I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

My child was exactly like that when she was 3.5. I took her for blood tests and she had glandular fever!!! Poor little thing was just feeling dreadful and couldn’t tell me.

We live together but DP works 37.5 hours per week and the bus journey is an hour each way. It’s stikl quicker than driving to work though as the main road is the only way in and out of our town to the city and it gets really congested

As others have said, it might be worth visiting your GP.

I have a dd like this, who has affected my mental health. The tantrums were awful but have got slightly better since I have shown her more compassion, the defiance was awful - I read a book 10 days to a less defiant child and it really helped. Every week something new crops up, like last week when she shoplifted. I have an older child and she is nothing like this but with my second dd, I constantly feel on edge, all her emotions are so dramatic and she can swing from being very unkind to wonderfully caring. She is a quirky character and parenting has certainly become a challenge. Offering choice (but with the same outcome) is a good idea, sticking to boundaries etc. is also the way to go as is picking your battles I think.

I do agree with others though, a child shouldn't be told that they're the reason that you're sad, I tell dd that I love her, I just don't like her behaviour sometimes (dd sometimes says that I hate her, when I put in place consequences to her behaviour).

Watching your thread with interest.

OP you can’t live like this. It’s not fair on you or him. I would definitely see your GP to start with and see what they can offer in way of support or suggestions. It sounds like your feelings are complex and even though you’re certain it’s not depression I honestly wouldn’t rule it out. Don’t continue to suffer on your own.

Do you or the child minder have any concerns about his development?

You're presuming posters kids don't do the things you've described. 4 year olds can be holy terrors. Do you get times in the day that are lovely,story time,bath time, playing together?

I don’t think he has aspergers or autism tbh because he’s cuddly, he makes eye contact, he plays normally with his friends at the childminders. I do think realistically it is normal 4 year old behaviour but on the more difficult side of normal. I just don’t enjoy parenting, that’s the truth.

It's fine not to enjoy it. But actually hating your child and wishing he didn't exist is a completely different thing - it's far more extreme - can you see that it's not really a typical way to feel?

Well they’re presuming i’m horrible without walking in my shoes first

Has someone said you're horrible?

Children are not stupid. Lovebombing a child who you don't particularly like will come off as insincere and he will pick up on it.

At the end of the day OP, he's 4. He's still so tiny and he still has so much to learn. I've just come out the other side of this with DD and it was a learning curve for both of us.
But you're the adult. You're the one who he is looking to, to model the right behaviour, to love him, to help him, to understand him.
He needs you to teach him, not write him off as a not very nice kid.

As a PP has said, he doesn't misbehave when he is with the childminder. So it isn't intrinsic behaviour. It's something to do with the surroundings/conditions that he's in when he starts playing up.
It's up to you and DH to pick those apart and work out why he's acting like that and try to prevent/minimise it in future.
I don't mean having the world revolve around him either, but even giving him small (closed) choices so he feels slightly in control of his day.

Things like; 5 minutes of playing and then we're going out, Do you want to wear the red or blue top today? Shall we go shopping first or shall we see the ducks first?
Things that don't inconvenience you, but that help him feel like he is in control of himself.

Imagine if you had a day of lounging around in pjs, watching boxsets planned and someone came in and told you that you needed to get dressed to go out right now. That someone had also chosen your clothes, where you were going, what time you were going and how long you were going for.
The person then tells you that there's no exceptions. It would frustrate you to no end, but that's everyday for a pre-schooler - and they're expected to tolerate it, no buts.
This goes for everything in his life.

He didn't ask to be born, you made that choice. Only to now be saying that your life was better without him. That's not his fault.
I do think some sort of counselling, talking or play therapy may be of use to you - maybe even a parenting course, but harbouring resentment for a child not even old enough to start school yet is not on.

You say you feel trapped, and also that you can't drive. I appreciate this is very very far from the point of the thread, but is that one thing you could address? It would at least give you some independence back which may help a bit.

I have a strong willed child and a more pliable child. The terrible twos kicked in from 10 months and at 8, we're at the awkward point where they are merging seamlessly into the teenage years. For a variety of reasons we are now in the early stages of investigating a variety of SN because overtime all those little things and going from one difficult phase to the next have taken this long to build up a picture that other people will take seriously. All those little things that mystified me and frustrated me are begining to join up into a more coherent big picture... the daily battle to get dressed/ brush teeth, not liking this place, not wanting to do this, not getting the right colour that...

Life was dominated by tantrums from being 1 to 5. He eased off a little around 5-6, 7 was hideous (y2 SATs). Since being open to SN and changing tactics with him, I am improving at diffusing his moods. The "be tough, no nonsense" type approaches are a red rag to a bull with him. I can probably list on one hand the number of incidents he has ever had at nursery/ school/ extra curriculars because he is intelligent, has some social awareness and masks in that kind of setting... then he blows at home when his limit has been exceeded. I get the most shit, because he trusts that I love him and am there for him. He has had me in tears before, and I have told him that I am upset because of (insert behaviour), but it is not him as a person held to account and we do resolve with hugs and love when he is calm.

OP's could be difficult because of SN... or OP could be depressed, especially if there is a history of it. It could be both as they are very strong feelings and behaviours to go through long term, and not just a passing phase. Different parenting styles suit different parents and children. I have to adapt styles and consequences between my two DCs.

Whatever the underlying cause/s of OP's feelings, they will be damaging to OP and her DS to continue unchallenged. The GP is a good place to start to make positive changes.

Sounds like postnatal depression you need to see you GP ASAP.
Talk to your partner also about how your feeling and asked for some family / friend support
Perhaps look into nursery while he still can before reception

Do you get any help from family? Grandparents etc?

AndOutComeTheBoobs

I agree with you. There's nothing wrong with letting a child know that their actions are having a negative impact on the people around them. If your child was behaving in a horrible way towards another child, you would tell them they are upsetting that child. Can't sugar coat everything for kids.

I tell my youngest when he is upsetting me because kids can be hurtful little shits when they want to be. Telling him he is making me sad works better than ignoring him or telling him off. He actually pays attention and will say sorry and give me a hug. I don't shout it at him, I just tell him quietly and calmly.

I’d go full time but it doesn’t make sense when he’s going to school in September and then the day off I have I can spend on myself

Can you give DS an extra day a week at the childminder so you can have a day a week without him? Just doing your own thing and recovering from the stress of managing DS? Maybe go out and have lunch with your DP without DS? Would that help at all?

I don’t think it would be helpful at all for the OP to let her son know how’s she feeling. It would actually be damaging imo.

I felt similar about my first child, she was a horrible baby, cried at everyone, hated the pushchair, hated the car, hated anyone looking at her and just made life so hard, she was diagnosed with Aspergers at the age of 4, she’s now 15 and has a sister who is 13. I have to say “if I could go back, I would not have had children” ,I love them to bits but I miss my freedom and I feel I have missed out on a big chunk of my life, I was Young when I had them (21) and if I had known how hard it would be raising them I would never have had them.

Just because someone doesn’t like their child it doesn’t mean they are depressed, it maybe worth speaking to your go but I think you need to consider options on how to make things easier for you. Can your dp work less and you work more? Can family help out?
He starts school in September which will be a good change, once at school you can look at after school clubs, breakfast clubs etc..., it does get easier and school does change them a lot (calms them down, tires them out and teaches them social skills).

Do you know why he is miserable? Do you know why he doesn't want to go out?

I ask because we had all sorts of screaming melt downs to get out of the house with DD at that age. It turned out she had some anxiety issues that were often triggered by having to put on shoes to get outside.

We have worked through it all with her and quite quickly got to a place where she could tell us when its worth battling and when its just too much....and most importantly we are team together against the problems rather than fighting each other.

I doubt you have the same issue - the point is its very much worthwhile working out WHY leaving the house is an issue rather than just fighting it on a daily basis. If you can get your child on the case to investigate it together then even better!!

I have two children, and there have been points with each one when it has felt overwhelmingly difficult. Parenting can be tough and exhausting. I have never wished I’d never had them but there have been brief moments when I have sat down in tears and felt a pang for the ease of my life pre-children. I am sure many women have those feelings if they have children who are less “easy” (!) . My two are similar in many ways to each other, but need completely different tactics, which doesn’t help. One was very easy at 3-4, and the other was tantrummy and much more tiring.

I have no support other than DH, which made it harder. A lovely Grannie is a gift from heaven when things get tough. Do you have any help at all op ?
Some temperaments just clash, that might be true of you and your little boy, in which case learning to approach things differently might help. It is unusual for a toddler not to want to go out, is he perhaps a bit stuck in the threenager “say no to everything” stage ?

It will change. It always feels like a fixed thing but children are in flux. He will grow and change, and small shifts in the way you deal with him can make a huge difference. He maybe needs firmer rules re breaking things and destroying your stuff. You could also be in a horrible catch 22 where he can feel that you don’t like him much, so gets worse, and then you (understandably) don’t like him much !

I think you need some parenting support , and to learn to have fun with him. What does he like and find fun ?

for you. It will get easier.

I don't think you are horrible at all OP. I would guess many mothers feel as you do but just don't admit it.

Did you want children? If so then I am sad for you that it is not how you expected it to be.

If your child never listened to you, never wanted to go out, kept doing things they shouldn’t like climbing on worktops, breaking your stuff, climbing furniture, throwing things and telling you they don’t like you for years you’d feel this way too.

I have three children they all on occasions to behave like this - in fact I found it was easier to be out the house when they were young - tire them out meant they had my focus not dividing it between house work and them.

Worse was them banding together to get things – (DH used to say well you have to admire their teams work -no no I didn’t) Or seeming to taking turns one after the other to pick a fight or have a tantrum or misbehave.

They weren't like that all the time though - there were lots of good bits. They learnt to listen - repetition and explaining plans in plenty of time before hand – they learnt boundaries constant consistent reinforcement.

Is the childminder seeing this behaviour? Does she think there is anything amiss with his development?

I think you’re going to have to see a GP or HV – either for you or for him – or for both of you -rule out depression for you and any underlying illness or SEN in him.

I think there's a massive difference between crying in front of your child because they've upset you, or you're tired, or saying that a particular action upset you...that is all temporary and part of learning about emotions...and telling them that they make you sad, which I also think would be a very damaging thing to say.

Is there anything underlying about his behaviour- has he been assessed by a paediatrician? Could he have PDA or any kind of spectrum disorder?
How is your mental health? Could you have counselling?
I would speak to your Dr they might be able to connect you with someone who can help you. There is hope :)