Interesting that a lot of posters whose children were similar later found out they had SN. DS1 has ADHD. It's not very severe and was only diagnosed when he was ten but TBH I should have sought advice earlier, I kept on just thinking I was crap but I think he was especially difficult looking back TBH. And actually, still is a lot of hard work. I definitely underestimated the hard work of parenting, I thought it would be things like night feeds and cleaning up after them which was hard but it's not is it? It's all the emotional stuff. Children are not meant to be grateful, and we do them a disservice by expecting them to be IMO. But it is bloody hard when they seem so resentful of every little thing.
I also used to write down one positive thing every day. I remember a long streak where it was the same pretty mundane thing for several days in a row, which made me feel terrible, but I did it anyway.
What I absolutely should not have done was carry on, thinking "it will get better when he goes to school" "it will get better when the weather's nicer" "it will get better when..."
I should have realised that I was in crisis, and acted like it was an emergency, because honestly? It was!
I had counselling and it didn't help because I wasn't struggling with trauma or unhealthy beliefs, I was just struggling with a hard situation.
What also didn't help is that I am crap at consistency and boundaries etc - these are just things I find really hard. I've got a bit better at it but I've learned what I have to do is "put my parenting hat on" - now that is EXHAUSTING but I've learned to treat it a bit like a job. You've got to use your partner and any other supports you have to help with this, but essentially, have "shifts" where you're on, decide what your role is and do that, and understand that like any job it's possible to burn out from it, so make sure you get regular breaks. That's more difficult if you're both working a lot and/or have a low income but it is so important for mental health so very much worth prioritising. Breaks in the form of taking time out in the day to sit with a coffee for 15 minutes, however you achieve that, but also time to yourself for a few hours whenever you can carve that out, time to spend with friends/doing adult stuff etc. Not work - that might be a different question but in addition to work/study, if you're doing those things.
And cut down on passive, alone screen time. Screen time is a catch 22 because it occupies them without your input, they tend not to moan about it, there is no clean up or set up to do, and it stops them being annoying in general! BUT, and it's a huge but, the more screen time they have in general, that is time they are effectively NOT being social/learning empathy, NOT interacting with you specifically to build a relationship/respect, NOT using their creativity, NOT being independent, NOT learning patience, because it's just a constant stream of entertainment. It's FINE to use in moderation but if you use it too much it really does lead to more of the behaviour you're using it to get away from! It's sooo tempting to slip into more and more screens but it is absolutely counterproductive, it makes things as a whole worse. Cut it down and use it for the breaks if you have no other way of getting them, but use it only for that. If this is a problem I'd suggest to halve the current amount of screen time allowed per day. If it's still a problem, halve it again. It gets worse before it gets better, if they've been reliant on it, and the longer they have the longer it takes to even out after the backlash, but it's worth it long term.
It's a shame in a way because I sort of thought that I'd just be able to relax with my children and enjoy their company, but that part comes much later. You've got to wear the parent hat quite a lot to be able to have the relaxing part work properly. In teh meantime it is worth gritting your teeth and dealing with tough stages.