I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

You've had lots of really good advice, but I just want to echo Andoutcometheboobs that this age is sooo hard, or it was with my DS. DD is not quite so bad, but certainly more challenging than she has been. DS got better from 5 upwards, after a year or so at school. I also made more effort to do nice, not challenging things with him. Something we both really enjoy is books, so my 'thing' with him is to read to him each night, more 'grown up' chapter books that I can get into. Famous Five/Secret Seven or some of the earlier Roald Dahl were our choice at that age. We've just done the first three Harry Potter books now he's 7. I definitely notice our relationship deteriorating when we haven't had this special, enjoyable time together. All the other stuff just feels so much more challenging.

I'm not saying it would work for you, but it helped me. I was able to see him as a person in his own right. We'd discuss the book, enjoy it together, try to solve the mystery, laugh over silly voices - it was the only time I enjoyed being with him sometimes, but then it started to spill out into other areas.

Good luck - I know how hard it is to feel like this

Definitely agree about seeing a gp,.... You've got some massive feelings going on there and it's best to seek help sooner. I'm sorry you're feeling at such a dark place with him.

If he's at the CM four days a week then you and your dP on weekends it only leaves one day for you and him.... I have a 4yo and they really need to express their feelings with mum, we're their safe place so all his 'bad' feelings are saved for you. It's bloody hard sometimes, I know, don't get me wrong but, imo, you need to love him unconditionally and it sound alike you really need some support right now.
Telling him the truth about your feelings is such a bad idea, he doesn't need that on his shoulders. Read some Janet Lansbury and similar on Aha Parenting.

We need to stop telling OP to got to the drs as this is in her head for her to deal with. Some children like some adults are really really difficult to get along with, not all children are angelic and joyous and therefore spending time with them when they are so oppositional is tiring and soul destroying. OP, please look up a-z of therepuetic parenting. This is invaluable for tips and coping strategies for 'difficult' children and for decoding their behaviour and hopefully affecting change.

What are people expecting the GP to do?

4 was a frigging awful age for DS1. 3 was pretty bad as well so by the time he was 4 it felt like it had been going on for a really really long time.

He is 10 now and he's lovely. Obviously still has his moments but like a totally different child.

I can share what I think would have helped at the time if it would be useful to you?

Exactly @vladimirpoutine

Agree with Pp too about having more fun... I find if we giggle more then we have way fewer negatives feelings here. Its really important for bonding. I use it to distract them from things they don't want to do, but have to. It sounds a bit trite but it's so true.

OP I totally understand what you're saying and I was the same until a year ago. Whilst I don't want to be 'that' poster, we were having a horrendous time with DS, constant tantrums, screaming, refusal to do ANYTHING, meltdowns every time we tried to do 'normal' family outtings and I was beside myself. He's now been diagnosed with ASD and its SUCH relief, we are no longer 'bad parents' not disciplining him enough nor is he a 'bad child' that needs to learn to behave. We're getting so much support now and the whole house has calmed down. I've now got a lovely relationship with DS, other DS now gets attention and everything is going to be okay. I'm not saying your DS is ASD but perhaps do a bit of reading around to see if the symptoms fit. I also second other posters - please see the GP as this must be horrendous for you. Good luck.

I haven’t told him how I feel, it just grows inside. I do love bomb him even when i’m not really feeling it.

I rarely shout at him as it doesn’t work, I put him in time out and reward good behaviour with stickers but equally he gets a sticker ripped off if he’s too naughty

It is very concerning when you say "he's ruining what would otherwise be a very happy existance". I agree with previous pps you need emergency appointment and toget some parenting support/advice. Please get help and tell your DP how you feel, because it does sound like a form of depression.
You say you are lovely to him but its never enough. Children pick up on this..
Some children are challenging, He's probably more than ready for school, and a bit bored because of that and therefore acting up slightly? He probably needs the extra activity and interaction with lots of other children that Reception would entail.
Can you get him some extra nursery time?

You say he gets on well with your partner, has he not had a word about how he behaves around you?

What are people expecting the GP to do?

Assess if the OP is depressed and try and understand why she’s feeling this way, like someone else asked, whether her own childhood could be causing her to feel this way and maybe go down the counselling route. It’s not something the Op can ignore and maybe the GP is a first point of contact for her?

