I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

I ask because we had all sorts of screaming melt downs to get out of the house with DD at that age. It turned out she had some anxiety issues that were often triggered by having to put on shoes to get outside.

It seems to be change with DS - if you spent time telling him you'd be going out he'd be much better and did so with pleanty of time.

In fact his year 1 teacher introduced a min run down of the next school day at end of the day for him and few others - was very helpful - he was much calmer -next year he didn't need that.

OP, have you heard of Philippa Perry's new book about parenting? The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did): www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children-ebook/dp/B07GRBB9WQ/?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

It's very good, very thought provoking. But what really struck me was what it said about the times we are likely to find particularly difficult as parents -- and that these are often relating back to a time in our own childhood that is difficult for us to face for some reason.

First of all, I think you would get a lot from the book. Secondly, I wonder if there's something more for you to explore here about your own childhood. Could you afford to see a psychotherapist to explore it? (If not, the book has some really good practical exercises for starting to think about it)

Oh gosh I hated ds at 4, hes 7 now and I still say it was our worst year! It was awful

Andoutcometheboobs Like I said earlier, there’s nothing wrong with saying “that was naughty behaviour”/“I don’t like that behaviour”/“that behaviour makes Mummy sad”.

That’s learning the effects our behaviour or our words have on other people.

However, when you deliberately or accidentally make your child himself responsible for your emotional wellbeing, that is unacceptable. Can you see the difference between “You horrible little shit, you’ve made your Mother cry again; you’re nothing but trouble” and “Smashing Mummy’s ornament on purpose is very naughty behaviour and that has made Mummy feel sad”?

I’m not saying the OP has said the former but it’s so important to differentiate between disliking the behaviour and disliking the child as a person.

I don’t think he has aspergers or autism tbh because he’s cuddly, he makes eye contact, he plays normally with his friends at the childminders

Just had to point out, none of those things mean a child isn't autistic. Some autistic children like hugs, some don't. Some make good eye contact, some don't. And yes, autistic kids can have friends too. Each and every one of those things is a stereotype.

I think you’re going to have to see a GP or HV – either for you or for him – or for both of you -rule out depression for you and any underlying illness or SEN in him.

^^V good advice. I actually think see both, rather than one or the other.

If your child never listened to you, never wanted to go out, kept doing things they shouldn’t like climbing on worktops, breaking your stuff, climbing furniture, throwing things and telling you they don’t like you for years you’d feel this way too.

Yes I would feel the same way. I agree with pp that talking it through with the GP or the health visitor is a good idea. There are a lot of possible different reasons for this kind of behaviour, it may take a while to get to the bottom of it, it could be combo of several different things to do with him and/or to do with family life or parenting, but in any case it really shouldn't have to be this hard for you.

I kind of agree with the OP that responding negatively to someone who is miserable all the time, yells at you and refuses to cooperate in any way with you is not a sign of depression. Its a perfectly normal response to someone being emotionally abusive towards you.

The fact its being done by your 4 year old child changes the response you have to that abuse, but not the impact it has on you.

If it continues for a long period of time then it would certainly be a risk factor for depression, but feeling dislike or even bursts of hatred someone who is treating you that way is normal, and I'll certainly put my hand up to having experienced that with my own child.

As I said below we resolved it through establishing communication lines that were far more robust and which continue to improve as the child has gotten older.

OP could you move out for a while and see how you feel then?

I know plenty will say your awful and that I'm awful for suggesting it but you sound like your at the end of your rope.

Some time away may help you,of course your DP has to be on side.

I do get how hard it is I have 5DC,my DS17 was diagnosed with asd when he was 8(I'd been battling for him to get extra help since he was 18 months old)a year after I had our youngest I became disabled and at 3 our youngest had only just started walking,she is also asd and she has physical disabilities as well.

If you need time away for you then you need time away for you!

Just because you become a parent it doesn't mean you stop being a human being with needs and wants and right now it sounds like you need a serious break and some serious help with your DS.

Not everyone on here will judge you,I for one won't

@JanMeyer I wish someone would tell our paediatrician that!

Maybe go back to work for now so you can get a breather, and then stop in September if you want to.

OP I don't think you sound like a terrible parent at all. I think you sound like a parent at the end of their tether.
A trip to see your GP might be useful, just to see what they think. Depression has all different ways of presenting itself.
Do you think he misbehaves with you because he gets away it? How consistent are you with rules? I know how hard it can be if they just keep at you and you eventually give in or ignore it because your just so fed up.
I am a childminder and frequently have children who are angels for me, and devils for their parents.That's not because I am better at looking after children, or I know more than their parents, it's because I have to be very strict and consistent for their own safety.
I think instead of love bombing you need to get tough. So what if he thinks your a bit mean for a while. Don't take away rewards that have already been given for good behaviour though, like a pp said he will just think, well what's the point in behaving.
A trip to the doctor's might be worth your while, feeling down the way you are isn't going to have a positive impact on your mental health.

None of us know what’s causing the OP to feel the way she is as we’re all strangers on the internet. There could be many reasons behind this, the basic suggestion of seeing her GP is a start though I think. I feel very much for the OP and her son and I hope she can find a way of working through what’s going on for both their sakes.

Just had to point out, none of those things mean a child isn't autistic. Some autistic children like hugs, some don't. Some make good eye contact, some don't. And yes, autistic kids can have friends too. Each and every one of those things is a stereotype.

