I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

[BertieBotts]

Yes orange is a known one for some children. The list of known colours which cause hyperactivity is here:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/food-colours-and-hyperactivity/

I should probably get DS to avoid them TBH. He is a sweet fiend.

[Kleinzeit]

W3XXX Go back to the GP and HV and keep nagging and hammering for an assessment. In a way it was lucky that my DS acted out in school, it was horrible for him and for us but at least it meant they couldn't ignore it and the school backed up the need to investigate.

Imagine how it would be if you really didn't understand who to throw a football to and who not. You are playing with kids of all ages, you want to play with the 2 year old and you get it wrong. You don't understand exactly why throwing the ball was wrong, you get told off and you can see the adults are angry but it still doesn't make sense because they think you already understand about toddlers so they don't explain properly, you throw it at someone else. You get told off and feel angry and miserable and frustrated. Maybe you hit out because you get told off for all kinds of things, whether you do them on purpose or whether you are really trying to play nicely. You only really understand know how to play safely with a baby who doesn't walk and can't play ball at all. That's ASC. And that might be your DS.

You are not a bad parent. You think differently because his behaviour is so different from his brother, and because professionals who should know better don't yet accept that it's different.

[bigKiteFlying]

DD1 grew out of it - luckily - she fine now and has been for years.

Avoiding orange colorants meant the behaviour didn't happen at all for her but it was annoying how everyone else knew better well till they experienced it.

[Pigpogtastic]

W33XXX your son sounds so much like mine. My son is autistic. We have to carefully manage his environment and spend a lot of time teaching him about social rules. Things are better than they have been, and understanding why he behaves the way he does has been incredibly helpful.

Unfortunately, the professionals are not always as helpful as you think they should be and will try to fob you off, like the GP did. You see news reports about ASD diagnoses going up and people saying they give them out to everyone. They really don't. It takes years and a lot of arguing to get one. I would really recommend you get your fighting shoes on.

And to the OP, my son adores hugs. His eye contact isn't bad. He has friends. But he is autistic and sensory overload causes him to lash out as currently that is his only way to express himself. He'd rather not go out. We have come up with strategies and ways to make him more comfortable. Life is a lot better now than when he was 4. I would suggest looking into whether there might be autism or other SEN going on.

[SirVixofVixHall]

The red/orange/yellow colourants and also the bright blue, are to be avoided. I cringe when I see birthday cakes in bright rainbow colours.
My older dd reacts to tartrazine, the orange colourant. She gets slightly hyper, over chatty etc, then crashes and starts to cry. She needed antibiotics at about five, and the paediatric syrup was bright orange. Whenever she had a dose she had a reaction, so we had to change it for adult pills which she struggled to swallow. Mad to put this dye in medicine for a child.
I react to colours too, so we completely avoid them as a family. The orange colourant is also an asthma trigger , and can give UTI like symptoms.

[MumUnderTheMoon]

I don't think leaving would be reprehensible. I think it would be worse for your child to feel everyday that he is living with someone that doesn't really want to be around him. My dad didn't like me or want to spend time with me, he isn't a monster he just wasn't a good dad. But having to live with him was damaging.

[Kleinzeit]

he isn't a monster he just wasn't a good dad

The OP is a very good Mum. She disciplines her DC, she does not shout, she love bombs, she keeps her worst thoughts and feelings from him. But it's still not working for them.

She has been brave and honest to share her feelings here, where they can't hurt her DS, and to ask us for help. We have made many suggestions but I think it's beyond us to figure out what is wrong or tell her what to do. So I hope she finds some real life help, starting from the GP and HV.

Leaving may not be reprehensible but it wont get them that help.

[CookieBlue]

OP I also have a 4 year old.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past four years is that some children are a hell of a lot more difficult than others. It’s luck of the pot in a lot of ways. My DD was very, very hard work from birth to around 3. She still has her moments now but seems to have come through the worst but I totally understand how much those little people can push you to your breaking point!

Things I’ve found that helped me through the worst times were making sure I had time to myself. Seeing friends whenever I could, having a couple of hours break at a weekend, date nights with your partner if that’s possible? Just recharging my batteries.

Really hope things get better for you. You’re not the only mum to feel like this I’m sure. He’s 4, he’s still such a baby. In another few years time he could be a completely different child so don’t lose hope.

[losenotloose]

Haven't read the full thread but can totally relate to op. I did end up going to my gp and they sent someone round to observe ds1 and concluded that he was fine, developing well etc. He's now nearly 13 and things are so much better, although still challenging. Looking back I think it was just a combination of him being genuinely difficult and me having unrealistic expectations. BUT, it does get better. I still don't like his behaviour sometimes, but the feelings of despair and, I hate to say it, hatred have gone. And he's actually a lovely boy!

BertieBotts totally agree with you about AHA parenting. A pile of shite afaic. Actually made me feel inadequate, clueless and false when trying to implement it.

[BertieBotts]

I thought the blue one was banned in the EU now, hence no more blue smarties? Then again doesn't stop folk ordering food colouring online which might have it in I suppose.

