I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

@passmeanother - what one, single thing (apart from your daughter not being there) would improve your life right now?

If you could change just one thing, what would it be?

Passmeanother. Did you read any of my other threads? No I actually suggested lots of other things. But as a last resort to contact social services. By your own admission you are not simply pissed off with single parent life. You are struggling with your mental health and using alcohol as a coping mechanism. Respite Foster care does not involve removing a child from their home. A Foster carer can provide care in the home to give mum or dad the space and time they need. It's used in a preventative way to ensure that mental health or addiction issues don't spiral.

But as I said in both my posts. I don't think you're there yet.

Tea I just want someone else here.

@passmeanother can I just say - you flipping rock. I am in awe of you. You are a HOD and secondary teacher. That job is HARD. It is a vampire. You are a mother. That job is HARD. Because - well, kids are vampires! But on top of that, you are a single parent - you are you and your child's everything. You do you and your child's everything.

And you're giving yourself a hard time because you are not being a 'fun mummy'? For the love of Pete, woman, give yourself a flipping break! Personally, I'd give you a bleeding medal!

£3500 a year JUST to walk a dog, that is crazy. Plus food, insurance, vet trips, - phenomenal waste of money. Get rid of the dog - your daughter needs to come first. I can't fathom spending that much on a dog when your are struggling (let alone when money is ok.)

I hope things pick up for you soon - money woes add so much stress, as does having a dog that is draining you.

Could you drop a day at work take your daughter to mums and tots, I have made mummy friends that I still see now, even though my DD is 14. I would stop the swimming and as far as the dummy is concerned maybe try and just give her it at bedtime. There is nothing wrong in her having a dummy.
You’re under so much pressure, she will in time become your little best friend

This is what makes is worse, the fact that I am so focused on work and targets and students, that I have no time for my own child...

I was going to ask if you were something of a perfectionist, but actually this probably explains it too.

Your mind set is about targets, achievement and high standards. I note your comment about her speech in this context too.

I don't think its a mind set that works well for having a toddler. They just understand hugs and Mummy being there. And really that is enough. I think that 18months - 3 years is particularly hard time because you don't get feed back from your child to say that they are happy or have enjoyed something. So you do project a lot more about how you feel you are doing badly.

I think you need to make a readjustment to your attitude about what you 'should' be doing. There is no 'should' here. There is no target or standard you should be achieving.

Everything you are doing is framed within this idea of succeeding and failing. And life isn't like that if you have a toddler.

Somedays 'success' is having a lazy day where you just let her potter round and do her own thing, whilst you take it easy. Somedays its going to the park. Somedays its going for a big day out and spoiling her rotten.

But thats set by what is realistic and what YOU need too. Thats NOT 'failing'.

First of all, cut yourself some slack. You're going through a rough patch, and it will end. It really will. Do what works for you right now. My DP travelled for work, so I was essentially a single parent myself. If it's too hard to get your DD to swimming classes, then don't take her. At her age, she will get over it so quickly, you'll be amazed. Pop her in a stroller and go for a quick walk when you are feeling overwhelmed. I did childcare out of my home, and on days when all the children were fussy and crying, I did this and it allowed me time to breathe, have my own thoughts, work things out a bit, and listen to the birds singing. Good for the mental health. Quality time with your DD can be as simple as bath time, lying on your bed together reading a book. You don't have to do super active things that make you cringe to even think about them. When you have to go shopping, take her and ask her to point things out to you, the yellow box, the blue sign, whatever. It will keep her engaged, so not fussy, and give you time together. You will get through this, and the hard times when you feel like you don't have a moment to yourself will pass. Honestly. As for your DD's father buggering off, as least he's not complicating your life. Cut out toxic people (your DM) who drag you down. It's a cliche, but It Does Get Better. You can do this.

Oh wow that does sound incredibly tough! I think all single parents are amazing.....no way could I do it all by myself. Everyone tells you it gets easier the older they get, but right now - i think you just have to give yourself a massive pat on the back that you are doing it at all. I know that without my DH doing half the childcare etc - I wouldnt be able to work full time. Full time work is 100% and looking after a kid (even if you have childcare) is 100% job - so you are completely over-stretched at 200% capacity. So you are doing amazingly well as it is!!!! Really at this age - kids just need lots of cuddles and a bit of entertainment. If you cant take her to swimming - just put some music on and dance around. She's 18months - she might love swimming but she'll be fine without it!!!! Are there any local mums that you can make friends with (at swimming, local cafe etc) and see if after a while they will be able to look after the little one for an hour or two..........sorry its so tough at the moment

If the most helpful thing would be someone else to help what about an au pair? That would be somebody else in the house to share the childcare tasks and give you the opportunity to have some time to yourself?

I can’t imagine how tough it is OP. I really hope things improve for you

Firstly please try and stop worrying about being judged. I have nothing other than respect for you. Sometimes my husband works away for a week at a time, that is bad enough. To be in your shoes with NO respite would kill me.

Secondly, I agree re your dog. I'd get rid of everything else (bar child) before my dogs and they are an awful lot of work but completely worth it. Personally if I were your friend I'd be doing you a much better deal than £15 per day though.

Finally - you are at the worst possible point right now. This is a tough age but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In a couple of years your life will be very different. When she is 3 you will also qualify for free hours.

Right now, yes, things are dire and you can't see a way out. But it won't always be this way. You've got to get through the next couple of years, it's going to be a slog. But I promise you, things WILL get better.

Also if she's in full time childcare you really don't need to have a weekend packed with activities!

Just be with her at home, read and play with her. Stay in your pjs until lunchtime then maybe, if you want to, to the park for an hour, or take her on a bus, or to feed the ducks. Or maybe swimming, but on your own schedule.

Listen to what redtoothbrush says. It’s so true. Stop beating yourself up. FWIW I have days as a Sahm mum when I wonder what the fuck happened to my life and fantasise about dropping the dc off somewhere and waking away. Being a parent is fucking hard, very grating and can be very mind numbing when they’re little. I can’t even imagine how hard it must be for you with no support and a stressful job. Things will get easier as she gets older, you’ll get to know her more, she’ll seem like a proper little person rather than something sucking the life and energy out of you.

I just called my mum to ask if she would take her for an hour. She told me to fuck off.

I can't deal with this anymore

Is your mum usually like this?

Yep.

I could so relate to you even down to the vile mother, until I read you're a secondary school teacher and HOD, now I feel positively useless in comparison!
This passes, it really does. It's a grind but listen to the very good advice (of which I have nothing to add) you've had here and not the romanticised SS stuff and just keep on

Sorry to hear you’re feeling like this. I think it’s normal at some point to hate our own children when they act out. I adore my daughter hit occasionally I think she is a little brat and wonder what I have done to deserve this. A lot changes when you have kids. Depending on what your life was like before it’s easy to look back and think where you’d be if you were still childless, however this child doesn’t know any better. She probably wants attention from you when you get back from work and because you’re so shattered you probably have half as much patience as you would normally. It sounds like you work incredibly hard and you need to give yourself a break.
I’m not expert but you sound as though you may be suffering with depression. Have you seen a Dr?
Secondly, you need some me time. Is it possible to book a day off work, leave your daughter in nursery and just have a day for you?
Maybe you also need some quality time with your daughter as well and would benefit from going out and doing something you both enjoy.

Believe me being a stay at home mum has its challenges too, so don’t envy them. I work 3 days now reduced from 4 and when I’m at home with my daughter I struggle. I struggle trying to succeed in work which is impossible part time and trying to have quality time with my little girl. No matter what you do you beat yourself up. Whether you work full time or if you give up work to be a stay at home mum or try and do both. Don’t beat yourself up, but definitely seek help. Xx

Btw I think that toad pranging your car has probably been more significant than you realise. Like the straw that broke the camel's back and now it's all come to a head.

I am on anti depressants already. I just don't know what else I can do? I am literally at the end of my tether.

Nothing will ever happen to my dd, by the way, I love her too much. I just can't deal with her, if that makes sense.

And now the only person who I can ask to help me out has told em to do one... I am so fucking sick and tired of everything and I just want to go to sleep

What tinyteatime says! It’s so true. They are hard hard work. Mine is 2.5 and a good talker so she understands a lot but my god she is hard HARD work. Some days I want to run off. Tantrums all the time if she can’t have her own way. Sometimes I give in for an easy life then beat myself up for making a rod for my own back.

Your mum sounds like a hopeless case and I imagine if you work full time you probably don’t have as many mummy friends you could call on for help? Could you set up a play date with a mum friend and then return the favour one day so you both benefit from some me time. Or just arrange a day out with a mum friend. Believe me when I say anproblem shared is a problem halved. I couldn’t live without my Friday mornings at soft play with a couple of friends to offload onto. We have coffee and toast and set the world to rest. It makes all the difference. Meanwhile my daughter runs wild in the soft play.

I have had various health issues and my god, the hour or two waiting for the specialist have been utter bliss. No-one wants me, no-one depends on me, I don't have to do anything or look after anyone... how sad is that? That a hospital appointment is my only respite

What time will she be in bed? I’m counting down to bedtime!

How old is your daughter?

I am so fucking sick and tired of everything and I just want to go to sleep

Do it!

And if she's still awake, if you have a TV in your bedroom, put Beebies on, stick her next to you, whilst you do.

This is OK to do.

That and having a bloody good cry about it all.

Don't have a tv in the bedroom: we are all cuddled up now, with stupidly expensive dog.

I just feel. So . Fucking. Shit.

Mother has said she will come over and take her to the park. This is unheard of. Plus she is in pjs. And I can't summon the energy to get her dressed properly..: