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Original poster

I don't like my child

326 replies

passmeanother · 18/05/2019 15:17

Nc for this. I feel like the worst person alive. But I don't like my child. I am a single parent working full time, the father is an utter arse, doesn't see child, doesn't pay maintenance, etc etc etc. Relationship after she was born was horrendous, he was abusive, have various court orders in place (non-mol, prohibited steps etc). Luckily he's left the country.

I resent her. I resent the fact that my life is utterly shit. I worked it out the other day and I would be far better off on benefits. I resent the fact that I never in a million years thought I would end up like this. I resent the fact that I haven't had any time at all to myself since she was born. I resent the fact that I have no-one at all to help me out (my dad is dead and my mother is a toxic bitch who enjoys watching me struggle). I resent the fact that she is half his and he has just walked away with no cares in the world.

I am supposed to take her for a swimming lesson in twenty mins but she is finally napping, and I just can't be arsed. I just can't. But then the guilt hits me. She loves swimming and i am too crap to take her.

I just hate the fact that I don't get a second to myself. I hate the fact that I am judged by all and sundry for being a single parent. I hate the fact that she is in childcare five days a week, and my other mum friends who either don't work or work part time get to spend their time with their child, and I hate the fact that comparatively, she is behind speechwise, and I feel it's my fault because I would rather give in to her by giving her a dummy just so I can have some peace, and I can't give her the attention she deserves when I pick her up as I am fucking shattered from work.

It's not her fault, it's the situation I've been left in. She's a lovely child, she really is. But I can't help feeling like this. Please can someone help me differentiate between the fact that I hate this situation, and not her...

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 19/05/2019 00:41

^Have you consider adoption? It may sound like a terrible idea but it's an option. She still very young and there are many couples that would and could give her a great life.
Don't beat yourself up motherhood it's terribly hard even when things are ideal.^

There are not many times I tell another poster to do one. But which glue have you been sniffing?

Jaffacakesandunicorns · 19/05/2019 00:52

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AlunWynsKnee · 19/05/2019 00:54

I think you should go on the sick on Monday. You need some space. Dd can go to childcare as normal and you can sleep all day for a couple of days.
Go and see the GP and explain that you have hit breaking point. You cannot cope. Teaching at your level can break a person with all the support. You have none and are a single parent to a 2 year old and that's challenging in itself. You can't be sacked for a week off in your job.
Drop your mother. She's worse than no help.
Think about relocating to a cheaper area.
Don't assume that all your coupled up friends are enjoying family time. Not all of them are having fabulous family time.
It will get easier financially and emotionally as they get older. There will be more space.
You aren't a bad mother, you're a desperate woman.

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RedToothBrush · 19/05/2019 00:54

Its 1am. Some people have clearly drunk more than me tonight.

looondonn · 19/05/2019 00:55

Oh my god

Some of the posters on here you should just f--k right off

Why don't you read the full thread before you post 😡😡😡

RedToothBrush · 19/05/2019 00:57

And I'm on 5 gins.

Jaffacakesandunicorns · 19/05/2019 00:59

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imonlyatoyspider · 19/05/2019 01:17

@Jaffacakesandunicorns unnecessary and nasty.

greatandpowerfulozma · 19/05/2019 01:21

Hey, I don’t have any advice to add on top of what’s been said already, but I am firmly in the I think you’re amazing camp. I do, you should be so proud of yourself for surviving and keeping going.
Like others said keeping the lights on, putting food in your dd’s belly and giving her love is great work.

You are enough
You are doing enough

Big hugs Flowers

Zofloramummy · 19/05/2019 01:50

Hey OP I’ve been a single mum for 6 years. Since my dd was about 18 months old. It’s bloody scary being the only adult. I felt overwhelmed by it all at times. I also drank a bit more than was healthy for me. I worked as a manager in the NHS and it was a stressful job. I was tired, broke and depressed.

There was no light bulb moment for me that improved how I felt but there were a few things that definitely helped. I had counselling, I read a lot of self improvement books, I moved jobs into a less stressful one. Most importantly I was kind to myself and realised I wasn’t fucking superwoman!!

Today DD and I haven’t got out of our pj’s we’ve chilled on the sofa and read books, played games, chatted and then watched Eurovision. It’s been a lovely chilled day. She’s 8 now and it is a lot easier.

There is some unnecessarily rude posts and I suggest you ignore them. All you can do is your best, if your dd is warm, fed, loved and happy then you are doing a good job!! Lower the bar a little, take the pressure off yourself to be perfect.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 19/05/2019 02:06

Hey OP. Please please cut yourself some slack. I didn't read the words of a failure. I read the words of a woman who is alone, stressed, worn out. A woman who is doing her very best under difficult circumstances. The fact that you are feeling guilty suggests that you do love your daughter. You're just emotionally and physically burnt out.

There's obviously a lot that is outside of your control right now, and coming up with strategies to improve things is in itself stressful. I would suggest a really good place to start is on your inner voice and mindset. Google Kristen Neff and self compassion. She is a psychologist and has a great Ted talk on how being gentler and less judgemental towards ourselves can improve mental health.

As you give yourself permission to be less than perfect, the guilt will ease and with it the resentment. And you will be amazed at how much more energy you have when you're not carrying around all those negative thoughts.

Good luck.

Stillneedwillpower · 19/05/2019 02:40

Haven't rtft but have you tried contacting HomeStart for support? They're a charity that help parents with children under 5yo. They help for various reasons including loneliness, generally struggling, depression, needing an extra pair of hands, etc. They'll match you dough a counter who can visit weekly and just be there to talk to or can occupy your dc so you can have a few hours to yourself, etc.

