I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

TeaRose

How old are your kids?

AndOutComeTheBoobs. 18

AndOutComeTheBoobs I agree there's nothing wrong with crying in front of him, they should understand emotions and learn empathy but actively saying that 'he's making her sad' is too much to put on a child of four. OP needs to be responsible for her own emotions and not put responsibility on a kid. At the very least say something like 'your behaviour now where you're shouting at me is making me sad' or similar?

Girl or boy?

Did you ever endure this stage? I know a lot
of parents didn't.
My own parents didn't with us. Apparently my older brother had one tantrum and I had none. I know my little brother didn't have any.

Came as quite a shock when my kids came along.
I can totally understand someone finding this language abnormal if they themselves have never endured it.

A four year isn’t making his mother sad - he’s not responsible for her feelings!! That is her reaction.

Parenting is hard and at certain stages kids will change quite a bit and an adjustment in expectations is needed.

Which backs up my point that it's the issue with DS that needs help.

My 2 could be challenging, frustrating, annoying, whiny at this age but I never said that I didn't love them or that they had ruined my life or that I wished that I had never had them.

That seems to be beyond the usual parental frustrations. Imagine being that little 4 year old and realising that your mum hates you and wishes you'd never been born?

Does he really make the whole day miserable? Or is it more, that there are a few good bits and some really terrible bad bits? I had to learn to tell myself that even a couple of almighty tantrums and a lot of whinging did not spoil the whole day, there was also the fun bit where we watched the show or jumped on the trampoline or fed the ducks no matter what horrors happened before or after.

Also I found my DS was not good at whole days out or big exciting trips. He was much better with a fixed routine that included some shorter outings - half days at most - or simple things like going for a swim or a play in the park or a trip to the library or a snack in cafe. Just one thing at a time. Trying to do big day full of exciting things tended to cause trouble.

The memorable occasion when DH said to me "you're not supposed to enjoy family outings you're just supposed to have them". That made me laugh and somehow the rest of the day went a bit better, I have a happy memory of DS and DH soaking wet going down the helter-skelter in the rain.

And every single holiday we have ever been on, the first day I think "why did we bother, he is miserable and foul tempered and he hates it and we are all having a horrible time". But after a day he kind of settles and we do all start to enjoy it.

Sorry you're having such a hard time. One of things I liked abut the parenting group was meeting parents who were going through the same things, or something different but just as bad, or worse. And you're all figuring out ways to cope together. You'll get some ideas, some will help, some wont, the ideas that do help will be like gold.

I agree that it isn't helpful to tell the OP to see the GP

My GP pointed me at the parenting group (and other useful things). Helpful much! And if the OP's DS is always miserable then maybe he needs some extra help too, the GP can help with that too.

nothing wrong with very occasionally crying in front of children but it really shouldn’t be a regular thing. That should be avoided.

OP it’s a tough age.

Did you have a particularly rough morning? I ask that because it’s easy to lose perspective after a really shitty drama fuelled morning

IOP needs to be responsible for her own emotions*

What do you even mean here?

Being responsible for your own emotions?
So if someone called you a twat and it made you cry, you have to own those emotions and not put it on the person who called you a twat and upset you?

That's ridiculous. The person doing the name calling caused the upset.

A 4 year old is MORE than capable of reducing an adult to tears with their behaviour and there's nothing wrong with them knowing that.

The memorable occasion when DH said to me "you're not supposed to enjoy family outings you're just supposed to have them". That made me laugh and somehow the rest of the day went a bit better,

I like the sound of your dh

Why shouldn't he know that he reduced me to that? Why shouldn't they learn that their behaviour impacts the happiness or wellbeing of others? This is how they learn empathy but!

because this child is a normal four year old. He should not be told that he's negatively impacting someone else, an adult, for being the same as every other four year old. It is not a child's responsibility to take care of their mother's feelings. The child is not responsible or culpable for their mother's mental health problems. There are many child psychiatrists that have spoken about the horrible effects of telling your child how sad they make you. It's just a shitty thing to do really why would you blame an innocent child for your own problems when they are acting normally for their age?

I’m so sorry op you really do have my sympathy. I have a dd like this and I thank my lucky stars my ex dh was a twat and had an affair so we split up. This was I have eow free. I do often find myself fantasying about just buggering off and leaving her with him... I’m just not cut out to be a mother

Did you ever endure this stage? I know a lot
of parents didn't

A boy and yes I did,4 was VERY hard. I also had depression so am very aware of the desperate language the OP is using. Resentment,wishing her child wasn't there so she could enjoy her day,wishing he'd not been born- all that should flag up concerns with a HCP.

A four year isn’t making his mother sad - he’s not responsible for her feelings!!

Jesus wept.

tearose totally fair enough.
I hear you.

This is really sad. I think if he is fine for childminder and also for his Dad then your negativity could well be rubbing off on him.
Children are hard work - that's just how they are. They are not going to do what you say straight away. So you need to accept him for what he is.
He could well be tired after 4 days with the childminder. I think he is old enough to sit down and have a 'planning meeting'. So you both chat about what he would like to do on a Friday when you have your day together. I used to want to take DS to the zoo and so on but he wasn't really interested. He used to like going out and about - going on the bus, popping into town etc.. He was never really into 'toddler' activites, apart from soft play and the park. Maybe if he feels like he has had some say in what you do for the day he might enjoy it more.
Also by that age you could have a set reward system - so he also gets a say in what the reward is - for example 10 stickers is something from Poundland, 20 stickers is a comic, 30 stickers is a trip out somewhere and so on. Don't remove the stickers though!
I honestly think you need to put some thought into it as it will just get worse as the years go on. The title of your thread is horrible. I feel really sorry for your DS.

Crying in front of your kids doesn’t teach them empathy (although there is nothing wrong with letting them see you have feelings - in fact, it’s good to).
They learn empathy from having it modelled to them, from being shown empathy by parents (and others).
It’s fine to cry at your kids’ bad behaviour at times, but ultimately kids need firm boundaries, not a parent reduced to tears.
My mum was always crying at our behaviour as kids. We felt that she couldn’t handle us and that made us feel scared.
Kids will sometimes push and push until they find something reassuringly firm, they need that to know they’re safe and being cared for.
For those who say the OP must not be depressed as she’s fine when she’s not with her child - well, to me that shows that there is a major issue that is drawn to the surface by her role as a mother. An issue that needs dealt with in therapy. I am speaking as someone who also has problems around being a mother because of my childhood experiences.

The thing is he’s so head strong if I make him do something he doesn’t want to do he just makes the whole day miserable

Can he not be persuaded with races - you puts the shoes on first - or jollied/bribed out of it? Does the childminder find him difficult?

DS was difficult between 3 and 4 - before he started school. He’d been the easy baby didn’t help DH was working away and I was exhausted.

It was finding strategies that worked with him – stickers and charts never did– I had to distract him before he got a head of steam going sometimes by being silly sometimes by challenging him–he also reacted badly to being rushed still does - but while he’d bare a grudge he could be jollied unlike eldest who just had to calm down in her own time and you just had to wait.

Though all my children knew in end they'd do what I wanted - we never gave into trantrums.

Some childen are more work - some of them have underlying conditions - could you contact your HV there're supposed to look at under 5 see if they have suggestions - though I think first suggestions are usually parenting courses before assesments.

The child is not responsible or culpable for their mother's mental health problems.

I didn't have mental health problems. I had 4 year old problems. After months of hellish behaviour I cracked and cried.
And I don't for one second, think it's bad for my son to have realised that his behaviour was a direct impact for that.

Just like when he is at school, if he were to
say something unpleasant to a child and make them cry he should understand that it was caused by his behaviour.

How is it any different?!

My goodness.

My DS2 was really difficult and seemed so naughty from 2 till 5, it was so hard.
It did end up that he is ASD (not suggesting this is your issue whatsoever) as part of the process, I had positive parenting classes and it was very transformative.
Negative thoughts really do cloud ones mind and can send you into a downward spiral, using negative words compounds the situation.
I really changed my parenting style, tried to be talk in a positive way as much as possible, stopped drawing attention to the bad stuff, tried to praise any good behaviour even small things like sitting quietly and reading.
It made such a massive difference about how I felt about DC2, I stopped disliking him and instead, disliked some of his behaviour, but did my best to move on to more positive things as quickly as possible. Don’t let one meltdown or sulk set the whole day, move on and try and end up with some good things.
I also started telling him I loved him more, praising him and stopped telling him off all the time.
For me and him it really worked, he’s the loveliest 18 year old now and I love him so much.
OP I really hope you can turn this around for that little boy who needs you 💜

Much sympathy. Some children are harder than others. They certainly have a habit of saving the worst behaviour for their parents! That is actually quite normal and in a way means they trust they can be horrible to you but you will still be there for them.

But I do agree with ChristmasMiracle: The thing is what you are teaching him is that if he doesn’t want to do something he doesn’t have to. He’s learnt that even when you make him do it if he makes the day miserable you will back off and won’t bother.

You say your son is making the day miserable if you force him to do something he doesn't want to do - but he's making you miserable anyway. You've got nothing to lose really so why not make him do the perfectly reasonable stuff you've planned? Or offer him two choices of your liking which gives him a bit of perceived control still.

He's not getting any nicer to you even when you him have his sulky angry way. Some people aren't like that, children included. Some push it until they find your boundary. If they don't find a boundary because you keep retreating in defeat, they carry on getting worse and worse.

If he's better with your DP, why not observe the interaction between them, specifically whether your son respects a 'no' from your DP.

I do feel for you, it's hard.

Have you spoken to your dp?

AndOutComeTheBoobs a four year old is not responsible for my emotions, they're mine. I'm the adult.

A four year old is being a four year old. Telling a child that they're the reason you're sad is not acceptable, it's too big a responsibility for a child to hold.

I suspect you are suffering from depression even if it is presenting itself differently although I had a child like this in my nursery class years ago (permanently whingy)and he turned out to be diabetic. Whatever is the cause you both need to see a GP.

NeatFreak are you saying no one can cause another person emotional upset?