious? Yep. With bells on.

AnnaFender · 22/05/2019 12:31

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I had my first aged 20 having moved out of my Parent's house at 18. So my entire adult life has been dominated by having children. So I do find it hard to imagine. The change of pace when 2 DC are away and I only have 1 is unbelievable! It feels so easy and stress free, but it didn't feel like that when I only had one! Similarly I bet people with more DC then me feel less busy and stressed when they're down to 3!

I guess I mean the pacing is different, you fill the time you have. So I bet there aren't a lot of child free people who feel like they're sat twiddling their thumbs because they don't have DC to run around after!

The child free adults I know seem to travel a lot, or have side businesses that they do alongside full time employment and a few are very involved in team sport hobbies and a lot have far bigger social groups than I do. All things that would be more of a struggle time wise and financially once you have DC.

mydogisthebest · 22/05/2019 12:37

I would say over the years I have had lots of different types of friends. Some quite a bit younger than me, some a similar age, quite a few a lot older. Male and female, different nationalities. I have also had lots of work colleagues and people I know just through living close to them, going to the same club, church etc.

I can think off the top of my head of 3 work colleagues that had children that were or had been in prison.

I have been told by numerous woman and men that they would not have children if they could go back in time. Some because their relationship broke down and they feel it was because of children. Some because they have children with health problems. Some because they have children with other problems such as drug taking, crime etc. Some just because they found it such hard work having children and not particularly rewarding and quite a few because they fear the future their children will face.

It could well be that they felt they could open up to me because I chose not to have children. Other parents would likely not be sympathetic and may even make comments or just look horrified or whatever.

catdogoifrog · 22/05/2019 12:46

Before Dc we renovated a property that took a lot of time. I did a lot of gardening, pots mainly, I had millions of flowers. Grew some veggies and fruit. Cleaned my house properly. Went shopping. Visited places for a look around, ate out. Read a book on holiday !

We do some of this now but it's more stressful trying to do it with small DC. Plus you can't actually achieve anything. So you change and enjoy things they like instead. My DH does the gardening now Sad He's not good at involving the DC as gets impatient. He's a get the job done person but I used to enjoy it.

ControversialFerret · 22/05/2019 12:55

On this thread? That’s just not true. What are you even talking about? Who’s posts have made you feel like parents think they’re superior?

I don't feel like parents generally are that way, but there are some posts on this thread which have an edge of disbelief to them which does come across as superior - although that may not be the intention.

For example the recent posts about not encountering people with families who have troubles - drugs, prison etc. - and then a comment about deliberately cultivating people with those sorts of relationships!

I know plenty of people who have issues in their families; IME it's just that some may be quieter about it than others, and I'd include my own, wider, family in that.

I don't mean this to sound snippy, but posts like this do sound as if they are condescending; as if you can't quite believe that it happens just because it doesn't feature in your own sphere of experience. I suspect it probably does, but it's not visible to you.

PurpleDaisies · 22/05/2019 13:05

I think if we set up society a bit better everyone could play a role in raising the next generation of adults and choosing to be a parent wouldn't feel like such an all consuming decision, likewise being without children wouldn't feel like living a totally different existence?!

You have totally missed that lots of people choose not to have children because they don’t want them. Why would they want to be involved with raising other people’s children? Confused

EmpressLesbianInChair · 22/05/2019 13:12

You have totally missed that lots of people choose not to have children because they don’t want them. Why would they want to be involved with raising other people’s children?

My guess is that this is more about childless people. I’m happy to chat with my niece & nephew (who live at the other end of the country) or to friends’ kids if I see them, smile at babies on the bus & help carry pushchairs up stairs but that’s all the involvement I actually want with children.

PurpleDaisies · 22/05/2019 13:14

My guess is that this is more about childless people.

I don’t want to be involved with other people’s children. I want my own.
Being with other people’s children is actually really hard, especially babies.

BlueSkiesLies · 22/05/2019 13:14

I’ve never known anyone to come into contact with so many unfortunate parents and grandparents. Very odd.

Yeah, I haven't ever met anyone who says they regret having their children! Even the ones who seem to take every opportunity to leave the kids with dad or GPs and come out for adult time!

BlueSkiesLies · 22/05/2019 13:15

I think if we set up society a bit better everyone could play a role in raising the next generation of adults and choosing to be a parent wouldn't feel like such an all consuming decision, likewise being without children wouldn't feel like living a totally different existence?

MEGA LOLZ

I don't want my own children. I sure as hell don't want any part in raising your children!!!!

EmpressLesbianInChair · 22/05/2019 13:15

Being with other people’s children is actually really hard, especially babies.

I’m sorry, Purple. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 22/05/2019 13:15

Yeah, I haven't ever met anyone who says they regret having their children!

There was a long running v thread on here full of posters saying exactly that.

Norrisskipjack · 22/05/2019 13:26

We’re planning to have children at some point, been together 11 years since we were teenagers and have 2 dogs Grin

In the evenings we watch box sets snuggled up on the sofa and walk the dogs. He often runs me a bath and then sits with me while I’m in it and we talk about our days etc. He’ll bring me a glass of wine if it’s been a bad day!

We usually walk to the pub (in the country) during the summer evenings with the dogs a couple of times a week. Our pub has live music so we go to that then wander back home.

We go to a friends house a couple of times a month and do a hobby all together, there’s 8 of us and it’s great fun.

We sit at the dining room table and play board games if there’s nothing on TV and we’re in between box sets.

At the weekends he generally works Saturday so I spend the morning getting the housework done and any errands run. At 4pm I have a shower and put my pyjamas on and do some pampering, then he gets home about 6pm and we have a meal in front of the tv. Sometimes I go exploring on Saturdays. He packs me a picnic up the night before and I take the dogs and we just find somewhere new to walk.

Sunday mornings he cooks us breakfast which we eat at the table and chat about anything. We then usually take the dogs for a long walk and find a pub for lunch. Sometimes we go to events, gigs, anything we like really.

We go on holidays in The UK and take the dogs with us. Rarely go abroad!

Wine and walking pretty much sums it up Grin

Baskerville · 22/05/2019 13:28

It could well be that they felt they could open up to me because I chose not to have children. Other parents would likely not be sympathetic and may even make comments or just look horrified or whatever.

Well, I chose not to have a child until I was almost 41, have a wide circle of friends and acquaintances in a lot of different countries, am from a large family and married into a huge one (DH is the youngest of 7, MIL is one of 13) and that is not my experience, that I was a safe person in whom to confide mass regrets about having criminal and drug addict children.

For example the recent posts about not encountering people with families who have troubles - drugs, prison etc. - and then a comment about deliberately cultivating people with those sorts of relationships!

I know plenty of people who have issues in their families; IME it's just that some may be quieter about it than others, and I'd include my own, wider, family in that.

No one, including me, is suggesting people don't have 'issues in their families', but mydogisthebest's experience of other people's family life as an inevitable fiesta of drugs and prison sentences is neither typical nor any reason to congratulate yourself on managing to avoid that type of thing by not having a child. It would make as much sense for me to congratulate myself on not being a pet owner because I've avoided the possibility of my dog savaging a toddler.

I was happily childfree for far longer than I've been a parent. I remain exactly the same person. Have a child, don't have a child -- it's a moral neutral. Neither decision is superior to the other, unless you are talking about population reduction on environmental grounds. There are no grounds for 'condescension' either way, and the 'parents are superior and pitying of the loveless, empty lives of the childfree' position is as much of a tired old stereotype as the childfree 'tiresome breeders who've lost their individuality and pelvic floors' one.

paap1975 · 22/05/2019 13:34

We read, we garden, we go walking, go to the gym, volunteer (looking after other people's children), visit family and friends, go to the cinema, browse shops, travel and generally can be spontaneous.

I can't imagine having to have children to make my life feel complete.

millythepink · 22/05/2019 13:51

So far, we've had very little hassle or dramas with our teenagers who are now approaching adulthood. We had a bit of stress around their GCSEs and I had to contact their school once about an incident involving DD's school bag disappearing. But honestly that is it. We just don't have the regular angsts and the rows that I know other families often have. There has been some bickering over the state of their rooms but I go easy on them because they are such good kids, good hearted and hard working. We are very lucky.

Oddly, it was DH who was the one who wanted children, I'd have been happy with a puppy. But, once they arrived I was stunned at how much I loved them, it was unconditional and overwhelming. They're both taller than me now but cuddling them is still just the very best thing. It feels like you're a jigsaw piece, being slotted into your own perfect sized gap in the universe, with a satisfying click. You hold them in your heart always but they're also your connection to immortality. Nothing even comes close. I can't contemplate not having that bond and to live without it would feel like I was living half a life, but that's just me.

ControversialFerret · 22/05/2019 13:56

I can't contemplate not having that bond and to live without it would feel like I was living half a life, but that's just me.

I get that, but if you hadn't had them then you wouldn't have known any different?

Baskerville · 22/05/2019 14:01

But, once they arrived I was stunned at how much I loved them, it was unconditional and overwhelming. They're both taller than me now but cuddling them is still just the very best thing. It feels like you're a jigsaw piece, being slotted into your own perfect sized gap in the universe, with a satisfying click. You hold them in your heart always but they're also your connection to immortality. Nothing even comes close. I can't contemplate not having that bond and to live without it would feel like I was living half a life, but that's just me.

You're right, that is just you. Grin None of that represents my experience of parenthood.

Don't get me wrong -- I adore my son, and I'm very glad I had him (and the cuddles are very splendid), but I haven't undergone any fundamental change since becoming a parent, and I'm as sure as can be that my life would have been just as interesting and meaningful if I'd decided to stay childfree.

Cafelatte2go · 22/05/2019 14:05

Judystilldrramsofhorses- my apologies BlushThanks

EmpressLesbianInChair · 22/05/2019 14:19

Oddly, it was DH who was the one who wanted children, I'd have been happy with a puppy. But, once they arrived I was stunned at how much I loved them, it was unconditional and overwhelming... Nothing even comes close. I can't contemplate not having that bond and to live without it would feel like I was living half a life, but that's just me.

It's lovely for you that you feel that way - honestly. But yes, that's just you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread