I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

She is 18 months

Sort your head out pass enough with the Pity party. It will do you no good. Lots of great advice and support on here. Dig deep and sort yourself out.

It's OK for her to go to the park in pjs just this once...

You need to be able to say to yourself - "it's OK to..."

Especially when you are feeling really really shite.

Curling up with daughter and dog is good. It's 'enough'. More than enough.

Yes cheers cotton. Really helpful

Ignore pass me.

Anyone saying 'just cheer up', to someone who is depressed, doesn't understand the depression and has no empathy.

You can't just 'snap out of it'. That's the point.

You just need to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to not be so hard on yourself.

Nothing more. Nothing less.

It’s good that your mum is coming round, although I’m confused why she told you to fuck off previously. Why would she do that?

She doesn’t need to go to the park, get your mum to read to her & put her to bed and you go read a book or have a glass of wine for an hour maybe?
Get signed off or this is it until you break further

She’s not long got up, a quick walk to the park is good.

Would you have difficulty finding another job in a year's time if you just quit?

I wasn't a single mum but was good friends with a few. The thing that kept us sane from the mind numbing suffocation of small children was to spend time together with the kids. Taking it in turns to host a Saturday kids tea time, picnics out together, playing in each others (messy!) houses over coffee etc etc. I never did it, but would have been up for familiy sleep overs so the grown ups could stay up late chatting with no need for babysitters.

If you don't have the right kind of friends at the moment don't worry, she's at the age where lots of mums are feeling lost and looking for friends - you find them in museums, libraries, kid friendly cafes, baby groups (harder on weekends if you want to stay in work, but not impossible), friendly churches, soft play places. You don't have to know them, just strike up friendly conversation about the kids and if you click then ask if they fancy swapping numbers and meeting for a coffee while the kids play (out somewhere at first). This is how I made 2 really close friends when I felt very alone. Someone WILL be interested because there are so many lonely and unsupported mums in similar positions to you

I have read through this thread and I really wish you could allow yourself to believe how amazing you are - you work full time in a demanding job (I know because it's the job that I do), you don't feel that you have anyone that you can turn to and you are even managing to keep a dog!!! Kudos to you. Some of the replies on here are beyond appalling and some of the people on here need to take a good hard look at their 'advice' - ss/adoption????? I cannot begin to imagine what a child raised by someone with so little empathy is going to turn out like!!!! On the other hand, I think that the amount of concern that you have for not being a good enough mum and the worry that you have for not taking her swimming or to fun places enough tells me that you absolutely are a good mother - neglectful parents simply don't care about this stuff.
As I said I am a teacher but in an International school and that is one recommendation I would make to you if you are able to get her a passport at all - smaller classes, less concern about data and actual funding to run the lessons means that's it's a great job in my experience and longer holidays! I teach in a country where the cost of living is low enough that it means that I work while my husband stays at home with our DC and I know we could never do this in the UK! Maybe it isn't a possibility for you but for me the only real disadvantage is that you lose your UK teachers pension. I have two colleagues who are single parents so it's doable in the right school.
My husband is a sahd so I can't empathise with a lot of what you are saying and I know that my life is easier than yours and I can only imagine how tough your life is on a daily basis but I do understand the guilt thing - I never feel like I have enough time with my girlie and I hate parents evenings and suggestions for late meetings by people who don't have little kids and don't think 30 extra minutes matter. I used to love break times for the social but now they are simply a chance to get a bit of stuff done so that I can leave on time. I'm a big gal with mobility issues and my husband and I are in our 40s doing this for the first (and only) time but I never think I'm not enough for my child because I'm all they know and they think I'm bloody brilliant even if I've got plenty of friends who are way more glam than me, way sportier and artier and just way better at parenting than me They lovemy fat tummy and is never happier than when sleeping on it and they love playing with my messy hair
On a practical note one of the things I do now is socialise with her - there's an app for meeting up with other mums in your area (tinder but for mums) and we have a meet-up for ex-pat mums in my community so I do that in the holidays when I can. I'd rather be able to do it every week but it isn't my life so I just don't dwell on it. Maybe you could meet some fellow single mums and meet up with them in soft play and the like??? I think soft play is way better than swimming because you get to enjoy it as well!!! Those places have WiFi as well so even if you use one to get some work done but at least while giving her a good time that would be something - I've seen parents doing exactly that!!!! It doesn't have to perfect to be enough. I also carry her a lot in a sling to make up for the time we are apart - quality not quantity.
I also try to bring the social to my place when I can and I'd seriously consider not keeping the dog if you can ditch the guilt because that would pay for some much needed self-care in the form of a babysitter once your gal is asleep. I now do everything once my DC is in bed and if I can get stuff done at home then I do e.g. the hairdresser comes here. Of course it's easier because my husband is here (d'oh) but feel huge guilt because I'm not with my child all day so I can't justify things like gym classes or trips to meet friends when she can't come so they don't happen right now. I focus on the fact that this isn't forever and that actually my life would be so much emptier with the fun stuff but without them. Can you get some therapy by Skype so that you can do it when it suits you??? I've had some therapy and it really helped me just to like myself a bit more and I've found that if I like me I trust my decisions more and compare myself less to others and then my DC is calmer as well.
I really recommend the Phillips Perry book - 'the book you wish your parents had read' - as she is very reassuring. The Mumsnet podcast is really funny to inject a bit of perspective into this (really) tough job and to help us find the humour in it but stay off of ghastly stuff like 'Happy Mum, Happy Baby' and anything related to influencers or mummy bloggers who are just soul destroying in my experience.
Finally, screw anyone's negative judgement of you but it's important to remember that we are mostly all just doing what we can to hold our own shit together and are mostly our own worst critics!

So so sorry you're feeling like this OP. I think most of us reading this would love to give you a massive hug.

Parenting is hard. Fucking. Hard! No one tells you this before you embark on the journey, even other parents say how wonderful and fulfilling it is, but neglect to tell you how sometimes you just want to sit and watch TV, one your own, with no one depending on you. They don't tell you how sometimes you're so bloody tired you literally don't think you'll make it to their room to pop the dummy back in. It is a responsibility like no other. So first of all, you need to recognise this and your achievement for a: getting this far and b: taking the steps to ask for help.

My LO is a few months younger than yours. I work part time and share childcare with DH, who is full time. I work when he doesn't and he goes to nursery one day a week. DON'T give up work! I don't know about you but whilst my job is also demanding, it is a little bit of respite and time away from baby world! Definitely consider condensing hours / take leave some days and having time to yourself. I do this sometimes and it's lovely to be able to wander around the shops without a buggy in tow, or make and eat my lunch without a little gannet after it! Even knowing you have to time to properly bath, shave the legs, wash the hair and don't need to rush is lovely! Maybe get someone round to do your nails or something? Tends to be cheaper than a salon. Give yourself some time to just be you.

I have felt similarly to you in the past and for me it was PND, worsened by pre existing depression. Try to take the time to get to a GP.

When you have your little girl and you feel up to it, go to as many baby groups as possibly. Some days we go to one in the morning and one in the afternoon! They're usually free (especially if run by local children's centre) or very cheap. I find that when I'm staring at an 11 hour day just the two of us, keeping busy makes it go quicker and also means I don't need to find new ways to entertain him with the same toys! You may find you make friends at these places, but if you don't, at least you've got out and both had a change of scene. Sometimes I go and am really sociable, other times I can't be arsed to talk to anyone 😂

Most importantly though, please be kind to yourself. You're doing the hardest job on the planet and I guarantee every parent has felt like this at least once over the years. Look after yourself, make yourself happy and in turn you'll improve the situation for your little one too. Don't forget, you are her world. You are everything to her and she loves you infinitely. It's hard at this age when they can't tell you, but one day she will. And it'll be the best thing ever.

