Childless couples

[letsgohooray]

I came to the realisation that 90% of our family life involves or revolves around the dc. Either driving them somewhere or organising something for them or getting stuff for them etc. I genuinely want to know what childless couples do when they are not working? I want a breakdown!!! Weekday evenings and weekends. What do you do with your time? DO you spend it with your dp or away on activities? What do you talk about with each other. It is a whole world I can not imagine.

But I also thing it’s foolish to think there’s any one kind of fulfilled life be that with children or without .... I guess what I’m saying in a long winded way is any life can be fulfilled regardless of the situation you just adapt and make the most of it

I really agree with this and the rest of your post Aberforthsgoat. I look at my childfree BILs and think that there is a lot to envy in their life. They look at us and probably feel the same at times but we are each happy in our choices/the way life turned out. I always wanted more than one child (and had 3) but getting to know many families with one child (majority of my kids' friends were from either one or two child families - lots of ones) made me realise there was a lot to be said for that too and a lot of advantages.

Urgh, can I just day the premise of this thread sums up everything I hate about “parents”.

*say

Mumsnet is for everyone but it is a strange place to hang out if you hate parents

Mumsnet is for everyone but it is a strange place to hang out if you hate parents

Yup

My DC are only 9 and 7 and I seem to spend more time than is perhaps healthy planning what I will do once the DC leave home or are just old enough to be safely let at home for lengthy chunks of time.
It involves more exercise, studying, gardening, DIY, travelling, cooking, volunteering. I just hope I am healthy & wealthy enough to do all of this when the time comes

Sorry - a subtle difference. Hate is a strong word, used semi in jest. “Parents” as an identify and a dominant personality feature as opposed to “parents” - people who have children.

I know what I meant anyway -

Looking after the horses, show jumping, shooting, diy, gardening, sometimes just enjoying a nice dinner and a bottle of wine together. It’s awesome.

Before work Gym
Get home from work at 7
Cook for me and Mr L
Sort dishes
Clean
Bath
Bed

Repeat x5

Weekend- visit family, housework, laundry, big shop.

It's really not very exciting

As much as I can see all the fun to be had for couples without children, and it's obvious there's a lot, the PP upthread describing how awful life is with children - the constant problems, shouting, anger, worry - just doesn't ring true for me.

Then, I wonder - maybe it's just us? Maybe we're lucky? But I look around me, and it certainly doesn't appear to ring true for all the families we know and spend (a lot of) time with, either.

Our DC don't have any learning or behavioural issues, so right there life is (unfairly) easier.

They're also pleasant and amenable (maybe DD slightly less so! ) - but so are all their friends. Well, by far most of them - certainly the ones we spend the most time with.

Week days are busy - school for them, work for us, activities in the afternoons and evenings.

Friday afternoons are usually spent with my mum friends who work part time - we gather at someone's house after school with whichever kids don't have anything on, catch up, have a wine. Kids with activities arrive, Dads arrive, takeaways are consumed.

Saturdays consist of sports and play dates during the day. And evenings are either entertaining or being entertained - kids and all. Or - DH and I going out, courtesy of a couple of local babysitters.

Sundays - sleep in, last breakfast, maybe an outing the 4 of us, maybe play dates, often and impromptu get together with another family, especially in summer.

My DC were hard work when they were babies and toddlers - as most are - but we're well out of those years, and they're now great craic. They make me laugh all the time. They're enjoyable to be around. I like them.

There is no shouting. I'm not going to say there won't be any worrying when we get to the teen years, as I'm sure there will be.

But, judging by the relationships DH and I have with our own (for some part - late) parents, our grown up brothers and partners, our aunts and uncles and old family friends, I feel reasonably confident in assuming that we'll have the same sort of easy, loving relationship into their adulthood. I have no reason to think otherwise.

And I'm absolutely certain I'm not alone in describing family life like this.

And I'm absolutely certain I'm not alone in describing family life like this.

To be honest I don't know anyone who hasn't had a serious worry about their children - sometimes when they are younger but mostly as they enter middle/late teens. You are clearly in a golden family with no worries but that isn't normal in my experience. All of my cousins and friends have had serious shit to worry about in between the craic and the fun.

If you saw me from the outside you would probably describe me as your own family. In fact if you saw me when my children were age about 8-12 I might have said the same. It didn't keep going like that though. We've had plenty of craic and fun and plenty of worry and stress as well. You don't know the arc of a family until you go through the teen years. Maybe you'll be lucky -but that is what it is. Luck.

I have had nothing but easy loving relationships in my life. But also plenty of stress and worry and angst that my childfree siblings haven't had.

'I couldn't imagine a life so lacking' or 'childless people don't know what love is'.

I hear comments like this fairly often and they always cut like a knife.

'' have had nothing but easy loving relationships in my life. But also plenty of stress and worry and angst that my childfree siblings haven't had.''

My siblings would assume I'm worry free. Not the case. I just don't feel I can talk to them about it. I desperately want children and have never once talked to them about it. It clouds every part of my life. I've had depression in the past. I've suffered stress. When I found out my first sister was pregnant I cried at night for 3 months. She didn't once know as I put on a front. What I'm saying is don't assume childless = stress free. It fucking doesn't.

'I couldn't imagine a life so lacking' or 'childless people don't know what love is'.

I hear comments like this fairly often and they always cut like a knife.

They don't cut me at all, but they do get trotted out from time to time, as if there's some epiphany that I am yet to have.

No mention of "technicolor" yet?

I wonder what people would say if parents said things like that about child free people?
Oh, there are threads full of them. Including ‘I always feel sorry for people without children’ and ‘I was like you but then I thought I’d just have one & it was the best thing that ever happened to me. You never regret having a baby!”

I’m happy to agree that there are plenty of great things about being a parent. I love my niece & nephew. But none of good bits make me want to actually become one, any more than the bad bits do, and at 45 I don’t see that changing.

When I’m not at work I meet up with friends, run, do yoga, read, carry on learning Italian, go for long walks or visit family.

One major difference between those with and those without dc seems to be the amount of exercise people do seems like all the child free people on here are constantly at the gym or doing yoga or hiking. I fear, even without dc, I would be too lazy to do 5 or more days a week

This is an odd thread. Usually on these types of threads people are “smug parents” but barring the original post and a couple of odd replies from one or two posters, the smugness and meanness has come from those who are child free.

seems like all the child free people on here are constantly at the gym or doing yoga or hiking.

Lack of childcare responsibilities does probably make it easier for me to run to work two or three mornings a week & do an evening yoga class.

This is an odd thread. Usually on these types of threads people are “smug parents” but barring the original post and a couple of odd replies from one or two posters, the smugness and meanness has come from those who are child free.

Please don't tar all of us with the same brush.

I actually really regret even responding to this thread at all now. They always go the same way. You try and respond genuinely to a question and it seems that unless you are crying every day at the thought of not having children then you are somehow considering yourself superior.

I had a shit childhood. So did my DH. I am infertile - as in, need IVF and would still be a million to one shot. Both of us have had MH issues arising from our childhood experiences. We decided, after years of consideration, not to try to have children because we wanted to break the cycle and not risk passing on the mistakes and misery that we went through. Good enough?

Ivanapee I've re-read the OP and I don't think it is smug. Apart from saying childless instead of child free, it is really normal sounding and not smug to me and most of the posters on here. And tbh lots of child free people on here call themselves childless too so that can't be taken as smug either.
But I agree that most of the angry people seem to be against parents.

You try and respond genuinely to a question and it seems that unless you are crying every day at the thought of not having children then you are somehow considering yourself superior.

On this thread? That’s just not true. What are you even talking about? Who’s posts have made you feel like parents think they’re superior?

@poopypants I think the OP’s responses were weirdly aggressive so I could only assume there was an edge to her when posting!

Pallisers, my eldest is 12, my eldest niece is 14 and I'm friends with people who have teenagers, they don't all come running to greet you on your arrival and are not always the most polite but they don't cause them a huge amount of stress. Even if they do secretly, isn't it just part of life's rich tapestry. To me life's ups and downs are about living a meaningful life rather than just pursuing a happy one. That applies to all people not just parents.

Theres always a risk of antagonism when people feel like they have to justify their lifestyle choices. Nobody likes feeling judged.

Not childless, but I had my dd when I was very young so now I'm 38 and she's an independent adult with her own place and job and relationship.

So DP and I have the same kind of child free lifestyle. Having done the parenting bit, I wouldn't go back to it. My DD is the best thing in the world but having kids makes life pass by at a rate too scarily fast for me.

I far prefer the leisurely pace of life I have now. DP and I both work from home, we work all day then do whatever the hell we want, which is often just flopping on the sofa with a book or some telly depending what's on. We both highly enjoy doing nothing in particular and not having to be anywhere. Sometimes out for dinner or lunch, sometimes we take random days off and go for country walks. Twice a week we take a couple of hours off and go to the gym together during the quieter period and the cleaner comes in while we are out.

It's idyllic compared to years I spent as a single parent frantically running around to work, school and hobby related things and then always cooking or doing housework with any spare moment. Fuck that.

I did say maybe my friends have been unlucky with their children!

I also said I have lived in about 14 different places over my married life. By that I mean different places in the UK and abroad. I have met lots and lots of people and, at different times, have had different friends. The majority of them have had problems with their children. Oh and, of course, I have had different neighbours everywhere I have lived and quite a few of them have had problems with their children too.

I am not talking young children really although they can cause stress and worry but grown children, often with children of their own. Far too often the grandchildren cause problems too.

One of my friends really tries to be optimistic but her 4 children seem to cause nothing but worry, stress and problems and her 16 grandchildren are not much better. Quite a few taking drugs, one facing prison.

I think it is far easier to be a "positive" parent when your children are young and you have some control over what they do.

I just could not be doing with all the worry. I worry enough as it is without having children to worry about. Just worrying about my nieces and nephews' futures is bad enough.

I also don't see how saying you find children boring (although I never said that as I don't really) is anything like the same as saying childless people don't know what love is.

Ok I do think I can't see anything positive about having children but that is my view. I don't expect others to share and, obviously, many don't.