I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

[bigKiteFlying]

The memorable occasion when DH said to me "you're not supposed to enjoy family outings you're just supposed to have them".

My DH used to say we do them now so we can enjoy doing them when they are older - if we don't do them now we'll never start doing them.

He was right they did get to the point they were fun - or all the day was fun rather than having to get past the bad bits.

[Kittykat93]

Op your poor son will know you don't like him or spending time with him, you don't sound like you love him at all. I have days where I wish I could have my freedom and things like that but I would never ever wish I hadn't had him or say I hate him. I think you need help

[Missillusioned]

I would check that he doesn't have any health issues that are making him miserable. Things like undiagnosed coeliac disease can result in terrible whiney behaviour because the poor child feels constantly unwell

[BiBiBirdie]

OP I felt like that with my DD at that age.
It's what I now call "the wilfully awful" age. He was, to put it bluntly, a git. Anytime I, and it was specifically me and not DH, asked him to do anything, I would be told, "no" with a stamp of his foot. He would just suck the life blood out of me and I used to count down the minutes until bedtime so I could get rid of him for the night. Except by then, I was exhausted too so would fall asleep.
I genuinely resented him and considered walking.
What changed for me was my GP telling me to man up and take control. Not to allow him to behave in a domineering way, to remember he was far younger, a child and actually, by giving in and not going out, or not making him do as he was told, was not helping him learn. It was reinforcing his negative behaviour.
He said a lot of it is attention seeking and pushing barriers to see how much he could get away with.
I got very strict- no raising if voice or hand but just direct- think teacher tone. If he refused to do something, I would get to his level and say, again more firmly, I have said we are doing this/you need to do this etc. And if he refused again or stamped, it was straight up to his bedroom.
At first he would scream and scream and I would near give up but eventually he got the idea. He was never keen to go to his room but it helped and gradually, it got better.
It also got far better when he went to school, I think they re-enforced the whole good behaviour is rewarded thing.
It's like anyone if you're constantly with each other, you will get on each others last nerve. You need space. So get DP to have him and go for a run or a swim or a walk. Get some time to decompress.

[NeatFreakMama]

AndOutComeTheBoobs are you saying no one can cause another person emotional upset?.

Ah no, I'm saying that telling a child of four that they're the reason you're sad would be unacceptable because it's too large a responsibility for a child of that age to hold. They're just starting to understand emotions, their own and other people's, and that's not fair to push on them at that age.

[WifOfBif]

No these feels aren’t just because it’s a ‘difficult age’, and the OP should absolutely see the GP. If she isn’t depressed he can signpost to other agencies for support - the GP is a gateway to accessing a lot of support.

I work in social care, our advice would be GP first.

Your son will absolutely be picking up on your feelings towards him and reacting to you accordingly. I hope you get the help you need.

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

In which case if they upset another child of their own age, are they too young to be told that they caused the upset?

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

When you put it like that WifofBif I can see what you mean.

I was assuming everyone was just talking about depression.

[outvoid]

Every child is different and some are far more high needs than others. I have four and if I based parenting solely off my DS’s, I’d think it were the easiest thing in the world. Then I had my DD’s and they are completely different, I now see how and why parenting is challenging...

Four is a tricky age anyway but it is also the age they begin school so lots of changes coming up. I think many start to settle once in full time education, it gives them structure.

[TeaRoseTallulah]

Ah no, I'm saying that telling a child of four that they're the reason you're sad would be unacceptable because it's too large a responsibility for a child of that age to hold. They're just starting to understand emotions, their own and other people's, and that's not fair to push on them at that age

I agree.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

I would check that he doesn't have any health issues that are making him miserable. Things like undiagnosed coeliac disease can result in terrible whiney behaviour because the poor child feels constantly unwell
I'm definitely thinking on these lines - imagine trying to take part in lovely days out when you feel like shit all the time. I don't think the OP needs parenting advice she needs medical advice whether for the child or herself.