Big hugs xxx

You clearly love your DD and it's your shit situation that you hate and you are clearly exhausted and depressed and so you really need to consider getting signed off work for a bit.
Talk to your GP. Get all the help you can. I can't see anything changing unless you seek help and you're able to give yourself a break right now.
Feel for you

I haven’t read all the posts on here but 18month olds, 2, 2.5 lol I wish I could say it gets easier lol they just give you more back chat! I’m currently trying to play shop with mine and have 5 mins to myself. All the time by Dearest F’in husband has been out all day and is now going his mates.. I’ve got to get him tomorrow.. but that’s another story.
Just do what you can to get through the day. CBeebies.. paw patrol on repeat, peppa Pig.. we are all guilty of doing what we can to get a moments piece.
If your mums willing to take her off you for an hour seize it. Doesn’t matter if she’s in PJ’s! Run a bath while they’re gone and watch some trashy tv on your phone. Then when she’s back ask her to help put little one to bed. We read stories and then I stick her in her cot and regardless of whether she’s tired I let her play in her cot and fall asleep. It’s a routine and it’s helped us no end. I don’t feel guilty. She’s not in distress and you need your sanity.

You’re doing your best and don’t feel guilty. We all have these moments.

Op you might find it encouraging to know you’re not the only one that feels like this....
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3562644-to-regret-having-children?pg=1&order=

I feel for you OP. Where abouts do you live?

I'm in London. My mum has come over (surprisingly) so I can have a bath and wash my hair

Op can you take some sick leave from work for a few months to try take stock of things I understand it’s not possible with all employers but I’m sure no GP would dispute signing you off with stress .

I have only read the OP posts and skimmed the rest, but in case it hasn't been mentioned, is there any chance of relocation? Your career is very portable. Maybe somewhere with cheaper living costs would take the pressure off financially. And give you a fresh start away from bad memories. But I understand you may not want to move away from what little support you do have. That's ok, no one here should be judging you.

RedToothBrush above is very wise. Whatever you do, please be kinder to yourself. Your expectations are so high. Your child loves you, and she won't care at all if you are in PJs at the park, or if you spend all day at home messing about.

You might ask to have this moved to Relationships or start a new thread there. Lots of solid advice and shoulders to cry on when needed there. I wish you all the best. You are good enough.

It is bloody hard work on your own I know from experience. When my baby goes to bed at 7 I use that evening time as 'me' time and do whatever I want to make me happy. Have you any other hobbies you could do in the house? Reading etc? Everyone always tells me it does get easier as they get older

Sorry just a self pitying update. Thought I was going to have a bath and get to wash my hair. Oh no. Apparently this situation is 'all my fault' and dd should never have been born.

Apologies just saw you have addressed the possible going off sick , all I can say is keep your chin up OP babies are hard work , I’m on my knees most days . And you are good enough.

Oh ffs! Mothers!

That's hardly helpful. I'm so sorry that the only person who could be helping you is lording this over you instead.

18 months is hard even with support. It will get better and better and from about age three when they are really quite independent, interesting, little things, life is really quite enjoyable.

But I bet that seems an eternity away right now.

When I was really desperate, I used to put mine in the gym creche and sit in the car park using my phone for an hour.

I found that I had to get out of the house every day. It was really depressing staying in with a little one, who lets face it are quite boring. Can you meet friends and go for walks or to the park? Can you have play dates? A walk to the shops on your own? Stay and play at sure start centres? Weekend groups? Drop the swimming lessons and swim on your own with her. Use that money for a music group or some other group that involves interaction with other mothers.
All these things prevented me from getting cabin fever and saved my sanity. You might need to force yourself at first. Also get to the doctors for some anti depressants. That might help in the short term.

Good luck Honestly things will improve and looking back it all goes so fast. But at the time it seemed like it would never end.

@passmeanother your Mum sounds really damaging 😔 what an awful thing to say to you, so sorry.