I don't like my child

[passmeanother]

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

@passmeanother - I'm on the border of Barnet- let's get together. I've got an 8 month old and have really struggled too. Get in touch.

But at least I am clean.
That's the spirit op. Looking on the bright side 😂. Everyone your mum tells you you're awful read this thread and listen to all the folk telling you your strong.

Every time.... Not everyone

OP I’m not in London anymore (I moved to the North East, and if you ever feel like escaping completely and starting afresh, it’s a great and affordable area with career prospects as a teacher).

Speaking of teaching, you are such a trooper. Really. Plenty of teachers who aren’t HODs and don’t have children have breakdowns from their job alone...and look at all you are managing to juggle! Hats off to you.

I’d really recommend looking into the au pair idea if you have a spare room. There is a misconception that they are expensive like nannies, but in fact they are one of the most affordable childcare options. I personally wouldn’t recommend one instead of nursery as they are young and have varying levels of reliability; but as someone to help out, do nursery pick up and/or drop off and look after your dog, it could be ideal. If you’re in London you might be a desirable host even with a house in need of repairs.

Hello everyone

We've had a number of reports from people concerned about this thread so, as we usually do in these circs, we're putting our heads round the door with some important reminders.

Right now we can't see any evidence to indicate that the OP isn't above board – if we did, we'd remove the thread straight away. But the truth is that, sadly, we at MNHQ can't know with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine, no matter who they are or how long they have been here. As frustrating as it is, we're not able to vouch for anyone here.

So we always ask users to remember that not everyone on the internet is who they say they are – and remind folk not to give more to another poster, either financially (in cash or gifts) or emotionally (in time or care and support) than they'd be prepared to lose if things went wrong. We strongly advise against parting with any cash or giving away your personal details, and if you receive a PM which makes you uneasy - report it to us and we’ll take a look.

Sorry to hijack your thread briefly there, OP – we really hope you get it all sorted soon. In the meantime, you might find some useful information on our guide for dealing with financial difficulty

You are an amazing Mum because you have fought hard to keep her safe by getting your ex out of both your lives. Young babies are hard work so many people feel exactly the same as you do. Ease off on yourself today was a crap day tommorow will be better you can do it.

OP, it'll be half term next week. If DD can go to nursery as if you were working, that'll do her no harm and give you a bit of a breather.

Is religion a thing you could get into? My synagogue have been a lifeline for me and other mums at times, I hear churches can be the same.

Have a plan. Always have a plan for the next day and build in enough stimulating/fresh air stuff that you feel OK about the Peppa Pig the rest of the time.

TV and dummy are totally fine. Don’t even worry about them right now.

Hi OP, not RTFT however, I have to comment as my story is almost identical to yours except my son is now 3. IT GETS BETTER. So much better once they are walking and talking and interacting properly and getting themselves dressed.

also, childcare costs drop a lot. You get 30 free hours a week, I used to come home after work (full time 8.30 - 6pm) and cry every.single.night from exhaustion but now I can finally say I'm happy.

Practical things you could do are to find better dog arrangements, it's £50 a week here (lunch time walk) which is enough for a dog over 3 or 4. Look into what childcare options you have from 2, as a lone parent can you get free hours? And have you checked if you can get any uc? Finally you need respite - if you don't have family or friends, talk to your hv you really aren't the only one in this situation, here home start match you with a volunteer and depending on circumstances, they can give you a break or just support you

passmeanother fellow single parent here who could write your OP and subsequent posts almost word for word.

Nothing helpful to add because I haven't figured out any magic solutions myself yet either but just wanted to offer my support

I hope you feel some support from this thread and the PMs

Thanks all. I feel a bit violated by all the reports and the mnhq message! Jeez I just wanted a bit of support...

You are so obviously depressed, it's screaming out from your posts.

Your circumstances are clearly difficult but the main problem is the way you are seeing everything through a negative and defeatist lens; that's classic depression. It's not your fault, it's an illness and you need effective treatment.

Your colleagues are right. You need to see the doctor and get yourself signed off sick. Give yourself a breather. Consider changing your meds (higher dose or different type) and consider whether you could fit in CBT somehow; it's often possible to do it over the phone and there are online resources and apps too.

About finances. Are you getting any benefits other than child benefit at the moment? My advice would be to do benefits calculations for the following 3 scenarios (ask Citizens Advice if you don't feel able / comfortable to do this yourself):

1. Staying in your job - Universal Credit includes help with childcare costs so you may well be eligible for it even though you're working full time
2. Going part time (reducing hours in current job or getting a new part time job) - you might find that you are not much worse off since you will pay less NI/tax and your UC entitlement will go up
3. Long term sick leave - obviously only relevant if you and your doctor agree this is necessary - but it might be reassuring to know what the finances would look like if you had to do this. (You will get contractual sick pay for a while and then SSP but will also be entitled to UC)

Depending on the figures, my advice would be to go part-time but use more childcare than you need for work (ie you work 3 days and DD is in nursery 3.5 or 4 days) if you can manage it within your budget. That will keep you sane. See if you can find a good babysitter too (are nursery staff allowed to babysit? Ours aren't but we use one who has now left)

Last but definitely not least. Cut contact with your mother! Have you ever read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and/or the Stately Homes threads on here?

So sorry it's so hard - I get it. I'm always felt like a shit mum - not enough of me to go round

Please take notice of the UC warnings though. It is appalling the way women (and it is mostly women) are penalised.

I don't have any pat answers - maybe see your GP to try a different AD?

Basically, it's fucking hard - been doing it for nearly 10 years. I also love my kids to the moon and back but I resent the shit situation I've been in for so long

Thanks anotheremma, lots of good advice there.

And also thanks to the other posters who suggested a Disney film. We watched alladdin ( well the first few scenes ) When my horrible mother left us alone.

My little pal has gone to sleep now, I am waiting for Chinese. Dog is curled up at my feet. I need to do a lot of thinking this evening re finances...

Also apologies to all who thought I wasn't genuine!

WTF with that MNHQ message?!

It never crossed my mind that you weren't genuine, OP.

I do hope things get better for you.

You definitely sound depressed trust me I've been there. And a long time ago been in your situation. I feel so sorry for you, you need at least one good solid friend to help you. It must be so hard for you without that. I don't know how you direct message on here but if that's a possibility and you ever want to chat please feel free to message. We all need to vent. Your working so hard. You have lost every bit of enjoyment out of being able to spend quality time with your DD. No surprise when your working like you are. I would seriously consider rehoming the dog. Hardest thing in the world to do but that would cut out a hell of a lot of stress. And cost. And then couldn't you consider part time with benefits, without that huge dog walking fee. And you would be able to cut the nursery down. It's so easy for us all to dish out advice on here. We aren't living your life. But the priority is to get you some joy back into your life. And more quality time with Dd. If you were able to get yourself and Dd extra time together. And things calmed a bit maybe you would be able to make a few new friends and more doors will then open for you. First thing before anything you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Your doing the best you can. Maybe go back to Dr see if a change of anti depressants may help sometimes if you have been on them a while they need changing. I hope that you can make some positive changes to improve your lives.

You have great advice here.

Contact your GP & HV, ask both for help

Re-home the dog, you cannot afford the expense

Ask a friend to look after your DD for a couple of hours. Write a list of what is wrong with the house & email to your LL asking for repairs. Visit B&M or similar and replace glasses etc that are chIpped

Your Mum is toxic. Stay away from her and keep her away from DD

It sounds like you are doing remarkably well

I say this because I have been through very similar and did not manage in the way you are

Did you ever wonder if the b**tard left you with PTSD

Can you possibly consider counselling in your lunch break ??

From my own experience I have to stay away from the booze as I can't control myself and feel so anxious the next day

I work in North London would be happy to meet

Do not get rid of your dog

How dare anyone suggest this

That is so wrong and not what OP needs to hear fck sake

Thanks for all the support; had yet another horrible message from my mother...telling me I am shit and that dd would be better off in care. Yeah cheers mum:

Baby girl is tucked up in bed. Dog is next to me.

I just don't know how to move forward feeling like I do

I’ve read the posts of MyFrugalYear on Instagram- it’s really helped me (I’m also a single parent and a teacher) and also uses the Money Dashboard.