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Original poster

How can someone RSVP to a wedding when they haven't been invited???

105 replies

MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:10

I'm getting married next Sunday. We're having a small wedding with just close family and friends. For context, I am not even inviting my own cousins even though I'm close to a lot of them, because they live abroad and we wanted to keep numbers down.

My MIL lives in another country with her partner who has two DC from a previous marriage. The DC weren't invited, as my DP doesn't feel close to them at all (his DM and her partner got together when all the DC were adults). We sent out save the dates about a year in advance to all the people we wanted to invite, and informed MIL and partner that we were not inviting the DC. They seemed fine with it.

Anyway, about 5 months ago, before we had sent official invitations, MIL texted DP with a picture of her flight confirmation showing that she, her partner AND DC2 had all booked flights for the wedding! We were obviously pissed off because we had told them we weren't intending to invite DC2, but let it slide because there was bugger all we could do at that point. When we sent out invitations, we included DC2's name just to be nice.

Fast forward to now, 1.5 WEEKS UNTIL THE WEDDING, and DC1 has now 'confirmed attendance'!!! DP and I are utterly incredulous but we can't say anything because we need to keep the peace for the sake of a drama free wedding.

Call me crazy, but surely you can't confirm attendance to SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO???

OP posts:
WhereDoesThisToiletGo · 15/05/2019 10:12

Oh dear

YemenRoadYemen · 15/05/2019 10:12

Your mistake was putting DC2's name 'to be nice' on the invitation.

Why not just not do this?

Ragwort · 15/05/2019 10:15

It’s obviously far too late now but when they’d showed you the tickets that was the time to say ‘sorry for any misunderstanding but we are only inviting you & (name) to the wedding. If the D.C.. want to make a holiday out of the trip we could meet them for a meal before or after the wedding.

Why have you said nothing all this timeConfused. Are you having a sit down meal and need to inform caterers?

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BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/05/2019 10:15

We were obviously pissed off because we had told them we weren't intending to invite DC2, but let it slide because there was bugger all we could do at that point

Yeah, you kinda missed the chance then, sorry. You absolutely could and should have said something then.

If one child + both parents were invited, anyone would assume the other was as well.

but we can't say anything because we need to keep the peace for the sake of a drama free wedding.

But unfortunately this is a bed of your own making.

iVampire · 15/05/2019 10:15

You sent an invitation with their name on it.

Any reasonable person would take this to mean you had invited them.

They will simply have assumed you had a change of mind, and have RSVPed in an entirely normal way to the invitation you issued

LightDrizzle · 15/05/2019 10:16

Yep! Your mistake was adding the name.
You should have said something like "Oh the DDS are coming over! We'll have to try and see them while they're over. Maybe before the wedding."

MustardScreams · 15/05/2019 10:18

Well you put their names on the invitation so you did invite them! Honestly this is all your own doing, and ridiculous that you’re pissed off they've RSVP’d to an invitation you sent them... with their names on.

flowery · 15/05/2019 10:19

So there are two DC and you put one of them on the invitation as the flight details included that one, but the other one has RSVP’d?

Is that instead of or as well as? Have they just replaced DC2 with DC1 on the flight?

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:20

I get what you're saying, but it would have caused a colossal argument and fall out if we had said the DCs couldn't come after one of them had already booked flights.

At that point, we did ask if the other one was intending on coming and they said no - she was meant to be travelling on another continent at the time of the wedding.

I think I'm less pissed off about them coming in general, and more about the fact that she's let us know 1.5 weeks beforehand

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:20

As well as - they're both now coming.

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 15/05/2019 10:21

You did invite them Confused

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/05/2019 10:22

It's not to late for anything.
By the sounds of it you have absolutely no relationship with this person so why do you have to be nice?

"I'm sorry DC1. There must've been some confusion. You are not invited or accounted for in the wedding"

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/05/2019 10:23

Wow. MIL played you like a fiddle.
If I were your DH I'd be furious and tell her that to accommodate for her guests that her and her husband couldn't attend.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:24

LoafofSellotape We retrospectively invited one of them, but now the other one has decided she's also coming, once again 1.5 weeks before the wedding

OP posts:
YemenRoadYemen · 15/05/2019 10:24

You still didn't actually need to put someone's name - that you weren't inviting - actually on the invitation.

Grin
Debenhamshandtowel · 15/05/2019 10:28

Send the DC a wedding present list. Even if you don’t have a wedding present list.

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:29

You invited them. You put their name on the invitation. How were they to know that you were ‘just being nice’ and didn’t mean it. They are not psychic. It doesn’t matter what you said before. A name on an invitation IS an invitation and they will have reasonably thought that you changed your minds.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/05/2019 10:29

Have either of you actually told MIL that this isn't happening and how rude she's been?

Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:33

MIL hasn’t been rude. Many people take a ‘save the date’ notification as a proxy invitation. The OP should have told her the date verbally and explained who she was going to invite - and stuck to it. Why would you save the date if you weren’t going to go? Why would you be asked to? Too many people do things ‘because’ without thinking of what it means to others and this is the downside. Big misunderstandings.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 15/05/2019 10:33

Are these adult DCs? or teens?
I think your soon to be DH to be needs to pick up the phone and talk this through with MIL. He needs to say she was told it was just two of them. Then she booked flights for 3 which obliged you to include them on the inviation and now 10 days before the wedding she's adding another guest. He needs to tell her that this was a very unfair way to go about it and she needs to clarify who she is actually bringing to the wedding.. 2 extra or just 1 extra.
Unfortunately, I think you are stuck with them. but it doesnt mean your DH can't tell her if was poor form.

If this is the worst that happens then you can shrug it off as an extra 1 or 2 guests and look forward to celebrating your lovely day. Best wishes

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/05/2019 10:39

@Megs4x3 oP sent the Save the dates to MIL and specified that the adult children were not invited.

MiL is a cheeky fucker who has no respect for OP or her fiancé.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/05/2019 10:43

MiL is a cheeky fucker who has no respect for OP or her fiancé.

No more of a CF than the multitude of MNers who post on here about their invite to a child free wedding and assume that it doesn't really mean their children!

FizzyGreenWater · 15/05/2019 10:46

I'm sorry but you messed up on this one.

They are pushy and cheeky and presumably knew they'd get away with it... because they know you!

Nothing you can really do now (and certainly nothing you would do, because you're afraid to upset them and they know it).

The only thing that would be do-able now is this, as suggested above:

I think your soon to be DH to be needs to pick up the phone and talk this through with MIL. He needs to say she was told it was just two of them. Then she booked flights for 3 which obliged you to include them on the inviation and now 10 days before the wedding she's adding another guest. He needs to tell her that this was a very unfair way to go about it and she needs to clarify who she is actually bringing to the wedding.. 2 extra or just 1 extra.

But you won't.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:46

I think people are misunderstanding me.

We sent a save the date to MIL and her partner, and when they received it, we rang them and explained that the two DCs (let's call them Blair and Leslie) were not invited.

MIL then booked flights for herself, her partner and Blair. When we then sent invitations, to be nice we put Blair's name on it (ok, maybe we shouldn't have done this bit).

1.5 weeks to go and now Leslie has decided to come, despite never having been invited by name.

OP posts:
Megs4x3 · 15/05/2019 10:47

@Contraceptionismyfriend, OP sorted that and was then daft enough to send an invitation with their names on ‘just to be nice’!! How was MIL to know it wasn’t a genuine invitatation? I agree that it would have been sensible to call and check but it would also have been sensible not to put the names on in the first place!!