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Original poster

How can someone RSVP to a wedding when they haven't been invited???

105 replies

MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 10:10

I'm getting married next Sunday. We're having a small wedding with just close family and friends. For context, I am not even inviting my own cousins even though I'm close to a lot of them, because they live abroad and we wanted to keep numbers down.

My MIL lives in another country with her partner who has two DC from a previous marriage. The DC weren't invited, as my DP doesn't feel close to them at all (his DM and her partner got together when all the DC were adults). We sent out save the dates about a year in advance to all the people we wanted to invite, and informed MIL and partner that we were not inviting the DC. They seemed fine with it.

Anyway, about 5 months ago, before we had sent official invitations, MIL texted DP with a picture of her flight confirmation showing that she, her partner AND DC2 had all booked flights for the wedding! We were obviously pissed off because we had told them we weren't intending to invite DC2, but let it slide because there was bugger all we could do at that point. When we sent out invitations, we included DC2's name just to be nice.

Fast forward to now, 1.5 WEEKS UNTIL THE WEDDING, and DC1 has now 'confirmed attendance'!!! DP and I are utterly incredulous but we can't say anything because we need to keep the peace for the sake of a drama free wedding.

Call me crazy, but surely you can't confirm attendance to SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED TO???

OP posts:
DorisDaisyMay · 15/05/2019 11:01

Hello, this is one of those things that seems so bad before the wedding. How dare they etc etc. But at the wedding you will be so happy you won’t notice them and after the wedding it will be ‘eh’ what was all the fuss about? Try to approach it with an ‘after the wedding attitude’ it will be much more peaceful.

I say all that with the following caveats:
If there is any way they might cause any trouble, be demanding, ruin your day don’t let them come.
Do not expect invitations to their wedding in the future. This type of cheeky fuckery is always one sided.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 15/05/2019 11:04

I think I would be tempted to send a message back along the lines of 'Ohh, we'd assumed you weren't attending, as we hadn't heard from you and MIL had confirmed that you would be in a different country at the time. Let us talk to the caterers and venue just to confirm we can squeeze you in, as obviously numbers were confirmed a while ago. Fingers crossed and we're delighted you are able to join us - here's a link to the wedding list/parking info/other general info for your reference.' Let them sweat for a day or so before you go back and confirm!

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 15/05/2019 11:04

Is it not rude to RSVP to a wedding 10 days in advance?

Yes that is rude.

Normally.

But this isn't a normal RSVP situation really.

Nevertheless, have a wonderful day and think of it as a "you'll never guess what happened..." tale for years later on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 11:06

DorisDaisyMay No, they're both quite quiet and I can seat them near the rest of their family. To be honest, if I really think about it I don't really care about them being there per se. I think I'm just a bit sad that I didn't invite my cousins because we were meant to be having a small wedding, and now two spots are being taken up by people neither of us are close to.

But, c'est la vie. The wedding will still be great, and at least now I know to expect CFery from my MIL in future.

OP posts:
Catchingbentcoppers · 15/05/2019 11:11

Is it not rude to RSVP to a wedding 10 days in advance?

Yes, it is. Particularly if you had been told already that they were not coming.

BUT, although I would want DP to have his mum acknowledge that this is not what you thought would be happening, I wouldn't cause such a fuss that it would spoil your big day.

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 15/05/2019 11:14

Just read your update and your calm outward acceptance is much better than my petty point scoring approach ;-) I would want DP to have a chat with his mum to say 'Gosh we were delighted but it was a bit of a last minute confirmation - of course fine as we are a little wedding party, but you might want to let Blair know 10 days before a wedding is not correct proceedure!'

Contraceptionismyfriend · 15/05/2019 11:17

By the time I found out, it was too late to do anything about it.

No it wasn't. You just didn't have the balls to do it.
You could've rung back and said that you hope DC has a lovely holiday but they will not be attending the wedding.

Problem solved.

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2019 11:18

She didn't invite them they 'invited' one of them. The other was due to be away. That one has now invited themselves 1.5 weeks before the wedding.

I'd be tempted to ask what their plans were for that day as there was no space for uninvited/unexpected guests. But that's just me.

