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Original poster

I don't like my child

326 replies

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:17

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 18/05/2019 22:23

Block your piece of shit mother. Do it now.

And get to the stately homes thread.

Qweenbee · 18/05/2019 22:30

Get an au pair to give you a break and help with light duties and to walk and look after the dog.
The saving you will make on dog expenses will cover the cost of the au pair.

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Shushandpat · 18/05/2019 22:35

Don't get rid of your lovely dogThanks

Get rid of your mum instead. You'll start to feel better without her poison infiltrating your mind. Her comments to your daughter are absolutely awful and untrue. You're a much better mother than her!

FWIW I also find myself counting down the minutes until bed time and don't feel like I'm any good with mine.

RedToothBrush · 18/05/2019 22:36

Thanks all. I feel a bit violated by all the reports and the mnhq message! Jeez I just wanted a bit of support...

FWIW, I've seen a LOT of MN threads and this seems genuine to me.
I'm happy to go with my gut and just say, keep on keeping on. When you says rings with sincerity with me.

Pass, you need to look after you. Your daughter willl thrive if you are okay. If that means distancing yourself from you mum then do it.

foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 22:44

Ah op, my love, you're doing the best you can. 18 months is a shit age, they're demanding, they can't communicate properly and it's fucking relentless and they don't appreciate anything you do. Add full time work on top and it's a mess.

I'll say it again - You are doing the best you can. It won't always be this way.

I'm not sure what practical advice I can give you but I wanted to give you these Thanks

foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 22:45

Oh and don't worry about the swimming today, next time x

Neolara · 18/05/2019 22:52

OP - Have you heard of Borrow My Doggy? It matches up dog owners with people who want to hang out with a dog when the owner can't. You get to keep your dog, your dog has a lovely time while your at work and you won't have to pay £3.5k on dog walking fees. With the money you save, you could hire someone (cheap teenager?) to come in and help for a couple of hours at the weekend or in the evening so you get a bit of respite, which it sounds like your dearly need. Once you've got a bit of support and time to yourself, Im absolutely sure you will start to feel better about your life and your dd.

rodentattack · 18/05/2019 22:52

I'm so sorry, OP. I have been in this situation too - kids' father was abusive and I am 100% sole parenting. Mine are 7 and 9 now but I remember the grind of the early days. I haven't read the whole thread but here are a few ideas that spring to mind, sorry if I'm repeating what others have already said:

  1. Take DD along to local toddler groups, which will help you build friendships with fellow mums and maybe give rise to free babysitting opportunities (you and other mums could take turns to watch each other's kids so you get a break).
  1. Get some counseling - you can either get the GP to refer you for NHS counseling or self refer (www.nhs.uk/conditions/counselling/). If you have worries about finding someone to mind DD while this happens, see point 1, or raise this with the counseling service - perhaps some providers have a crèche or similar?
  1. Have you checked whether you're eligible for free childcare? IIRC all children get it from age 3, but in some cases from an earlier age.
  1. Might you consider doing child minding yourself? I know that it wouldn't give you the child free time you clearly need, but it could be a way of bringing in some cash during the times you're stuck at home anyway.

Finally, despite what you say in your OP, you really don't sound like someone who is unloving or uncaring. You have been through a lot and your response is understandable. How you would respond if your best friend expressed similar thoughts under similar circumstances? Treat yourself with the same compassion 💗💗💗

OhMyDarling · 18/05/2019 23:00

I am you OP but 12yrs ahead.
My friends dumped me, new mum friends used to bang in about how they were ‘practically single parents’ and I didn’t have a pot to piss in.

I would say keep the swimming lessons. It’s timetabled mummy and daughter time. It gets you out of the house, and in contact with the outside world.
Similarly, I’d def keep the dog. On the days you aren’t working, take dd and dog on walks in the woods, down to the coast etc
National trust is about £5 a month and you can take a dog to most.
Keeping the dog will get you outside into nature -very stress relieving and dog people talk to each other and sometimes this can make all the difference on a lonely weekend. Google forests or woodland near you that are free, get in touch with the seasons. This and the exercise will help your mindset.

Thins will get better, but I’m not going to lie, I’m still skint, still tired, still lonely. I still don’t have many friends and those I do still will never get it- eg yesterday someone told me I should pack up and move abroad (career prospects are fab abroad for my specialism) right before my DD sits her GCSEs and that she would be better off for it? That I don’t need the SKELETAL support network I have, I could take my pets and everything would be super. Said I was a martyr for not going!
Find some single mum friends (Facebook groups?) in similar situations. There are lots of us out there!!
We do BUDGET weekend breaks through the newspaper- find a half decent caravan park and go a few times, it will become familiar and welcoming. You don’t need to go abroad, plus you can take the pooch.

Ways I save money: buy pet food online in bulk, cancel tv licence, have an older model phone- no one will notice anyway, down grade your car if you can to a 1 litre/low car tax bracket, make flap jacks instead of buying snacks, all gifts to family etc can be handmade by dd or a photograph you have taken in a frame from the poundshop
(I still do this and DD is almost 15!) Every little helps. But I’d advise not giving up work. I know it is knackering but it is using your brain and distracting you from wallowing to some extent. Plus it’s good for your self esteem and gets you out of the house and gives you a break from being stuck indoors with dd cut off from everyone.

I really hope something I’ve written will help. Just remember, you’re not alone even if you think you are.

looondonn · 18/05/2019 23:06

Block her

Did that you do not need that

She may well be another reason why you feel so bad right now

Psychotherapy helped me figure this kind of sh*t out due to horrid people in my life who I have now managed to block
Keep posting on here also
This place can be so helpful
Ignore the mean people I've been through that also and it can really sting especially when life is not going well

BlueJag · 18/05/2019 23:06

Have you consider adoption? It may sound like a terrible idea but it's an option. She still very young and there are many couples that would and could give her a great life.
Don't beat yourself up motherhood it's terribly hard even when things are ideal.

OhMyDarling · 18/05/2019 23:07

Adoption?!

AnotherEmma · 18/05/2019 23:07

WTAF

foreverhanging · 18/05/2019 23:08

If I was closer I'd help you out op, I'm very sorry I'm not

Sagradafamiliar · 18/05/2019 23:08

Are you the wrong'un mum, Blue? Bugger off.

OhMyDarling · 18/05/2019 23:18

Do you also believe in bringing back the workhouse BlueJag? You know, for the rest of the single mums? Maybe they should open up the Foundling Hospital again, that might solve the problem right?
🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
Some people have no idea.

DuffBeer · 18/05/2019 23:22

Your mum is a fucking evil horrible person. No good can come of having her in your life.

As for adoption - I mean come on

BlueJag · 19/05/2019 00:02

What's wrong with adoption? It's a choice. Why would anyone feel like it's wrong??? Not for everyone but for some it is. My parents in law adopted a gorgeous girl and it's being an absolute blessing to the family.
She is a wonderful person with 3 kids for the family to adore. Absolutely nothing wrong with it.

BlueJag · 19/05/2019 00:07

@OhMyDarling don't be ridiculous it isn't about being a single mother or the workhouse. It's about an option if the OP feels she doesn't like her dd or can't cope.
People that adopt desperately would like a child. Is that wrong? Should adoption be abolish? Honestly be pragmatic. We all want what it's best for the child.

AnotherEmma · 19/05/2019 00:07

Nothing's wrong with adoption, you idiot, it's just so obviously the wrong suggestion for the OP!

OhMyDarling · 19/05/2019 00:08

Of course there’s nothing wrong with adoption- but it’s not the answer in this situation!!!
Wow you are pretty special.

imonlyatoyspider · 19/05/2019 00:08

How old is your dd?? If she's under 3 you can go onto uc and they will not expect you to look for work until her third birthday ( as long as you claim child benefit too) if you're better off on benefits, don't struggle. Make the change.

imonlyatoyspider · 19/05/2019 00:10

Sorry, just read that she is 18 months old. Apply for uc and see what happens.

imonlyatoyspider · 19/05/2019 00:15

@EstherMumsnet go away. She hasn't asked for money or tried to scam anybody . This post is unnecessary and you've obviously not been in a tough situation yourself.

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