[coldwarenigma]

Hi OP, yours is very much a taboo subject. There are a lot of mothers who feel the way you do..just its not a 'done thing' to admit it. Men who realise they have made a monumentally bad life decision and walk away aren't vilified in the same way as women.
I haven't read all the posters comments so I'm sure there is some good advice.
I don't know what your child is like obviously but I do know from bitter experience that's not always something they outgrow...I spent days hours planning how to escape from it..

DS1 was like it, also slept 2 hours in every 24 cat napped during other times, long enough to recharge but not enough for me to recharge, I was told he will get easier at -insert point- weaning, crawling, start walking, playgroup, school....he did improve at 8 until 14 boarding school was the saviour there (scholarship)...structure, high academic expectations, 2 hours sport a day...fast forward to 14 it all started again..11 years of hell, major fails at life decisions including fathering DGC with an equally dysfunctional woman ...then diagnosis of ASD/MH issues through court reports...

I could have predicted all of this at 4 but was told 'he is only a little boy, he is extremely bright, he isn't that bright (he was extremely bright actually, genius level IQ, ) you have PND, it will get better'

Good luck OP....I hope you find a way through...FWIW my son and I have a very good relationship even though he has put us all through shit...and weirdly I do 'love' him even though I don't like what he does although if there had been a bigger gap between him and his siblings they would never have been born....

[converseandjeans]

coldwar I was going to suggest boarding school for the OP if they could afford it! 4 might be a bit small but he could go in a few years.

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

Thanks for all of your replies and PMs, i’m overwhelmed and honestly I haven’t had a chance to read all thoroughly (I will). I feel a bit brighter today. I think it was just a bad day. We had nice story time and cuddles tonight which was lovely. I think I’ll look into the ASD thing. I’ll also reduce/cut out artificial colours, he does drink squash so perhaps I should swap for something else

[MsMustDoBetter]

I know this sounds patronising, but is he tired and hungry?

My DD can go from lovely engaged angel to hideous vile tempered beast in no time. A healthy snack or some down time are the usual sources.

[BertieBotts]

I believe, though I'm not certain, the colours linked with hyperactivity have to display a warning on products containing them now. In any case it's only the mentioned ones. It was a big hoo ha about 10/15 years ago and they took them out of a lot of products. Not sure if posters are referring to children who reacted to them before this change or more recently.

I'm glad you had a nice story time. I still love reading with my DS.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I'm so glad you had a better day. Reading aloud is lovely.

It's not for everyone but I did find counselling very helpful when DS was being assessed. First, it was a safe place where I could express even my worst feelings in private without hurting DS or burdening DH, without shocking anyone or worrying anyone else. Getting the feelings out helped me get past them.

Second, DS was doing some things that really upset me and pushed my own buttons, and even learning why he did them couldn't always stop me feeling that way. The counsellor suggested some strategies I could use to protect myself mentally, for my own sake and also so I could stay calm and react the way DS needed me to. And third, it was a calm peaceful space where I could take time to talk and really think things through - I worked out some very good ideas there!

Hope you and DS find a way through this. A bit at a time

[Stifledlife]

Sodium Benzoate is a preservative that causes hyperactivity in a HUGE amount of children.. and it's in lots of things. Check for that too!

[Ilovecrumpets]

Hi OP

I’m another one who just wanted to say I do know how you feel. I have 2 DS - my eldest was also extremely challenging and as you are describing your son. I love him but I still wake up each day slightly on edge as to how he will behave. I regularly end up in tears in the evening ( I’m a single mum). For a long time I thought I was just a rubbish parent/shouldn’t have had kids. My youngest DS is different - yes challenging but just so much more manageable. I think parents who have children like my youngest DS must find it difficult to understand what it’s like to have a truly challenging child - for whom the usual strategies just don’t work.

Anyway like many others on this thread my DS is year 2 and has now been diagnosed with ADHD and possibly sensory processing disorder. I don’t know why but just having the diagnosis has made me find his behaviour easier ( also because I guess it removes that deep fear that he just isn’t a ‘nice’ child which is terrible but I did feel).

Not in anyway suggesting this is your son but it is worth keeping an open mind about. to you - it’s a horrible, lonely place to be.

[Ilovecrumpets]

@Kleinzeit can I just say that I found your description of how it might feel to be ASD so helpful, it actually made me a bit tearful thinking about my son.

[cestlavielife]

Please.get some help via gp and hv.
Behaviour support for ds
Support for you therapy.
My d's was very challenging behaviour (has syndrome with asd sld) his dad and I had the same child.same.challenges...his dad now.exp could.not cope and I see now.it s largely due to.exp underlying then untreated MH issues

[BlueEyedBengal]

Emergency appointment with your g p if he's well behaved with others and you d p then this poor little fella feels how you feel about him and is feeding off it. I think that you need to check out depression as even if you think you are not it may well be the case it might be. I have 5 boys and a girl. The girl has autism and my 10 yr old boy has autism, my 11 yr old has a d h d all can challenge you nerves but I have never felt I hated anyone of them. So please get your self a medical just to see if you need meds to make you relax and give your son the love all children need.

[thewrongpigeon]

@BertieBotts I really liked your post. I place mark so I don't lose a thread - the advice on these kind of posts at always helpful to me! Your son sounds similar to mine OP. I know mine has SEN but it's so hard to figure out exactly what those are (he'll be assessed but who know when). Sounds awful but I actually hope it's ASD and things aren't just crap for no reason.