[MMxO]

My four year old is really similar to yours. I find it easier if I tell him in advance a few days before hand where possible. He also doesn't take no very well so if he wants to go to the park and I can't take him for whatever reason I'll tell him not today but if you behave well I can take you on X day (normally a few days away so it can be an incentive)

Good luck finding a solution for your strong willed 4yo.

[TeaRoseTallulah]

I'm definitely thinking on these lines - imagine trying to take part in lovely days out when you feel like shit all the time

Or you know that the person that's taking you out doesn't actually like being around you? Sorry OP if that sounds harsh but he will be picking up on your feelings even if you think you're hiding them.

The boy is fine with dad and childminders so any health issues would be apparent with them.

[MatildaTheCat]

One of my dc was an absolute pain in the arse. Difficult and confrontational a lot of the time. He was also difficult in other setting such as school. He did eventually improve greatland is a lovely young man.

My friend's son was perfectly behaved at school etc but was unbelievably difficult at home. He was later diagnosed with Aspergers. I believe this pattern of behaviour is quite common. Four is probably too young to assess but certainly askingbyour GP for advice or HV is perfectly reasonable. His diagnosis allowed the family to adapt around him and he has grown into a delightful young man but he was just about as difficult as they come when he was four, but only for his parents.

Hang in there OP and do seek professional advice.

[PicsInRed]

My heart just breaks for you.
You are not alone.
Go and have an urgent (same day) chat with your GP.

theconversation.com/mothers-mental-health-worse-four-years-after-giving-birth-26921

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

I would love being around my DS if he wasn’t the absolute bane of my arse, those making me out to be a horrible person who mistreats my son can walk a mile in my shoes before they put their judgey pants on!!! Frankly fuck off if you’ve come in here to tell me i’m a horrible person. If your child never listened to you, never wanted to go out, kept doing things they shouldn’t like climbing on worktops, breaking your stuff, climbing furniture, throwing things and telling you they don’t like you for years you’d feel this way too. I don’t tell him I hate him, I don’t shout at him. But if you had an otherwise amazing relationship and life and then a little terror comes along and ruins everything you’d feel the same. So fuck off

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

Of my life (not arse, ha at least that made me laugh)

[Hecketyheck]

When my DS was this age, life was hell on earth, I hated it, I hated him, I hated myself, I hated the impact it was having on DD (2 years younger).

I made myself write three positives down a day.

Once I remember that the only thing I could think of was "I didn't kill DS". That's pretty desperate.

He now goes through fairly intense moments - some kids are just intense - he is one of them, but generally he is lovely at the age of 10. Just edging into "tweenager" behaviour, but still lovely and I love him and I love life. I could have written your post 6 years ago, but I didn't because I knew everyone would have told me I was depressed - and maybe I was.


It gets easier OP, it really does.

[formerbabe]

I don't want to sound airy fairy but changing the way you say things so they feel in control can help sometimes.

So, for example, say you are going to the park and the supermarket, don't say "we're going to the shop before the park". Try saying "where would you like to go first? The park or the shop?"

Instead of saying put your pyjamas on, say what pyjamas are you going to choose tonight...the red ones or the blue ones?

Or if he wants to do a particular activity and you don't have time say wow, what a great idea, shall we do that on Tuesday when we have lots of spare time?

[Hecketyheck]

And yes, I too never wanted children - it was a "mistake" and for the first 4 or 5 years, I questioned that mistake/decision regularly and felt horrible about it. Now, however with a DS aged 10 and a DD aged 8 I can't imagine life without and actively enjoy having them.

Hang in there.

[NoSauce]

Does he ignore DH, break his things, not listen to him OP? Or is it just with you?

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

As I said he’s difficult for DP too. But DP isn’t here as often as I am so he sees it less

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

OP a friend of mine went on some parenting classes provided by the local children's centre when her kids turned feral.
She said it really helped, gave her really good tips when she was on her knees.

Perhaps that's something?

You probably don't have time if you're working though!

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He ruins weekends, even DP (although DP loves the bones of DS and is better at parenting) gets upset with despair at how much every weekend is a battle and how difficult it is to get out. Thing is he can drive but I can’t so i’m Quite trapped

[AndOutComeTheBoobs]

Does DP live with you?