Nanny0gg · 15/05/2019 11:19

PS

Look forward to uninvited holidays at your place in the future...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/05/2019 11:26

It happened to us too.

PoisonousSILs parents asked if they could have an invitation card, not an invitation, just one of the cards.

So mum popped one into the post for them, not written out, just with a polite note attached.

They were the first to RSVP. accepting...

...my parents didn't make a fuss, they just added them to the tables.

On the day they said they'd keep out if the official photographs, well they did as my sister pointed the out to the photographer and he managed to ignore them. Though they are in all the informal ones...

Some people are just weird about weddings, it seems

Hollowvictory · 15/05/2019 11:38

It's too late now. It's one extra person. Be nice and let them Come. Be the bigger person on your wedding day.

DonkeyHohtay · 15/05/2019 11:46

When we sent out invitations, we included DC2's name just to be nice

What a stupid thing to do. The clue is in the name - invitation - your name is on it, you're invited. You don't put someone's name on an invitation when you're not inviting them. Totally weird.

Curiousdad18 · 15/05/2019 11:50

Can people please actually read the OP's posts and stop giving her grief because they can't read?

DC1 invited themselves along which the OP acceptef since they'd booked flightd. Now DC2 has invited themselves 1.5 weeks before the wedding.

Original poster
MrsGideon · 15/05/2019 11:50

DonkeyHohtay Maybe read the thread again. We did invite the one DC because we felt backed into a corner. Now the other DC has decided to also come. We never invited her.

OP posts:
DonkeyHohtay · 15/05/2019 11:52

I'm also failing to see what is "nice" about including someone's name on an invitation to an event which in fact, they're not invited to. Even though they are on the invitaiton?

myrtleWilson · 15/05/2019 11:54

But not DC1's name DonkeyHohtay who has now at W-10 days decided they are coming too

DonkeyHohtay · 15/05/2019 11:55

Yes I understand that people whose names aren't on invitations shouldn't RSVP - that's equally weird.

but to be fair OP has been sending lots of mixed messages about who is invited, who isn't, changing her mind and so on. No wonder the relatives are confused (or taking advantage of confusion).

myrtleWilson · 15/05/2019 11:56

It was "nice" because rather than remind PILS that they had already said Blair and Leslie were not invited, and risk PILS kicking off they amended the invite list and include DC2.

Cottonwoolmouth · 15/05/2019 11:58

Mrs they all know they have been cheeky fuckers. And they don’t care. They are banking on you keeping your gob shut. No one just invites them self at this late stage.

If 100% ask they to pay for the meal as you have maxed out your budget because you had no idea they were coming due to trying to keep the party small.

Honeyroar · 15/05/2019 11:59

It's very rude to invite yourself, but I can just imagine them saying "oh just come, they didn't say anything about Blair when he said he was coming. They won't mind."

You fiancé should have said "but Blair's not invited to the wedding, it's only a tiny wedding" when Blair invited them self. He didn't nip it in the bud. When you added one sibling, you could've practically assumed they'd add the other one too. They'd already been cheeky once!

Drum2018 · 15/05/2019 12:01

You put their names on the invitation and you're outraged that they assumed this meant they could attend?
This is absolutely ridiculous.
Are you serious?

RTFT - only one, Blair, was on the invite as he'd booked a bloody flight. The other one, Leslie, was never invited but has now chosen to attend. Very cheeky. Had 2 extras at mine too, who rocked up the night before and asked, via a mutual aunt, if they could come to the wedding as their parents were going (parents were invited). The 2 extras were then surprised that their names didn't feature on the table plan Grin

peachescariad · 15/05/2019 12:02

It's your DP problem to sort...he should of sorted it out when his DM sent confirmation of flights including one of the kids; who you say you told them that you weren't inviting the DCs...so how come they booked a flight for this kid???
You both backed yourselves into a corner and DP should have grown a pair and sorted it out...DMIL sounds delightful...Grin

AlwaysCheddar · 15/05/2019 13:26

Say it is too late to add an extra person! You shouldn’t have invited dc1.

AlwaysCheddar · 15/05/2019 13:27

It also shows how little MIL thinks of you.

SauvignonBlanche · 15/05/2019 13:35

Why can’t people Read the fucking thread? Hmm