I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

[BlueMerchant]

Your poor DS. I think he's picking up on how you feel about him. 'Love bombing' him means nothing if he isn't consistently made to feel safe, secure and the most special person in your life.
I've been at the end of my tether but always absolutely adored them unconditionally and most importantly I make sure they know it. I could never have started a thread 'I hate my DS...'.

[SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc]

Threenager is a term used nowadays has he just turned 4? Mine was similar at that age stroppy,didn't want to do things,miserable etc then he snapped out of it around 4.5/5 .I'm sure I read that get a hormone surge (?) Around this age

[bobstersmum]

My middle child is 5 and he's very challenging a lot of the time. I myself feel like crying sometimes as he can be so difficult and quite awful. But I still love him and I definitely don't wish he didn't exist. You really do need to seek professional help op.

[DotForShort]

How long have you felt this way? Do you think you properly bonded with him as a baby?

It is 100% normal to feel frustration and annoyance with one's children occasionally (or even regularly). But saying that you hate your own child and that he is ruining your life are quite extreme emotional reactions. He almost certainly knows that you dislike and resent him (without being able to articulate it) and acts up even more. You've got yourselves into a negative feedback loop which is difficult to break out of. Difficult, but by no means impossible.

If you really want to change course, it absolutely is not too late. But it would require a commitment to changing not just your approach to parenthood but your mindset as well. Family therapy, specifically focused on parent/child interaction could be worth exploring.

[Apileofballyhoo]

How long have you felt this way? Do you think you properly bonded with him as a baby?

I was going to ask something similar - I wondered if you ever felt love for him at any stage of the past 4 years. DS is 11 now but I remember so many times just wishing he'd go to sleep because I was at the end of my tether. And he's a well behaved little boy and always was, just energetic and needy. The thing is though, when he'd fall asleep and I had a bit of time for myself I'd go back to feeling the huge love if I peeped in at him sleeping.

You said your DP loves the bones of him. Did you ever feel you loved him like that? As a newborn, a 3 month old, when he started to smile, or crawl or took his first steps or said his first words?

Was he a badly behaved toddler? Terrible twos? Threenager? At what point did you stop feeling love and start feeling nothing but anger, or did you ever feel love?

Do you feel anger all the time? Are you tense and stressed constantly because you're just waiting for him to kick off?

When my brother was dying I was so stressed that any tiny bit of DS not co-operating would make me feel complete irrational rage. DS was being normal as he's a child, but there was something hugely stressful in my life at that time. So I'd leave the room to calm down. If DS was the cause of the stress I don't know how I'd feel or cope.

I think you need some help to help you cope with an enormously stressful situation. If you came on here saying my DH is an alcoholic and I hate him I'd say the same. When something in life is enormously stressful we do need help. Especially when it's something we can't get away from.

[Dieu]

Is there any chance that he may have ASD? I remember when my eldest daughter (now nearly 18) was your son's age; we took her to Disneyland Paris, and when we got there, she refused to leave the room! It's the 'not wanting to go out' part of your story that stood out for me. Some years later she was diagnosed with high functioning autism ... and is still a complete homebody!

[NeatFreakMama]

IHateUncleJamie agreed. It’s the differentiation between them as a person and their behaviour.

[Singlenotsingle]

There was a TV program on last night about a difficult 😬 boy aged 9. They got a child psychologist in to teach the parents how to work together, and curb his outrageous behaviour. Worth watching.

[PJMasksAreOnTheirWay]

Don’t rule out the autistic spectrum. My DS can be cuddly, he makes eye contact, and if you met him you would think he was a perfectly normal child. He’s also really clever.

But he’s on the spectrum. Behaving whilst at nursery or the childminders or school and then having temper tantrums or acting out at home is part of their behaviour. It’s called masking. Mine will cope at school then explode at home. It’s because they haven’t got the skills to not behave that way, not because they’re behaving that way on purpose. It’s just a thought.

[CountFosco]

responding negatively to someone who is miserable all the time, yells at you and refuses to cooperate in any way with you is not a sign of depression. Its a perfectly normal response to someone being emotionally abusive towards you.

I read that as being the child's response to his mother hating him.

OP, you are the adult, he is the child, you have to be responsible and the bigger person. However annoying a child is being you have to be consistent in your behaviour and you have to keep loving them. You are the parent. I would assume undiagnosed PND on your side (because frankly that is the best possible option here but also I know several people where PND has dragged on for years and it has damaged the bond between parent and child. You need to try and mend that now for your son's sake). Parenting classes could help all of you break the cycle.

The best advice on here is go to your GP, get a break (either by your DH stepping up, does he know how desperate you feel?, or by paying for more childcare), and take some parenting classes. Don't try any of the 'home remedy' advice on here to be strict or soft, this is your child's life and you have to learn how to love him. If he does have SN he'll need your love even more.

[thewrongpigeon]

Place marking I'm so tired but need to fully read & reply tomorrow.

[peridito]

another place marking

[NoSauce]

Why are people place marking?