Also, him behaving for other people and not for you doesn't mean he is capable of behaving, so he can't be autistic.

I wish someone would tell our paediatrician that!

I hear you, there's a lot of professionals who need to be told that. Honestly I think the medical profession knows more myths than facts when it comes to autism. And not only the medical professionals but teachers as well (and I'm including special needs teachers in that too). My personal favourite is the head of the autism unit doubting my brothers autism diagnosis because I quote "but he's too nice and friendly to be autistic" 😡😡😡😡😡😡

Just a thought -perhaps he just needs to know that his mother loves him and does want him.

Sounds like the poor chap is sensing his Mum's feelings about him if he's well behaved at the childminder's and with his Dad. Whether you like parenting or not OP you chose to be one, your DS didn't chose you, so you need to get some support to explore your feelings and quick. If he's happy at his childminders, put him in for the extra day until he starts school and find a good therapist to see on that free day.

Just a thought - perhaps he just needs to know that his mother loves him and does want him.

He probably does, but it can be so hard to put that across when they are both feeling so miserable. There is no "just" about it. The OP has clearly been trying very hard already.

I have never been quite as despairing as the OP but I've been close at times. And I've had to do a lot of self care to avoid it. Also my DS has needed diagnosis for issues of his own. And I had to learn how to parent him, and how to show him the love he needed, I couldn't take anything for granted and I had to do a lot of stuff that other parents probably thought was weird or wrong.

My DS is now a fine young man and I have my life back

I’m in no position to offer advice as a Mum as my twins are only 19 months old but just wanted to say that I don’t think OP is being horrible or that the issue is necessarily with her or her emotional state, but I do think it would be worth exploring that avenue though to be on the safe side.

I do have my own childhood as reference. I was raised alongside my DB (2 years older than me) and Dsis (4 years younger) by my Grandparents. My Brother was prone to extreme temper tantrums almost daily and was wildly difficult from around the age of 6/7 until his mid teens. We now know he is on the spectrum but this wasn’t something my GP’s were even aware of as a concept so just treated him as they would any other kid.

I’m not saying your DS is on the spectrum but I know that my Gran in particular was so worn out by him and she isn’t exactly the most emotionally available woman, but would be reduced to tears.

As an adult I can see with hindsight what a hard time my GP’s had raising us, I wasn’t perfect by any means and Dsis was the “baby” so had a lot of moments too. What hurts is the resigned indifference that eventually developed between my Gran and all of us, she truly did give up and her eventual rhetoric was “do what you want” when she couldn’t face the tantrums anymore. She is only human after all as are you OP.

I really hope that you can start to find some solutions. Years on from my childhood my Gran told us (whilst a bit tipsy) that no matter what she said she loved and still loves all of us and she apologised for her harshness when she said things like “I wish we’d never taken you in”, “you’ve ruined my life”, “you’re trying to break me aren’t you”. She would often tell me in particular that she hated me. She admits now I was the easiest target for her frustration because I was the calmest of the three.

My brother eventually improved when it was identified that giving him a few days notice for planned outings helped. He needed strict structure to feel comfortable and still does. When he was young being told on the day that he had to do something made him panic, so he lashed out at everybody and anything.

Being the middle child I was left to my own devices a lot and essentially played peacekeeper between DB and Dsis. Dsis had no particular issues but was emulating my DB for a few years as she saw it got him what he wanted so tried it too. Like a lot of kids she grew out of it and improved her behaviour.

I’m sorry for you that you’re going through such a rough time OP and I truly hope things improve for you

Two things that are coming to my mind

• I would ask your DP to take on MORE responsibility for your . To be ‘THE’ responsible parent and be generally in charge of your ds. You say he is finding it easier. He might be more able to cope or he might just not be involved enough and the share of the load isn’t right between the two of you. In any way, you clearly need a break and time for yourself before you rash out completely.

• I know your ds is ‘an angel’ at nursery, outside etc... but a child that doesn’t want to go is a child that is at least anxious. I would go and see the GO and ask for a referral for HIM. Whatever the reason for his behaviour at home, you need support.

Worth remembering that children don’t act the same way at home and at school and it doesn’t mean those children don’t have any ‘issue’/SN or don’t need any support.

Whatever the issue, you need to reach out for help.

Sorry not read all posts. But my feeling is that you have a little Alpha male on your hands and he needs dead firm handling and boundaries. My DS is not an Alpha, so you have my sympathies OP, though I would say that if directed carefully hopefully his headstrong nature will serve him well later on in life! I would for your sanity

1. arrange respite care of any kind - preferably something with a decent amount of physical activity to knacker him out and quieten him down.
2. keep him off tech
3. Have your DP as a rock solid chief disciplinarian. Dead firm, no ifs, no buts. Your DP must always back you up 100% with the boy and force him to say sorry to mummy when he's a brat.
4. limit sugar
5. get him rapidly into an all consuming physical sport - mini soccer something like that. Get your DP to agree to all of the above and stick to it.

But surely if he was an “alpha male” he’d be behaving like this with his childminder? I don’t think coming down hard on him is the correct advice, sorry.

Alpha male sounds like bullshit to me. Honestly!!

It's not your child OP. He's 4 years old. Kids are hard work but none of how you're feeling is anything to do with him as a person. He's a very young child. It's all coming from you, and I don't mean that to sound harsh. See your GP to find the root of the cause.