OkPedro · 19/05/2019 02:51

jaffacakes YOU’RE a nasty piece of work and an ignorant fool

OkPedro · 19/05/2019 02:53

stillneedwillpower op has had experience with home start. If you read the thread a lot has already been covered

Totaldogsbody · 19/05/2019 02:59

Hey OP sorry to hear you are in such a bad way. I have 2 now grown up daughters I have the support of a loving husband and father and at times when my DDs were a similar age to your DD I felt utterly useless as a parent. You need to stop beating yourself up, you're tired and frustrated with a life that at the moment seems as though it will never get better but you take care of your DD and worry about missing an activity which your DD enjoys. That sounds to me like a caring parent. I think a PP asked if you had contacted Gingerbread, they could maybe provide you with some much needed support. Could you talk one of your friends into baby sitting for you and reciprocate for them? If I was you,when your DD is having a nap I'd go for one too. Remember the housework will always be there, and as long as you know that underneath the clutter of everyday life things are clean then take time to enjoy little moments with your daughter. I know your dog is very much part of the family so you dont want to part with it, your mother on the other hand sounds like a right bitch maybe you should part with her and stop letting her play you. Sorry OP maybe not the best advice but the best I've got to give, Good luck and remember " The Golden rule of parenting is..Do unto your children as you wish your parents had done unto you." or something like that.

PackingSoap · 19/05/2019 03:42

You sound knackered.

If I were you, I'd prioritise sleep. When your dd goes down for a nap at the weekend or goes to bed, go and lie down yourself. If you go to bed when she does, it will also prevent you drinking alcohol by default, and alcohol will not be helping how you feel.

I'm currently a sahm to a 20 month old and can't manage without a daytime nap at the weekend. I also go to sleep when she does. Children of this age are exhausting, and I've discovered the best way to deal with it is to keep life very low key.

And don't flog yourself over her speech. I spend all day with my dd, and the words she will say have no relation to the words I've been trying to teach her for months. Hmm

Also, if your dd is in a childcare setting, she's getting a lot of socialisation already in a fairly dynamic and busy environment. Maybe, at home, what you both need is calm and quiet with just a trip out for a short walk on a Saturday/Sunday.

Also when it comes to showering, I take dd in with me and wash her after I do myself.

I've found it does get easier as the months go on. I get my selfhood fix from watching boxsets and talking about them on reddit, and keeping a journal written from the perspective of a fictional person. Grin

Please don't be so hard on yourself. You have to give yourself some slack.

nespressowoo · 19/05/2019 04:01

OP get in touch with your HV and see what help is available.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to get help otherwise your DD will (or May already) start to feel it x

nespressowoo · 19/05/2019 04:01

OP get in touch with your HV and see what help is available.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to get help otherwise your DD will (or May already) start to feel it x

Ruru8thestars · 19/05/2019 04:14

You are having a horrendous time but it will get better

PatricksRum · 19/05/2019 05:11

OP you're near me, would you like to PM me? Single parent too

HotChocolateLover · 19/05/2019 07:04

Seriously, get rid of the dog. That’s roughly £300 pcm and wouldn’t that mean you could drop a day a week at work? I know i’d rather spend time with my child than have a dog. You can always get another one later in life.

belle40 · 19/05/2019 07:36

How are you today OP? I don't have much to add but one thing I have found helpful is to book a babysitter one evening a week (one of the nursery staff) and go for a run or take my dog for a longer walk. It may not seem much but it gives me a point of breathing space in the week. Just as a comparison, I'm in the SE (v close to London) and pay £10 a day for a dogwalker. Is it possible to find someone who is less expensive to help you a bit? My child is a bit older than yours and I'm in academia so I understand the work stresses. I've come to the conclusion that it is probably better to relocate to a less expensive area. This may not suit you, but you will be employable anywhere and I wondered if it would help to have a bit of a fresh start? I worked FT from 6 months after my child was born so I know how tough it is to be the only parent. Lots of brilliant suggestions on here, good luck and know that your daughter will think you are fabulous. You are doing something amazing raising her on your own.

BurpingFrog · 19/05/2019 07:44

@HotChocolateLover I know that financially what you say make sense, but a lot of dog owners would feel devastated and bereft if they gave up their dog, who couldn’t just be replaced by a different one later. And given the special history OP has with her dog, who defended her from her abusive ex, I can imagine she would find it particularly traumatic to lose her.

A lot of people also find dogs are a massive help with depression, as they love-bomb their owners with non-judgemental enthusiasm, and provide a reason to get out of the house to somewhere green no matter what.

BlueJag · 19/05/2019 07:51

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Original poster
passmeanother · 19/05/2019 08:00

Morning, just caught up with the other posts.

I'm ok this morning. I think. We are up and dressed and will go to the park with the dog. Then I've arranged to meet a friend for lunch. Not sure how dd will behave, as it's been a while since we have been out properly so that's stressing me out a bit but I guess at least there will be another pair of hands.

Reading my posts back from yesterday I feel awful for saying those things about her. I think it just came to a head and missing swimming was the last straw. Which I still feel guilty about. She is just a constant reminder of him and what he did I suppose. Which again, is not her fault, and I've got a lot better at seeing past that.

Thank you to all of you who have offered me some really good advice, and who have pm'd me, for some reason I can't get into my own account? Anyone shed any light on that?!

Also, please don't feel in any way that I was begging for money! I was trying to articulate how pointless it is financially working full time, that's all!

OP posts: