I hate my DS, wish I never had him

[RunSweatLaughAndLatte]

He’s miserable all the time, doesn’t want to go out, always causing trouble. Seems no matter how lovely I am and what I do for him, it’s never right or enough. He’s 4. I don’t care if he’ll grow out of it. He’s been like this for so long and I really wish I never had him. Deep down I love him but he’s ruining my life and I want my freedom back. I often think about getting my own place and leaving DS with DP but I love DP and I know I can’t really leave as that would be reprehensible. So i’m doomed with forever being unhappy and regretting my life choice.

I don't know that it's very helpful to say some children aren't nice people, is it? I'm pretty sure if you judged most four year olds apart from the odd empathetic one most of them would come out as absolute narcissists, because they're four. Most children, thankfully, grow out of the destructiveness, argumentativeness, selfishness, stubbornness etc. It's more helpful in my experience to look for the things to love about your child (which are going to be there, nobody is entirely evil!) rather than just writing them off and then trying to work out how to spend time away from them I mean yes, time to yourself is absolutely essential but

@springclouds how can you be so sure that your son doesn't pick up that you are frustrated and sick of the sight of him? The answer is you can't I'm afraid.

I rarely shout at him as it doesn’t work, I put him in time out and reward good behaviour with stickers but equally he gets a sticker ripped off if he’s too naughty

Don't take away something he's earned OP, if head earned it then he's earned it. Keep it all positive of you can.

Any person going to the doctor using the sort of language the OP is should be taken seriously. It is not the same as saying "Bloody hell he's being challenging/difficult/naughty,this is a difficult age etc."

but equally he gets a sticker ripped off if he’s too naughty

I’m not sure that this is wise. He will soon wonder what the point of behaving well is if that reward can be undone the next time he’s naughty.

If you think of it like giving a dog a treat for being obedient, you can’t stick your fingers down its throat a week later to retrieve the treat if it’s disobedient. You reward the good behaviour at the time. No point then undoing it later because you’re teaching him inconsistency.

Hi OP, this is an awful thing for you to go through. I felt not dissimilar with my DS...he was an absolute nightmare, I was trapped, couldn't go anywhere (or if I did, it was hell on earth). Fortunately we had a really on the ball HV and she spotted something wasn't quite right. DS was subsquently diagnosed with ASD and SPD. He is now 8, an absolute joy of a child, fun, engaging, quirky, but about to be referred for an ADHD diagnosis. We have our issues but I have learned how to manage them with good support. I am now a lone parent which quite frankly has been to both of our benefit (not suggesting that this is for you though!!), it was just that me being less stressed, able to focus more on him meant that we've found a way through that works for us. Interestingly, my son was pretty good in settings where he was expected to be good, such as when he started nursery, but he is also an epic "masker" and mimic and will do what he sees as necessary to fit in. I refer to that because of your comments of being well behaved for the childminder.

I don't want to always jump on the SN bandwagon, I am just relaying my own experiences having had similar feelings to you. Him going to school in September may bring about observations from others, they may not, however, that will at least give you a chance to settle into a more solid and regimented routine, for some children this is hugely positive.

At 4, you can still see the HV, could you make an appointment and discuss your concerns? Might be worth a shot. Good luck

**he's earned it

@Annasgirl Crikey. We’re talking about very young children here. I don’t think it’s fair or helpful to say that a toddler/preschool child is just “not nice”.

Until the brain is sufficiently developed to display empathy and realise that we are not the centre of the world, I don’t suppose anyone is “born nice”. Our primary carer is supposed to teach us these things. If your friends’ children behave like little horrors when they come round, perhaps their parents should be teaching them how to behave appropriately?

I agree that it isn't helpful to tell the OP to see the GP. It's not in her head, it's a difficult childhood stage!

And I agree it's not helpful to say the child isn't a nice person.
I've had a really stressful week and I'm feeling low. I snapped at DH yesterday and despite knowing the reason why I'm down and snappy, he told me I was being vile.

Really fucking unhelpful. It's not that I'm not a nice person all the rest of the time, it's just that we all go through shit times.

And I assume being 4 years old is pretty tough, otherwise why would they be such total bastards?

OP, I don't think it's helpful to 'undo' the reward stickers.
What's the point in him earning them if they are just taken away.
If we get a bonus at work, it doesn't get taken away from us if we fuck something up
the following week.
We still earned the bonus, you can't undo good work.

He should get to keep the stickers, otherwise he will never reach the goal.

And bad behaviour gets time out.

(And if the goal becomes unattainable then why should he ever be good!)

Also, I agree with comments about removing a reward, that is so counter productive and pointless. It gives him no motivation. I'd be inclined to walk away from bad behaviour and remove the attention from it.

I agree that it isn't helpful to tell the OP to see the GP. It's not in her head, it's a difficult childhood stage! How do you know that?

I agree that it isn't helpful to tell the OP to see the GP. It's not in her head, it's a difficult childhood stage!

Undiagnosed depression or PND isn’t “in your head” and of course the GP is the appropriate first port of call, given the desperate language the OP is using.

I have 2 children, and everyone goes through rough patches, even your own offspring. my DS is now 21 and when he was 14 he was really sad and always aggressive towards me, but that's just the stage of puberty. stamp your foot down and don't give him an inch, this stage will pass.

much love and good luck x

What are people expecting the GP to do?

Consider a referral to counselling. Screen for depression which can manifest in different ways, even in the same person, and which a GP will be patently more capable of assessing in person than internet weirdies in a forum post. Especially as depression can reduce our insight - sometimes we need a bit of help to see it.

That summer before school is also notoriously challenging with a lot of children.

However TheFormidableMrsC had a good point, HV might well be a good option. I also don't want to cry "ASC" on every post but my autistic child was really, really difficult at 4, and in hindsight we should have asked for help earlier rather than just struggling on.

Undiagnosed depression or PND isn’t “in your head” and of course the GP is the appropriate first port of call, given the desperate language the OP is using

Exactly!

My point is, she's describing a difficult child.

Instead of trying to give tips and advice for the difficult child, you're suggesting that she sees a doctor.
How will her seeing a doctor improve the child's behaviour?

And it is possibly to get fucked off with a child without it being because of depression!

I agree that it isn't helpful to tell the OP to see the GP. It's not in her head, it's a difficult childhood stage!

But the OP has said that her DS isn’t difficult for his dad and childminder, so it doesn’t jump out that his behaviour is to blame for the way the OP is feeling. She can’t just ignore it surely?

If not her GP then maybe a counsellor that specialises in parent/child relationships?

It sounds like you desperately need a break away from him for a bit or a holiday to yourself to try to get some space. Could you talk to you DP about how you feel and see if he could cover everything while you go away for a week with a friend or someone in your family?

Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Perhaps a counsellor to help you deal with these feelings you have. Particularly around your feelings that you don't see how this situation will improve .

What does he actually like to do? What does he enjoy playing with at the childminders. Sometimes children don't want to 'go out' and do lots of activities. He could be frustrated that you are saying to go to the park but he wants to line up his Hot Wheels cars and race them - but he doesn't yet know how to say that. Try to find his 'thing' and spend time doing that (and adapting - so if it is Hot Wheels cars read books about cars etc) and then he might seem less grumpy.
I also agree that parenting classes etc may be helpful.
I also agree he is probably tired. It's hard work being 4.
Also you need to find an activity /hobby for yourself. Even if it's an hour on a Sunday going to Costa to read magazines. He needs to see that you are you and not just Mummy and when Mummy isn't at work she likes to sometimes do her own thing.

IBut the OP has said that her DS isn’t difficult for his dad and childminder*

Yup! Very common. Kids are the biggest arseholes to the person or people they trust the most.
Mine did especially with me.
It's the nature of the beast.

I'm not saying that I know whether the OP does or does not have depression.

I'm saying she is describing a difficult stage with her DS and people are telling her to see her GP about herself.

It's the DS that is difficult. It's normal to feel all kinds of frustration, annoyance and anger at this stage.

What helps this is good parenting tips to manage the behaviour.

Have you told him he is making you very sad?

do not follow this poster's advice OP. I'd also recommend seeing your GP as other people here have already said

Also - the OP clearly stated that she is happy at work and away from DS.

Which backs up my point that it's the issue with DS that needs help.

It's the DS that is difficult. It's normal to feel all kinds of frustration, annoyance and anger at this stage

The language the OP is using isn't 'normal' at all.

do not follow this posters advice OP.

Why on earth not?!

When DS1 was 4.5 years old I was 9 months pregnant and he had a 2 hour tantrum in which he utterly destroyed his room and wouldn't do as he was told.

I sat and cried.

Why shouldn't he know that he reduced me to that?
Why shouldn't they learn that their behaviour impacts the happiness or wellbeing of others?
This is how they learn empathy but!