[BertieBotts]

Interesting that a lot of posters whose children were similar later found out they had SN. DS1 has ADHD. It's not very severe and was only diagnosed when he was ten but TBH I should have sought advice earlier, I kept on just thinking I was crap but I think he was especially difficult looking back TBH. And actually, still is a lot of hard work. I definitely underestimated the hard work of parenting, I thought it would be things like night feeds and cleaning up after them which was hard but it's not is it? It's all the emotional stuff. Children are not meant to be grateful, and we do them a disservice by expecting them to be IMO. But it is bloody hard when they seem so resentful of every little thing.

I also used to write down one positive thing every day. I remember a long streak where it was the same pretty mundane thing for several days in a row, which made me feel terrible, but I did it anyway.

What I absolutely should not have done was carry on, thinking "it will get better when he goes to school" "it will get better when the weather's nicer" "it will get better when..."

I should have realised that I was in crisis, and acted like it was an emergency, because honestly? It was!

I had counselling and it didn't help because I wasn't struggling with trauma or unhealthy beliefs, I was just struggling with a hard situation.

What also didn't help is that I am crap at consistency and boundaries etc - these are just things I find really hard. I've got a bit better at it but I've learned what I have to do is "put my parenting hat on" - now that is EXHAUSTING but I've learned to treat it a bit like a job. You've got to use your partner and any other supports you have to help with this, but essentially, have "shifts" where you're on, decide what your role is and do that, and understand that like any job it's possible to burn out from it, so make sure you get regular breaks. That's more difficult if you're both working a lot and/or have a low income but it is so important for mental health so very much worth prioritising. Breaks in the form of taking time out in the day to sit with a coffee for 15 minutes, however you achieve that, but also time to yourself for a few hours whenever you can carve that out, time to spend with friends/doing adult stuff etc. Not work - that might be a different question but in addition to work/study, if you're doing those things.

And cut down on passive, alone screen time. Screen time is a catch 22 because it occupies them without your input, they tend not to moan about it, there is no clean up or set up to do, and it stops them being annoying in general! BUT, and it's a huge but, the more screen time they have in general, that is time they are effectively NOT being social/learning empathy, NOT interacting with you specifically to build a relationship/respect, NOT using their creativity, NOT being independent, NOT learning patience, because it's just a constant stream of entertainment. It's FINE to use in moderation but if you use it too much it really does lead to more of the behaviour you're using it to get away from! It's sooo tempting to slip into more and more screens but it is absolutely counterproductive, it makes things as a whole worse. Cut it down and use it for the breaks if you have no other way of getting them, but use it only for that. If this is a problem I'd suggest to halve the current amount of screen time allowed per day. If it's still a problem, halve it again. It gets worse before it gets better, if they've been reliant on it, and the longer they have the longer it takes to even out after the backlash, but it's worth it long term.

It's a shame in a way because I sort of thought that I'd just be able to relax with my children and enjoy their company, but that part comes much later. You've got to wear the parent hat quite a lot to be able to have the relaxing part work properly. In teh meantime it is worth gritting your teeth and dealing with tough stages.

[BertieBotts]

re Placemark - not to look for updates I don't think but because if you've been there you prob have stuff to add but it's a tough thing to write and requires time. My last post was on the go since yesterday lunchtime!

[Stifledlife]

My youngest plotted my death from the age of about 2.5. He used to lay traps for me.. trip hazards and the like, and he used sit in my lap and tell me how he was going to scoop my brains out through my eyes, how much he hated me and how he would kill me.

He was like this with no one else, although he was difficult to manage for everyone.

It turned out he was reacting to artificial colours and preservatives. After I worked it out and pretty much changed to organic everything, he was a different child, although it took 3 months to get it out of his system. He is a delightful and very charming young man these days, and in the family we refer to incidents when he was little as "when he was on colours".

Inside your child is a lovely little boy, I'm sure. He is putting on his most acceptable behaviour for everyone else and releasing it all when he gets
home. There will be a reason, and you can't give up because you're his mum and you're all he has.

Start looking for patterns, and start depersonalising his nastiness. It isn't him, it's his behaviour that's the problem.

Good luck .. my heart goes out to you. x

[user1494055864]

OP, can you have a long chat with the childminder about it, surely she has to take them out?!! They can't be stuck in the house while there all day. If he really isn't that bad with her, which I find hard to believe, then can you ask her for help? Maybe take him there on your day off, and stay with them for the day to see how she deals with him.

[BallyHockeySticks]

BertieBotts really good post. It's made me question whether we are letting DS spend too much time doing jigsaws and logic problem books by himself. We do sit down with him and help but probably not as much as we should. And we need to balance it against his need for downtime, as well as our own.

User's idea of a proper talk with the CM is a good one. I wonder if there is more structure, routines, timetable etc which help lots of children to feel secure, not just autistic ones. It also reduces reliance on any sort of internal routines they might have invented. DS used to have epic tantrums if we served the wrong pudding on Saturdays. It took him years to tell us the problem was he was expecting a particular pudding - he just couldn't have articulated it at 4. Finding out about his autism has transformed him, to us, from someone who was very unpredictable and threw epic tantrums for apparently no reason, into someone who is reacting in understandable and predictable ways.

We are not talking about magically fixing everything at a stroke, but sometimes you get to the point where you just have to change something. The act of changing something gives you hope, and a bit of sanity back.

I still think you need to talk to GP/HV OP, irrespective of whether your feelings towards your son come from genuinely awful behaviour or something more within you.

[peridito]

I wonder if the change from routine of the child minder, the OP possibly trying too hard to have a special fun day with him and tiredness from 4 days getting up and off to the CM is some of the problem ?

Maybe a lower key day ,TV and short outing would work better .

[Turpy]

Blimey what a thread 😱😱. (Advance apology for rambley post)

OP, I hear you! To be honest I'm surprised more parents don't feel like you do. I don't know about all the advice you've been given on this thread. Some comes across as though some posters think there is a magic pill that can sort everything out.

If I were you I would double check all the 'basics' which, I suppose, would include you having a chat with the GP so you can double check you are ok.
I would also double check everything is ok physically with your son maybe you could ask for an appointment with the doctors to try and rule anything out .

My kids are older now but I found them having good sleep habits and having enough sleep was the most important thing.

Also double check other physical things such as his diet, exercise etc etc

Once you are sure the basics are all
Ok then you can look at what you can do differently. Does he need a more structured day or a less structured day. Is he bored? Does he need more exercise? Etc
Can you get more time alone? Pay for a babysitter or something? (Understand that might not be possible). What about hanging out with friends more? When my kids were driving me crazy I found meeting up with friends made everything a lot better.

Finally, even if your kid continues to be annoying it will seem a million times better once he is older and more independent.

[BertieBotts]

I don't think you need to worry about jigsaw puzzles and logic books Not quite in the same league as unrestricted youtube, is it? And they aren't programmed to be addictive/hook you in like youtube or mobile games or commercial TV is. It's the passive type of entertainment which is the problem, not a child doing things alone.

[bigKiteFlying]

It turned out he was reacting to artificial colours and preservatives.

DD1 reacted to orange food coloring - some fish fingers and squashes. People insisted we were making it up then they'd give her some and she was bouncing off the walls it was really noticable.

If you do think it could be something like that - try a food diary see if they are any patterns.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

OP, just catching up with your updates and you say your child can’t be ASD and mention eye contact, cuddles etc. They are myths to be honest! My ASD son is good with eye contact and he also loves a cuddle albeit on his terms. He’s also a very sociable and friendly little boy although the way he likes to play can be a bit controlling and he can alienate himself sometimes but I wouldn’t rule ASD out on the basis of the things you mentioned.

[W33XXX]

Op I haven't read all the replies though I can totally relate to your story. I have two sons, eldest is 6 and youngest is 2. My eldest has been at this stage since he was three years old and everyone kept saying he'll outgrow it soon ... I'm still waiting 😭 he goes through phases where's he's not so bad, and I would say has episodes that are easier to deal with, can sometimes go a few days being alright with his dad and me and good as gold for everyone else, then he reverts into the Tasmanian devil 😭 there is no telling him, no calming him down, and like with your son he's so head strong that there's no getting him out the frame of mind he's in.

He ruins days out, I am always the parent on the side shouting his name telling him to calm down, not be so rough, not be so evil. It's embarrassing and tiring.

Only the other day, while in the garden playing nice, he picked up a football and threw it at my friends little girl who is just under two - he was given into trouble. This fell on deaf ears and within two minutes had picked up the same football and threw it at his brother. He was given into trouble and taken away from the little kids and spoken to. Within around 20 minutes he had picked up a badminton racket and pinging ball and 'smashed' the ball in to his brothers face from a short distance. The noice it made was shocking and the little one was screaming and eye all swollen. He was taken inside and given a stern talking to, had his evening treats removed and was sent to his bedroom only being brought down for his tea. It was caught on ring camera though denies it or makes some poxy excuse - two things that always happens. The only child he is consistently nice to is my niece who is just over 1 year.

He can't just play with toys like a normal kid, he hoards them all up, also seems to be attracted to the things he's told specifically no/ knows he shouldn't be touching / playing with so again always getting told off 😭

I had a cry to my husband the other night about not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel and that it's one step forward two steps back. And how I feel like I hate him because of his behaviour 😳😭.

Yes I'm ashamed to say that but he can be a horrible little boy.

Nursery seen his horrible side on two occasions I was in helping out and couldn't believe his behaviour as in nursery he was consistently good with usual 'little kid naughtiness'. Started school and again good but really struggled to adapt to school routine and had a few meetings with school with regards to this and things they were going to implement to help him adjust - wasn't naughty in school just doing his own thing etc, sorted the school issue slowly but his behaviour in the house was appalling - Tasmanian devil 95% of the time - it was as though he was releasing all this built up emotion etc.

Raised concerns with the gp who said he's just a little boy! Raised it through the school to his Health visitor but they haven't even responded!!

I am literally at breaking point with him.

Some family members who used to say boys will be boys when he would do some naughty things between being nice have recently noticed just how bad his behaviour can be with his dad and I.

Feel like such a bad parent thinking differently of the two boys.