I will say, Aha Parenting was totally useless to me at this age as it had been following all of the Aha Parenting advice which partly led to the difficulty. Plus all of the preachy "Well I have always shown respect to my children and therefore they are always respectful and kind and lovely to me" crap just boiled my blood and made me feel inadequate, like I'd got it so badly wrong. It is NOT true that you can prevent all bad behaviour simply by parenting respectfully. Sometimes children behave like utterly infuriating shits just because that's the stage of development they are in.

Andrea Nair and her article about the "Fucking Fours" was much better She just "got it" - much more than any of the gentle parenting sites seemed to.

www.yummymummyclub.ca/blogs/andrea-nair-connect-four-parenting/20140714/what-to-do-when-you-have-fallen-out-of-like-with

I'm sorry you feel this way OP ... and as you are so frustrated and aggy with your son, he will be picking up on your negative vibes, and behaving even worse!

YY to people saying about the age of 4. The worst age is supposed to be 2. (The terrible twos?) But IMO it is 4. Mine were as annoying as fuck at that age!!! Moany, irritating, grabby, spiteful, whiny, kept interrupting me every time I spoke to anyone, would not let me and DH have a conversation without butting in! Lasted for about a year. I was so frustrated by it all.

However, it did get better, and your situation will too.

Cannot suggest anything else sorry. Be kind to yourself, and try maybe to do some stuff with your boy that may take his mind off being annoying. Go out more with him, do crafts and painting, ANYthing.

Just know that you are not alone in feeling pissed off with your kids, and you are not a bad person!

I would agree with the posters saying see the GP though. They may be able to help/suggest something...

Good luck.

It is hard, my two DS’ are entirely different. DS1 a dream baby, toddler, and teen. DS2 terrible baby, even worse toddler, but a dream teen so far (16) if I had had DS2 first, there never would have been another!

It really does get easier, you know that, but it doesn’t help when you are in the situation, I know.

What can you put in place to help you through this difficult period, have you told your partner how it’s getting you down? Could your partner help more to give you some space doing something that you enjoy/help you to relax. Have you a relative or friend that could help. Any local parenting groups where you could swap ideas with, your GP may be able to signpost a suitable service.

Good luck OP.

Can I suggest a really practical and structured intervention, like Theraplay? You can find local practitioners on their website. It can give you a chance to engage with him in a really positive way and can help a child with learning how to engage within boundaries. Might help you feel more in control if you have a concrete step you can take to work on the relationship!

Ok so in my work I specialise in PND and psychology.

Some children are just not nice - there has been lots of work done on it and it is rarely published in mainstream as it is not PC, but some people do not have nice personalities. I have lots of friends who have really not nice children - I hate to see them coming to play, so I can only imagine what they would be like to live with. So people rushing to say the problem is with the OP - it may not be, her child may simply not be nice.

It will get better for you as he gets older as he will spend more time away from you and you can at least enjoy the time alone. I hope you can manage to get some plan in place to deal with him so that you can have a good relationship even if he is never going to be your favourite person.

It is OK to feel like this - you just need to have strategies to help you cope. It is great that DP gets on with him - honestly, some people just clash and we cannot all love all children.

And this spoke SO strongly to me at the time as well (sorry the link is such a mess).

I have never fellt such utter despair that I would cry on total strangers as I did when he was 3-4. Perhaps it was a late form of PND? I think it was just an incredibly tough time. It didn't help that I was on my own as well and he wouldn't sleep so I got no alone time.

www.huffpost.com/entry/study-postpartum-depression-lasts-longer-than-you-think_n_6538866?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAM8j_iqckMvfStS2MlxGe41Pruc6OgvN0S2BEFEx3-8Z4-XWE71OaBBSR63NUxdINjlHVM7ugj_HIxEZwn9d_vkz87LASjOlSiXBsu9KAiXNgsGv6mVU1mY8RHzbdnkSoBhqxO_q0gWyplUw5Zgxe6dcsi03b71AZ6jbNIWtkE-l

I agree with seeing your GP. Sounds as if you are depressed.

Beyond that - he is 4 years old. You really need to push through this barrier of him being in control.

Not the worlds greatest analogy I know but if you get a new puppy, and you keep letting him jump on the bed, you have no chance of stopping that when he's an adult. He's used to jumping on the bed and that's how it is.

the same is true with a 4 year old. If from when he's young you say we're going out whether you like it or not, eventually he'll get used to it even if he's being difficult initially. You cannot allow a 4 year old to dictate to you. It's not healthy for them as they will not learn anything about boundaries and acceptable behaviour. They will grow up spoiled and thinking whatever they say goes. you are also setting up a situation where he will not respect you or your parental authority.

Sounds like you aren't managing this because you need some support yourself. Best wishes and hope things improve for you

Is he not at nursery / school during the day? also, might be worth watching some super nanny / Jo Frost episodes on you tube for ideas

I generally find DD to be great, but age 4-5 was the roughest (she's 11 now).

Have you ever looked into love bombing? Definitely worth a try.

I wouldn't tell him he is making you very sad as the poster above suggested (although I agree about the tiredness and getting a GP appt). He's only little and not responsible for your feelings so i don't know if that's a good idea.

^^This. You can’t go on like this because it’s not fair to either of you. If he hasn’t already, your DS will pick up on your feelings and play up even more because he will know that you dislike him. This can lead to a vicious circle of misbehaving because unconsciously he will think “Mum thinks I’m horrible/trouble/difficult so I might as well BE horrible”.

No child is responsible for its parent’s wellbeing so please don’t tell your little boy he’s making you sad. If you have to, you can say his behaviour makes you feel sad/cross/tired. His behaviour is a nightmare but at 4, HE isn’t a nightmare.

I agree that an urgent GP appointment is the way to go as you sound overwhelmed and exhausted. PND can go on for years and can feel very different to depression that you may have experienced before. Please speak to your Doctor ASAP.

You say he is well behaved with the child minder, but not with you. This indicates that there is something you can change to encourage more of the good behaviour he is capable of.

It sounds to me as though you are afraid of his moods, but really you can set the tone and help him to deal with him emotions appropriately.
As PP have said, consistency is key, and letting him know that you are the boss. When children feel that they are in control of the family dynamic, it is very frightening for them because they are not able to handle the responsibility and this can be expressed as moodiness and vile behaviour.

I used to be very frank with my children at this age - they understand far more than we often give them credit for. Eg if they were moaning on a day trip I would - calmly but authoritatively - say something like, "it doesn't matter how much you whinge, we are all spending the day here. So you have a choice: you can continue to whine and feel rubbish, or you can choose to enjoy it and have a good day." Don't bring your feelings into it, but help him to see that he is the author of his own unhappiness in these situations. If he chooses to perk up, make sure you comment on how much happier he is feeling now that he's smiling and taking an interest in things.

Don't let his emotions set the tone for yours. You have to rise above whatever he's feeling or saying and show him the higher ground. Encourage him, and make sure when he is calm and happy you tell him how much you love being with him because he is such good company.

My DS used to ride off on his bike ahead of me. If I tried to catch up with him, he'd only go faster. So one day, before he started to speed ahead, I told him "Isn't it a gorgeous day. I love cycling with you, you're good company". It set the tone for an enjoyable ride, taking in the sights and smells and sounds, and being together in a lovely way. Which is a long way round of saying, you CAN change the dynamic, but you have to set the tone.

Right I'm going to be harsh in my post, I've been your child and the damage caused by a mother who doesn't like/love you is severe and lifelong. Please get counselling around this.

Your son knows deep down you don't like/love him and that is just awful for a child.

I also have a 4 yo and he is hard work, he is grumpy, he is frustrating, he drives me crazy and I get mad with him and sick of the sight of him, but I love him so deeply and so passionately and he knows that deep in his soul and he is happy and secure. I'm not saying that to be smug but to say it is possible to really struggle with a child's behaviour and personality but still like and love them and have a healthy relationship. The relationship you have does not sound healthy and you need to address it urgently.

This is not about you now, you will be damaging your son, it's about him, you need to talk this through with a counsellor and try to fix this.

I wish I had something more useful to give you other than my son (gorgeous boy now, 13) was pretty bloody horrible at four. At one point he headbutted my cheekbone so hard I heard a cracking noise and got a black eye. It is just really, really hard, and it's not just you.